Struggling!

[Elove1]

Hi all! I'm very new to parenting, with no kids of my own but a step parent to my partners two sons, 10 and 6.
I've been in a relationship with my partner for 2+ years and just before Xmas, I met his kids. I was the fun one and played games with them etc. But just lately, something has changed for me. I'm 34 (same as partner) and I've always had my own space and enjoyed my own company. We have the kids every other weekend (Friday-sunday) just lately, I've found the kids a struggle. I'm short with them, and refuse to take them out together as they just fight or don't listen. Every time they are round, I'm hiding away upstairs, away from the noise and the shouting. Me and my partner have come to blows many a times and we have sat down and spoke. I need my own space at the weekend too, this is also my only downtime as I work full time. My partner says he wants me sitting in the living room (even though the kids are watching tv or messing about) as well as joining in on their activities. I understand what he's saying.
I don't know, I'm just finding this whole new parenting thing very difficult. What's worse, is that their mother is a toxic waste of space and if the kids go home and say something about anything, she explodes. I would love some help and advice to try and save my relationship, build one with the kids, but also have that alone time that I crave.

Vent away!
Your situation makes you uniquely vulnerable op. I actually feel quite worried about you.
The swearing and fighting it doesn’t sound especially safe for a new born and the boys will be bigger than you soon enough.

OP I would really urge you to listen to the advice you're getting on here. I don't tell women to leave men lightly, but this one sounds like it'll only get worse. You're only young with your whole life ahead of you.

He admitted that the woman should do it all and he shouldn't have to lift a finger

Two years in and you are only 34 and think this is what you are willing to settle for?? Whilst you might not like the Ex can you imagine how her life was, probadly young babies, waking at night and him thinking she has to do everything.

If he has this view of women he WILL pass this on to the boys so as teenagers you will be picking up after 3 men. Trust me when I say if he doesn't respect you the boys will treat you terribly.

Step parenting is tougher than actually parenting as you don't have the bond. I think your partner wants everything his way...essentially a surrendered wife. Traditional roles are not too bad IF there is mutual respect and consideration. Expecting you to sit watching YouTube is not considerate.

Hmm I think very, very often behind every "toxic ex" there's a huge backstory about how they got that way.

Maybe in this case it involves a "good dad" who refuses to parent his children more than every other weekend and even then dumps them on his new girlfriend as often as possible.

Maybe the toxic ex is just somebody who is exhausted after dealing with his "the woman should do all the work whilst I lie in bed" crap.

I don't know of course because I haven't met any of you but in cases like this I would love to see a thread started by the "toxic ex" to see what her side of the story looks like.

Plus, I'd be concerned that he's dangling the carrot of a baby of your own in front of you in order to get you to do the lion's share of the work and parenting now.

Men like this are excellent at getting women to run around after them, then when the women finally stand up to them they are labelled "toxic" and he moves on to the next woman 🤷🏽‍♀️

Oh I believe he played his fair share in that relationship and the more his colours show, I have wondered if this was what she put up with. But, I have listened to her on the phone screaming and shouting, the vile abusive messages (infront of the kids). He would have them full time if he could, he would have them more if his work allowed. But she calls all the shots and if you don't jump when she says, then he don't get to see or speak to the kids. Whatever went on between them, you don't use your kids as weapons and stopping them speaking to their dad, I think that's very unfair.
We will see what storm comes through the door once they get in. I'm absolutely dreading every second of this weekend

Vent away OP.
The more I read about your partner though, the more he seems like a walking red flag. I’m concerned that he and this entire step-parenting role is going to slowly crush your spirit.
You really need to stand up to him now and lay some firm boundaries and outline your expectations of him and the relationship.

Firm boundaries are definitely a must and definitely need a shit down chat about it.
And they are here...

@Elove1 so he lies in bed while you're looking after his kids.
He expects you to do all the housework and won't 'lift a finger '
DO NOT have kids with him , in fact I'd say 'fuck this' and move out.

PS who says his ex is toxic ? Let me guess - he does

This is not good OP. Sounds like he’s setting you up to pass his parenting responsibilities onto as well. Contact time is for him to have contact.
Obviously if you are there you will spend time with them, but it’s not the main reason for you to all spend all time together.
I wouldn’t stay for this. How did he manage when he was on his own without a woman to do everything?

Could you move into shared accommodation? Those boys are being brought up to be little misogynist shites

It doesn’t sound like step parenting is for you, and there is no harm in that at all. If you’re struggling now I can only imagine how you’ll struggle with teenagers. I would walk away from the relationship. If you’re living with their father then you’re fulfilling that mother role to a degree, however small that degree may be. I know on here it seems to be the thing to let the father of the children deal with absolutely everything, and for step mothers to stand back and never get involved. In reality you’re likely to be somewhat involved in the day to day family business.

He also doesn’t sound much of a catch expecting you to get on with all the jobs around the house.

For your own sake leave this relationship. Any man who thinks he shouldn't have to lift a finger and be waited on is not going to change.

3 days every other weekend isn't much! They are his kids and if you love him they are part of the package. I think you need to work to build a relationship with them after all you are the adult. Maybe plan things you can all do together on the weekends they are over. Your partner will also need to get up earlier on those days. The kids come first they always blooming do! It's hard but that's the way it is!

@fitnessmummy did you actually read the post?

OP be grateful you've not had a baby with this awful man and run for the hills. He just wants a skivvy for his kids and will be a shit father to any children you have together.

So we've been out on a dog walk, and I made an effort to chat with both the kids, and we've thought of a little fathers day gift for him.
We've come home and had takeaway whilst watching toy story and it's been very pleasant.
Deep down, all I've ever really craved is a family. I say I don't want a child however I think about it alot. I should be embracing it. But I still feel uncomfortable.

@Elove1 , your DP sounds like he grew up in the 1940s and 1950s.

You are vulnerable and yours is a fairly new relationship.
Do not have a baby with this man.

You have been recruited as a housekeeper and nanny.

I wonder if his ex was toxic before she met this prize of a man.

Knew it wouldn't last long.
Partner popped out for ice cream for all of us nearly an hour ago. He's obviously popped out to see his mate or something, didn't ask me if it's okay if I watch the kids.
The kids played for a bit. The youngest told me the oldest doesn't like me lol he said he does now as I'm nice. He muttered something else under his breath, something like, well this will always be my home if you're here or not.
The oldest has now got bored of the film and tried taking the youngest new toy off him, which made him cry. Fml.

Do all 10 years old have an attitude? He winds his brother up something chronic. Took them bowling once and my partner went to get some drinks and next thing you know, the oldest had his hands round his brothers neck.
Partner is back now and I explained why the youngest was crying. He asked if they'd started as soon as he left and I said no.
I'm so ready for bed lol

Please please use the most reliable contraception available. Do not depend on his use of condoms.

I'm on the pill :)
I told him that the youngest told me the oldest doesn't like me. He asked if he said why and I said no. I said that he likes me now because I'm nice, and do you know what my partner said? Nothing....
He told me that the oldest got upset that I was moving in and said I was grumpy. He doesn't know I overheard them on the phone as the son tells his dad he doesn't like me. I didn't hear much of the convo so I don't know what was said.
I'm not sure how I feel about coming second. Do you know what I mean? I'm not stupid or nasty, I know those kids will always come first, before anyone else, what I mean is that I basically feel I have no leg to stand on, like they've got one up on me? Christ I sound selfish. Please don't judge me lol

You admit yourself that you're blunt. You're also the woman who in their minds is taking their dad's focus away from them. You don't really like THEM or at least spending time with them. So is it a surprise they said they don't like you. I imagine lots of step children don't like their SP at first.

Well done for making an effort with them. I'm sure you're aware that parenting is hard work sometimes however it seems that you're expecting everything to be perfect and easy. It's not. Kids fight and wind each other up.

Your partner sounds like a total nightmare to me, popping out for ice cream but going to a mates, expecting you to do most of the grunt work, not wanting to do the parenting alone himself and taking it out on you... but each to their own.

That feeling of having no leg to stand on? That's exactly how it will be, and it doesn't even stop when DSC grow up, my experience has been even worse since they've been adult. I honestly think it comes down to (some) men just not having the emotional intelligence to figure out how to balance having DC with having a partner. Or maybe it just gives a certain type of man 'permission' to be a selfish partner, using the excuse of 'my kids come first' to avoid having to make any compromises.

Either way it doesn't bode well for your happiness in this relationship OP and I really hope you'll think about what people have posted here and it will sow the seed for you to start planning to leave.

You really need to stop signing off with "lol" OP. It's not funny, your partner treats you like shit and is disrespectful, his kids are hard work and you don't like being around them, yet you have a partner who will not respect that you don't have to be and, worse than that, leaves you to parent them without even asking. None of it is funny. This is a bad relationship and you should get out.