Dreaded WILL conversation

[pippanda]

My DP and I have been meaning to sort out wills out since we bought the house 3 years ago. We now have a 1yr old and he is off to sea in a couple of months so really needs to get it sorted. DP had a daughter who's 10 from a previous so we decided we will do separate Wills instead of a joint as he had his other daughter to consider too. Obviously we have to come to an agreement with what we do with our joint asset of the house. Both of us have life insurance that will pay the house off in the event of our deaths and the house will go to the other one. The problem arose when we spoke about what happens after we both die. In my head three quarters will go to our DD with a quarter going to SD.

However... during this conversation DP thought this was unfair and said as my half would go to DD that his whole half should go to SD... I'm sorry what? In my opinion they are both his daughters so they should have half of his assets each, However I only have one DD in this and I want to protect her assets! And she will inherit of her own mum! This house will also be her childhood home. SD stays with us every other weekend but her home home is with her mum. Am I being unreasonable? Why should our DD receive less of her dad and her sister receive more just because she will be inheriting off me and SD won't? It makes no sense to me but don't know if I'm missing something?

Anyone else I know in a similar situation hasn't even approached the situation of wills yet as they know it will cause murders. Has anyone been in a similar situation? What was your solution?

Also I know this is very morbid apologies xx

This completely

There’s a fair few on this thread who have been neither step parent or step child, that much is clear!

I’m both, so like you have a more nuanced, dare I say accurate, take.

@SemperIdem my own DP has made it crystal clear that I'm to ring fence my own assets for our DD. (This is one of the reasons we aren't married.) There as lesser amount of assets get split between all his DC.

I understand.

My take on co-owning is influenced by past experience and, also going into the relationship with a child already -they are fundamentally my priority. I am completely unwilling to pool resources (somewhere upthread I outlined how we will share property), we are family but I will not see my child lose out, they are an only child with step siblings, not part of a sibling group.

it is really really tricky. A decent solicitor will be able to advise you on your options, this is worth doing before you decide imo.

my DH and I decided to leave everything equally between our 3 children. I have 2, he has 1. I suggested other options but in the end it felt right this way for us. So currently we have left everything to each other with our joint estate being split 3 ways in event of both our deaths. It’s not ideal as one of us could remarry if widowed but we both feel that the surviving spouse would make the right decision in that event and ensure each other’s child/children continues to have their inheritance protected

I think it’s worth considering that a will is absolutely not something that you only make once. How he feels now might change. I do understand his wish to benefit his children equally but can also see your side

DH and I have been together since his kids were small and we now have a joint child. Assets will go to the surviving partner and then split equally between each child. I love my step kids, I love my child and this feels like the fairest way for us. I have the assets I have partly down to having a joint income 🏠, it would be so hard to determine whether something is mine or his to give. So everything is split a third when both of us have popped our clogs
Fingers crossed no Derek or Derekina on the scene post death of one of us.....!!

My sister has a blended family although she married her DH after his DC were adults. My sister owns the house and has 3 adult DC. My BiL has 2 adult DC and sold his house to move in with my sister when they married. My sister will leave her house to be split equally between her 3 DC with her DH having lifetime enjoyment to live there. His 2 DC will inherit 60 percent of his savings (from sale of his house) and my sister will get the other 40 percent plus half his pension for the rest of her life. My sister will also leave her savings to her 3 DC. Her 3 DC will get the same amount each and his 2 DC will get equal amounts but his children and her children will get different amounts and inherit at different times. Her DC won't inherit until their step dad died. His DC might inherit from their own mother but my sister's children's Dad died when they were quite young. I think this is fair but no doubt some would argue each child should get 1/5 each.

Quite an assumption that her mother will leave any assets.

Is it not a reasonable assumption?

Your child to inherit 3/4 from both parents and his child will also inherit 3/4 from both parents. That is absolutely the fairest way.

If he insists, there could be a scenario where if you needed care, and women do usually live longer, and your share was gone. Your DD would inherit zero from both parents, and her half sister would inherit 100%.

Fingers crossed won't cut it. It is very common for men to marry again quite quickly after being widowed.
Sort out proper wills and trusts. You owe it to your children.

So what I mean by this is exactly what you’ve proposed. You leave your 50% to DD. He leaves 25% to DD and 25% to his other child.

Perhaps, if you live in a middle class bubble.

I think it makes no difference actually, each parent shares their assets equally between their own children. In this case all children have a mother and a father each. It might be different if one parent had already died. I also think it is unfair when parents leave different amounts of inheritance to their DC because some of their children are better off than other ones.

Bold of you, to assume

The whole point of this post is about protecting my daughters assets and that's what you would take from it? I'd have to be a pretty horrible human. Everything I do is for her and her future

I truly think people get too hung up on this stuff.

You might need those assets more than her, to pay for care in your old age (for one or both of you). Or just to have a comfortable retirement with some nice holidays as a reward for all those years of working.

The greatest gifts you can give to her are the mindset and skills and education to earn her own money.

@endofthelinefinally it was a lighthearted comment! We have wills stating clearly how any assets (if we have any) Will be divided up. It was more a comment highlighting that you can't legislate for everything. Either of us getting remarried would annul the wills after the death of the other. I trust my husband he would look after the kids after I popped my clogs if I went first. And if not and Derekina got it all, our kids also know that inheritance isn't a guarantee. Life is too short to worry about all the permutations that might happen in the future. All you can do is plan as far ahead as you can and let your kids know those plans.

I understand where you are coming from, but I also understand him too. There's no guarantee SD will get anything from her mum. It's a tough one and I don't think there is one right answer

The ops stepchild has two parents to inherit from, this plan isn’t equal at all as the sdc will inherit also from their mum. It’s a terrible plan and would be relationship ending for me that my Dh wanted to leave NOTHING to his child just because his child with me is on my will. His child with his ex is on her will.

Nah his half goes in trust for both his kids. Or half his half for DD and half shared DC directly if old enough.

You need to make sure you own the house as tenants in common I think it is for this to work though. So rather than owning 100% jointly you need to own 50% each. Then it can be put in trust that allows you to live there until you remarry or something like that. There can be provision made for you to be able to downsize etc too
You need a solicitor a proper one.

And yeah you need to decide who you want to be guardian of your child. And DH needs to decide who he'd like to look after his should mum and he die. That bit isn't binding obviously.

I really wouldn't be so flippant about the derek/derekina situation. It happens a lot, so much that solicitors often put in a clause about remarriage in the will when the trust is mentioned.

Though. You get the parents you have.

I have seen some utterly tragic outcomes for children due to parents not planning properly.
The worst was two young teenagers forced out of their home having lost their mother to cancer at a very early age. Their father married again about 5 years later and sadly died suddenly, having not made a new will on his marriage.
The widow had the locks changed and the kids deposited on their grandparents' doorstep within days.
Fortunately the grandparents were able to take them in but money was tight, given that the grandparents had gifted their late daughter and son in law their life savings as a deposit for the house (which second wife put on the market more or less straight away). It was a gift, not a loan, so no redress in law.
All completely avoidable.
I can think of at least 5 other examples just among my own friends and family. People just don't understand the law.

Huh?

Tough even!