He doesn't love her

[34and3]

I have a dd 13 from previous relationship. I've been with my now husband 11.5 years. Together we have a 9yo and 1yo. In the past 18 months ish their relationship has completely broken down. They regularly argue. It's toxic. When I asked him if he loved her he said he doesn't know. He said he won't cook for her anymore or take her to school (but he'll take the other dd), she'll need to sort herself out he says. We have a holiday booked for a few weeks time and he said he doesn't think he wants her to go because he deserves a holiday to relax and she won't make it enjoyable. Obviously if she doesn't go, nor do I.

I feel desperately sad. She's my little girl. Yea she can be a pain in the arse; she's 13. But she's fun and kind and clever. He doesn't see it.

He idolises the other two and she sees how different she is. Her bio dad hasn't so much as sent her a card since she was 2. No money either. She has a wonderful grandad who dotes on her and is a brilliant male role model for her but he's 79 and not well.

I feel like I'm being made to choose between the two of them. Naturally I have immense loyalty to my dd over my dh but I also have two other children who need their mummy.

Please help. I feel broken by it all.

This horrible man is scapegoating your daughter. This will have a negative impact on her mental health and also on that of the siblings who are forced to witness it.

Get this nasty man out of your child’s life.

He can idolise his other children when he gets to have contact with them, but you can’t force your daughter to live with someone who thinks like that about her and still hope to have her respect when she’s an adult. She needs you to protect her.

When I met my now DH, I told him my DD would ALWAYS come first. Before him and before any children we might have. We now have a DS who I adore but I still stand by that. My DD only has me in her corner - no involvement from her bio dad - whilst DS has DH and his entire family. Obviously both DC have my family too but that's not the point.

DH knew the deal when we got together and he was wonderful when she went through the horror teen years. He didn't always "get" it - he's a very practical man who doesn't do hysterical emotions - but he always supported her and me. Though he did once remove her bedroom door from its hinges after one too many door slams 🙈.

OP this man isn't a good one. He's a selfish, mean, immature tosser. Your DD deserves better and you must be in her corner. You and your other DC also deserve better than this shit excuse for a dad. It broke my heart to read about her buying him the chocolates for Father's Day and him not saying thank you. Your poor, desperate to be loved, confused by teenage hormones, little girl 😥

I feel so bad for you, must be a shock to realise your in a relationship with someone so cold and pathetic. Show him these replies and ask him to have a real think about how it would feel if one day another man treated his children this way.
Does he get the one day his children will be teenagers who answer back and leave sodding crisp packets everywhere because newsflash they definitely will.
A man who would comfortably sit on a plane with you and his kids and leave a 13 year old out is no man at all.
If I were you I'd go for a walk have a cry and then I'd get angry and this so called man would then get the fuck away from me and my children.

When I met my now DH, I told him my DD would ALWAYS come first. Before him and before any children we might have. We now have a DS who I adore but I still stand by that. My DD only has me in her corner - no involvement from her bio dad - whilst DS has DH and his entire family. Obviously both DC have my family too but that's not the point.

Wow, it's very weird to say your DD comes before your other own children. How on Earth does that manifest itself?

Before him and before any children we might have. We now have a DS who I adore but I still stand by that that's awful. Your poor DS knowing he's second best

Some good advice on here.

Please protect your dd. It will affect her mental health if he is to allowed to continue treating her like this.

This is so damaging to your dd. He is emotionally abusing her.

His behaviour is isolating her from her family. He is destroying her sense of self worth and unless you get him gone, this will end very badly.

I actually feel how he is behaving is a way of gaining control over her. Has he any convictions for previous abuse? Lots of red flags here.

I’m not sure this comes across quite as well as you think it does.

If my DP treated one of my kids like that he’d be gone.

You must put your DD first, the younger two will always have a father.

Two shite men in a her life, poor girl.

I'm a stepparent and if my DH said that to me I'd be less inclined to put myself out for my DSC so it would backfire massively.

Such a weird concept sorry DS you have both parents so I'm going to focus on the one who doesn't and leave you second best with just one parent to focus on you too.

Now that is sad.

Exactly what I was wondering….

So the shared child comes second best to the first daughter?

Poor boy 😢

I'm a stepparent and if my DH said that to me I'd be less inclined to put myself out for my DSC so it would backfire massively.

I wouldn't have a child with someone who said something as batshit as this in the first place, but I agree, if I did, I would certainly be doing far less for the SC.

Well yes there is that!

It's shocking tbh

I am sorry, he is being a shit.

Teens are teens. They can be awful.

Your daughter has been through a lot.

Honestly, if he can't buck his ideas up I would be looking at divorce.

Personally, I think it all depends on a few things. Has he always been like it? And do you pander to her? Is she actually behaving awfully at the moment and you just can’t see it?

Shes a 13 year old girl so her ‘not making any effort’ is a ridiculous thing for him to say. But parenting someone else’s child when their actual parent won’t parent them is exhausting and demoralising. I don’t think she should be being left out of the holiday though, even a naughty bio child shouldn’t be treated like that.

Your poor daughter. I’d be thinking about divorce.

My mother did this and it destroyed all chances of my sister and I having a normal sibling relationship as she taught my sister that I was a threat to her. My dad had been her stepdad since she was 1 year old and loved her but mum constantly told her that dad didn't care about her. My sister and I have no adult relationship and I haven't seen my mother in 25 years. I have no idea how my dad put up with it. He told me once he'd have left but knew the courts wouldn't give him full custody and he worried for me if I was left in her sole care. I honestly hope that you don't mean what you said in your post and have exaggerated for effect.

He needs to grow up! So many childish, asinine men my god. He doesn’t have to love her but he does have to be kind and know he is the adult and she’s a child currently rolling in emotion-hormones.

I feel for DD, I had a stepdad from when I was a very young baby, too young to know he wasn’t my biological dad, I never felt loved by him, and was always treated differently to my half brother & half sister (his bio children) it’s really horrible. I left home at 18. I am surprised he is being so open about his feelings though, surely he must know how hurtful that is.

He's a punishing and cruel man. Your DD has hit a stage where she's harder to control and he's showing his true colours. It will serve to keep his DD in line as he's showing how conditional his love is. I don't see how you can stay in this relationship really. Getting some therapy for yourself and planning your move alongside the messaging to all your kids would be a great step.

You go on holiday with the children, while at home alone he can decide if he wants to put effort into the relationship with a child who is showing normal behaviour whilst growing up. Or be a every other weekend dad to "his" two.