Feels unfair - do I have to suck it up or is there another solution?

[Wallywobbles]

Living in France with 4 kids in total.

DD 18 at uni with a full-time summer job,
DD 17 last year of lycée with a full-time summer job,
DSD 17 going into last year of lycée 50/50 residency, not looked for job,
DSS 15 going into first year of lycée 50/50 residency, too young to work in France.

I pay for all family holidays as I'm the higher earner. My DCs can't come on family holidays as they are working. DSD still coming on family holidays as she doesn't want to work and still does 50/50 with both parents and doesn't want to stop.

The current arrangement feels unfair to both me and my kids, do I need to get over it or is there another option?

The ‘family holiday’ this year can be a long week end when all children are available - maybe with your DDs travelling back a day early is their schedule is tricky.
Then you can book a couples holiday for a non-contact week.

Is nothing booked yet? Aren't school holidays over in a few weeks anyway?

If you're paying for it all, I'd insist on going when everyone can, or not at all.

As a step-child, I'd say that when you marry someone who already has kids, there is some degree of sucking it up, because the kids were part of the deal that you signed up to. That probably means some share of childcare, shopping, cooking, cleaning, laundry and paying for things like holidays, at least until those DC have finished school or there's been mutual agreement that they won't come on family holidays any more.

However, if your 17 year old DD isn't coming (because she's working), there is definitely an argument that your 17 year old DSD doesn't come either. Not wanting to get a summer job isn't really a good argument for having a holiday instead. After all, who wouldn't rather be on holiday than working? I stopped going on holiday with my DPs and DSPs at 16 (and heaved a sigh of relief - as I'm sure they did too 😆)

I think you're crazy to even entertain this op. You're paying so you choose the timing. Why on earth wouldn't you just choose a time your children can attend?

100% this. Leave the kids at home.

Yep. Step parents get taken for granted as do non-steps, but it grates more! (Am both a step and a parent myself)
I think in the long run, kids see their parents/step parents contribution (or not!) in much greater clarity once they become parents themselves.

You know if your not happy with paying for everyone, you realise you don't have too right ? Just say to dh I want to go on holiday but you need to handle your share of the holiday bill ?

If not I would holiday with friends this sounds mad

Can you just go away with your DP and no kids this year?

Nothing wrong with a kid free holiday.

id never leave my kids behind and take my step child on holiday with out them. I’d rather not go away then let my kids miss out.

Also if he insists his DC come then he can pay for them …. Otherwise it’s a couples break only.

I vote for you and DH going away together and you and your DC going away. Or all DC. But you and DH and his DC seems unfair if you’re paying!

Do his DC appreciate the hols and thank you?

I think you're right. If he wants his kids to go on holiday he needs to cough up

This OP.

Instead of going away in the summer, go when your dc can go.

OP
If you do it this year, you'll have set the precedent again. Actually worse - both the existing one of you paying for the step kids, and the worse one that you will go on holidays without your kids but with the stepkids.
So don't do that.

Instead if you can't get a long weekend including your kids, just don't do it and go away with your friends. As DP doesn't want to come on a couple only holiday.

That way you'll have set that precedent for him, so next year he'll know that if he wants to go on holidays he'll have to pay for his kids, or go on a couple's holiday.
I think that is more likely to work.

None of the children need to come away with you apart from maybe the 15 year old. The 17 and 18 year olds are old enough to look after themselves.

In fact if the 15 year old isn't a brat and would defer to their older siblings/step-siblings particularly the 18 year old in an emergency, he doesn't have to come either.

I have plenty of tales of children from age 14 on wards who are step-children who refused to go on holiday with their parent and step-parent. It helped that there was an older sibling or cousin who was a young adult who lived with them and kept an eye on them.

I don’t know, it’s a bit odd, isn’t it? Surely holidays are paid for the same way as other family costs? For example, you must have some agreements in place about how everything else is paid for with the various children, so why are holidays different?

They're old enough to leave behind.

Why don't you go away with DP for this holiday, and schedule a family holiday when your children are available?

They should be thanking you for the holiday, if not the DSC, then your partner should be demonstrating that they are grateful for the opportunities you give their children.