He doesn't love her

[34and3]

I have a dd 13 from previous relationship. I've been with my now husband 11.5 years. Together we have a 9yo and 1yo. In the past 18 months ish their relationship has completely broken down. They regularly argue. It's toxic. When I asked him if he loved her he said he doesn't know. He said he won't cook for her anymore or take her to school (but he'll take the other dd), she'll need to sort herself out he says. We have a holiday booked for a few weeks time and he said he doesn't think he wants her to go because he deserves a holiday to relax and she won't make it enjoyable. Obviously if she doesn't go, nor do I.

I feel desperately sad. She's my little girl. Yea she can be a pain in the arse; she's 13. But she's fun and kind and clever. He doesn't see it.

He idolises the other two and she sees how different she is. Her bio dad hasn't so much as sent her a card since she was 2. No money either. She has a wonderful grandad who dotes on her and is a brilliant male role model for her but he's 79 and not well.

I feel like I'm being made to choose between the two of them. Naturally I have immense loyalty to my dd over my dh but I also have two other children who need their mummy.

Please help. I feel broken by it all.

So what's his problem?

What is it exactly that he is taking issue with, to the point of threatening the family holiday?

Is this normal teenage behaviour that he's struggling to deal with or is her behaviour worse than that?

Can he learn to drop the rope and not argue with her over things that don't matter? And for the things that do matter, learn to just hold his position without shouting and arguing?

He says she's lazy and makes no effort with him. He says she doesn't do enough round the house. He says she's vindictive because she comes to me and cries and in his opinion blows things up for me to side with her.

I should add... ds was born 16m ago and my teen had major surgery 11m ago (major as in she was in intensive care for a week after). She still has ongoing health problems so has had quite the battering.

Have you read the other threads here?

Your DH behaviour (to disengage) is often trotted out as advice.

What was their relationship like previously? Has he changed or was he always detached?

IMO you need to protect your DC, it’s possible this is chicken & egg situation (her behaviour a reaction to unhappy home).

It’s also not healthy for your other DC to see this behaviour pattern - a DC being disregarded and not wanted.

This is sad to read. Your poor DD

Do you parent all dc equally, or does she get away with more?
What happens when she comes to me and cries and in his opinion blows things up for me to side with her.?
Do you always side with her/him no matter what?

The DH isn't disengaging. He's arguing with the DD and threatening to disrupt a family holiday by asking for the exclusion of the DD.

Do you think she's unacceptably lazy? What does he mean by her not making enough effort with him?

I don't think it's vindictive for her to talk to her mother when she's upset about something.

Raising other men's children.

There are often very deep and primeval things going on there - consciously or not he may see her as competing for time, attention, love, resources, food etc with his own biological children.

You spending time and love and care with the evidence you were once with someone else might be an underlying unresolved issue with him.

The fact it's happening over the last 18 months - of course it's her adolescence, which neither of you have had to deal with before. And unlike you, it's his first time having to cope with it without the deep bond of this being his own child.

The younger ones still being children and somehow easier and pleasant to be with must be a stark contrast for him - but he'll have to step up and learn how to parent an adolescent because it'll be his own two next, and this is practice. There are books, videos and courses out there.

https://www.psychologytoday.com/us/blog/teen-girls-crash-course/201205/parenting-teen-girls

I think his behaviour is foul. She sounds lovely but been through a traumatic time and it’s up to him to model good behaviour, love, empathy and compassion.

13 is a horrid age periods, stress, hormones - give her a bloody break.

take all the kids and go on holiday by yourself - that is what I would do

The insulting ' lazy, vindictive' labels etc - it's this man's attitude that's the problem, not hers.

Major surgery, intensive care, adolescence, newish sibling - your child NEEDS the huge amount of support you're giving.

Are there parenting classes near you? He needs intent, effort and help to improve.

Your poor child. I'd be taking all three for a mother and children trip.

Exactly this. He sounds awful, she's a teenage girl who's been through it and he is a fully grown man who needs to grow up! I have a 13 year old stepdaughter who behaves exactly like your dd and every other 13 year old on the planet. If my husband treated my son like this I'd be done. Stand by your daughter and take the kids on holiday without him. If anyone is behaving like a spoiled brat it's him.

He’s absolutely pathetic to behave like this. Pathetic. I’m a step parent to two teens and selfishness is developmental at this age. “She makes no effort”?? He needs to grow up and you must protect her. She’s being rejected by a second father figure.

100% all of this!!

Agree! My DSD is also 13 (DSS IS 15) and exactly the same. I’m so angry at your DH on your behalf.

He sounds awful. Unless there is a massive drip feed regarding her behaviour, you need to protect her.

He needs to be the adult here.

Rejecting her is cruel and labelling her as lazy, vindictive etc is unacceptable.

If you broke up with him over this and entered another relationship, how would he feel if that man treated his biological children this way?

Is family therapy an option? This dynamic can’t go on. It’s so damaging.

He needs to realise that she's being a typical teen whilst he's being an arsehole.

I’m so sorry OP. He sounds horrible. My DH has raised eldest DD since she was 2.5 and refers to her as his eldest daughter. We also have two more children together. DD1 was not the easiest child initially as she didn’t have the best start in life, but DH has shown her kindness and consistency. It helps that he can empathise with the awfulness of her biological father, whose behaviours remind him very much of his own.
Your husband sounds rather cruel to be honest.

@coffeedrinkers @TheCheeseTray 💯 we've been here too! At 15y, all is well the majority of the time in our house ;)

OP, just say to him you'll happily take the children on your own. He does love her (if he build up this bond;(it's just the teen testing years) or he perhaps never has..

Just have another sit down with him and then maybe your daughter together and say what can we do as a team moving forward x

My ex was EXACTLY the same with my DD. Luckily we didn't have children together so it was much easier for me to make him leave and end the relationship.

I'm so sorry for you, it's absolutely draining being stuck between two people you love. I might be wrong, but my opinion was that DD was a child and he was an adult so it was mostly on him to try and resolve or overlook things that annoyed him. He couldn't or wouldn't so I ended it.

I feel for you OP, I really do.

I mean - everything you've said he feels about your DD, I feel about my DSS. It's not sad that he doesn't love her like you do, and he's not idolising your other kids, he's loving his own kids like all parents do.

However, I wouldn't have got involved in a situation where I was living with him full time as I recognise that it just wouldn't work. It doesn't sound like it was the right decision for your DH either.

JFD's post is spot on. Your DH is being a knob and breaking up the family. Of course a teenager is tougher to parent than a 9 yo. For him to do this to a child who is still suffering the after effects of surgery is grim. He needs to be told just how utterly unacceptable his behaviour is.

Thank you all for validating my feelings. She wrote him a Father's Day card and bought him a box of celebrations with her pocket money and he hasn't even said thank you to her 😢