He doesn't love her

[34and3]

I have a dd 13 from previous relationship. I've been with my now husband 11.5 years. Together we have a 9yo and 1yo. In the past 18 months ish their relationship has completely broken down. They regularly argue. It's toxic. When I asked him if he loved her he said he doesn't know. He said he won't cook for her anymore or take her to school (but he'll take the other dd), she'll need to sort herself out he says. We have a holiday booked for a few weeks time and he said he doesn't think he wants her to go because he deserves a holiday to relax and she won't make it enjoyable. Obviously if she doesn't go, nor do I.

I feel desperately sad. She's my little girl. Yea she can be a pain in the arse; she's 13. But she's fun and kind and clever. He doesn't see it.

He idolises the other two and she sees how different she is. Her bio dad hasn't so much as sent her a card since she was 2. No money either. She has a wonderful grandad who dotes on her and is a brilliant male role model for her but he's 79 and not well.

I feel like I'm being made to choose between the two of them. Naturally I have immense loyalty to my dd over my dh but I also have two other children who need their mummy.

Please help. I feel broken by it all.

Felt really sad reading this, your poor daughter, I think pp’s are right your husband is the adult here and your daughter is only a child. ( who seems to have had a bit of a rough time recently)
You have to let him know this is not on it also does set a really bad example to your other children, if he won’t accept he is in the wrong and do something about it I think you need to reassess your relationship. Not thanking her for his Father’s Day gift is disgusting.
Hope it all works out for you and your poor girl

Has he said he loved her in the past?

You’ve been together a long time, you’ve chosen to have two children with him so you presumably considered him to be a good dad and doing a good job by her. If that’s the case, something pretty major has happened for him to change how he feels and what he’s prepared to do for her since then. He’s using very strong language and something’s behind that.

You can start issuing ultimatums and kick him out, or you can try and get him to talk in a calmer way about what’s changed, read some threads from parents who feel this angry about their own teens behaviour and try to find a way through.

It’s not his fault her dad isn’t around, he’s the one who stepped up. Going nuclear might appease the posters on here but it won’t make your family any happier.

Put her first not him. She will remember what you do now for the rest of her life.
I'm in my 40s my mum didn't put me first and it massively affected our relationship. She's in her 70s now and feels very very guilty.

No wonder she acts out if she can feel his resentment towards her.

Did his resentment start around the time you had your baby?

You need to tell him to sort it out and find a way to get over himself or the relationship is over.
I can’t believe you didn’t say this when he said about not inviting her on holiday.

You need to be on her side, not his or in the middle because he’s being completely unreasonable.

What was he expecting you to do with her if he banned her from the holiday?

I've been where your daughter is, with one half sibling. My mum died and I was left with a man who didn't like me, never mind love me.

As morbid as it is, if you don't leave him now, please at least make a plan for her if the worst happens to you.

Not loving her isn't the point - we can't force ourselves or others to have feelings.

Of course his own biological children have a greater visceral pull on his emotion. That's the deal with step families, and it doesn't make him a bad person.

But how we behave.

How we choose to think and what we condciously say.

How we choose to treat a child.

Entirely under the control of a grown man.

He's showing you who he is.

Who could he be? He has options and does need to develop and improve himself - is he willing to do that?

Teenagers are HARD work. There's so much going on, hormones, friendships, exams, expectations, social media. It's not easy. I say this as a parent raising 2 that on surface are quite well behaved but we've still had major issues. However I know there is light at the end of the tunnel as they grow into adulthood!!
However they will absolutely pick up on how they are treated and carry that with them. Forever. Put yourself in their shoes or your teenage years.
Some serious family situation. thinking required here but you need to be on your DD1 side. She can't lose you not sticking up for her. Your other children will pick up on it to. Reach out to friends who know you best.
Personally I would give an ultimatum and follow through. If he would show willing to resolve issues then I'd be gone. Because that's not what I expect from a partner

Together we have a 9yo and 1yo. In the past 18 months ish their relationship has completely broken down.

Sorry I’ve seen you answered my question in your OP.

Its unfortunately more common than people realise that non-biological kids can start getting pushed out after a biological child is born.

This happens a lot with men but there have been many threads on here about a step mum adoring her step children and then feels completely differently once she gets pregnant/her baby is born and she starts resenting her step kids.

It may be very possible that now he’s got 2 kids he wants the perfect little family unit but DD is ruining that as she’s not his.

Trying to keep her out of family holidays and not thanking her for the Father’s Day card sounds like he’s definitely trying to push her out.

You need to be more assertive and tell him to stop speaking like that about her and if he cannot deal with it then he needs to leave.

As a PP said I’d be going on holiday without him.

i agree that unless her behaviour is utterly extreme, this is just teenage stroppiness.

The irony is in a few years when his bio children behave like this, he’ll not like it, but won’t be so harsh. Eldest children often have this problem.

My only suggestion is to try and educate him that this is normal behaviour. Maybe he wasn’t an asshole teenager, but you could try getting him to think back, or speak to his mum about what he was like.

Better still find online articles and books that explain the developmental changes that happen to teenage brains. I believe there’s a book called something like, How to talk so teenagers listen…….

Best of luck, you are between a rock and a hard place.

You aren't being forced to choose, your daughter cannot be made to live in such a toxic environment. She brought him FD gifts and he hasn't thanked her!

Where does he propose she goes while the rest of you have a family holiday?

The way he's behaving is exactly the way step mothers are told to behave towards their DSC on here - not taking anything to do with primary care activities, doing the bare minimum to be civil or pleasant, letting bio parent take over all care of their own child... so it'll be interesting to see how this plays out.
Yes, your DD has been through a difficult time and needs support with that. She also needs support with realising that difficult times and feelings don't make it ok to hurt others or be rude to them.
Going by MN standards, your DP is under no obligation to lover her or treat her as his own. 🤷🏻‍♀️

I'm so sorry you had that experience but you're projecting here. My kids have a great relationship (and DD is now an adult) with each other and with me. I never had to act on my promise to put my DD first - I simply made it clear to my DH that I would if his behaviour made it necessary. As I said in my post, he's been great with her and has parented her at least as well as any biological parent could have.

My kids are both oblivious to my position on this - I haven't and would never say or do anything to indicate I'd put one before the other.

Luckily I don't value your opinion. Nor do I care how it "comes across".

I'm so sorry you had that experience but you're projecting here. My kids have a great relationship (and DD is now an adult) with each other and with me. I never had to act on my promise to put my DD first - I simply made it clear to my DH that I would if his behaviour made it necessary. As I said in my post, he's been great with her and has parented her at least as well as any biological parent could have.

Tbf you did not phrase that well. If you're meaning was that you made it clear if he treated your DD badly you would leave regardless of whether you had kids with him, that is very different from saying you would always put your DD before your joint child as a blanket statement.

They aren't told to insist the DSC misses the family holiday

The pro abusive dad posts are just jaw dropping! He is in residence with this child 100 percent of the time. He has been in her life since she was two! The other children came along years later! This is in no way comparable to the situations cited in which custody of children is split between multiple households or second wives are being called on to do all childcare and parenting for children who are non resident.

this DH is more like an adoptive parent and the children in the household should all be treated equally. Its obvious that he is abusing the 13 year old by excluding her, ignoring her, and singling her out as not his child. This is truly horrible behavior and if it escalates it is exactly the treatment that has resulted, recently in UK society, in the murder of several children at the hands of parental figures.

If this continues I expect this DH will end up taking the more favored “blood” children—especially the new 1 year old boy—and abandoning the thirteen year old and the OP if he can’t drive out the 13 year old.

I think generally that advice is based on a situation in which the step mother is being used by the father as free childcare while he swans off playing golf or something, and there is a bio mother looking after the kids at least 50% of the time- in that situation it's reasonable to have boundaries re what you do.

In this situation the daughter lives with OP 100% of the time, her bio dad is not on the scene, she's done nothing wrong and is even giving the guy father's days cards and gifts and he's acting like an arsehole. Suggesting they leave her at home while they all go on holiday (with whom??) is appalling. It's basically abuse and OP should be prioritising her DD over a bloke who's decided he's no longer going to interact with a child because she's behaving like a fairly ordinary teenager.

I'm so sorry because this must make you feel terrible but you need to act. This behaviour from him will be incredibly damaging for your daughter.
His actions today are mean and cruel so he's not a good man.

I see this as very different to other SP situations described on here because he's been in her life for such a long time and is a father figure for her.

To withdraw that and withdraw from her is awful and could do untold harm for her and her siblings who will feel confused and torn too.

I'm sorry but he needs to be out of the house at least temporarily whilst this is worked through.

For the sake of your own relationship with DD, definitely put her first, not him.

I have never been close with my mum’s partner, despite them being together for 20 years. They don’t have any other children, but he’s always been my mum’s partner instead of my stepdad. She always puts him first and she doesn’t realise how much it has made me distance myself from her emotionally.

Ask him what he'd going to be like when your shared kids her to teenage years and start playing up.

This. It amazes me that people even bother with the whole 'if it was a stepmum' bullshit. It's not the same at all. I can imagine he wasnt expected to be default childcare as the case is with so many stepmums. I can also imagine the female OP made it as easy for him as possible because thats what we do. This 13 year old obviously isn't 100% well to start with, add a new sibling and a prick of a step dad who won't even acknowledge that she bought him a card and present for father's day. I wouldn't be able to be in the same room as him nevermind expect my precious child to live with him. This girl will grow up and look for love in all the wrong places. Imagine knowing that your MUM tolerated this behaviour towards you. Her mental health will be shot if it isn't already. At 13 years old.

He is a truly vindictive cunt. Ugh. She’s a child, and he’s been in her life since she was 1.5yrs.

He should be totally ashamed for the way he treats her.

Please leave him.

A SM being told not to place an ex wife and piss taking husbands social and work commitments at the centre of her and her childrens lives is not the same as what this guy is doing.
Holidays without a non resident DSC while they are with their other parent are not the same as literally leaving a child at home alone while the rest of the only family unit they are a part of goes on holiday.
I'm not sure there is an equivalent example of not thanking a child who has bought you a present, as that's just rampant knobbery.
Etc etc. Totally pointless trying to compare a full time resident SP with no outside influence of the other parent with an EOW or 50-50 set up with the other parent very much involved or even calling the shots.

What an awful excuse for a man. Poor kid.