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Original poster

Holiday Costs - aibu?

102 replies

noglow · 23/07/2023 10:19

Relevant info:
DH has 2 kids from previous relationship - teens
We have 1 shared DC
I am higher earner (is that relevant? Not sure it is really).
Attraction entry fees are not minor - it will cost us about £40-60 and we might do more than one in a day.

We are off on holiday - horray!

I've paid for half the room costs (2).

DH is saying we should just get family tickets to attractions and split all the food and attraction costs 50/50.

I'm saying no hang on. We should be splitting it so I'm paying for me and half of shared DC and he's paying for him and 2.5 kids.

Aibu?

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rookiemere · 23/07/2023 11:23

Oh sorry I read it wrong, you split equally when at home.

Shinyandnew1 · 23/07/2023 11:37

How about you and joint child duck out of the activities that are for the teens benefit? As you've said the joint DC won't get much out of it.

This. I wouldn’t be wanting to pay high entry fees to stuff that you wouldn’t take your younger joint child to. We often holidayed with family who had older kids when we had young ones and we didn’t always go to every day out together. I would be taking the small one to soft play/the park/the beach and he can take/pay for him and the bigger ones as he wishes.

I wouldn’t book hotel rooms either. If you were going just you/Dh and your child, you’d only need one room shared, so expecting you to pay for a room you wouldn’t otherwise need is unreasonable. I’d go self catering!

30% is fair though.

What happened on days out/holidays with regards to finances when you’d go out with him and his kids before you had a baby?

Original poster
noglow · 23/07/2023 11:40

Shinyandnew1 · 23/07/2023 11:37

How about you and joint child duck out of the activities that are for the teens benefit? As you've said the joint DC won't get much out of it.

This. I wouldn’t be wanting to pay high entry fees to stuff that you wouldn’t take your younger joint child to. We often holidayed with family who had older kids when we had young ones and we didn’t always go to every day out together. I would be taking the small one to soft play/the park/the beach and he can take/pay for him and the bigger ones as he wishes.

I wouldn’t book hotel rooms either. If you were going just you/Dh and your child, you’d only need one room shared, so expecting you to pay for a room you wouldn’t otherwise need is unreasonable. I’d go self catering!

30% is fair though.

What happened on days out/holidays with regards to finances when you’d go out with him and his kids before you had a baby?

I just paid for me.

OP posts:
Original poster
noglow · 23/07/2023 11:41

ConnieTucker · 23/07/2023 11:13

My next concern would be, whose name is the credit card in? He could just not contribute anyway if it is yours.

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Nah he's good for it. He's not like that. Once we've agreed something he sticks to it.

OP posts:
Shinyandnew1 · 23/07/2023 11:43

noglow · 23/07/2023 11:40

I just paid for me.

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That would be my opening point then.

DH, when we used to go out on a day out that cost £60 for you and the kids, I would spend £10. Now, you want me to pay £35, when toddler only costs £10 between us…that’s clearly not fair.

rookiemere · 23/07/2023 11:43

Could he afford this holiday with his teens if you weren't coming?

Namechange828492 · 23/07/2023 11:45

He doesn't sound that great so I wouldn't have tied myself in legally to him but on hol I would just take your DC to the park or lunch. Small DC are often tricky to manage at places like theme parks where there's a lot of queuing etc and more faff than it's worth.

Who pays for your DC nursery costs out of interest? Would be surprised if it's not 100% you

MintJulia · 23/07/2023 11:48

So he have two teens who will want adult size meals and 'senior' rides and you have one little one.

I'd split everything 40:60. You pay for you and your shared little one. He pays for himself and his two teens.

He's getting a good deal because he should be sharing the cost of your little one. But you earn more so you can cover a little extra.

Him expecting you to pay 50:50 is taking advantage.

Original poster
noglow · 23/07/2023 11:56

Shinyandnew1 · 23/07/2023 11:43

That would be my opening point then.

DH, when we used to go out on a day out that cost £60 for you and the kids, I would spend £10. Now, you want me to pay £35, when toddler only costs £10 between us…that’s clearly not fair.

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Yeah I'm sure once I sit down and explain it he'll see he's getting a decent "deal" with me paying half their room already

OP posts:
Original poster
noglow · 23/07/2023 11:57

rookiemere · 23/07/2023 11:43

Could he afford this holiday with his teens if you weren't coming?

Yes. And even if he took the LO too.

OP posts:
Original poster
noglow · 23/07/2023 11:58

MintJulia · 23/07/2023 11:48

So he have two teens who will want adult size meals and 'senior' rides and you have one little one.

I'd split everything 40:60. You pay for you and your shared little one. He pays for himself and his two teens.

He's getting a good deal because he should be sharing the cost of your little one. But you earn more so you can cover a little extra.

Him expecting you to pay 50:50 is taking advantage.

Yeah see that annoys me though. Why should I be paying sole costs for the little one. 30/70 sits better with me.

OP posts:
giggly · 23/07/2023 12:14

midgetastic · 23/07/2023 10:31

I ask because if you marry someone you become their children's step parent and as such you should parent those children and that includes making them part of your family and treating them the same as any other children

Absolutely this, I really don’t understand any other way of raising children. You sound petty.

gogomoto · 23/07/2023 12:39

I'd whack everything on the credit card and split 40/60 at the end, technically you are paying a higher percentage than him based on parentage but you are a family unit and you say you earn more (how much more is a factor too!)

Generally here I pay for my dc and dp pays for his for bigger things eg hotel rooms but he is substantially higher earner so often will buy dinner and I'll buy a round of drinks at the pub afterwards (dd will also buy a round, the others have no money!) We try not to think of his and hers money and splits because we are a family (we have his and my dd full time)

gogomoto · 23/07/2023 12:40

By the way - why don't people discuss this before booking their holidays???

PrimalLass · 23/07/2023 12:42

I don't get this 'your money my money' thing in any LTR never mind a marriage.

Original poster
noglow · 23/07/2023 13:21

giggly · 23/07/2023 12:14

Absolutely this, I really don’t understand any other way of raising children. You sound petty.

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Ok. They aren't my children though so anything I do pay is a bonus for him

OP posts:
Original poster
noglow · 23/07/2023 13:22

gogomoto · 23/07/2023 12:39

I'd whack everything on the credit card and split 40/60 at the end, technically you are paying a higher percentage than him based on parentage but you are a family unit and you say you earn more (how much more is a factor too!)

Generally here I pay for my dc and dp pays for his for bigger things eg hotel rooms but he is substantially higher earner so often will buy dinner and I'll buy a round of drinks at the pub afterwards (dd will also buy a round, the others have no money!) We try not to think of his and hers money and splits because we are a family (we have his and my dd full time)

Yeah that's a bit different to our set up though. We don't have the dsc full time

OP posts:
dickiedavisthunderthighs · 23/07/2023 13:30

I'm married with two DS's. We pay our salaries into a joint account and then give ourselves equal monthly spends. Everything for the kids comes out of the joint account, including CM. Your set up seems really weird for a married couple.

dickiedavisthunderthighs · 23/07/2023 13:30

dickiedavisthunderthighs · 23/07/2023 13:30

I'm married with two DS's. We pay our salaries into a joint account and then give ourselves equal monthly spends. Everything for the kids comes out of the joint account, including CM. Your set up seems really weird for a married couple.

Sorry that should have said two DSS's

Original poster
noglow · 23/07/2023 13:37

dickiedavisthunderthighs · 23/07/2023 13:30

I'm married with two DS's. We pay our salaries into a joint account and then give ourselves equal monthly spends. Everything for the kids comes out of the joint account, including CM. Your set up seems really weird for a married couple.

I didn't ask for judgement on our overall finances. It's what works for us. Your set up seems weird to me if we're playing that game.

OP posts:
Original poster
noglow · 23/07/2023 13:38

dickiedavisthunderthighs · 23/07/2023 13:30

Sorry that should have said two DSS's

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Hell would freeze before a penny of my salary goes to his ex wife

OP posts:
Original poster
noglow · 23/07/2023 13:44

Also I only mentioned I wa the higher earner so people didn't assume I was being subsidised by him. We both earn well. He's not short of cash.

OP posts:
whiteroseredrose · 23/07/2023 13:51

A 70:30 split is fairest. He pays for himself, 100% of his own DC and 50% of your shared DC. You pay for yourself and 50% of your shared DC.

You are covering larger teenage meals and more expensive costs generally but I'm sure you could deal with that.

caringcarer · 23/07/2023 14:38

If you are already paying half towards accommodation it is fair if you pay 30 percent for you and 1/2 cost for shared DC and he pays 70 percent for himself his 2 DC and 1/2 shared DC for food. I'd be looking carefully at excursions and days out and making sure you choose something for your shared DC. I'd suggest his DC choose one day out each so each child is catered for fairly. If his DC wants something your shared DC would not enjoy I'd just ask him to drop us off somewhere else, take his DC off alone, then collect us on the way back. He should be paying for tickets for his kids activities and half towards tickets for your shared DC ticket. Don't get sucked into paying for tickets for expensive activities for his kids you and little one don't want to do. Did his children's Mum not send her DC off with spending money. When my exh took DD and youngest DS on holiday I sent them with spending money so they could go to places. Our eldest DS refused to go with him so I took him out for days out. He was given the same amount of money I had sent our other 2 DC off with.

rookiemere · 23/07/2023 15:12

@caringcarer you sound like a lovely DM, but I'd absolutely not see it as the responsibility of the DM to provide spends on a holiday with their DF.