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Step-parenting

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Original poster

Feels unfair - do I have to suck it up or is there another solution?

42 replies

Wallywobbles · 23/08/2023 16:01

Living in France with 4 kids in total.

DD 18 at uni with a full-time summer job,
DD 17 last year of lycée with a full-time summer job,
DSD 17 going into last year of lycée 50/50 residency, not looked for job,
DSS 15 going into first year of lycée 50/50 residency, too young to work in France.

I pay for all family holidays as I'm the higher earner. My DCs can't come on family holidays as they are working. DSD still coming on family holidays as she doesn't want to work and still does 50/50 with both parents and doesn't want to stop.

The current arrangement feels unfair to both me and my kids, do I need to get over it or is there another option?

OP posts:
Original poster
Wallywobbles · 23/08/2023 16:02

And a side issue, how do you feel sufficiently thanked so that you don't feel resentful. Hope that makes sense.

OP posts:
HamishTheCamel · 23/08/2023 16:04

I wouldn't get involved in whether your DSC have summer jobs as I think that's up to their parents, and I wouldn't stop them coming on holiday either. I do think their parents should be paying for them though.

Couldn't your DC even get one week off to come on holiday?

Original poster
Wallywobbles · 23/08/2023 16:07

Sadly no flexibility in my DCs jobs. And if the DSC parents had to pay there would be no holidays for me at all. Bah humbug.

OP posts:
DebussytoaDiscoBeat · 23/08/2023 16:07

17 is still very young, are you making your DD17 with a job pay for herself this holiday? If so I think that’s pretty mean tbh

DebussytoaDiscoBeat · 23/08/2023 16:08

Sorry, I meat to say would you have made your DD17 pay for herself if she’d been able to come?

Original poster
Wallywobbles · 23/08/2023 16:08

DebussytoaDiscoBeat · 23/08/2023 16:07

17 is still very young, are you making your DD17 with a job pay for herself this holiday? If so I think that’s pretty mean tbh

I'm not sure where you got this from. I pay for all holidays for everyone. But DDs are working so can't come.

OP posts:
DebussytoaDiscoBeat · 23/08/2023 16:14

Basically I think if you’d have charged your own DDs to come along on the family holiday then fair enough, it would seem unfair for DSD not to pay (although I’d still think it mean to charge such young adults/nearly adults).

But really I suppose you could argue that with your DDs unable to come along, this isn’t a family holiday as such so no reason you should be paying as though it was.

Soverymuchfruit · 23/08/2023 16:15

How much might the holiday cost per kid? Seems only fair to offer that to your two.

But can't they at least get a bit of unpaid leave?

Or, can you organise your holiday to include a full Friday-Monday, and not be too far away, so they can come straight after work on Friday and travel back last thing on Sunday (without having that day ruined by end-of-holiday faff).

Soverymuchfruit · 23/08/2023 16:17

Or: don't have a family holiday this year. Have a lovely break with just your DH. Woo hoo your kids are old enough to leave! And plan a holiday for another time when everyone can take the time off.

BaronessBomburst · 23/08/2023 16:17

Go away with your children at Easter instead. If need be, scale back the family summer holiday to facilitate this.

Wenfy · 23/08/2023 16:18

You’re the higher earner not the only earner. By all means pay for your own kids and your DP but they should pay for their kids. If they can’t afford it then you go as a couple.

Coffeaddict · 23/08/2023 16:22

I think family holiday another time when your kids can make it and a nice short break with your husband

NoSquirrels · 23/08/2023 16:37

Don’t have a ‘family holiday’ because 50% of the children can’t make it. Plan a holiday with friends instead, or go by yourself, or at a different time of year when your DC can make it.

DebussytoaDiscoBeat · 23/08/2023 16:38

I’m assuming OP’s DH won’t agree to go away as just a couple seeing as OP said unless she pays there’d be no holidays for her at all. He’ll probably also be worried about explaining to DSS that whilst he and OP get to go away DSS won’t get a holiday this year because his step sisters are working (not that it’s OP’s job to facilitate any of this).

OP it sucks but could you sort of compromise by choosing a holiday that you’d really like to go on as opposed to a holiday more geared around your DSC, I don’t mean purposefully choosing something they’d actively dislike but something more along the lines of “I’m going to XYZ city where we’ll be visiting museums and galleries” etc as opposed to “we’re going to go to Centerparcs because that’s what DSC would enjoy.” Lord knows most family holidays I went on as a kid weren’t geared around me and my sibling!

Workawayxx · 23/08/2023 16:42

Maybe a shorter/cheaper "family" holiday for you, DH and your DSCs. Plus a holiday for you with friends or with DH at a different time? Your DSCs get to go away but you also get a grown up holiday and don't feel too resentful as you haven't splurged all your cash/holiday days on a "family" holiday that your DCs haven't been able to go on. Or a full family holiday at a different time (half term or Christmas holidays?) that your DCs can also go on.

mewkins · 23/08/2023 16:42

Go on holiday on your own.

NoSquirrels · 23/08/2023 16:43

It might feel a bit unfair on DSS that he gets less family holidays than the other DC had, but I think that’s fairly natural for the youngest sibling in most families, when their siblings aren’t available to come. There comes a point where ‘family holidays’ aren’t viable any more for loads of reasons. I’d switch it up from now on. No reason why OP can’t go on a break with just her husband instead of DH plus his 2 DC.

TomatoSandwiches · 23/08/2023 16:43

I'd go away by myself tbh and make a point of only paying for your own children each from next year, your partner has a year to save for their share.

Beamur · 23/08/2023 16:45

If you can afford it, I'd go and take the SC's and just be the bigger person this year. Maybe a shorter break or somewhere cheaper and then have a holiday with the whole family when your older DC can come too.
You'll still get a holiday and SM brownie points.

OhComeOnFFS · 23/08/2023 16:46

Why don't you choose a time when your own children will be free - even if that's for a long weekend - and go away with them then?

I know in your position I would be extremely resentful if I couldn't have a holiday on my own with my own children (and spending my own money).

Anyport · 23/08/2023 16:46

Your partner pays for his children.

GrumpyPanda · 23/08/2023 16:54

BaronessBomburst · 23/08/2023 16:17

Go away with your children at Easter instead. If need be, scale back the family summer holiday to facilitate this.

This.

Where does your DP stand in all of this? Is he the one insisting on the current setup?

DebussytoaDiscoBeat · 23/08/2023 16:55

@Beamur SM brownie points don’t exist, anything we do gets taken for granted (just like actual parents except we’re not their bloody parents!)

Original poster
Wallywobbles · 23/08/2023 16:59

DebussytoaDiscoBeat · 23/08/2023 16:55

@Beamur SM brownie points don’t exist, anything we do gets taken for granted (just like actual parents except we’re not their bloody parents!)

That's absolutely it. But DP feels the same that his contribution also goes unseen or unappreciated.

So yes I think the solution is here. Next year we go away when my kids are free and it's just tough if the DSC aren't available then.

This year I'll suck it up.

OP posts:
Original poster
Wallywobbles · 23/08/2023 17:01

Thank you everyone. Very useful and productive outcome.

OP posts: