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Step-parenting

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Original poster

Struggling!

126 replies

Elove1 · 09/06/2023 15:37

Hi all! I'm very new to parenting, with no kids of my own but a step parent to my partners two sons, 10 and 6.
I've been in a relationship with my partner for 2+ years and just before Xmas, I met his kids. I was the fun one and played games with them etc. But just lately, something has changed for me. I'm 34 (same as partner) and I've always had my own space and enjoyed my own company. We have the kids every other weekend (Friday-sunday) just lately, I've found the kids a struggle. I'm short with them, and refuse to take them out together as they just fight or don't listen. Every time they are round, I'm hiding away upstairs, away from the noise and the shouting. Me and my partner have come to blows many a times and we have sat down and spoke. I need my own space at the weekend too, this is also my only downtime as I work full time. My partner says he wants me sitting in the living room (even though the kids are watching tv or messing about) as well as joining in on their activities. I understand what he's saying.
I don't know, I'm just finding this whole new parenting thing very difficult. What's worse, is that their mother is a toxic waste of space and if the kids go home and say something about anything, she explodes. I would love some help and advice to try and save my relationship, build one with the kids, but also have that alone time that I crave.

OP posts:
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pillsthrillsandbellyache · 10/06/2023 17:20

Sorry for my sharp reply OP but I am so tired of seeing amazing women putting up with shit. Your life is exactly that, your life and it shouldn't revolve around him and his children. Very occasionally, step parenting works but that is due to BOTH of the adults compromising and working together. More often than not it doesn't work because, mostly men, just want a housemaid, financer and a babysitter. A shared house would be far far better than living with this dickhead. He will find another woman soon enough and she will take it all on to show how kind she is. Then she will wake up, leave and the cycle continues.

ItsNotWhatItsNot · 10/06/2023 17:49

You can’t be dependent on a vile misogynistic scumbag of a boyfriend to house you. Shared accommodation (or literally anything other than being in that mans house) sounds like a great idea, work on your self esteem, standards, grieve for your friend, and never again accept such a shit boyfriend in future.

Theredjellybean · 10/06/2023 18:08

i echo everyone ...he wants you to be the unpaid nanny/housekeeper

I would stop trying to chat about it, oyu are expecting this man to suddenly discover insight and an ability to see someone( yours) else's point of view and agree a compromise....spoiler alert..he wont

i would for now start making some plans to do things on weekend kids are there, of course you can do something with them..a dog walk or maybe a meal, but i would be breezily saying ' oh i am off out to meet up with ( insert friend's name) '...and go out...doesnt matter if you sit in costa with a book.

the point is he sees you as their surrogate mother..therefore you should want to and expect to be looking after them..while he merrily just pisses off out for icecream ( goes to pub/sees mate) . HE WONT CHANGE

So next wekeend make your own plans an dif he complains you are nto spending time together as a family of 4 , i'd would politely say ' they are not my children and i do not see us as a family of 4, this is my time off work and i am going to spend it how i want'

Willyoujustbequiet · 10/06/2023 18:19

Please get out of this relationship, for your sake and the children's.

If you can't manage EOW how on earth would you cope with full time?!

Rightiothen13 · 10/06/2023 18:21

Elove1 · 10/06/2023 16:55

I won't read all the negative stuff, I know what a shit show my life is right now.
I've just been told I behave like the children. I've decided this won't change so looks like I'll have to go into some sort of shared accommodation

What was your living situation before you moved in with him?

Original poster
Elove1 · 10/06/2023 18:41

Rightiothen13 · 10/06/2023 18:21

What was your living situation before you moved in with him?

Show quote history

I was living with my friend. Sadly the flat has been sold by the landlord and he's moving on to pastures new. Sadly I couldn't go back

OP posts:
Original poster
Elove1 · 10/06/2023 19:21

I've been left with the kids and they've been told to be good. Didn't even ask if it was okay. Currently the oldest one is pratting around in the garden after I've told him not to as we've been doing bits out there so it's a bit of a builders yard. He's definitely the naughty one

OP posts:
AcrossthePond55 · 10/06/2023 20:14

Elove1 · 10/06/2023 19:21

I've been left with the kids and they've been told to be good. Didn't even ask if it was okay. Currently the oldest one is pratting around in the garden after I've told him not to as we've been doing bits out there so it's a bit of a builders yard. He's definitely the naughty one

Another Disney Dad who was looking for a 'Nanny with benefits'.

If I were you I'd be getting out before you get even more enmeshed with him and his kids. He's already admitted what he thinks your 'role' should be and he's not going to change. Your life will become a series of being taken advantage of, fighting about it, he'll improved until you're back in your box and then the whole cycle will start over again.

Meanwhile, out there somewhere may be a nice man who will treat you as and equal and with the respect you deserve. But you're never going to find Mr Right when you're stuck at home skivvying for Mr Wrong.

excelledyourself · 10/06/2023 20:18

Elove1 · 10/06/2023 19:21

I've been left with the kids and they've been told to be good. Didn't even ask if it was okay. Currently the oldest one is pratting around in the garden after I've told him not to as we've been doing bits out there so it's a bit of a builders yard. He's definitely the naughty one

OP, why are you taking this utter shit from your partner?

Call him and tell him to get his arse home!

KirstenBlest · 10/06/2023 20:25

@Elove1 , I have a friend living in a HMO.
There's a good size communal kitchen, a bathroom shared by 2 and a bedroom.
My friend finds it fine and gets along with the others, and doesn't have to nanny someone else's children.

Theredjellybean · 10/06/2023 20:45

How on earth were you ' left with the kids'
did he literally sneak out ?
why are you being so wet about it ?
when he gest car keys/bike helmet/heads to the door just say ' hang on were are you going ?' and when he says 'out to get/do xyz..' you need to say firmly ' well who is looking after your kids as i am going out'
and then go ffs

HandbagsnGladrags · 10/06/2023 20:55

OP is too busy LOLing about it all to stand up to the twat. I despair.

NadjaCravensworth1 · 10/06/2023 21:45

It's tough. I have 3 step children and they are honestly such good kids but when they were younger I struggled with their weekends sometimes. I have never tried to be a mum to them, just a friend...although their mum definitely disagrees with this strategy I think. My partner would never make me be with them when I needed space though - and I really don't think your partners kids care if you're there when they're watching YouTube. I think you have to try and find balance, take time when you need it but if you find you're wanting to hide away the entire time they're around then honestly it's going to be a long road ahead. Your partner doesn't sound very supportive, are you sure he's the one for you?

Dontknownow86 · 11/06/2023 14:54

I was in a similar relationship to this op and didn't leave for similar reasons. It was a massive waste of my time and energy. I implore you to leave now.

It's easy to guilt us into compliance as there are so many difficult feelings around being a step mother.

FloweryWowery · 11/06/2023 15:01

He thinks you should work full time, do everything around the house and be a nanny to his kids!! What on earth are you doing with him?

Imawomangetmeoutofhere · 11/06/2023 15:06

You are in a share house atm. At least in another one you won’t be left to watch someone’s children without your permission. Or be dictated to. You need to end this. In the meantime stop cooking, cleaning for them etc and tell him to look after his own children. You are an unpaid nanny with benefits

billy1966 · 11/06/2023 19:52

Op, you are very foolish.

He's looked for a skivvy aupair for his kids and you are it.

He doesn't care about you or what you want.

The cheek of him telling you you have to sit on the sofa, cheeky fxxker.

He's a bully and he is not someone to ever, ever think of having a child with.

You would be so stuck.

Teice this weekend he has left you with the children.

You are a total mug if you accept this.

Find alternative accommodation and if you don't want child, avoid losers with children who are looking for free childcare.

You deserve better.

Don't be used by him.

Newestname002 · 12/06/2023 02:09

Imawomangetmeoutofhere · 11/06/2023 15:06

You are in a share house atm. At least in another one you won’t be left to watch someone’s children without your permission. Or be dictated to. You need to end this. In the meantime stop cooking, cleaning for them etc and tell him to look after his own children. You are an unpaid nanny with benefits

Totally agree with this I'm afraid.

OP Only you can change your situation. Your partner doesn't care for you as an individual, but for what you can provide to him and his children.

I strongly suggest you find a way to get a deposit and first months rent so you can move out of his property and go into a flat share. If necessary take on extra work at the weekend so you can have extra cash (paid into YOUR sole bank account, which he can't access) or, if possible, see if you can get paid overtime at your place of work to build up your finances to leave. No need to tell him that's what you are doing.

You do need to leave this stressful situation- it's not a happy or healthy place to be in. 🌹

RantyAnty · 12/06/2023 02:50

I hope you're also not paying 50% of his bills.

So many men do this as they really don't want to look after their children. They find a woman, move her in and dump the kids and house on her while he goes back to living like a single man

Take the money you make and find a nice house share with another woman and leave this user in the dust.

Rightiothen13 · 12/06/2023 05:59

Elove1 · 10/06/2023 19:21

I've been left with the kids and they've been told to be good. Didn't even ask if it was okay. Currently the oldest one is pratting around in the garden after I've told him not to as we've been doing bits out there so it's a bit of a builders yard. He's definitely the naughty one

he is a shit not just for abdicating responsibility but also for leaving his children in the care of someone who does not negotiate his children’s company in the slightest, is irritated by them and doesn’t seem to really like the eldest at all

Rightiothen13 · 12/06/2023 06:00

Enjoy not negotiate

Rightiothen13 · 12/06/2023 06:01

For you and in the best interests of these children op…. Leave him.

You aren’t happy
and these children should not share their home with someone who doesn’t want to be in the vicinity of them

Rightiothen13 · 12/06/2023 06:01

I reckon once you leave, you will be happier and these children will be much more settled, better behaved and happier EOW with their dad

standardduck · 12/06/2023 06:14

Your DP is using you for free childcare.

Of course he demands you sit next to them all the time, so he can pop in and out as he pleases.

He is not being a good parent and they are not your responsibility.

I would not bring another child into this mess, you'll end up doing everything alone.

Honeychickpea · 12/06/2023 08:45

RantyAnty · 12/06/2023 02:50

I hope you're also not paying 50% of his bills.

So many men do this as they really don't want to look after their children. They find a woman, move her in and dump the kids and house on her while he goes back to living like a single man

Take the money you make and find a nice house share with another woman and leave this user in the dust.

I have no doubt OP is paying at least 50% of the bills. That's how men like this operate. Users from head to toe.