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Step-parenting

Connect with other Mumsnetters here for step-parenting advice and support.

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Original poster

Family photo

116 replies

Cheesus1 · 10/08/2023 19:05

Its my parents wedding anniversary coming up and me and my siblings are arranging a photoshoot of all the grandchildren for a nice picture of them all together as part of a gift. My mum has said in the past she'd love something like this to hang on the wall at their house. Question is, as is probably obvious now, does it need to include my stepchildren do you think? I think no, DH seems to have assumed they will be though. Why he has assumed this I really have no idea as their relationship with my parents is not that of grandparent and grandchildren, they get on well with my mum although she doesnt think of them as grandchildren (they dont think of her as gran either) but that's really the extent of their relationship with my family. They don't know my siblings that well nor my dad, they have rarely if at all met any of my nieces or nephews. I guess in my head it would just be odd to include them in a picture for my parents when they really aren't part of the 'grandchild' group and feel like I'd just be adding them for ease of hurting DHs feelings when it's not about him or them, it's about something for my parents. If it helps, they are rarely at my parents home so unlikely to see the picture often.

OP posts:

Are your children’s vaccines up to date?

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Original poster

Cheesus1 · 10/08/2023 19:06

I did add paragraphs, no idea where they have gone sorry!

Also forgot to add ages. They are 7 and 10, both girls. Our child is 18 months.

OP posts:

littlepeaches · 10/08/2023 19:09

No. I wouldn't be adding stepchildren.

YourNameGoesHere · 10/08/2023 19:11

I think it's quite sad your parents don't see them as grand children especially as it seems like you've been in their lives since they were quite young.

I would want them included they are family and it wouldn't seem right to not have them take part.

NewNameNigel · 10/08/2023 19:13

As its a gift for your patents this should be based on what they want rather than what your husband wants.

My dsds would think it was really weird if my parents wanted photos of them anyway. If your SCs don't have a grandparent relationship with them they probably wouldn't want to be in the picture anyway.

FlickFlackTrap · 10/08/2023 19:14

YourNameGoesHere · 10/08/2023 19:11

I think it's quite sad your parents don't see them as grand children especially as it seems like you've been in their lives since they were quite young.

I would want them included they are family and it wouldn't seem right to not have them take part.

Is it sad? They aren’t blood relatives so the relationship just isn’t the same. the children likely have their own grandparents.

I wouldn’t add step children either OP.

doroda · 10/08/2023 19:15

No, I wouldn't include them and I disagree with the pp that it's sad that your parents don't see them as their grandchildren. They're not their grandchildren.

donkir · 10/08/2023 19:15

I include my nephew. He's been in our lives since he was 3 (now 15) although he doesn't call my parents grandpa and grandma he is still theirs grandson.
Same with my step mum, my eldest was 3 or 4 when my dad got with her and again although he doesn't call her grandma she is his grandma. My youngest is 8 and calls her grandma.

TVstolemyevenings · 10/08/2023 19:17

No I wouldn’t

will your DH be very upset about this?

Spirallingdownwards · 10/08/2023 19:18

My son has an 8 yesr old step son who I very much see as my grandchild in the same way that he sees him as a child of his family.

In this case if it is a surprise and you simply can't ask your parents would they like them included can you not do pics with them in and without them in and show the grandparents the proof pictures and ask which they would like ?

Bubop · 10/08/2023 19:19

I think that’s a really tricky one.

It wouldn’t be so much of an issue if your child wasn’t your DH’s, but having a little brother or sister who lives with their dad full time already has the potential to make them feel pushed out. I 100% understand your DH not wanting to make the difference more noticeable by having only your shared DC involved in the photo.

Obviously if your mum doesn’t have a close relationship with them then it would be weird to have them in the photo. Though her not seeing them as grandchildren is likely to cause more issues in the future now that you have a shared DC… are you all likely to visit your family at Christmas etc? How will you deal with the potential for obviously different levels of gifts? Or even just on a random visit? Is it going to be obvious that they’re not viewed in the same way as their younger sibling?

And yes, obviously they might have family on their mum’s side that make a fuss of them. But your child won’t be sat on the sidelines watching that happen.

In your shoes I’d use this as an opportunity to discuss possible future issues with your DH and hopefully come up with a plan to either improve your stepchildren’s relationship with your family, or decide to keep visits where they see each other to a minimum (and definitely avoid things like Christmas).

StressedToDeathhhh · 10/08/2023 19:19

No I wouldnt include them. My experience sister had a photo done of his oldest, his nephew and our daughter - my eldest wasn't included and would have found it very weird if she was asked to be. It's not her nan. All families are different though so depends on the dynamics

MeridianB · 10/08/2023 19:22

How long have you and DH been together?

It doesn’t sound like your parents would expect a photo with SKs in if they don’t know them well. But it sounds like your DH has a different perspective.

If you’ve been in their lives for a long time, could you compromise by paying for a separate photo of just the five of you?

Fair warning, very sImilar threads to this have seen posters get apoplectic about SKs not be in step mum’s family photos, so strap in for accusations of how damaging their exclusion will be and how it show you hate them.

Also, if your parents aren’t close to SKs or don’t see them often, you’ll be told that’s unacceptable, too.

Original poster

Cheesus1 · 10/08/2023 19:22

I feel like this is more awkward if they choose the one without them in then everyone will know that's what they chose. Or they'll feel obligated to choose the other.

I appreciate other people's experiences are different and stepchildren are treated like grandchildren in other scenarios but its just not the way it is in ours. I don't necessarily find it a problem to be honest. I think my family is entitled to have whatever relationship they want (or not) with them providing they are kind and polite which they always are.

I do feel it would feel more odd if they were included almost like it was inclusion just for the sake if it and a bit out of place.

OP posts:

YourNameGoesHere · 10/08/2023 19:23

FlickFlackTrap · 10/08/2023 19:14

Is it sad? They aren’t blood relatives so the relationship just isn’t the same. the children likely have their own grandparents.

I wouldn’t add step children either OP.

Show quote history

Well yes I think it's quite sad.

They were very small children when the op met their dad by the looks of it and they now have a new sibling. To them this is just one more experience they will miss out on and see themselves as not part of their dads new family.

Yes they may have grandparents already but it doesn't bode well for any future events or family gatherings where they will plainly see they are being left out.

HeckyPeck · 10/08/2023 19:25

StressedToDeathhhh · 10/08/2023 19:19

Step child here and I agree with this. I would have thought it was bloody weird to be asked!

MeridianB · 10/08/2023 19:25

I appreciate other people's experiences are different and stepchildren are treated like grandchildren in other scenarios but it’s just not the way it is in ours. I don't necessarily find it a problem to be honest. I think my family is entitled to have whatever relationship they want (or not) with them providing they are kind and polite which they always are.

You’re spot-on. There’s no one size fits all here.

FreshStart12345 · 10/08/2023 19:26

It really depends on the relationship between the step children and the grandparents.
My in-laws have photos of my dc (so dh's step dc) but that's because they've built that grandparents/grandchild relationship. They don't see their paternal family and have chosen to refer to dh as "dad" so a very different relationship to what you are describing.
For the relationship that isn't close and is just dads-partners-family then I wouldn't include no

Louoby · 10/08/2023 19:27

Nope, no need at all. Simple, others who say it's sad are just crazy. The step children have their own other grandparents and it's not necessary to blend every part of a family. My step children wouldn't be included in a family photo. My parents have no photos of them in their home, nor do they see them as grandchildren. They treat them lovely and buy them nice presents, not just tokens, but that's enough in my opinion.

claire841 · 10/08/2023 19:30

Nope. We did a family photo for my dad as a Christmas present last year off all us siblings and his grandchildren and my SD wasn't in.

Lovingitallnow · 10/08/2023 19:31

We did something similar, but as adults and for ourselves not grandparents. I included our step-cousins because a) it really wasn't that big a deal for us. And b) I felt although my step-cousins (so weird to say that) wouldn't give a shit whether they were included or not, I think their half sister would have. She'd have never said but I think not having her big sister or brother in it would have been a bit strange when everyone else had their full sibling set.

caringcarer · 10/08/2023 19:31

FlickFlackTrap · 10/08/2023 19:14

Is it sad? They aren’t blood relatives so the relationship just isn’t the same. the children likely have their own grandparents.

I wouldn’t add step children either OP.

Show quote history

Yes it is sad. My MiL loves my DC and they are not blood related in any way but both MiL and FiL have always treated them as DGC and I know she has them in her Will to inherit exactly the same as her biological DGC. My 2 DC are grown up now but sometimes they take turns to drive 300 miles round trip to visit their Nan who now live alone at 82 and really loves them to visit her. If your Mum has rejected them as DGC then no point in including them.

gogomoto · 10/08/2023 19:35

I think it depends if you are including spouses and partners. If you only include their children and biological grandchildren so descendants it is an easier sell plus gets around the "what to do about the picture if someone splits up dilemma)

YaWeeFurryBastard · 10/08/2023 19:36

Gosh. Are these children part of your family or not?

sheworemellowyellow · 10/08/2023 19:36

In the circumstances you describe, no it’s not wrong to exclude them.

AverageJoan · 10/08/2023 19:38

I would include my step-nephew - we did in a similar photoshoot we did for my grandmother's 80th birthday. He's been in our lives since he was 3 and he is family, regardless of the blood relation. It would've been odd not to.
But I think if DSCs don't spend that much time with your DM perhaps it would be for them to be included? Every family is different

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