Struggling!

[Elove1]

Hi all! I'm very new to parenting, with no kids of my own but a step parent to my partners two sons, 10 and 6.
I've been in a relationship with my partner for 2+ years and just before Xmas, I met his kids. I was the fun one and played games with them etc. But just lately, something has changed for me. I'm 34 (same as partner) and I've always had my own space and enjoyed my own company. We have the kids every other weekend (Friday-sunday) just lately, I've found the kids a struggle. I'm short with them, and refuse to take them out together as they just fight or don't listen. Every time they are round, I'm hiding away upstairs, away from the noise and the shouting. Me and my partner have come to blows many a times and we have sat down and spoke. I need my own space at the weekend too, this is also my only downtime as I work full time. My partner says he wants me sitting in the living room (even though the kids are watching tv or messing about) as well as joining in on their activities. I understand what he's saying.
I don't know, I'm just finding this whole new parenting thing very difficult. What's worse, is that their mother is a toxic waste of space and if the kids go home and say something about anything, she explodes. I would love some help and advice to try and save my relationship, build one with the kids, but also have that alone time that I crave.

If you stay long term you will end up a skivvy to him and his poorly raised boys, none of them will respect you for it either.

Why don't you dump this piece of crap and find a half decent manto have your own children with.

I don't agree with the 'woman should do everything' and I've told him that. This talk happened after I had moved in. He listened but deep down I know he doesn't agree.
As for me moving out. I don't have the funds for a deposit, let alone live alone what with the cost of living. I've lived with people all my life so if I was going to move out, it would have to be on my own.

So he expects you to do all the ‘woman’s work’ he doesn’t want children - he doesn’t respect you - what exactly are you getting out of this relationship apart from misery??

You are 34yr you don’t have time to waste - if you want children. I would end this now and find a decent man without baggage and have a child of my own. The resentment will magnify over the years and consume you otherwise. You are allowed to change your mind and priorities.

If you stay, I would work out a compromise. He takes the dc out (he should be anyway! Sports etc) giving you space and you eat together in the evenings. Only. Odd day out that is fun together. Theme park etc would be good to do together.

It feels like he is priming you and expecting you to step up and parent for him. I would be running for the hills!!

He wants your labour not your company then. Nice.

Just start saving now, put as much away, get a second job on the weekend so you have a perfect excuse not to be his childcare and maid, if you're going to work then you may as well get paid for it.
Save and then leave.

Oh god, please run while you still can OP, this relationship is going to suffocate the life out of you if you don't. His expectations are completely ridiculous and unreasonable and this will get worse, not better if you stick around.

Step parenting is hard at the best of times but the attitudes and behaviour you're describing from your partner (and, to a lesser degree, his ex) will make it impossible, do you want a life where you can never do enough/the right thing and are constantly made to feel like you're wrong? Because that's what you're signing up for, he has made that crystal clear by objecting to you not spending every last second of your time focused on him and his kids.

For those of us who've been there this situation is horribly familiar and it's obvious to us that his attitude will bleed into every area of your life. You will lose all your autonomy over how you spend your time and be criticised at every turn if you stay with this man, please save yourself while you still can.

It's not you're doing. He's making it miserable for you.

I know you say you kind of agree with him, but you must realise that him talking about "women's work" is going to make him sound like an utter misogynistic twat to all of us? Looking for a woman to do the housework and look after your kids for you are not attractive qualities at all, if you were both the kids parents looking after them would be equally both of your jobs, but since they're just his, it's HIS job. He sounds awful.

If I was going out and he was staying in, by default, they would be staying with him. That's the way it should be. He's putting too much pressure on you, and taking advantage of the fact that by the sounds of things you have slightly old fashioned views yourself.

He sounds like hard work. Going from 0 to two boys would hit anyone like a tonne of bricks. You should absolutely have your own space and you need clear boundaries, and not be guilted into playing the little wife. What you have to remember is that him seeing the boys every other weekend really isn't that often. What if one or both decide they want to move in with their father full time? He comes with the boys as a package and if you have any problems they need to be faced now, before you get in too deep.

He is using you!

As for me moving out. I don't have the funds for a deposit, let alone live alone what with the cost of living. I've lived with people all my life so if I was going to move out, it would have to be on my own. this makes you very vulnerable op., be careful going forward. Is there anything you can do job or education wise to improve your prospects?

He wants a house maid, a mother got this children so he doesn’t have to do anything.
Housekeeper unpaid with benefits.
And he has the audacity to criticise you!!

I don’t sit with my kids 24/7 and at the weekends I’ll go out on my own sometimes. As does my DH. Being a family doesn’t just mean being in each others space 24/7.

I also agree with this. I would not watch a 10 year old watch YouTube in a million years, even if they were my own. That's something they do to pass the time when they are alone, I am not interested in watching.

Absolutely this. He's an arsehole.

For context, I have two stepsons. I have never once sat in the same room and watched shite on the TV with them. My husband has never complained about this. He's also never said that women should do all the work.

You've got yourself a prize arsehole there I'm afraid.

OP You are an unpaid housekeeper/nanny.

Get the hell out of there. It will only become worse for you as time goes along. If you moved in then you can surely return to your old place?

I have thought about a weekend job for the extra money and a good excuse to get out the house, but I know for a fact I'll burn out too quickly.
Really appreciate all your wise words. I will definitely keep you all posted throughout the evening/weekend as it progresses. Trying very hard to not get grumpy before he walks through the door.

I might quietly add they will soon be teenagers and then your problems will really start if they are swearing and disrespectful already.

I can’t believe you are considering staying.
Don’t have a baby with this loser up. Can you imagine if she was a girl?

Work out the detail and find yourself a better man that has respect for you and women in general.

You are living the life of a servant who also has a job bringing money home, probably to the benefit of the master. Not satisfied with this, he also wants you to 'be part of the family' ie., to act as nanny to his unruly boys, though you will never be granted the rights of a parent. He is treating you as a complete mug. If he is taking money off you to go towards the children's upkeep, you should renegotiate so that you can save up and get the fuck out of there. Remember he is not the boss of you. You have but the one short life - don't spend it in servitude.

So he's just got in and I think their mum just called up and she's already started a row lol roll on 6pm when he goes to get the little cherubs

OP run.. don't look back. Step-parenting is effing hard work, even if the kids are angels &/or adults. It's also a thankless task.
My other half is an absolute darling who expects almost nothing of me other than love & it's still hell sometimes.
Run and don't look back

You seem a lovely, genuine person. I feel for you. You're being used. Get out of there.

OP there is no need for you to watch TV with them at this age. It's not like they are toddlers and need supervision. It's ok for you to have some time with them and also need your own space. Your partner should understand this.

I agree @GoalShooter

Apparently the kids haven't been behaving themselves, he's just gone to get them now. Then we are going on a dog walk...should take my running shoes with me lol

Move back out

this is a disaster and won’t get any better when these kids turn teens. A 10yo is swearing already and it’s tolerated?

that’s deeply concerning and quite frankly you’re worth better than this.

he’s not going to have kids with you, even if he says maybe, he is just saying whatever it takes so that you - dumbass - do all the chores AND look after his kids while he slumbers on.

nah! Fuck that shit! Move back out and tell him you’re not going to be his skivvy, or wait around until it’s too late to have the life you want.

he’s taking your fertile years from you and will give you absolutely nothing in return

Problem is, I don't have anyone really to talk to. I speak with one of my friends regularly but he has her own mess to deal with. My best friend died in Feb and she was my go to for everything. So I'm at a loss, hence why I'm venting on here lol