Struggling!

[Elove1]

Hi all! I'm very new to parenting, with no kids of my own but a step parent to my partners two sons, 10 and 6.
I've been in a relationship with my partner for 2+ years and just before Xmas, I met his kids. I was the fun one and played games with them etc. But just lately, something has changed for me. I'm 34 (same as partner) and I've always had my own space and enjoyed my own company. We have the kids every other weekend (Friday-sunday) just lately, I've found the kids a struggle. I'm short with them, and refuse to take them out together as they just fight or don't listen. Every time they are round, I'm hiding away upstairs, away from the noise and the shouting. Me and my partner have come to blows many a times and we have sat down and spoke. I need my own space at the weekend too, this is also my only downtime as I work full time. My partner says he wants me sitting in the living room (even though the kids are watching tv or messing about) as well as joining in on their activities. I understand what he's saying.
I don't know, I'm just finding this whole new parenting thing very difficult. What's worse, is that their mother is a toxic waste of space and if the kids go home and say something about anything, she explodes. I would love some help and advice to try and save my relationship, build one with the kids, but also have that alone time that I crave.

No one is happy in this shit show
The OP isn’t
The partner isn’t

and the children aren’t happy.

the good news is that this is a relatively new relationship and no joint children involved.

So before this deteriorates even further, end it op.

However I would wager that you will stay. Fall pregnant. And there will be multiple future unhappy threads started by the op

It is indicative of a very immature OP IMO

Well it's a nonsense isn't it. If I had to sit and watch YouTube with my DSS's I'd go slightly mad very quickly. But I also didn't do that with my own kids when they were little all the time for the same reason.
I think some family time is important and if you can't bear to do any of that-trips out, family meals and as you say, chores-the normal bits of life-then that's a wider problem, but you don't have to be glued together as a four from Friday to Sunday.

What the kids mum thinks shouldn't matter. We have a similar situation in which the DSS's mum emails us regularly to berate us about what she says h as gone on in our house (always completely inaccurate, embellished and to fit her own narrative) and more recently to demand to know why my two DD's and I don't go and watch the DSS's play football or go to the trampoline park with them (because they are 17 and 16, one works all weekend, they both have lives of their own, and whilst the boys play football I'm in fact at work). It gets in your head to feel scrutinised and criticised for everything you do or don't do, and there will probably always be a bit of that-and you need to learn to shake it off.

You aren't unreasonable to want a bit of your weekend to yourself, but you do need to spend some time with the kids and not under duress for it to work I think.

Your boyfriend does sound a bit of an arse though.

It is indicative of a very immature OP IMO

Could be a defensive mechanism to avoid being perceived as complaining. But she needs to know it's worth complaining about.

I think that’s a little harsh, I don’t get immature from the op, I get naive, confused and frustrated.

this isn’t what @Elove1 signed up for or if she thought that the problems she saw would be fixed or resolved by moving in, she’s now beginning to see that she was wrong.

@Elove1 - what you’re seeing now is that it’s never going to get any better and a lot of this crap is down to your - frankly lazy and crap - ‘d’p. He’s taking the piss and isn’t even doing that much effort to hide it.

he thinks you’re hooked in and trapped now. If you stay and allow this to carry on, it’s on you. You’re better than this and you damned well know it!

Yeah, I think this is actually it.

this isn’t what @Elove1 signed up for

she moved in with a man with young children. And a “toxic” “useless” ex.

unless this was sprung on her after she’d moved in, I would say this is precisely what she signed up for.

The op doesn’t like her partners children

that is unlikely to change

unfair on the op. On the partner and the children.

it’s a shit show

Your boyfriend wants you to parent his kids so he doesn't have to. Bloody men.

This won't get any better OP.

Really? You think there was a step parenting contract that the OP signed?
Its actually not a bad idea for cards to be on the table and actually signed up for, but in real life, at least on Mumsnet, that doesn't seem to be a thing.

You think there was a step parenting contract that the OP signed?

well, you move in with someone who has his children over once a fortnight… it does sort of indicate that once a fortnight there will be children in your immediate space.

the dp doesn’t like this partner blocking herself off in her room. Must make the kids feel like shit too. As far as I can see he’s not ever asking the op to do any childcare, he just wants his children to feel like a part of the home every fortnight.

I'm sure you're aware that parenting is hard work sometimes
OP doesn't need to parent. The children have two parents. She's a step-parent.

@Elove1 , the pill isn't 100% reliable. Your partner seems to have recruited you as a free nanny and house-keeper who he can shag.
Get yourself out of this relationship.

I’m not going to judge you OP. I was with a man for 9 years whose DCs apparently didn’t like me, despite me being lovely to them, doing arts and crafts, baking, going to cinema and basically doing all the nice bits of parenting while never being allowed to so much as ask them to stop breaking my stuff without being told I’m a child hater. It doesn’t get any better, you just end up stuffing down the negative feelings and resenting them all. And I had my own kids. No way I could have done any of that if the option was time to myself instead!!

You have absolutely no obligation to spend time with anyone during your free time. He’s the parent. Parent is a verb as well as a noun. So he needs to get the fuck out of bed and parent his sons. Read StepMonster - it helped me to acknowledge that my feelings were valid, that it was mainly a DP issue rather than a DSC issue, and that I could be whatever kind of “step” I was comfortable with.

Turned out i was only comfortable spending absolutely no time with his DCs and in the end the relationship broke down for other reasons. I’m now seeing someone with a DS a similar age to your partner and I 100% will not be taking on any parental roles. I’ll be happy to meet him when the time comes and may even spend the odd hour or two with them but my time will be when he’s child free.

life is too short to spend it being disrespected by your so called partner and his kids. Move out, move on.

Well he went off for ice cream and didn't come back, so no he's not asking her to do childcare, he's just buggering off and leaving her to do it.

I’m wondering what you are getting out of this relationship.

This is never a popular view on here but tbh this is why I think you shouldn’t wait more than six months to meet the kids.

The longer you wait, the more defined your relationship becomes, except it’s a false reality, because the introduction of the kids changes the relationship. And if you’re already settled in a relationship after two years in your case, then it’s a lot harder to admit that it’s not for you when feelings etc are already established and it turns out you’re not cut out for step parenting.

And that’s not a crime. Step parenting isn’t for everyone, it certainly wouldn’t have been for me, but equally I think that children should be an integral part of the parent’s life, and as such I think that introducing the kids is crucial.

And let’s be honest, knowing someone for a long time doesn’t mean anything really. The fact that you’re in a position of being a step parent shows that, their relationship didn’t work and it was presumably a longer term one, so as long as we’re not talking a revolving door of boyfriends and girlfriends every couple of weeks, I think that if you are at the six month mark then is the time to introduce the kids, and you can do it without making a big thing of it anyway.

In your case OP it sounds as if step parenting isn’t for you. And in truth this is going to be it for a long time, and if you can’t handle eOW then you should really walk away. Because when someone is a parent there is always a possibility that they will end up

Posted too soon, there’s always a possibility they will end up a full time parent at some point.

So who did his house work before you moved in?
Have a relationship without living together, see him when he doesn't have the DC then you never have to see them unless you want to.

She's not a step parent. She's the girlfriend of a man who wants free childcare, free housekeeping, free cooking and free sex.

Agree OP, this isn't some quirky whimsical scenario to lol about. You have real problems.

So your partner hasn't lied to you, you knew upfront that he saw anything domestic as a woman's job. He leaves you to parent his two kids knowing how unsure you are feeling... this is it @Elove1 . If you plan on staying you need to slap a smile on your face and suck it up as not to damage the children anymore than they have been already. Why would he change if he can convince someone daft enough to take it all on? If it isn't working out for you, you need to leave. If you think hes worth it then like I said, suck it up and do so with grace.

@Honeychickpea , I agree but on here that's not an acceptable view.

“He would have them full time if he could, he would have them more if his work allowed”

sorry but this is bollocks isn’t it, he thinks it’s ‘women work’. Work doesn’t a lot around children, it’s a case of making it fit in! Kids are hard work, yes this pair sound pretty normal and those who aren’t yours are more annoying. Because the cost of living is high isn’t a good reason to be in a relationship. Honestly you’re young, find someone without children who doesn’t think a woman is there to do all the jobs they don’t want to

I won't read all the negative stuff, I know what a shit show my life is right now.
I've just been told I behave like the children. I've decided this won't change so looks like I'll have to go into some sort of shared accommodation

Shared accommodation and a future without this misery would be infinitely better for you. You will have a chance of happiness.
He sounds absolutely awful and I don’t say that often.