Do I need to punish my child?

[User098765765443]

My DP and I each have two children to previous relationships. His children don’t spend much time at my place as when they are it’s very difficult.
DPS kids never help with dinner clean up, they just sit at the table and wait for their food to be brought to them and when done just walk away. If they were asked they would throw a tantrum and call their mum to come and get them. This isn’t an issue just context.

My ds was being a pain and refused to take his plate to the sink. I said you know why I ask you to do that (thinking he would say because you’re my mother not my maid). He said because you don’t want me to end up a spoiled brat like dps kids. The s kids weren’t there, but DP was. And he went mad. He has handed out a few restrictions and wants him to swap his ‘good’ big bedroom for one of his kids as punishment (it’s a bit of a battle who gets the ‘good bedroom’ )

I think it’s ridiculous, my ds apologised. But DP is really pushing this.

How old are your kids? And when did your dp move in? The whole dynamic of your 'blended' family sounds dysfunctional really - you have to keep your kids separate from his when they are there?

The fact that your DP wanted to benefit his children with his punishment for yours is very telling @User098765765443

How was he going to explain the bedroom change to his children? By telling them what your son said - so gaining favour with his children by telling them (in his mind) that your son was mean about them but he defended them and took his room away to give to them.

So basically setting your son up to be the target of his children. Using him to curry favour with his children. Playing them off against each other

Someone who uses your child like that does not have his best interest at heart. It’s also highly unlikely to be a one off that he does that - he’s very prepared to negatively impact your son to benefit him

Making a child give up a bedroom because he made an honest comment that your partner didn't like is bullying and ridiculous. It's bullying and tell him to get over himself and teach his kids table manners.

Your DP is not great with your DC if he is ultimately prepared to throw them under a bus to curry favour with his own DC. And he get clearly was.

If I were you I'd be reflecting on the dynamic in the house since your DP moved in, and taking a hard look at how your DP really interacts with your DC (including this most recent incident).

I'd then make my decision on whether DP's presence living in mine and my DC's house has a positive impact on my DC or not on that basis.

OP you seem to be very forgiving of your DP flying off the handle because “it touched a nerve” but that is an explanation not an excuse. He got angry and bullied you and your son because he is unhappy about his terribly mismanaged relationship his children.

That is a terrible failure of his adult skills. He needs to take responsibility for his failed relationships and his crappy parenting skills not attack others for noticing.

I work with children in difficult situations, and albeit being relatively junior, I admit this switching bedrooms punishment is the first time I’ve ever heard of it.

How old precisely are all the kids OP ?

How do your kids feel about your DP ? How is he when his kids aren’t here, which sounds like the majority of the time.

I find it a bit hard to imagine he’s awesome with them the rest of the time ? Even if he’s ‘ok’ there is clearly quite some resentment, hidden or not. I’d be rethinking things carefully if I were you, the whole situation is a little uncomfortable (not enough info really to quantify).

I agree your son was rude, and would have warranted a regular taking phone off for the next day or whatever like that.

But he’s presumably the same age, young teens it seems, although unsure as you both have two, as his half siblings, and calling his siblings brats/etc is quite frequent behavior in any family. It’s uncomfortable to think he should be told to watch his language in front of your DP, versus regular teaching of politeness. And it’s quite understandable he’s sick of it the way it sounds to be honest, as there does seem to be a real difference of treatment in this case. I’d be wary OP, maybe take a calm moment alone to try a journal of past events, just between you and yourself being honest with yourself, of your current situation (just rip it up later, then you’re sure no risks of anyone finding). Or if you have a trusted family member to confide in.

And agree with PP, the punishment should come from you and be very clear that it’s about being rude, not speaking the truth to your DH, as in life in general you have to watch the way you say things to people, you can’t just lash out (so, basically taking your partner out of the equation).

OP why are you down playing this. You came on here asking if you should punish your child. Indicating that there was some level of doubt in your mind. Your boyfriend put that doubt there.

Punishments DO NOT WORK unless they are proportionate and seen as a natural consequence of poor behaviour. You know that in this instance what your boyfriend was suggesting was neither of these things. He wanted to get his children the better room because it would indicate to THEM that they are his priority. Your son is NOT his priority. This punishment would have only served to shame him and show him how little his mum and her boyfriend think of him. YOU may have had no intention of carrying this out but your boyfriend did. Anyone who would do that to my child is not someone I want around them.

If you keep on prioritising your romantic relationship over your parenting relationship I can almost guarantee that you will regret it.

This is quite right!

He is aiming to turf your son out in favour of his own children

It's your place. He doesn't get a say in the rooms.

Dump the prick.

You’re already ‘punishing’ your son OP by staying with this abusive twat.

Your role is to parent your child the best way you can. Your partner is trying to get the bigger room so he has leverage with his kids, this however it would be incredibly unfair to allow this to happen to your child who already lives has the room and uses it more.

Prioritise your child. If your partner is unhappy he can go and live elsewhere.