Dreaded WILL conversation

[pippanda]

My DP and I have been meaning to sort out wills out since we bought the house 3 years ago. We now have a 1yr old and he is off to sea in a couple of months so really needs to get it sorted. DP had a daughter who's 10 from a previous so we decided we will do separate Wills instead of a joint as he had his other daughter to consider too. Obviously we have to come to an agreement with what we do with our joint asset of the house. Both of us have life insurance that will pay the house off in the event of our deaths and the house will go to the other one. The problem arose when we spoke about what happens after we both die. In my head three quarters will go to our DD with a quarter going to SD.

However... during this conversation DP thought this was unfair and said as my half would go to DD that his whole half should go to SD... I'm sorry what? In my opinion they are both his daughters so they should have half of his assets each, However I only have one DD in this and I want to protect her assets! And she will inherit of her own mum! This house will also be her childhood home. SD stays with us every other weekend but her home home is with her mum. Am I being unreasonable? Why should our DD receive less of her dad and her sister receive more just because she will be inheriting off me and SD won't? It makes no sense to me but don't know if I'm missing something?

Anyone else I know in a similar situation hasn't even approached the situation of wills yet as they know it will cause murders. Has anyone been in a similar situation? What was your solution?

Also I know this is very morbid apologies xx

This. See a solicitor- a STEP one and make sure it's watertight.

Agree with you.

My Mum has 2 children with my Dad.
He also has a child from his first marriage

The will says that their estate is split in half, her half is split 2 ways, his half is split 3 ways, so my half brother gets 1/6 of the total, and also inherits from her mum

Oh! 🤣 Erm not really, any responsibile parent wants to make provisions for all of their children. Like I said I don't know what the best solution is, but if you care you'd account for all scenarios. Like PP you want to make sure your kids are ok if the worst happens. I have a DH who's mum died at a young age and life was not good for him and his siblings once his shitty father married the second and even third time. I can see why her DH would halve his share with his two children, it's a fair choice. Not the only one, but a reasonable one. I actually commend DH for giving this proper thought.

😂 Me too, my first thought was, Oh who's taking them out to sea then?

Time for ☕☕😁

But that's the point - his older child will also inherit from her own mother, so if he leaves his entire half to her too then she will be getting a bigger proportion than the younger child. The only way to treat them equally is for each parent to split their share between their own children.

Is bio-mum likely to leave anything inheritance-wise?

I think overall parity is best for the kids.

I don’t think your DP is being a dick with that logic, so your “excuse me, what..?” Response is a bit harsh. What he’s seeing is both kids getting an equal share. But if bio-mum has a mansion or whatever, I’d definitely tweak the balance so kids inherit more equally overall. Not an exact science obvs.

The DH doesn't want to halve his share between both children, he wants to give all of his share to his eldest and leave the youngest nothing.
It takes alot of twisting and turning to argue that this is fair or equal or commendable.

I'm amazed how many pp think 3/4 to joint child and 1/4 to previous child is fair, on the justification that the other child may inherit from their mother. Surely you make decisions for your household only and equal split to all children is the only way. You can never have equity for your children in life. So one may inherit from someone else but the other may marry someone from a wealthy family or be robbed by fraud or lose a partner young etc etc. You cannot ensure they have the same amount of money in the future but you can show you are one united household and split assets equally. I also agree with pp, surely the existing child , who is now inheriting less , could argue that subsequent children have impacted on their inheritance? Does the dad earn more , put more value into the assists that are now going to be split in joint children's favour?
Do you take this attitude while you are alive? So joint child gets extra holidays with you because first child gets one with Mum, or more birthday presents from you etc ?

What you have suggested is correct, and what is generally done. His half is divided amongst his children, yours goes to your child. SD will also inherit from her mother, so it is fair.

@salmonlinguineplease are you a stepmum?

I don't intend to leave my money to children I didn't decide to bring into the world. For me, it really is that simple.

Floofydawg I am a step child, who was treated wonderfully by my step mum, who made it clear that it was not my fault to " arrive" before my Dad met her and had more children. She knew my Dad came as a package. As a result I have a wonderful relationship with my siblings that I am very grateful for the older I get. At least your reply was honest!

Oh I see, I must've misread. Is that then based on the assumption that the OP gives hers to their joint child I assume. I honestly don't know what I'd do in this situation, but I wouldn't just assume my first child would be inheriting off their birth mum, so I can see why he might do it that way because then the house is split 50:50. If first child inherits from the mum then second child could be said to be worse off. If first child doesn't, then it is fair. If the house is split let's say with majority to second child, and first child doesn't inherit from birth mother then first child is worse off. I can see why DH is doing it that way because the only thing he has control of is his half of the house. Without knowing more info, there's every chance that the birth mum might marry again or even OP could. More children could xome along. Anything could happen. I think DH is being logical, once you add emotion into the mix it makes it complicated.

As things currently stand, non married people will have to pay IHT when the DP dies

He’s a father of two, so the amount he leaves to each of his children should reflect that. He should leave his half to his TWO children, and you leave your half to your ONE child.

What he’s saying is that he personally is leaving his youngest nothing.

This is on par with dads showering their eldest with treats and not the youngest because their youngest went out with their own mum for the day and it needs to be compensated for.

Been through this! 2 DSD, 1DD together, he wouldn’t budge… my daughter gets my half his half is split between DSD… it was a compromise with there being 2 of them however, my husband expected us to split equally 3 ways the lot I said no way, they have a mum!

You've just argued against yourself.
Everything you said about his first child is also true of his second. Might or might not inherit from mum, mum might or might not marry again, one mother will die before the other leaving one child "worse off" if they don't inherit at exactly the same time as their sibling .
The least complicated thing is for all three adults to split their estate equally between their own children, however many children that may be.
Everything else is just second guessing the future and setting the children up for alot of hurt and angst in the future.

You're right. He's effectively disinheriting his younger daughter if he does this. He needs to see sense.

Oh I see, I must've misread. Is that then based on the assumption that the OP gives hers to their joint child I assume. I honestly don't know what I'd do in this situation, but I wouldn't just assume my first child would be inheriting off their birth mum, so I can see why he might do it that way because then the house is split 50:50. If first child inherits from the mum then second child could be said to be worse off. If first child doesn't, then it is fair. If the house is split let's say with majority to second child, and first child doesn't inherit from birth mother then first child is worse off. I can see why DH is doing it that way because the only thing he has control of is his half of the house. Without knowing more info, there's every chance that the birth mum might marry again or even OP could. More children could xome along. Anything could happen. I think DH is being logical, once you add emotion into the mix it makes it complicated.

No, it isn't fair. The important thing isn't that they inherit the same amount, it is that they both inherit equally to each other from their own parents. So yes, it makes no difference if SD's mum is leaving her anything.

He's effectively trying to force a situation where OP has to leave half to his Dd - as he would like the situation to be but it isn't - by doing this. He is relying on her to provide for their DD so he can disinherit her and focus all his attention on his older child. If he were doing that with his first DD, leaving her nothing because he knows her mum will cover it and then he can focus on giving his subsequent child an "equal" amount, would anyone say that was fair?

Unlike the multiple threads on here where people ask "What to do I spend my 250k inheritance on" - Only an estimated 30% of the UK population receive any kind of inheritance.
So no, it's not a reasonable assumption.

He is relying on her to provide for their DD so he can disinherit her and focus all his attention on his older child. If he were doing that with his first DD, leaving her nothing because he knows her mum will cover it and then he can focus on giving his subsequent child an "equal" amount, would anyone say that was fair?

Exactly! It would be, “It doesn’t matter if their mum is leaving something for his first child, he can’t just disinherit them in favour of his youngest!”

Well, he’s doing that to his youngest. Disinheriting his youngest in favour of his eldest, because he’s relying on youngest’s mum to see to his youngest and he can’t focus all of his attention on his eldest. Why why why is that all ok and fair game just because it’s his eldest???

Even in death, dads treat their youngest children like shit compared to the golden eldest child.

The best thing you can leave your DDs when you die is a solid relationship with each other.

For one sister to inherit far more from their shared father than the other, will put a tremendous strain on their relationship with each other.

He needs to treat them equally. The money is secondary to the relationships.

We’re trusting each other to be decent human beings. We love our children and I love my step son. I know what you mean but we’re happy with our set up.

We had a similar conversation.

My 2 DSDs live with us full time, so I wanted to make sure I recognised them properly in my will, but equally, their maternal family will also recognise them. And frankly, their wealth is significant.

Ours are split 50% to our joint daughter, and 25% each to the DSDs. We are all our DD has got, my DSDs have a whole separate branch of inheritance which will also come their way.

We discussed this with the eldest at the time (she's 18) and she agreed. It's awkward, but vital. Last thing I want is sibling arguments after we're gone, they'll need each other.

"We’re trusting each other to be decent human beings. We love our children and I love my step son. I know what you mean but we’re happy with our set up".

I completely understand. I trust my DH totally too. It is other people I don't trust.
The carer who forged DH's cousin's will. Still not resolved after 10 years.
The carer who married my friend's terminally ill brother when he was days away from dying. She got his house and his pension and his children got nothing. Still going through court and the legal fees are racking up.
Sadly, it is often not the fault of the loving partner, things can go wrong if they become sick or vulnerable.

But I am aware that my experiences have coloured my views and everyone must make their own arrangements. Hopefully after doing some reading.

There are so many scenarios to think about. Go to sort your wills out together. Whoever you go to will point out the down falls of the course each of you want to take and listen to both of your reasonings.
If you don't go together then you will not know what's in your partner's will until the worst happens!