Family photo

[Cheesus1]

Its my parents wedding anniversary coming up and me and my siblings are arranging a photoshoot of all the grandchildren for a nice picture of them all together as part of a gift. My mum has said in the past she'd love something like this to hang on the wall at their house. Question is, as is probably obvious now, does it need to include my stepchildren do you think? I think no, DH seems to have assumed they will be though. Why he has assumed this I really have no idea as their relationship with my parents is not that of grandparent and grandchildren, they get on well with my mum although she doesnt think of them as grandchildren (they dont think of her as gran either) but that's really the extent of their relationship with my family. They don't know my siblings that well nor my dad, they have rarely if at all met any of my nieces or nephews. I guess in my head it would just be odd to include them in a picture for my parents when they really aren't part of the 'grandchild' group and feel like I'd just be adding them for ease of hurting DHs feelings when it's not about him or them, it's about something for my parents. If it helps, they are rarely at my parents home so unlikely to see the picture often.

My mum gave my partners kids pocket money when he and I took our kids on holiday (my 2, his 3)

All kids treated same. To me, keeping them separate is old fashioned, bordering on hurtful and shows there is some element of disapproval about the blended family.

Think ahead 20 years. Your DP wants all children to have harmony. Your approach is teaching them separation.
What sort of relationship would you like the DC to have between themselves in 20 years?

Smiling happy children in a photo are surely more important.

I suggest a montage of several shots instead of a solo shot of only one of them.

I think it's completely dependent on family relationships. If they have little or nothing to do with the rest of your family then why would they be included in the photo?

It's the nature of shared care.

In our family we have adopted, steps, former steps (but half siblings), half siblings that were never steps. It's not the legally defined relationship that is relevant but the lived one.

You've almost touched upon something sensible here, then opted for judgment instead. The reason for this is that mum is generally the resident parent, so they are generally present and involved with the vast majority of things their half siblings do. Dad's are generally the non resident parent, with 50/50 at most, often less. Everyone involved is far more used to them leading different lives to their half siblings, they aren't there most or all of the time so aren't as integrated into all areas of their dad and step mum's lives. This is just a practical result of how much they are around. It isn't malicious.

@aSofaNearYou just feels like they are a lesser being if they are dad’s children

If they get included just to placate your H, then it’s a gift for your H and not your parents.

Go ahead without the step children.

It's not all about what he wants. There always seems to be a assumption that step parents need to be so desperate for their DC to be very close to their half siblings when they are adults that they must live in constant fear of it not happening, never daring to do what feels natural and authentic, always putting themselves in awkward situations such as this one where her parents have to be indirectly told the way they see their family is wrong and they should be forcing an affection they don't feel.

I'd be happy for my DC to be close to my DSS when they grow up but that's on them, it's not a central concern of mine. Fear of it not happening is not going to stop me doing what feels natural to my family now.

I actually think it's more old fashioned to insist everyone must pretend to be a nuclear family when it isn't how they feel.

No, it doesn't. Did you read my post and think the logic through? You are responding stubbornly and emotively, not thinking logically.

They are not "lesser beings", that is daft. Is everyone that isn't in your family a lesser being? No, you just don't know them. They are simply less integrated into the various aspects of their dad and step mum's life, and that's probably going to include her family when they simply aren't around much.

I wouldn’t include my DSD in any family pictures taken for my parents. Seems sensible to not include them considering they don’t have that kind of relationship which is absolutely fine.

If stepchildren aren't treated the same as bloodline children by your parents then it's probably best not to include them.

However I can see why this would make your dh uncomfortable.

Why not go with just you and your child, maybe with the grandparents as well? So no dh either. Then it becomes just your parents, their direct child and their direct grandchild and no one more,

Does the photo shoot include multiple different shots? If so, you could have different combinations done with different family groups so they are included in the photo shoot. Then you give your parents the one includes the children they have a grandparent relationship with and buy a blended family shot for yourself.

How will you deal with the potential for obviously different levels of gifts? Or even just on a random visit? Is it going to be obvious that they’re not viewed in the same way as their younger sibling?

I just don't see this being a big issue. Given their ages especially.

We don't visit my parents at Christmas anyway but they do pop into us. Last Christmas they did bring more presents for our child and some smaller token gifts for SC. No one was hurt as far as I'm aware. Same with being treated differently, I don't see this as a problem. If my parents wanted to take our child out somewhere for a nice day out or wanted to buy them more stuff for Christmas and birthdays im not going to stop that. I don't see why our DC should have their relationship with their grandparents held back because SC don't receive exactly the same. They receive a lot from their maternal grandparents so it evens out in my opinion and I don't feel my parents are obliged to have any relationship they don't feel with SC.

The issue is going to be putting this across to DH I really have no idea why he assumed they'd be included. He knows my parents aren't close with them.

It's only the children in the picture anyway so no DH.

People keep saying this, but I'm struggling to see why. There was never any mention of a desire for them to have a picture for their own house, it would make zero difference to the fact they aren't in the grandparents one. If they did ever see it, why would having one with them included in dad's house make any difference to how they felt about it? It just feels like an attempt to complicate things for no real reason.

I don't think anyone is unreasonable here, but if it was me, I'd think about whether your parents would like the photo less if it had stepchildren in it. If they would likely be just as happy with the surprise either way, then I'd ask the stepkids if they wanted to join in with the surprise for your parents or not. Probably, since they don't think of them as grandparents, they'd say no and your DH would be appeased, but it wouldn't be a disaster if they said yes. If they did say yes, you could tell your parents they'd actively wanted to be included, and that might be quite nice, even if they aren't as close.

This.

People really over complicate this stuff. Kids are perfectly able to realise that is my siblings grandparent but not mine and not feel hurt. It’s only when the adults push them to see/accept the person as an aunt/uncle/grandparent etc and then they are not treated as such that complications arise.
With my children it was my dss (lived with us full time) who had maternal grandparents and extended family who spoiled him, took him lots of places, bought him lots of things. Ours were never included. They very easily accepted that’s because that wasn’t their grandparents- and they didn’t have other extra ones to compensate either. I assure you they haven’t been scarred.
Now had they thought/been told that was all of their grandparents and my children had to treat them as such then no doubt there would have been resentment if they weren’t treated the same.

Do not include them in the photo, they are not grandchildren and your parents are not grandparents to them. Just don’t take them to watch the photo being taken and I don’t see why it will ever be an issue. As long as your parents are kind and friendly, and the same in reverse, then it will all be ok. You’re oh can’t decide that they should be included, that’s not his place.

I think it goes without saying that most people would like a "family photo", billed and presented as such, less of it had someone that wasn't family in it, even if they liked that person.

@aSofaNearYou not necessarily - my parents wouldn't mind either way, and DP's parents would probably ask why stepchildren weren't in it. And people with complicated families can often have more than one definition of what 'family' means. Actually, come to think of it, my DM was recently shocked to hear that DP's half-brother hadn't invited his late father's ex-wife (DP's mother, no relation to half-brother) to his wedding because she was 'part of the family'. So I think she'd actually prefer any stepkids to be in the photo too, even if she didn't see them often.

@Mumof4plusbonus did your family treat DSS as part of the family?

And the maternal grandparents of DSS aren't 'step' grandparents to your DC

Yes but this is essentially rephrasing the question "do they see them as family". If it's already established that they don't, then it's obvious they're going to prefer a staged photo deliberately designed to feature all of their grandkids together, not to have other people in it that aren't.

I can see both sides and it is tricky. Someone I used to know did this with a family photoshoot, had a picture of mum with her kids, mum with all the kids and grandkids, including step grandkids, one of mum with all the girls (daughters and granddaughters) one of mum with her mum and all the kids. You get the picture, lots of combinations. They had an album of all the photos which was lovely and the the grandmother picked the photo she wanted to have blown up for on the wall.

I thought it was nice as everyone included, no one feeling left out, lots of options but ultimately the person who was going to receive the gift got some choice.

It's hardly complicated to understand.

Most people like family photographs.

it doesn't make a difference to them not being in the photo they will very rarely see but it will make a difference to a feeling of general inclusion as they had the "fun" bit of the photo shoot and there's a photo of their blended family at the end of it. It's a compromise.

Can't you do one with all the grandchildren that is blown up for the wall and another smaller framed one to go on the window sill of your LO with their siblings so everyone wins. I think it would be nice for your LO to see a photo of them and their siblings at their grandparents house as they grow up as to them they will just be siblings 🤷🏻‍♀️

I would either (a) avoid the photograph completely because it would make DH unhappy or (2) just suggest siblings and children and no partners.

I think it’s a bit mean to want DH in the photo but not his children tbh.

All family dynamics are different, and in this case, as a present for your parents, I think it's fine.
However, I wouldn't think it was fine if the step children were present when the photo was given to your parents and a big fuss made about how lovely it is.

Oh sorry I’ve realised it’s just grandchildren. Gawd I’d say no. It’s too messy.