Family photo

[Cheesus1]

Its my parents wedding anniversary coming up and me and my siblings are arranging a photoshoot of all the grandchildren for a nice picture of them all together as part of a gift. My mum has said in the past she'd love something like this to hang on the wall at their house. Question is, as is probably obvious now, does it need to include my stepchildren do you think? I think no, DH seems to have assumed they will be though. Why he has assumed this I really have no idea as their relationship with my parents is not that of grandparent and grandchildren, they get on well with my mum although she doesnt think of them as grandchildren (they dont think of her as gran either) but that's really the extent of their relationship with my family. They don't know my siblings that well nor my dad, they have rarely if at all met any of my nieces or nephews. I guess in my head it would just be odd to include them in a picture for my parents when they really aren't part of the 'grandchild' group and feel like I'd just be adding them for ease of hurting DHs feelings when it's not about him or them, it's about something for my parents. If it helps, they are rarely at my parents home so unlikely to see the picture often.

@BCSurvivor that's a good point will the step kids be invited to the occasion where the present will be given?

How often do the step kids stay with dad?

@aSofaNearYou well, fair enough, but for me it's not quite a rephrasing, but rather an acknowlegment that 'family' can mean lots of different things even to the same person. In my example, my DM doesn't think that the ex-wife and widow and their children need to have a close, loving relationship, but she does think they should unite for public occasions. She would see both of these things as entirely appropriate. I can also see in DP's stepfamily that often a willingness to show allegiance to the family is appreciated even where the individual members don't have close relationships.

I think it depends on the dynamic of the family. We had grandchildren pics done for my FIL 75th birthday and DS1 was included, but he's very much one of the grandchildren and he called FIL Grandad, so it would have been weirder if he wasn't there!

DS lives with us though, so we always visited with him and he was always here when FIL came. I do wonder if the relationship would have been different if DS lived mainly elsewhere.

Is that not because children generally live with their mum after separation, so not treating them like a member of the family, when they live in the family home is probably seen as more unacceptable than not regarding a child as part of the family who isn't seen as often? If that makes sense?

My grandma wanted a photo of her children grandkids and great grandkids for her bday. My stepkids (who were grown up) were not in it. They never spent any time with her much and didn’t call her grandma. It would be weird for them to be in it. She was around at family gatherings that they were at, and she was always kind to them but they didn’t make an effort to spend time with her. She isn’t very mobile, extremely frail and is almost deaf so it’s not a case of her making more effort with them.

Very sad another 2 young children not properly included in all family. This wouldn't happend in ours there all loved the same no matter who!

it doesn't make a difference to them not being in the photo they will very rarely see but it will make a difference to a feeling of general inclusion as they had the "fun" bit of the photo shoot and there's a photo of their blended family at the end of it. It's a compromise.

My view is perhaps informed by the fact that we did this for my MIL, and none of the cousins could have given less of a toss about the experience. It wasn't fun for them really, it was just being made to sit still and pose when they wanted to run around being hyper. It was not the sort of thing they would be envious of.

I don't think it's sad. I'm a stepchild and didn't have a grandchild/grandparent relationship with either of my stepparents' parents.

I had my own grandparents and didn't feel left out at all.

Everyone wins except the grandparents, who this is supposed to be about. They have to have a picture they probably don't like that much and feel awkward about blown up on their wall.

Yes they did but there weren’t really active grandparents on my side (mum died, dad not active).
They weren’t my children’s step grandparents but small kids especially don’t understand the difference. My dss lived with us full time from a young age so it was our home they were coming into, taking and returning him to, where the gifts came/were delivered to etc. They were very active grandparents (his mum wasn’t) so my children saw them on a regular basis but they knew they weren’t their grandparents, just their brother’s grandparents.

I think taking them to the photo shoot and then buying a different photo with them not in it is the worst of all worlds.

Imagine if step mum or step grandmother posted on here really upset because her step children loved her less than they did their actual mum and granny. They would rightly be berates for trying to force family attachment on the children and told to back off.

I think it's actually quite creepy for adults to try and force family relationships on kids because they have decided that this is how step families should work. Relationships develop naturally. Trying to force a family relationship where there isn't one benefits noone.

@NewNameNigel are you saying no-one should blend families because surely as does a couple live together who have children from a previous relationship are forcing their children to have family relationship

I agree. They'd be far more likely to notice than if it was something they had no knowledge of.

If I was to give my (late) parents a pic of the grandkids it would be their bold relatives, but my stepsons were 12 and 14 when I got married and my parents lived abroad much of the year so only saw them on rare occasions.
But if they don't have a grandparent relationship with your stepkids then no I also wouldn't include them. If a bigger pic of all their children, partners and grandkids I would.

I'm not saying that at all @toomuchlaundry

I don't understand why you think I did.

Everybody over thinks shit like this 😂 I have 2 DC, and 2 SC. I can hand on heart say they'd pay zero attention to whether someone was in a photo or not and would not feel excluded from being in a photo for someone they don't really have that much of a relationship.

Why not have both types of photos done (one your family or origin only and one with everyone, incl stepchildren.). Your parents will have a copy of both but can choose whether or not the ones with your stepchildren are displayed prominently (or at all) in their own home.

You can have both in your own home to display how you wish. I can't see that your husband would have a problem with that? 🌹

I suppose every family is different. If someone did a photo of GC for my husband he'd be very puzzled if his step children's (my children) children were left out.

I suppose that's the point, my husband has a very close relationship with his step GC so for him it would be upsetting if they were left out. To him they are all his GC as much as they are mine.

@NewNameNigel because you say you shouldn’t force a family relationship on a child but if you blend a family that is exactly what you are doing if the child has to at any time share their home with another adult ie their step parent

No it isn't. It would be if you tried to force the step child and step parent to love each other in the same way a parent and their child would though.

But having to share your home with someone is forcing a relationship on them, you can’t totally ignore a step parent or step siblings if they are in your home or you have to go and stay with them

That's pushing it to extremes.
Either live them like your own or completely ignore them, no vast middle ground to occupy, it's got to be one or the other of those two extremes.
I consider my DSD to be family. I don't consider her to be my child though, just as she doesn't consider me to be her mother. We are what we are and we rub along fine.
No need for all the angst.

*love