He doesn't love her

[34and3]

I have a dd 13 from previous relationship. I've been with my now husband 11.5 years. Together we have a 9yo and 1yo. In the past 18 months ish their relationship has completely broken down. They regularly argue. It's toxic. When I asked him if he loved her he said he doesn't know. He said he won't cook for her anymore or take her to school (but he'll take the other dd), she'll need to sort herself out he says. We have a holiday booked for a few weeks time and he said he doesn't think he wants her to go because he deserves a holiday to relax and she won't make it enjoyable. Obviously if she doesn't go, nor do I.

I feel desperately sad. She's my little girl. Yea she can be a pain in the arse; she's 13. But she's fun and kind and clever. He doesn't see it.

He idolises the other two and she sees how different she is. Her bio dad hasn't so much as sent her a card since she was 2. No money either. She has a wonderful grandad who dotes on her and is a brilliant male role model for her but he's 79 and not well.

I feel like I'm being made to choose between the two of them. Naturally I have immense loyalty to my dd over my dh but I also have two other children who need their mummy.

Please help. I feel broken by it all.

How did he cope when she was on PICU? Just wondering if he does love her and it's really upset him seeing her so sick. And this is a reaction to that.

But somehow this is different

Correct.

Can you really not see why?

If not, I find that jaw-dropping.

You shouldn't have to choose but he's forcing you do and DD1 should always be your choice.

You can see that, can't you?

It is absolutely possible for non biological parents to love dc as their own even if they have other biological dc too.
It is not uncommon for men to struggle to deal with teen girl behaviour even if they are their biological dc. Obviously it’s not all men but lots do struggle with the up and down emotions and are practically minded so can’t understand why dds behave this way. They do tend to find dds harder than ds and I believe this is because they have no way of comparing it to themselves at that age so lack an understanding.
Many many parents in all sorts of families struggle to parent teens and need support. Lots have unrealistic expectations or views of what teens are like.

Op I’d firstly sit down with dh and have a frank conversation where you lay out where your boundaries lie for your dd. What the issue is and what he needs to do to fix it. Parenting teen courses are a must. You can both research them after the conversation. You need to be clear what is at stake here. He needs to know that her behaviour is normal and the teen courses will help with this.

I doubt he would honestly leave dd at home and go on holiday, he’s just making threats as he has lost control of how to deal with teen dds behaviour and his expectations of her are off. I’m not saying it’s ok or right but I’d be pretty shocked if he actually means it. I think you would have seen problems before now if he was like that.

Of course if he won’t engage or acknowledge then you have to make a decision based on that. It’s easy for people to say leave but in the real world people just don’t do that for all sorts of reasons.

That business about giving him a card and buying chocolates with her pocket money and him not even saying thank you might be one of the saddest things I've ever read on MN.

Honestly OP, gear yourself up for getting the blame over all of this but you cannot possibly go on like this.

You need a come to Jesus conversation with your DH, and if he doesn't make appropriate change, I really can't see how your marriage can continue unless you plan to sacrifice your little girl on the altar of his cunty behaviour.

There's a lot of people on here calling him 'abusive'.

Is there anything more to your DD's behaviour than being a lackadaisical and gobby teen (aren't they all)? I ask this because there is sometimes another side to the story.

Is your daughter coming to you with 'tales' and are you always taking her side? I might be projecting here but I have seen this inside my own blended family, and it's not always as straightforward as always taking your bio DC's side, I have literally seen two of our kids (DS and DSD) make things up.

I think it might be worth questioning whether your DD's behaviour does fall into 'regular teen' or not.

If it does, then your DH needs a serious talking to and some education about teens. I recommend the book 'Get out of my life, but first take me and Alex into town'.

What's their relationship been like previously? He's clearly been in her life for most of her life. Have you ever had this sense before?

I feel like I was this kid. It hurts and I left home as soon as possible to get away from the man. She’ll feel like the “bad one” in the family and if she’s like me, will go into every social situation carrying that feeling with her.

Honestly, fuck him. A grown man having such a problem with a 13 year old girl is ridiculous at best.

Exactly this ⬆️

She is a child and even if she's being a pain in the arse she doesn't deserve to be excluded from the family. Yes She needs boundaries and discipline but she needs to feel that she's just as important as everyone else and a valued part of the family.
I was labelled as the nightmare teen, I wasn't though ! I was just desperate for my mum to put me first. I moved out as soon as I could.

Your DD buying him a card and chocs and he didnt even thank her is heartbreaking.
My 13 yo SD lives with us now. Because her mum's boyfriend picked on her, they claimed she was a liar. Her mum never had her back and told her to her face she backed her boyfriend over SD.
SD is just a normal teen. She has issues and is a frustrating gobshite but she's just a kid, SD wasn't lying, just trying to express herself.
So now she lives full time with myself and my DH/her dad. She so desperately wants her mum to acknowledge she matters, for her mum to have her back and stop boyfriend picking on her.
But thats not happening. So she wants nothing to do with her mum, has cut her off and we've got her in counselling to try and undo the damage.

Don't let this be you OP, that poor child (and she is still just a kid who needs you very much right now) only has you and this dreadful man.
I hope you've spoken to him. I don't think I could love anyone who treated my child like this.

mumsneh and the you sound lovely statements.

How the hell have you concluded she sounds lovely from what’s she’s written? Lol

Did you tackle him about that? As pp said that's just really mean, he complains she makes no effort but she just did! What a nob.

She is your daughter…end of

This.

He is emotionally abusing your child.

How have you allowed this?

That poor poor child.

I do not understand this constant need on MN to have more and more children when an older child is clearly being failed.

It's heartbreaking.

God knows how or where she will end up in her life because of the way you have allowed this nasty prick to treat her.

@34and3 I've been thinking of you, how are things now.

The part that rings alarm bells is the Father's Day card and the fact that he didn't say thank you? Can you elaborate more on this? I feel like there is something missing? I can't imagine anyone being that cruel.
On another note 13 is a very unlovable age, even bio parents struggle with their kids. Don't expect him to love your DD, you will be disappointed. You love your daughter, I'm sure her half siblings love her too. That's all you can expect

On another note 13 is a very unlovable age, even bio parents struggle with their kids. Don't expect him to love your DD, you will be disappointed. You love your daughter, I'm sure her half siblings love her too. That's all you can expect

I was going to say the same. I have teenagers of my own and feck me sideways, I struggle to dig deep and find the love some days. I also have SC (younger) and I can't say I'd be able to find the same love and tolerance for moody, ungrateful teenagers as I do for my own. I think that's normal.

That said, he's the adult here and he's not behaving very well currently, however I can't help but think there's another side to this for it to escalate so much. Any chance your teen is (like many other teens) manipulating the situation a bit for her own benefit?

Does your DH recognise that the stance he has chosen, will inevitably cause the breakdown of your family unit? Does he expect you to push DD out too?

I mean there's teenagers being difficult and there's not even acknowledging a father's Day gift and card bought of her own pocket money. That's just fucking rude

So sorry OP. How very sad.

This is an awful lot of projection!

Excluding her to punish her for the state of his relationship with her, and not doing things for her that he is doing for others is the very definition of lazy and vindictive!

You are the mother of all of these children and his behaviour is putting the entire family dynamic at risk of being dysfunctional. You need to call him on his laziness and vindictive behaviour. He needs to do some parenting courses to get his head around teenage development and cut out his childish behaviour.

This is awful.

Your dd sounds like a 'normal' teen.
I feel so sorry for her as I expect he has treated her differently for years and maybe she's never been brave (or angry) enough to let it out so it all stays inside eating away at her, feeling torn as the siblings she loves are treated so much better.

DP needs to grow up and act the adult and accept a teen does the typical teen stuff.

I feel for you.

To address a previous comment, I don't think anyone should "always come first." Child or not. With this attitude, the person who "always comes first" (once they figure this out) will be excused any sort of bad behaviour with little in the way of consequences. Too bad so sad for the people who come second, third, fourth....

I know because we have a person like this in my family. It's my half sister. Oddly, both her and my mother wonder why I don't want to have much to do with her.