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Step-parenting

Connect with other Mumsnetters here for step-parenting advice and support.

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Original poster

Struggling!

126 replies

Elove1 · 09/06/2023 15:37

Hi all! I'm very new to parenting, with no kids of my own but a step parent to my partners two sons, 10 and 6.
I've been in a relationship with my partner for 2+ years and just before Xmas, I met his kids. I was the fun one and played games with them etc. But just lately, something has changed for me. I'm 34 (same as partner) and I've always had my own space and enjoyed my own company. We have the kids every other weekend (Friday-sunday) just lately, I've found the kids a struggle. I'm short with them, and refuse to take them out together as they just fight or don't listen. Every time they are round, I'm hiding away upstairs, away from the noise and the shouting. Me and my partner have come to blows many a times and we have sat down and spoke. I need my own space at the weekend too, this is also my only downtime as I work full time. My partner says he wants me sitting in the living room (even though the kids are watching tv or messing about) as well as joining in on their activities. I understand what he's saying.
I don't know, I'm just finding this whole new parenting thing very difficult. What's worse, is that their mother is a toxic waste of space and if the kids go home and say something about anything, she explodes. I would love some help and advice to try and save my relationship, build one with the kids, but also have that alone time that I crave.

OP posts:

Are your children’s vaccines up to date?

Set a reminder

Rightiothen13 · 09/06/2023 15:39

You are at the beginning of this journey and only every other weekend

op, you might want to reconsider this relationship as it doesn’t sound like step parenting is for you

LemonLimeDivine · 09/06/2023 15:53

Do you mean verbally come to blows?

Step-parenting is tough. They are his kids though so ultimately they are his responsibility. Don’t allow him to force childcare onto you. It’s up to him to look after and entertain them. If you feel like joining in, great. If not then you are allowed to do your own thing. You are not beholden to them. You are absolutely allowed time to yourself and don’t let him say otherwise.

A relationship with the kids can’t be forced and takes time on both sides.

There are some very wise people
on this board who will be along with better advice but I think you need a conversation with your husband.

CurlewKate · 09/06/2023 15:56

"Come to blows"? Physically?

Rightiothen13 · 09/06/2023 16:00

their mother is a toxic waste of space
and if the kids go home and say something about anything, she explodes

depends what they say ie the dad’s partner was bitching about their mother and calling her a toxic waste of space?

HandbagsnGladrags · 09/06/2023 16:03

Why do you have to be sat with them all the time? You deserve your own space as well and don't let him tell you otherwise. You're not their parent. I would arrange things for yourself when the kids are there and keep your distance. Sounds like he wants to share the parenting load which isn't your responsibility if you don't want to do it.

TomatoSandwiches · 09/06/2023 16:08

He needs to respect that you require your own space and time away from the noise of his children.
You are entitled to that ans if he tells you he expects you to be downstairs entertaining his kids on the of chance they diert their eyes from the TV I would be laughing in his face.
HE needs to do the childcare ans entertaining, they are not your children and if he was doing a decent enough job then you wouldn't feel the need to escape them so often.

TomatoSandwiches · 09/06/2023 16:08

Divert*

aSofaNearYou · 09/06/2023 16:13

My first thought when I read two boys that age was "oof". I don't envy you there, I'd find that very trying.

It's fine to want your own space. I think it's a bit worrying that your DP doesn't respect that, he needs to understand that they're his kids but they will frequently be annoying to others, including you, and you won't want to be with them all the time they are there.

Original poster

Elove1 · 09/06/2023 16:15

Thanks everyone. Firstly, we've only 'come to blows' as in arguments. Secondly, yes the mother is toxic. The world revolves around her and she uses those kids as weapons. The kids never hear my opinion of her but it's alright for her to give her opinions about myself and partner to the kids...and god forbid if I tell those kids off for beating the crap out of eachother.
I've told him all this, that I am not the parent and I cannot understand why I have to sit downstairs and watch them watch their TV lol. I've told him that I am envious that he has kids and I don't.
The oldest one loves his dad and the breakdown of his parents relationship, he has struggled with. He's the apple of his dad's eye, however he's a stroppy little git and gosh doesn't he swear when he throws a wobbler!
I've also told him that I want my own space, to be able to go food shopping and dog walking alone without having to take the kids. Why is step parenting so hard? Probably alot harder when you've never been a parent

OP posts:

InceyWinceySpidy · 09/06/2023 16:24

Step parenting doesn't have to be hard, when the two biological parents act appropriately.

If you're expected to act like a mother, by your DP and spend your free time watching them, then you also get to say "can you stop beating each other" without them running home to mummy, who loves to yell "how dare you upset them" just to be a pain in the ass. If that's what is going to happen, then your DP needs to deal with that.

The expectation, by both of those adults, for you to accept all the crap, the expectation of your DP for you to bond with them and care for them, but not be able to have any voice of your own, is not on.

You're either in. Or you're out. And if he's not going to step up and protect you from the onslaught from the exW and tell his children to show better manners to you, then you are very much not "out" and that's by his doing, so you shouldn't have to take any responsibility for them.

He wants that to change? Then he'd better make changes to enable it.

aSofaNearYou · 09/06/2023 16:24

I've told him all this, that I am not the parent and I cannot understand why I have to sit downstairs and watch them watch their TV lol.

What does he say to this?

I've told him that I am envious that he has kids and I don't.

A lot to unpick here. Are you planning on having kids together one day?

I've also told him that I want my own space, to be able to go food shopping and dog walking alone without having to take the kids. Why is step parenting so hard? Probably alot harder when you've never been a parent

It can be hard in a lot of ways but it doesn't have to be like this. It sounds like he is taking the piss. Is he making you take them alone when you go shopping or dog walking, leaving him at home?

Rightiothen13 · 09/06/2023 16:25

This is not the relationship for you or your partner.

Original poster

Elove1 · 09/06/2023 16:32

@aSofaNearYou what does he say to this? Yes, he does expect me to be sat downstairs whilst they are watching tv.
Erm, originally no. I've always been on the fence about kids and from the day dot my partner has said no to more kids. When I brought up the envious thing, he was like "well maybe in a year or so we could think about having a baby".
And yes, taken them out alone. I'm an early riser, just like the kids. I've left him in bed whilst I've done the chores with the kids in tow.

They are due over this evening, so watch this space. I'm very nervous. Just waiting for a comment from him when I have to move my arse from the sofa to do some chores lol

OP posts:

aSofaNearYou · 09/06/2023 16:35

Elove1 · 09/06/2023 16:32

They are due over this evening, so watch this space. I'm very nervous. Just waiting for a comment from him when I have to move my arse from the sofa to do some chores lol

What I mean is, when you go out, does he expect you to take them with you, even if he's not going?

Original poster

Elove1 · 09/06/2023 16:41

My partner is old school and I am to soke degree. I've been on annual leave this week so I've had plenty of alone time as well as maintaining the house. He admitted that the woman should do it all and he shouldn't have to lift a finger. I was brought up very similarly and I've always thought that's how my life should be/want it to be.
I've recently moved in and the oldest kid cried that I've moved in as he thinks I'm rude (I'm blunt. This is very new to me like it is to them) I just don't feel very respected and I feel I always need an excuse to leave when they are here. My partners snarky comments don't help neither.
As for the actual parenting, I'm not a parent so I can't make "comments" although I have eyes and ears and if my kid spoke to me the way the oldest does sometimes....I don't know, I just don't agree with some of the things he does.

OP posts:

RedRosette2023 · 09/06/2023 16:43

Why do you need to be physically present all the time with his kids? Does he just want someone to help take the parental load from him?!

TomatoSandwiches · 09/06/2023 16:45

The more you update the more I dislike your boyfriend.
I would be moving back out, he is shit.

Original poster

Elove1 · 09/06/2023 16:46

A part of me thinks I should just put on a fake face and brace the 3 days he has with them every other weekend. He is a good dad and those kids are very much loved.
I just find myself almost in a instant miserable mood once their weekend is here and that's my doing.
I thought about some activities to do with them at the weekend, going to the park, planting some flowers and colouring, so I can only but try.
But I must admit, I feel like a prisoner sometimes.

OP posts:

Original poster

Elove1 · 09/06/2023 16:48

RedRosette2023 · 09/06/2023 16:43

Why do you need to be physically present all the time with his kids? Does he just want someone to help take the parental load from him?!

He says he wants me to be a part of the family unit, be together as a four. Now I'm not stupid, I wouldn't be putting my shows on the TV whilst the kids were here, however, sitting there watching the kids watch bloody YouTube on the TV is not my idea of fun, he doesn't understand that. I told him that as a parent, that's his job to be sitting watching their crap with them, why should I? Gosh this must make me sound so petty

OP posts:

RedRosette2023 · 09/06/2023 16:49

When you work FT your weekends are precious. It’s fine to spend time with them but it’s also fine to do things that you want to do too - even if that is sitting by yourself avoiding the noise.

TomatoSandwiches · 09/06/2023 16:50

But what does he do? What does he do with his children?
The oldest one swears a lot, kicks off a lot and is rude to you, that's not the kids fault that's his upbringing, his mum AND Dad allowing this.
He sees them EOW,,,, that's a bit shit as well, but he sees them the minimum amount and still expects you the woman he has moved in to be present for all and every moment of contact they have.
Good dads would try to plan and carve time out for their children they see so little of, not rope someone else in because they fancy a lie in.

He is not a good dad, he's not a good partner, he's a brilliant CF and top notch misogynist though 👍

RedRosette2023 · 09/06/2023 16:50

Elove1 · 09/06/2023 16:48

Show quote history

I don’t sit with my kids 24/7 and at the weekends I’ll go out on my own sometimes. As does my DH. Being a family doesn’t just mean being in each others space 24/7.

HangerLaneGyratorySystem · 09/06/2023 16:50

Not sure you sound petty but you sound pretty daft. So you've moved in with a man who says that women should do everything, and you agree with him, and now that's extending to his two kids - seems like as they are boys he expects you to be taking a back seat to them too. This isn't really a step-parenting issue, its your partner that's the problem.

As others have said, do you have to stay there? Could you move back out and re-assess?

Original poster

Elove1 · 09/06/2023 16:51

As for the parental load part....I don't know. Personally I think he thinks I should be doing the 'womanly' thing and cooking dinner, washing clothes and tidying up behind them like any normal mother (which I am not lol)
What annoys me, if I'm upstairs watching tv or whatever, the kids just walk on in...it drives me insane.

OP posts:

HangerLaneGyratorySystem · 09/06/2023 16:52

Oh dear. Just gets worse. Is this really something you enjoy?!

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