Holiday Costs - aibu?

[noglow]

Relevant info:
DH has 2 kids from previous relationship - teens
We have 1 shared DC
I am higher earner (is that relevant? Not sure it is really).
Attraction entry fees are not minor - it will cost us about £40-60 and we might do more than one in a day.

We are off on holiday - horray!

I've paid for half the room costs (2).

DH is saying we should just get family tickets to attractions and split all the food and attraction costs 50/50.

I'm saying no hang on. We should be splitting it so I'm paying for me and half of shared DC and he's paying for him and 2.5 kids.

Aibu?

30/70 sounds fab OP.

I'm going against the tide here, but isn't a family holiday just an even split?
Working out percentages for your 3 shared kids is mental
So in my opinion, yes you are BU
Put the calculator down and enjoy family time ffs

Right let's be clear here. I'm not talking about everytime we go in we split it there and then. I'm saying let's put it all on one card and then split it all at the end once we're done. Just ONE calculation. ONE SUM. About 2 minutes if that.

Do people really get this stressed out about maths?

@noglow CM is for the children.

Yes? And? DH is perfectly capable of paying the maintenance to his ex so she can spend it as she sees fit. I don't need to get involved. It's not based on my income for a reason.

It 'should' be 30% if you're earning the same, as then you're paying you and half your shared child.

But if you're a high earner you should also be paying in proportion of your incomes. Do you do that?

I don't think that's completely as relevant when one person has 2.5 kids to finance and the other just 0.5.

Well an absolutely fair holiday split would be DH 20%, OP 20%, DSC 20% each ( as in own room and eating adult sized portions), shared DC 10% ( in DPs rooms and children's meals only). OPs fair split would be 25% as her own share plus half their shared DC. Therefore 30% already has her paying a bit more, in fact all of their shared DCs costs.

At the moment we pay 50/50 Into shared account and he pays maintenance out of "his" pot

For me that makes it even more relevant as he has more outgoings. Normally it's fair to have similar left over. I think expecting him to pay the same input as you and then cover the kids is unfair if you're a high earner

I would say if you're married then you should pay your share of the costs. If your the higher earner then percentage wise more even. It shouldn't matter whose the kids are. You're all one family now surely?

I don't think there is one right way of doing this - you just have to find a compromise that works for you both.

I would never expect my husband to finance anything related to my child (from a previous marriage). He buys her stuff or pays for a meal or day out or whatever for her occasionally but that's as a gift - I would never expect it. So on our upcoming holiday, tho we won't work it out totally strictly, the idea is that I will pay roughly two thirds, if not more. I earn more than him at the moment, so to expect him to pay more than his share would seem pretty awful to be honest.

However, in a previous relationship I did contribute financially towards my step children in terms of holidays etc. Although their dad was pretty rich, I chose to do that because I felt their father was ungenerous towards them to be honest, and I was close to them (still am close to some of them).

My dd's dad (this is a different past relationship of mine, not the father of my former step kids) is now with a woman who has several children (not his) and according to dd he pretty much pays for all the group holidays etc. He is very well off compared to her so that doesn't surprise me - he is probably happy to do it in order for them all to enjoy the kind of holiday he likes. (don't get me wrong - I'm not saying he does it selfishly - he is generous).

None of these situations is wrong or right. They are just what worked at the time. Nobody can tell you what you should do here. It totally depends on the dynamics of your relationship.

One suggestion I would make is, do you need/want to do all the activities together as a five? Or would it make sense (both financial and emotional) for your husband to have a couple of afternoons, say, where he does activities that interest his kids, but not so much your joint kid, with just them? Nice for them to have quality time with their dad, and it saves money. I will certainly have a day or two on holiday that I spend just with my daughter - for example we love the fairs and arcades, and my husband isn't bothered at all, so why drag him round/waste money on his entrance fee?

OP didn't say she was a high earner. She has also made different choices to her DH. He has 2 other children that again, she had no involvement with the planning and conceiving of. The fact that he chose to have those children then a third means naturally, he will have less money than OP. OP does not and should not subsidise her DH due to choices HE made before she met him. I believe OP puts away for their joint child with her own money. I cannot believe I have to write that down. Women are not there to subsidise men who choose to have multiple children. She needs to take care of her own.

It was his choice to have 3 kids. I am the higher earner at the moment. Sometimes he has been the higher earner. I am not a high earner. I simply put that info in as I know sometimes one partner is subsidised by the other's wages

@pillsthrillsandbellyache You get it thank you. Even if I were a high earner I still don't think I should be a bank dishing out money for his kids. They have their parents I am just a bonus.

I think that is a lovely way to look at it @noglow . I think maintaining some financial independence, even in marriage is so important for women. A women who maintains her boundaries in the crazy world of stepparenting will fair far better than a women who allows her life to be dictated to by choices her partner has made previous to meeting her. Less resentment down the line for a start. Your step children have 2 parents looking out for them, exactly the same as your child. Nice and simple. I hope you all have a fabulous holiday.

30% is fine… great in fact for him!

and of course he should pay his CM from his pot haha

I think 30% is fine. Teenagers are a lot more expensive than a younger child and if they’re wanting to do more expensive activities that aren’t suitable for your LO, it’s not on you to pay for that. Being a step parent doesn’t mean you automatically have to take on the financial burden of someone else’s children, especially when they don’t live with you full time.

My DP has three kids - two late teens, one adult. They are expensive and have expensive tastes. My DP has said from the start that he doesn’t expect me to contribute to them financially as they’re his children. I’ll chip in on odd occasions, but when we’ve been away all together, he would take on their costs. Especially activities that I wasn’t involved in. Everything else financially in the relationship has been 50/50.

YANBU OP - being the higher earner wouldn't change my perspective on not bankrolling my DPs DC, I'd rather invest my money in my children and myself. He's picking activities for his older kids, there's more of them, they will likely cost twice as much on the day out. He's getting a good deal and would be totally taking the piss expecting half.

I find the people who call others petty for wanting to cover their fair share are the same people who order a steak and multiple cocktails then insist on splitting the bill with the person who had the salad and tap water.

Stick to your guns OP.

5 people. Regardless of ages. You're accountable for you and half of the younger child (1.5), your husband is accountable for half of the younger child, his own kids and himself (3.5). 1.5 as a percentage is 30%. If the holiday is £1500, pay £450.

I married my DH on Saturday. He earns significantly more than me. I can't imagine having a discussion over this. We have four children between us. A fair % of our salaries go into a shared account which we spend on bills and children.

I think if you don't share finances and don't usually split costs then its absolutely fair that you pay for yourself and go halves for your shared child and he pay for his other two on top.

Congratulations! I can't imagine not talking to my DH about this tbh. Maybe because your DH earns significantly more you say so he is covering you whereas if it were the other way around you might think hmm...

You and @HeckyPeck Get it.