Page 2 | Family photo

Cheesus1 · 2023-08-10T18:05:08+00:00

Its my parents wedding anniversary coming up and me and my siblings are arranging a photoshoot of all the grandchildren for a nice picture of them all together as part of a gift. My mum has said in the past she'd love something like this to hang on the wall at their house. Question is, as is probably obvious now, does it need to include my stepchildren do you think? I think no, DH seems to have assumed they will be though. Why he has assumed this I really have no idea as their relationship with my parents is not that of grandparent and grandchildren, they get on well with my mum although she doesnt think of them as grandchildren (they dont think of her as gran either) but that's really the extent of their relationship with my family. They don't know my siblings that well nor my dad, they have rarely if at all met any of my nieces or nephews. I guess in my head it would just be odd to include them in a picture for my parents when they really aren't part of the 'grandchild' group and feel like I'd just be adding them for ease of hurting DHs feelings when it's not about him or them, it's about something for my parents. If it helps, they are rarely at my parents home so unlikely to see the picture often.

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gogomoto · 10/08/2023 19:38

For my mum it's just her kids and grandchildren included so should add though our was not a photoshoot, it's a covid era montage photoshopped

painochocolate · 10/08/2023 19:41

Completely depends on dynamics of the family. I wouldn't include my stepchildren as they just don't have that relationship. It's not that they don't get on, they just don't see them enough. It isn't a priority as their own grandparents and family are priority during the time they spend with DH. There's no weirdness. No hard feelings. Just a sense of acceptance of people being different things to different people.

LemonLimeDivine · 10/08/2023 19:45

Nope, I wouldn’t include them.

roseheartfly · 10/08/2023 19:49

Just arrange it on a day you don't have SC.

CorylusAgain · 10/08/2023 19:51

Why do people struggle to accept that families - including step-families differ massively. Why would there be one answer that fits all?

Given your description of the relationship between your dsc and your parents, it doesn't sound unreasonable to not include them.

My personal experience is that it's perfectly possible for children to understand and accept differing relationships within a blended family. Doesn't automatically indicate sadness!

My dd has never received as much as birthday card from her dsm's mother. Doesn't bother dd in the slightest.

aSofaNearYou · 10/08/2023 19:53

Of course they shouldn't be included, please don't do that just to appease your DH, it was a weird assumption on his part given they aren't close.

ItsMyUkelele · 10/08/2023 19:56

No. It's a gift for your parents who don't consider them to be relatives. It makes no sense to include them.

painochocolate · 10/08/2023 19:58

aSofaNearYou · 10/08/2023 19:53

Of course they shouldn't be included, please don't do that just to appease your DH, it was a weird assumption on his part given they aren't close.

I agree. It sounds like perhaps he could do with some counselling to address his feelings around his divorce and the children's family structure. He's trying to force them into a mould.

aSofaNearYou · 10/08/2023 20:01

They were very small children when the op met their dad by the looks of it and they now have a new sibling. To them this is just one more experience they will miss out on and see themselves as not part of their dads new family.

I really don't think having a photo taken is something kids will be bothered about enough to reminisce about/feel jealous of. The photos will not be up in their dad's "new family" house, they'll be in the house of some old lady they rarely see.

maryberryslayers · 10/08/2023 20:06

No. it's a gift for your parents not DH. If they aren't seen as grandchildren, which is perfectly fine, then there's absolutely no reason for them to be included.

DH can pay for and include them in as many photos as he likes, just not this one.

Backagain23 · 10/08/2023 20:21

painochocolate · 10/08/2023 19:41

Completely depends on dynamics of the family. I wouldn't include my stepchildren as they just don't have that relationship. It's not that they don't get on, they just don't see them enough. It isn't a priority as their own grandparents and family are priority during the time they spend with DH. There's no weirdness. No hard feelings. Just a sense of acceptance of people being different things to different people.

Where do you get off being so bloody sensible when people are trying to have a good froth? 😂
It's like that in my family too. DSD likes my parents and they like her and it's all fine but they'd all find it very odd to be told they are doing their own relationship with each other wrong as they don't see each other as grandparents and grandchild.

umbrellamirrorpotato · 10/08/2023 20:30

Depends on family dynamic I suppose?

My SGP have photos of me and my children in their house, no one made them they just do which really made me feel really loved by them ,but I do have a close relationship with them, however I don’t really ever expect to be included in all things grandchildren but I am older so can rationalise more I suppose.

I see both sides really, but would it be a massive issue for your parents if they were in it? Would the kids even care if they weren’t in it or would they feel left out? If your DH automatically presumes they will be in the picture he obviously thinks your parents see them as grandchildren

YetMoreNewBeginnings · 10/08/2023 20:37

In the dynamic you gave it wouldn’t be weird at all not to include them.

Every family is different - it would be weird if my girls weren’t included in a pic for MIL given she lives with us, they call her Granny and they’re very close. Wouldn’t be odd to not have BIL’s step son as he was 15 when they met, he doesn’t see her as his Granny and we’ve all only met him 3 times due to distance

Step families are all different.

painochocolate · 10/08/2023 20:39

Backagain23 · 10/08/2023 20:21

Where do you get off being so bloody sensible when people are trying to have a good froth? 😂
It's like that in my family too. DSD likes my parents and they like her and it's all fine but they'd all find it very odd to be told they are doing their own relationship with each other wrong as they don't see each other as grandparents and grandchild.

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😆 yes. That's it exactly. They don't see each other as that sort of family.

Perhaps more like a distant cousin.

Cloudsandrainnotsunandsand · 10/08/2023 20:42

Get 1 with them for your home and 1 without for your dps..

SemperIdem · 10/08/2023 20:49

My step grandparents were lovely people, I was very fond of them and I know they were of me (and my sibling) too.

They didn’t have photographs of us on their walls as they did my stepdad’s sisters children, because we weren’t their grandchildren.

I wouldn’t expect my in laws to want a “family photograph” that included my child, she’s not their grandchild. My parents wouldn’t want a photograph of my stepchildren either.

I think in blended families where the other parent/side of the family isn’t involved, total immersion is much more commonplace. When you’re talking children with a full “other side” of their family actively in their lives, it is more nuanced.

KeepingKeepingOn · 10/08/2023 20:58

It sounds like you (collectively) haven’t developed a family dynamic where it would be unusual for them not to be included, so it’s probably less weird to do it without them.

I do find it a bit sad that people’s definition of ‘family’ seems to be blood relatives only. I have a large extended family of half siblings, step siblings, and adopted siblings - we don’t have massive amounts in common, and we don’t spend lots of time together, but we’re still very much a family and I treasure the photos from our rare big family gatherings. I find the MN view of what constitutes a family really narrow and not particularly inclusive.

CornishGem1975 · 11/08/2023 06:57

I wouldn't expect my DC to be included in a photo for my inlaws.

TVstolemyevenings · 11/08/2023 07:09

Your main difficulty here is going to be handling your DH

If everyone is relaxed and easy about the current arrangements on contact with each other in your wider family and the SC (which imho sounds entirely typical and about right and very pleasant) why is DH suddenly feeling differently about this one?

Id honestly change the whole plan if this is going to create drama. Get them something else!

Backagain23 · 11/08/2023 07:23

KeepingKeepingOn · 10/08/2023 20:58

It sounds like you (collectively) haven’t developed a family dynamic where it would be unusual for them not to be included, so it’s probably less weird to do it without them.

I do find it a bit sad that people’s definition of ‘family’ seems to be blood relatives only. I have a large extended family of half siblings, step siblings, and adopted siblings - we don’t have massive amounts in common, and we don’t spend lots of time together, but we’re still very much a family and I treasure the photos from our rare big family gatherings. I find the MN view of what constitutes a family really narrow and not particularly inclusive.

Save your sadness for kids like my DH who find out the hard way after yet another split that their new grandparents, aunties and uncles were no such thing.
Or my DS who is going to realise after the death of his DGF that stepMIL was never actually Gran and now doesn't want to see him or her other "grandchildren".
If I had my way she would never have had the title but that was how things were already done for DSD.

DustyLee123 · 11/08/2023 07:25

No I wouldn’t. I won’t look at my wedding photos now as my, then, step father and step sister are on them.

YetMoreNewBeginnings · 11/08/2023 07:52

I find the MN view of what constitutes a family really narrow and not particularly inclusive.

I think it needs to be remembered that on forums you generally get more of the negatives of any situation. So you’re always going to hear about more step families that don’t work, more nightmare MIL’s, and the likes in tbt same way you hear about more bad neighbours and nightmare bosses.

You don’t get threads about families that all just plod along fine and integrated in a way that everyone is happy with because there’s nothing to rant or ask about.

Cloudsandrainnotsunandsand · 11/08/2023 08:12

Ime it's quite dangerous to provide dc with relatives that aren't really relatives. When my df remarried his dw was keen to be dgm. Until she decided otherwise and my dc were dropped like a bag of bricks... Similarly when I remarried mil was great and announced she wanted to be dgm. Dc were dropped again when she changed her mind..

toomuchlaundry · 11/08/2023 08:19

Always seems to be a different perspective if you are the mum or dad. If you are the mum then marry again, there seems to be an uproar if the new in-laws don’t treat all children the same, step kid or not. But if you marry someone who is already a dad the kids don’t count

YetMoreNewBeginnings · 11/08/2023 08:22

Cloudsandrainnotsunandsand · 11/08/2023 08:12

Ime it's quite dangerous to provide dc with relatives that aren't really relatives. When my df remarried his dw was keen to be dgm. Until she decided otherwise and my dc were dropped like a bag of bricks... Similarly when I remarried mil was great and announced she wanted to be dgm. Dc were dropped again when she changed her mind..

Tbh you could say that about relatives as well.

So many people, men mostly, just walk away from their kids. And when that happens the grandparents/aunts etc mostly vanish as well.

People are always surprised that my girls have a strong relationship with exes parents when he has no relationship with them. He himself thinks his parents disloyal for going again his choice.