Active discussions

Are your children’s vaccines up to date?

Set a reminder

Please or to access all these features

Talk
Step-parenting

Connect with other Mumsnetters here for step-parenting advice and support.

Original poster

Dreaded WILL conversation

160 replies

pippanda · 01/06/2023 19:18

My DP and I have been meaning to sort out wills out since we bought the house 3 years ago. We now have a 1yr old and he is off to sea in a couple of months so really needs to get it sorted. DP had a daughter who's 10 from a previous so we decided we will do separate Wills instead of a joint as he had his other daughter to consider too. Obviously we have to come to an agreement with what we do with our joint asset of the house. Both of us have life insurance that will pay the house off in the event of our deaths and the house will go to the other one. The problem arose when we spoke about what happens after we both die. In my head three quarters will go to our DD with a quarter going to SD.

However... during this conversation DP thought this was unfair and said as my half would go to DD that his whole half should go to SD... I'm sorry what? In my opinion they are both his daughters so they should have half of his assets each, However I only have one DD in this and I want to protect her assets! And she will inherit of her own mum! This house will also be her childhood home. SD stays with us every other weekend but her home home is with her mum. Am I being unreasonable? Why should our DD receive less of her dad and her sister receive more just because she will be inheriting off me and SD won't? It makes no sense to me but don't know if I'm missing something?

Anyone else I know in a similar situation hasn't even approached the situation of wills yet as they know it will cause murders. Has anyone been in a similar situation? What was your solution?

Also I know this is very morbid apologies xx

OP posts:
Are your children’s vaccines up to date?
Set a reminder
finished31 · 02/06/2023 10:50

GoalShooter · 01/06/2023 19:34

I agree with you OP, but as another poster said, you can't make him do anything. If you die and he inherits your assets then he can leave them to whoever he likes in his will. If you're concerned, perhaps talk to a solicitor about leaving your assets in trust for your DD?

100% this.

Too many stories from the other side saying surviving parent got remarried and all inheritance has gone to their step kids.

SadBut · 02/06/2023 10:58

As an aside OP, double check the life insurance about death at sea, and death whilst at work. It may well be excluded
This may well be VERY well hidden, and not in the little booklets or guides
I managed to take out life insurance that didn't include motorcycles. Found out accidentally when cover moved from one provider to another. Didn't even see it when specifically looking, it wasn't under exclusions it was somewhere random.

Judgyjudgy · 02/06/2023 12:08

Yousee · 02/06/2023 08:56

You've just argued against yourself.
Everything you said about his first child is also true of his second. Might or might not inherit from mum, mum might or might not marry again, one mother will die before the other leaving one child "worse off" if they don't inherit at exactly the same time as their sibling .
The least complicated thing is for all three adults to split their estate equally between their own children, however many children that may be.
Everything else is just second guessing the future and setting the children up for alot of hurt and angst in the future.

Show quote history

By all three adults do you mean the birth mum as well? I'm assuming if that was an option then there wouldn't be this discussion in the first place (sorry haven't RTFT). I'm assuming not for the second child as the second child's mum is OP!!? Anyway, all I'm saying is I can see where DH is coming from so we can agree to disagree. As a sidetrack, I don't understand why people don't discuss these kinds of matters when they get into a relationship with people who already have children.

aSofaNearYou · 02/06/2023 12:28

By all three adults do you mean the birth mum as well? I'm assuming if that was an option then there wouldn't be this discussion in the first place (sorry haven't RTFT). I'm assuming not for the second child as the second child's mum is OP!!? Anyway, all I'm saying is I can see where DH is coming from so we can agree to disagree. As a sidetrack, I don't understand why people don't discuss these kinds of matters when they get into a relationship with people who already have children.

You can see what he's coming from disinheriting his second child because her mum is providing for her?

Bafflingpineapplecow · 02/06/2023 12:42

Don't understand why it matters what the SDC will inherit from their mum's. In our case it's likely there won't be any assets from mum's side but that's not our fault or our responsibility to sort out or compensate for. OP we're doing the same as you suggested. My partner's 50% share of the house will be divided in 3s whilst my 50% share goes to our child. Simply because he has three kids, I have one. And your partner should want to provide for all his kids equally, from his assets.

SilverOrchid · 02/06/2023 12:48

pippanda · 01/06/2023 19:38

The whole point of this post is about protecting my daughters assets and that's what you would take from it? I'd have to be a pretty horrible human. Everything I do is for her and her future.

Our DD would go to either my parents or my best friend if they are gone at that point.

Show quote history

The PP had a good point though. Instead of Derek, you go into care and need to sell the house to fund it, so you die with nothing. Entirely plausible. DSD has her half of house from DH but your DD has nothing to inherit.

You should put this scenario to your DH to see if he is happy with this scenario.

nahwhale · 02/06/2023 12:53

aSofaNearYou · 02/06/2023 08:56

You're right. He's effectively disinheriting his younger daughter if he does this. He needs to see sense.

Yeah Shared DD is going to massively resent it if DSC gets his while share and she gets nothing. Why doesn't her dad give a crap about her?

nahwhale · 02/06/2023 12:55

funinthesun19 · 02/06/2023 08:38

He’s a father of two, so the amount he leaves to each of his children should reflect that. He should leave his half to his TWO children, and you leave your half to your ONE child.

What he’s saying is that he personally is leaving his youngest nothing.

This is on par with dads showering their eldest with treats and not the youngest because their youngest went out with their own mum for the day and it needs to be compensated for.

I think if he's going to ignore your shared child's existence in his will OP you'd better start splitting your finances as best you can now and get into full time work if you aren't already (split the childcare costs) and really go for it career wise. Don't let him use you.

nahwhale · 02/06/2023 12:57

Floofydawg · 02/06/2023 08:18

@salmonlinguineplease are you a stepmum?

I don't intend to leave my money to children I didn't decide to bring into the world. For me, it really is that simple.

I agree. I might feel differently if their mum had died and left them with nothing. But she hasn't and I work hard in my career and she admits she doesn't bare minimum. That's what she wants for her children so why should I subsidise that.

caringcarer · 02/06/2023 13:14

FrillyGoatFluff · 02/06/2023 10:15

We had a similar conversation.

My 2 DSDs live with us full time, so I wanted to make sure I recognised them properly in my will, but equally, their maternal family will also recognise them. And frankly, their wealth is significant.

Ours are split 50% to our joint daughter, and 25% each to the DSDs. We are all our DD has got, my DSDs have a whole separate branch of inheritance which will also come their way.

We discussed this with the eldest at the time (she's 18) and she agreed. It's awkward, but vital. Last thing I want is sibling arguments after we're gone, they'll need each other.

Just wondering why, given 2 DSC will inherit from the paternal side of the family anyway and you are all your dd has, your DH did not split his half of your home into 3 and give each of his DC 1/3 and you give your dd your 50 percent meaning your joint DD would get your 50 percent and 16 percent from her Dad?

Yousee · 02/06/2023 13:24

Judgyjudgy · 02/06/2023 12:08

By all three adults do you mean the birth mum as well? I'm assuming if that was an option then there wouldn't be this discussion in the first place (sorry haven't RTFT). I'm assuming not for the second child as the second child's mum is OP!!? Anyway, all I'm saying is I can see where DH is coming from so we can agree to disagree. As a sidetrack, I don't understand why people don't discuss these kinds of matters when they get into a relationship with people who already have children.

Show quote history

Yes , I mean the ex as well. The OP states that the DSD will inherit from her mother.
The father wanted his eldest DD to inherit from her mum, himself and OP, with his youngest only inheriting from himself and OP.
As OP has not agreed to supply her DSD with a further inheritance at her own child's expense, the father has now decided to disinherit his own younger child, who will now inherit only from OP, while his eldest gets all of her mother and fathers assets.
If you still think this is ok now I've broken it rift down for you then I judge you as much as him to be honest.
I didn't discuss this with DH beforehand hand as it never entered my mind as a possibility that anything other than parents splitting assets between their own children was up for discussion.

PrincessofWellies · 02/06/2023 15:14

nahwhale · 02/06/2023 06:33

I really wouldn't be so flippant about the derek/derekina situation. It happens a lot, so much that solicitors often put in a clause about remarriage in the will when the trust is mentioned.

Show quote history

I don't think the clauses about the widow(er) remarriage are upheld now and so must solicitors would not be putting in such a clause.

funinthesun19 · 02/06/2023 15:23

As OP has not agreed to supply her DSD with a further inheritance at her own child's expense, the father has now decided to disinherit his own younger child, who will now inherit only from OP, while his eldest gets all of her mother and fathers assets.
If you still think this is ok now I've broken it rift down for you then I judge you as much as him to be honest

Exactly. He’s trying to make things equal in his head, but the big irony which he cannot seem to see is that he’s making things very very unequal by literally giving one of HIS TWO children something but not the other.
Why is he not fixated on what his ex is giving to his eldest and deciding to give his youngest all of his money? I know, it’s because what she gives to her child is irrelevant and that’s his child so he wants to give them something. Well, it’s EXACTLY THE SAME the other way round. What OP gives to her child is irrelevant and their shared child is also his child so he should want to give his youngest an equal share of his money too.

I don’t see how anyone can see this from his point of view. Just because a child does not inherit a penny from their stepmum, doesn’t give the dad the green light to make up for it. There is absolutely nothing to make up for! He’s disinheriting his youngest and there are no excuses for that.

funinthesun19 · 02/06/2023 15:25

It’s like saying he should take his eldest on holiday alone because the stepmum took her actual child on holiday on her own. As though it’s something to make up for. It’s warped logic and you see it all the time on here.

aSofaNearYou · 02/06/2023 15:30

funinthesun19 · 02/06/2023 15:23

As OP has not agreed to supply her DSD with a further inheritance at her own child's expense, the father has now decided to disinherit his own younger child, who will now inherit only from OP, while his eldest gets all of her mother and fathers assets.
If you still think this is ok now I've broken it rift down for you then I judge you as much as him to be honest

Exactly. He’s trying to make things equal in his head, but the big irony which he cannot seem to see is that he’s making things very very unequal by literally giving one of HIS TWO children something but not the other.
Why is he not fixated on what his ex is giving to his eldest and deciding to give his youngest all of his money? I know, it’s because what she gives to her child is irrelevant and that’s his child so he wants to give them something. Well, it’s EXACTLY THE SAME the other way round. What OP gives to her child is irrelevant and their shared child is also his child so he should want to give his youngest an equal share of his money too.

I don’t see how anyone can see this from his point of view. Just because a child does not inherit a penny from their stepmum, doesn’t give the dad the green light to make up for it. There is absolutely nothing to make up for! He’s disinheriting his youngest and there are no excuses for that.

Completely agree with all this, but I'm guessing it must come from him seeing himself and his wife as one entity, rather than individuals? As "an entity", he feels they should be splitting equally between "their" kids. So it doesn't matter to him what his ex is giving eldest as she's a different person, whereas he and OP are considered one, so if she's giving her assets to their joint DC, then so is he in his head. And naturally on the other end of things, if he has another child then so does OP, as they are "one".

But you can't really be one entity with your partner when you have fundamental differences such as how many children you have. You need to accept that you are individuals and act accordingly.

funinthesun19 · 02/06/2023 15:45

aSofaNearYou · 02/06/2023 15:30

Completely agree with all this, but I'm guessing it must come from him seeing himself and his wife as one entity, rather than individuals? As "an entity", he feels they should be splitting equally between "their" kids. So it doesn't matter to him what his ex is giving eldest as she's a different person, whereas he and OP are considered one, so if she's giving her assets to their joint DC, then so is he in his head. And naturally on the other end of things, if he has another child then so does OP, as they are "one".

But you can't really be one entity with your partner when you have fundamental differences such as how many children you have. You need to accept that you are individuals and act accordingly.

Show quote history

Exactly. He’s acting as though they are a nuclear family with the same dynamics and same set of feelings that a nuclear family would have.

bellsandwhistles333 · 02/06/2023 15:48

Agreed.... my DH has 3 other children and one son with me.
My half will go to my son and his will be spilt 4 ways. They also have their mums house however that house has 6 children All together so shares will be low however that's just life isn't it.

Yousee · 02/06/2023 15:59

aSofaNearYou · 02/06/2023 15:30

Completely agree with all this, but I'm guessing it must come from him seeing himself and his wife as one entity, rather than individuals? As "an entity", he feels they should be splitting equally between "their" kids. So it doesn't matter to him what his ex is giving eldest as she's a different person, whereas he and OP are considered one, so if she's giving her assets to their joint DC, then so is he in his head. And naturally on the other end of things, if he has another child then so does OP, as they are "one".

But you can't really be one entity with your partner when you have fundamental differences such as how many children you have. You need to accept that you are individuals and act accordingly.

Show quote history

Come on @aSofaNearYou you know the rules as well as I do. This is that one occasion where according to many on MN the OP does have two children and they are one entity - when they want to justify why her assets should go to her DSC.
In no other circumstances must she get to thinking that she is an equal mother to that child. They already have a mother (whose money doesn't count, DSC must have her SMs money, too).

MeridianB · 02/06/2023 19:14

Your DH is being horribly unfair. Aside from provision for you, his estate should be divided between his two children equally.

Whatever DSD’s mother has or hasn’t got is totally irrelevant. She may have her own assets or estates from her parents to pass on, she may not. The same could be said for OP’s DD’s dad. None of that matters here.

OP, If your DH is not prepared to see sense over this, then it’s horrible for your DD. It would be hard to get past his myopia.

If you want specialist probate advice when making your will then it’s worth finding a STEP member near you: https://www.step.org/

Home Page | STEP

https://www.step.org/

Judgyjudgy · 02/06/2023 22:10

Yousee · 02/06/2023 13:24

Yes , I mean the ex as well. The OP states that the DSD will inherit from her mother.
The father wanted his eldest DD to inherit from her mum, himself and OP, with his youngest only inheriting from himself and OP.
As OP has not agreed to supply her DSD with a further inheritance at her own child's expense, the father has now decided to disinherit his own younger child, who will now inherit only from OP, while his eldest gets all of her mother and fathers assets.
If you still think this is ok now I've broken it rift down for you then I judge you as much as him to be honest.
I didn't discuss this with DH beforehand hand as it never entered my mind as a possibility that anything other than parents splitting assets between their own children was up for discussion.

Show quote history

But surely in the situation where one parent dies first and then the asset goes to the remaining parent, that parent would spilt the asset equally amongst any children. Isn't this just that? I think the option of agreeing it all with the birthmum is probably an impossible task and there's no guarantee they'd honour the agreement, so that as an option is quote unrealistic. I agree with PP re the entity aspect, he obviously trusts his wife to do the right thing, then the ex wife (which makes sense!).

Yousee · 02/06/2023 22:37

Judgyjudgy · 02/06/2023 22:10

But surely in the situation where one parent dies first and then the asset goes to the remaining parent, that parent would spilt the asset equally amongst any children. Isn't this just that? I think the option of agreeing it all with the birthmum is probably an impossible task and there's no guarantee they'd honour the agreement, so that as an option is quote unrealistic. I agree with PP re the entity aspect, he obviously trusts his wife to do the right thing, then the ex wife (which makes sense!).

Show quote history

Nothing has to be agreed with the ex. It's up to her to leave or not leave a legacy for her DD as she sees fit/is able. It's not up to OP to leave her DSD anything.
I told my DH not to trust me. I'd never deliberately see my DSD bumped out of her inheritance but the fact of the matter is that legally she's nothing to do with me. It could quite easily happen through negligence in my dotage, a second marriage after DHs passing after which I go on a three month cruise for my honeymoon and updating the will gets forgotten about etc etc. Better DH just takes care of his child directly (through life insurance for now, rather than a share of the home we are bringing up her much younger siblings in).
What DHs ex does or doesn't do isn't my concern.

Summertimesmile · 02/06/2023 22:43

Whatever you do for yours and your husbands children is your decision but never consider the other mother in this. Whatever she does or doesn’t leave to her child it utterly irrelevant to your decision and should not form part of any thought process

aSofaNearYou · 02/06/2023 22:47

Summertimesmile · 02/06/2023 22:43

Whatever you do for yours and your husbands children is your decision but never consider the other mother in this. Whatever she does or doesn’t leave to her child it utterly irrelevant to your decision and should not form part of any thought process

It's as irrelevant as what OP is leaving to their joint child should be for her DH.

Judgyjudgy · 02/06/2023 23:10

Yousee · 02/06/2023 22:37

Nothing has to be agreed with the ex. It's up to her to leave or not leave a legacy for her DD as she sees fit/is able. It's not up to OP to leave her DSD anything.
I told my DH not to trust me. I'd never deliberately see my DSD bumped out of her inheritance but the fact of the matter is that legally she's nothing to do with me. It could quite easily happen through negligence in my dotage, a second marriage after DHs passing after which I go on a three month cruise for my honeymoon and updating the will gets forgotten about etc etc. Better DH just takes care of his child directly (through life insurance for now, rather than a share of the home we are bringing up her much younger siblings in).
What DHs ex does or doesn't do isn't my concern.

Show quote history

But previously you said they should include the ex? Now you're saying what the ex does, doesn't matter. I would be happy for the house to be split 50:50 because I would view both children as equal and one family unit. If I didn't I wouldn't enter into a relationship with someone that already had children, it sounds too messy and transactional. I've never been one who has been "what's yours is yours, what's mine is mine" so we are probably talking from very different starting points.

Yousee · 03/06/2023 00:00

Judgyjudgy · 02/06/2023 23:10

But previously you said they should include the ex? Now you're saying what the ex does, doesn't matter. I would be happy for the house to be split 50:50 because I would view both children as equal and one family unit. If I didn't I wouldn't enter into a relationship with someone that already had children, it sounds too messy and transactional. I've never been one who has been "what's yours is yours, what's mine is mine" so we are probably talking from very different starting points.

Show quote history

They should include her insofar as they have two children who each have two parents and each of those 3 individuals can make their wills out to their own children as they see fit. The detail doesn't matter. It's not up to OP to make up any potential shortcomings of the ex.
I think we are at different starting points. My home is owned as tenants in common rather than jointly for a start. We are a team of two people rather than one seamless unit. I don't believe I ceased to exist entirely as an individual upon marriage, and I also don't believe I have any financial responsibilities on a par with providing for my own children.
To me, the only children parents should be concerned with treating equally is their own children.