Family photo

[Cheesus1]

Its my parents wedding anniversary coming up and me and my siblings are arranging a photoshoot of all the grandchildren for a nice picture of them all together as part of a gift. My mum has said in the past she'd love something like this to hang on the wall at their house. Question is, as is probably obvious now, does it need to include my stepchildren do you think? I think no, DH seems to have assumed they will be though. Why he has assumed this I really have no idea as their relationship with my parents is not that of grandparent and grandchildren, they get on well with my mum although she doesnt think of them as grandchildren (they dont think of her as gran either) but that's really the extent of their relationship with my family. They don't know my siblings that well nor my dad, they have rarely if at all met any of my nieces or nephews. I guess in my head it would just be odd to include them in a picture for my parents when they really aren't part of the 'grandchild' group and feel like I'd just be adding them for ease of hurting DHs feelings when it's not about him or them, it's about something for my parents. If it helps, they are rarely at my parents home so unlikely to see the picture often.

That's exactly what I wanted to try and explain - there's a similar dynamic in my family, my extended family don't really know DSS, but there's no bad blood or anything negative - all parties rub along fine when they see each other but don't really regard each other as 'family' to be honest.

This is the second thread this week about whether (or not) the step mum's relatives should consider the step child as 'one of their own'. We got into some nonsense about 'step cousins' .....

Which is why parents shouldn't move in with people their children dislike. There is a huge gulf between hating someone so much you ignore them and loving them as a parent / sibling.

This isn't relevant to the topic I was discussing though. I was responding to posters who think it's sad that in some families they aren't thought of a grandchild by the parents of thedl step parent.

Your DH is being ridiculous. Tell him straight, this is a photo for your parents and your step-children aren't going to be in it.

I suppose that's the point, my husband has a very close relationship with his step GC so for him it would be upsetting if they were left out. To him they are all his GC as much as they are mine.

So a completely different situation from the OPs then who says

their relationship with my parents is not that of grandparent and grandchildren, they get on well with my mum although she doesnt think of them as grandchildren (they dont think of her as gran either) but that's really the extent of their relationship with my family. They don't know my siblings that well nor my dad, they have rarely if at all met any of my nieces or nephews.

Your mum’s relationship with your stepdaughters should reflect the relationship you have with them, otherwise there’s a potential for them to get hurt. If they’re close with you, they will absolutely take it personally that they aren’t included in the family pic. I think you definitely need to talk with your Mum about this - what these girls’ maternal grandparents do is irrelevant because your child will never be spending time with them.

You're not a step parent are you...

That's just not how things work. There are so many factors involved in this. You simply cannot dictate how two parties who have not chosen to be involved with each feel about one another.

It's would be controlling to try and dictate how your step children and parents feel about each other..

Which was the point I was making in replying to the previous post. Glad you agree with me though.

I wouldn't include them... when I got married my nanan had only met my husbands son twice (even though we'd been together 8 years at that point) and so we took some photos seperate as she wanted a photo of me, husband and our daughter together. I do think it all depends on everyone's relationship though, my family have no relationship with SS at all as they've never really met him as husband worked away a lot so SS wasn't around much.

I have a step mum and was close to her dad (now sadly died). If he had a family photo and my step mum purposely left me out I would have been very sad.

But would you have been sad if you weren't that close to your step mothers mother and barely knew the other people in the photograph being taken as a gift for this woman?
Might as well be sad not to be in the photo of your next door neighbours grandchildren. You probably know them better than many kids know their step parents parents.

It's not a family photoshoot, it's a grandchildren-only photoshoot specifically arranged as a present for her parents. This is relevant because it's not something OP's arranging as something for herself and deciding "who is my family?" and excluding her DSC - she's viewing this through the lens of "Do my parents and DSC have a grandparent-grandchild relationship - No - so why would DSC be included any more than grand nephews/nieces etc, even OP herself won't be in it!

You’re absolutely right, but common sense generally goes out the window with anything step-related

This.

In this case if it is a surprise and you simply can't ask your parents would they like them included can you not do pics with them in and without them in and show the grandparents the proof pictures and ask which they would like

I think that's worse!

It's putting the grandparents, who this is supposed to be for, in a position where they have to decide whether to hurt the feelings of the OP's husband by deliberately choosing a photo without the stepchildren in it. Or have a photo with two people in it who they hardly know.

'Oh, have your parents got their photo yet? Yes, they chose the one without Bob and Sue in it'

In that case just do one with them in it.

In that case just do one with them in it.

What do you mean?