Step kids want to live with us full time.

[ahhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhh]

My dh has two children to a previous relationship. They are with us Friday to Monday every other weekend. I have one child and we have one child together.

Our blended family works fairly well. Step kids are lovely and a credit to their mother. Dh is a bit of a Disney dad, but does put a lot of time into them.

I have a great relationship with the kids, but this is because I don’t parent them at all, as in I don’t force them to clean up, do homework etc. I just enjoy the fun parts of life with them.

Our time with them is fun, they have boundaries but it’s generally the fun house. The kids want to live here full time. I don’t think it’s a good idea because I am not going to put the time into parenting them like I do with my kids. My dh works until late so most of the parenting would be left to me.

The kid’s parents are negotiating what to do, but I don’t know if I should be honest about my concerns.

You're caught between a rock and a hard place, and your DH gets to carry on being a disney dad. So sorry he doesn't pull his weight. I couldn't be dealing with it

I get everyone saying it's him only. It is him. But also OP knowingly going along with it.

A good few years ago I ended up as a single parent. I had been doing all childcare/house stuff while he worked. Immediately I was a single parent with no income other than benefits and I had never had any help from family. I went to the jobcentre to try and find work but there was nothing available to me because of lack of qualifications and the only jobs I had previously required flexible shifts (evenings and weekends when nurseries aren't open).

The advisor told me I should 'tell' my ex that it was his DC too and do 50/50. As if I hadn't already explained that to him!

Told her he said no, so what was I supposed to do? She looked at me as if I was rubbish for not 'forcing' him. You can't force anyone and I would hardly not bother with my children 50 percent of the week just because it should have been him doing it.

Point is sometimes people are shit, you don't take it out on the kids. If you don't care about children if they are not biologically related don't get with a man with children, especially one you know can't provide basic care.

I have no idea how people think it is ok to witness this and stay there and do nothing. If I had my niece and nephew staying I wouldn't send them out dirty or without lunch because they're not mine.

Any decent person, especially one who is already a parent, knows children need clean clothes and a meal before going to school.

It's already been ascertained the DH is not so unsure why anyone is sticking up for the OP when she knows full well what any child requires and full well her DH does none of it. Hardly a surprise every Monday morning.

The DCs are being treated differently because your DC have their activities prioritised, clean clothes, homework completed and packed lunches. The step-DCs aren't getting any of that - it's not your fault - it's their DF's - but it still remains that the DCs aren't being treated the same.
You need to tell both your DH and his ex (by text or email so they can't deny it at a later point) that the DC go to school in dirty uniforms, without lunch and you don't enforce or monitor homework - that they won't always get to their activities, that if they do get to their activities then you won't stay to watch, etc. Moving into your house on those terms will have a massive impact on the MH of the step-DCs - and you should point that out too. They will feel like second-class citizens. No adult who cares for them should want that to happen. And also if it continues to happen - dirty uniforms, homework not done, no lunch - the school will flag to SS.
Your DH and his ex may assume you don't mean it because tbh it sounds completely unreasonable that someone who cared for DCs would allow any of that to happen. But you need to be clear you see it as your DH's role. You need to make it just as clear to their DM. It may have fall-out on your relationship with the step-DCs but it's better to be honest about how bloody awful it's going to be for them, than let them move in.

Well, sure, I think that's fair and reasonable. EXCEPT...

all these posts seem to think that ONLY the OP should take on extra. The reality is that if you have a blended, larger family, that should be more work for EVERYONE. But instead, it's just more work for OP and her H is still just wafting around taking the kids for fun time at football but not thinking about the 101 things that need to happen to keep them healthy and happy.

This is actually a very depressing thread. I've seen lots of posts recently where the OP is told she should just suck things up and or do more or not get upset about whatever. What is going on!?

@AaaaaandBreathe The difference is you are also responsible for your DC. It's like saying someone is obliged to adopt a neglected child, it just isn't the case and it isn't fair to put that on other people and accuse them of "taking it out on the kids". They aren't taking it out on them, they just aren't being incredibly generous and taking on a responsibility that is not theirs to even think about. The buck stops with mum and dad unless somebody else volunteers. I'm sure if OP thought they were in danger she wouldn't stand by but that would be a very dramatic reading to this kind of thing which is really not that shocking, if a bit shit.

This is a sad thread. Points are being scored and the kids are stuck in the middle - they will feel the different treatment acutely, even if they don't say anything. And is the father even aware that these points are being scored at the expense of his kids? OP, you really need to set all this down in writing to him and his ex so all the adults involved are very clear on what the situation will be, and what he needs to do. I really wouldn't proceed with this, because if he's not automatically doing the inevitable adulting that goes with having kids, not just being Disney Dad, then you face a constant slog to try and get him to do it going forward.

Also OP you should consider that if the stepDCs move in and they continue to go to school in dirty uniforms, no lunch, no homework, drop out of activities, etc, and it is flagged to SS then that impacts on your DC and your shared DC. The firm lines you're drawing about who has responsibility for caring for all the DCs in your blended family - won't make any difference to SS. They're not going to say it's fine that your biological DCs have clean uniform and the step-DCs don't. You also need to think about the impact on your DC to live in a house where there are clear lines between what is supposed to be a blended family. You need to think hard about the obvious conclusion and consequences of all of this.
I'm not sure how any of the relationships come back from it. It's laying stark the massive fissures in all the relationships and threatening to cement even worse ones.

That's not what people are saying. They are saying he should be doing it but he's not. So the kids are missing out. She doesn't have to do anything, she can stay and watch or she can leave. People are caring only about the children who possibly might live in a household with two adults where neither of them will meet basic needs, and their Mum who does the bulk of everything isn't even kept in the loop because it's not OPs job to waste 5 mins of her time filling the Mum in even when she knows the DH won't. So neither of them thinking about the kids which doesn't help them and they are the important ones. Or at least, should be.

Let's hope noone makes any concerning calls to your house. What you have described is neglect and I am surprised you have children of your own do you not clean their uniform as well or give them lunch?

If the mum is a single parent I'm sure she's keen to have 50% less driving and childcare expense. She knows you'll end up doing all the grunt work OP. She'll probably increase her hours at work and enjoy a little more leisure time, thanks to the free nanny.

Maybe read all the OP’s posts?

Social services will not consider a child wearing Friday’s clothes on Monday or being dropped at school a couple of times for unscheduled before school club and unscheduled school dinner to be a neglect issue.

She made sure they left with no lunch do care still neglect.

@SheilaFentiman if it happens regularly school will be making a note of it and may start asking questions

Nope. The school allows children to have school lunch “on the day” and bills after. Not neglect.

Also, she found out five minutes before they left that they didn’t have lunch. Saying “get school lunch instead” is a perfectly rational way of dealing with that. And would be very acceptable on here if eg a biological parent found the bread was mouldy when it came to make sandwiches

You obviously haven't read OP's posts. OP said:

If they live here they will often not have their lunch packed or clean uniform.

OP also said the dirty uniform happens every time the stepDCs are with them. atm the dirty uniform only happens on a Monday because that's the only day OP and her DH are sending them to school. But if the step-DCs live with them full-time then it will be happening more because OP has no expectation her DH will step up and OP isn't going to do it either.

She could do this, she should do that, she should contact the mum to engineer a solution, literally anything but the kids’ FATHER should lift a finger.

She doesn’t have them over the weekend, it’s their dad’s contact time!

OP says it has happened a couple of times. And the questions are likely to be “do you want to register Susie and Katie for lunch on Mondays?”

Which would actually be another way for the dad to solve the problem of course…

Mmmm. IF they live with them - which I think we all, including OP, think is a bad idea!

@SheilaFentiman most schools expect breakfast club and lunches to be paid for in advance, not just expect children to turn up out of the blue. At the local Primaries here you would be expected to pay and choose lunch through parent gateway or whatever the system is called. If a child turns up at school with dirty clothes and no lunch or means of paying for it, I would be expecting that school to be asking questions

@ICanBuyMyOwnBooks my response was to this: "I am surprised you have children of your own do you not clean their uniform as well or give them lunch" - Poster has explained re laundry.

You’re certainly not a ‘blended’ family.

You need to speak up and say it’s not happening though.

The absolute fucking irony of posters saying OP shouldn't even let her step-DCs DM know that they're going to school in dirty uniforms and yet if there is any case in the media about DC being neglected, everyone asks how it happens. It happens because adults are too busy playing silly buggers like this. Neglect happens because the 'responsible' parent - in this case OP's DH - isn't being responsible. And in those cases, we rely on capable people escalating it. So yy OP can report her DH to SS but that will impact on her DC and their shared DC. Or OP could contact step-DCs' school. Or OP could tell their DM. Fgs.

Yeah, probably eventually - but not on the couple of occasions re lunch thus far

Dirty clothes - it’s quite possible that Friday’s clothes do not look or smell dirty on Monday, unless the kids did painting and assuming they are primary age. So again, unlikely to be seen as neglect, IMO.

But going OT a bit!

Most organised parents not all obviously would wash their children's school clothes and P.E kit on a Friday. I read this somewhere don't ask me where appertaining the yummy mummies and daddies are slaying it with 6 kids. Don't get me started on that couple with 21 kids how do they do it and then you have the shameless op and her Disney husband.

*apparently