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Step-parenting

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Original poster

He doesn't love her

124 replies

34and3 · 18/06/2023 07:25

I have a dd 13 from previous relationship. I've been with my now husband 11.5 years. Together we have a 9yo and 1yo. In the past 18 months ish their relationship has completely broken down. They regularly argue. It's toxic. When I asked him if he loved her he said he doesn't know. He said he won't cook for her anymore or take her to school (but he'll take the other dd), she'll need to sort herself out he says. We have a holiday booked for a few weeks time and he said he doesn't think he wants her to go because he deserves a holiday to relax and she won't make it enjoyable. Obviously if she doesn't go, nor do I.

I feel desperately sad. She's my little girl. Yea she can be a pain in the arse; she's 13. But she's fun and kind and clever. He doesn't see it.

He idolises the other two and she sees how different she is. Her bio dad hasn't so much as sent her a card since she was 2. No money either. She has a wonderful grandad who dotes on her and is a brilliant male role model for her but he's 79 and not well.

I feel like I'm being made to choose between the two of them. Naturally I have immense loyalty to my dd over my dh but I also have two other children who need their mummy.

Please help. I feel broken by it all.

OP posts:
aSofaNearYou · 18/06/2023 08:25

34and3 · 18/06/2023 08:24

Thank you all for validating my feelings. She wrote him a Father's Day card and bought him a box of celebrations with her pocket money and he hasn't even said thank you to her 😢

Well that's just mean.

standardduck · 18/06/2023 08:26

34and3 · 18/06/2023 08:24

Thank you all for validating my feelings. She wrote him a Father's Day card and bought him a box of celebrations with her pocket money and he hasn't even said thank you to her 😢

He is being very cruel. You need to tell him he is breaking up your family and he can't behave like this.

StopMindlesslyScrolling · 18/06/2023 08:30

You have a 1yr old and a 9yr old and your DH thinks that if he goes on holiday with them as a solo parent, he'll get a relaxing holiday 🤣🤣🤣🤣🤣🤣🤣🤣🤣🤣🤣🤣🤣🤣🤣🤣🤣🤣

Tell him to crack on and you stay home with your 13yr old for some bonding time; it sounds like she needs a bit of care and attention right now.

Not thanking her for her Father's Day gifts is just cruel.

Ilovelurchers · 18/06/2023 08:32

He is not obliged to love her, and he can't really control that. I have four adult step-children and in honesty I can only say I love one of them - the other three I just never bonded with them to that extent.....

He IS obliged to treat her decently and fairly, and he isn't doing that. Therefore (and I honestly hardly ever say this) I do think you need to give him an ultimatum. He treats your daughter with respect, or you will leave him. I know you are worried about your other kids, but it's entirely possible to co-parent successfully and effectively without being together. Indeed, sometimes that is best for the kids.

Good luck.

Littlefish · 18/06/2023 08:33

34and3 · 18/06/2023 08:24

Thank you all for validating my feelings. She wrote him a Father's Day card and bought him a box of celebrations with her pocket money and he hasn't even said thank you to her 😢

That's absolutely horrible.

Your poor daughter.

He is the adult here.

At the very, very least he needs to urgently have counselling to help him explore these feelings.

Immediately though, you need to protect your dd. It is NOT acceptable to allow him to isolate and exclude her. She is a child.

Choose her.

Protect her.

Leave him if necessary to do this.

BananaSpanner · 18/06/2023 08:33

34and3 · 18/06/2023 08:24

Thank you all for validating my feelings. She wrote him a Father's Day card and bought him a box of celebrations with her pocket money and he hasn't even said thank you to her 😢

How did that go? Did she hand him these things and he completely blanked her? What did you say then?

He needs an ultimatum at this point, either he makes an effort or it’s the end of the marriage. And mean it. That poor girl. What a bully.

Littlefish · 18/06/2023 08:33

Ilovelurchers · 18/06/2023 08:32

He is not obliged to love her, and he can't really control that. I have four adult step-children and in honesty I can only say I love one of them - the other three I just never bonded with them to that extent.....

He IS obliged to treat her decently and fairly, and he isn't doing that. Therefore (and I honestly hardly ever say this) I do think you need to give him an ultimatum. He treats your daughter with respect, or you will leave him. I know you are worried about your other kids, but it's entirely possible to co-parent successfully and effectively without being together. Indeed, sometimes that is best for the kids.

Good luck.

Agree.

MyTruthIsOut · 18/06/2023 08:33

This is so sad.

I can understand that step-parents may never feel the same about their step-children as they do their biological children BUT, he has been a father figure to your daughter since she was 1.5 years old so I can’t understand why he doesn’t love her as though he’s biologically hers? Is isn’t like she was 8 years old and he had to accept a child into his life….,your daughter had been a part of his life since she was a baby.

I’m really sorry you’re experiencing this.

It sounds like your daughter is a perfectly normal 13 year old, and I imagine when your joint children hit the same age your partner will realise that.

It’s really shitty that he’s ignored her Father’s Day card and gift - that’s just plain spite and nastiness. Your daughter shouldn’t be objected to that.

LivingDeadGirlUK · 18/06/2023 08:35

34and3 · 18/06/2023 08:24

Thank you all for validating my feelings. She wrote him a Father's Day card and bought him a box of celebrations with her pocket money and he hasn't even said thank you to her 😢

I think its time for a stern talk with HIM about his behaviour and if he can't act like an adult you need to make it clear its not good for any of the kids to live with a man who is putting them into tiers. Its going to effect the younger kids too seeimg him treat her so badly.

Darkandstormynite · 18/06/2023 08:37

Thing is OP, sounds like he's emotionally abusing her right in front of you. Trying to exclude her from a holiday, not acknowledging attempts at positive interaction (gifts), he's trying to isolate her from the group. Your DD will be picking up on all this and it will be taking its toll in her mental wellbeing.

I'd say you have a few options:

  1. Family counselling
  2. trial separation to work on your family relationships

I have to ask though, I'm guessing this isn't a new development, why did you go on to have another child with him if he was awful to your daughter?

hattyhathat · 18/06/2023 08:40

He doesn't have to love her but he does have to be civil and understanding and a positive presence in her life.

Her bio dad hasn't so much as sent her a card since she was 2. No money either. this is completely irrelevant though. He's not a replacement dad.

Sunnysunbun · 18/06/2023 08:40

OP you're in an awful situation. I would protect her at all cost. He needs to go because the damage he will do her is irreversible. He will also damage the relationship between the siblings. I'm so sorry you're dealing with such a pathetic man baby.

hattyhathat · 18/06/2023 08:40

And I agree with the PP who says this I'd emotional abuse from your partner.

TheCheeseTray · 18/06/2023 08:40

Littlefish · 18/06/2023 08:33

That's absolutely horrible.

Your poor daughter.

He is the adult here.

At the very, very least he needs to urgently have counselling to help him explore these feelings.

Immediately though, you need to protect your dd. It is NOT acceptable to allow him to isolate and exclude her. She is a child.

Choose her.

Protect her.

Leave him if necessary to do this.

Show quote history

I’d go so far as to say that is highly abusive of him. Highly.

She’s trying - how many eye rolls or side eyes has he been giving her that you haven’t seen. Or indeed just the atmosphere that she’s isn’t important and he wants her out of the house and home and family life. This would be the day I choose and I choose the kids over a jealous man child who is abusive towards a teenager.

aSofaNearYou · 18/06/2023 08:43

I can understand that step-parents may never feel the same about their step-children as they do their biological children BUT, he has been a father figure to your daughter since she was 1.5 years old so I can’t understand why he doesn’t love her as though he’s biologically hers?

The love we have for our own children is primeval, instinctive and generally stronger than the love we will feel for anybody else. It's fair enough to not understand why he wouldn't love her at all after all that time - though this surely depends what the relationship is actually like - but it's silly to not understand why he wouldn't love her like she was biologically his. It is not length of time that makes us love our own children the way we do.

Weal · 18/06/2023 08:46

Suggesting she doesn’t come on holiday…

not thanking her for her Father’s Day card and present….

He sounds horrible and vindictive. I could totally understand a step father having different feelings to a step child than his own children and can even understand strugglihn with difficult teen behaviour. He is beyond that though. He sounds like he is actively shutting her out and being unkind. It’s basic manners to say thank you for someone getting you something.

Sounds like a DH problem to me and in my opinion you HAVE to take issue with it. You said if she doesn’t go on holiday you won’t either. Actually if he suggests she doesn’t go I’d say leaving the relationship is more appropriate….you can have him trying to separate her from your family.

Original poster
34and3 · 18/06/2023 08:47

Thank you all for taking the time to reply. Tbh I just feel so sad right now I need time to just go and have a walk and a cry. I'll come back later.

OP posts:
Weal · 18/06/2023 08:48

34and3 · 18/06/2023 08:47

Thank you all for taking the time to reply. Tbh I just feel so sad right now I need time to just go and have a walk and a cry. I'll come back later.

Sounds like a good plan off. Take time and make a plan of action. Take care x

Buyyouflowers · 18/06/2023 08:50

aSofaNearYou · 18/06/2023 08:43

I can understand that step-parents may never feel the same about their step-children as they do their biological children BUT, he has been a father figure to your daughter since she was 1.5 years old so I can’t understand why he doesn’t love her as though he’s biologically hers?

The love we have for our own children is primeval, instinctive and generally stronger than the love we will feel for anybody else. It's fair enough to not understand why he wouldn't love her at all after all that time - though this surely depends what the relationship is actually like - but it's silly to not understand why he wouldn't love her like she was biologically his. It is not length of time that makes us love our own children the way we do.

I agree.

My step child has been in my life since pretty much day dot. She won’t remember a time without me there. Over 15 years.

I also have my own kids and they all share a father.

Do I love my SC like my own? No, no I don’t…. Not even close. What I feel for my kids is 10000x stronger.

Do I care about my SC? Of course I do!

But it’s just not the same and I can’t make it the same.

However I would never treat her like the OPs H has… not saying thank you to a Father's day card is terrible.

fuckip · 18/06/2023 08:52

I would honestly truly divorce him OP. Your poor daughter,

Fraaahnces · 18/06/2023 08:53

He sounds very immature… sulking after a 13y/o has bought him Father’s Day bits. It sounds like he’s blaming her for his failure to thrive as an adult and parent. That and he’s jealous of your relationship with her.

MayThe4th · 18/06/2023 08:55

I disagree with advice to detach from a child purely because they’re not yours.

You move in with someone with a two year old then that child is as equal a part of the family as you are, and you absolutely don’t get to decide at 13 that they’re the problem.

If he didn’t want a teenager he shouldn’t have moved in with someone with a two year old.

It’s different if the relationship starts when they’re teenagers, but not acceptable when they’re tiny tots. You don’t get to become the detached step parent years down the line.

personally I wouldn’t tolerate this, and I would leave. And I would do it as much for your other children as for your dd. They shouldn’t be brought up knowing that you get to treat some children differently to others. To them your dd is their sister. They have and don’t need to have the concept of half siblings at their age.

So yeah. Ltb.

GoodChat · 18/06/2023 08:57

He's being a nasty bastard by not thanking her when he's claiming she's the one who makes no effort, and you need to tell him as much.

Fandabedodgy · 18/06/2023 08:57

34and3 · 18/06/2023 08:24

Thank you all for validating my feelings. She wrote him a Father's Day card and bought him a box of celebrations with her pocket money and he hasn't even said thank you to her 😢

None of the children should be exposed to this kind of nastiness

CockyTeeHunz4Eva · 18/06/2023 08:57

Also, its kinda irrelevant if he loves her like his own or not: HE IS THE ADULT.

I agree with PPs that step parents don’t necessarily love their DSC as their own, but a grown up MUST MUST MUST give concessions to CHILDREN. She’s 13, she’s a child. To be labelling her as anything other than a hilariously self-centred teen is just so immature.

I’m so upset for your DD. To imagine excluding her from a holiday is beyond awful.