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Original poster

Dreaded WILL conversation

160 replies

pippanda · 01/06/2023 19:18

My DP and I have been meaning to sort out wills out since we bought the house 3 years ago. We now have a 1yr old and he is off to sea in a couple of months so really needs to get it sorted. DP had a daughter who's 10 from a previous so we decided we will do separate Wills instead of a joint as he had his other daughter to consider too. Obviously we have to come to an agreement with what we do with our joint asset of the house. Both of us have life insurance that will pay the house off in the event of our deaths and the house will go to the other one. The problem arose when we spoke about what happens after we both die. In my head three quarters will go to our DD with a quarter going to SD.

However... during this conversation DP thought this was unfair and said as my half would go to DD that his whole half should go to SD... I'm sorry what? In my opinion they are both his daughters so they should have half of his assets each, However I only have one DD in this and I want to protect her assets! And she will inherit of her own mum! This house will also be her childhood home. SD stays with us every other weekend but her home home is with her mum. Am I being unreasonable? Why should our DD receive less of her dad and her sister receive more just because she will be inheriting off me and SD won't? It makes no sense to me but don't know if I'm missing something?

Anyone else I know in a similar situation hasn't even approached the situation of wills yet as they know it will cause murders. Has anyone been in a similar situation? What was your solution?

Also I know this is very morbid apologies xx

OP posts:
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Original poster
pippanda · 01/06/2023 19:46

LindorDoubleChoc · 01/06/2023 19:42

There's no guarantee his DD will inherit from her mother. Her mother might need care in old age and have to sell everything.

The same could happen to me though and then our DD gets nothing but his other daughter still inherits from him? All the more reason for him to split equally.

OP posts:
Kittykatmeowzers · 01/06/2023 19:49

Those saying about giving any of DH estate to DD now, that would mean if he died tomorrow then OP would have to sell the house to potentially hand that over

SilverPeacock · 01/06/2023 19:51

I think you are misunderstanding the previous poster OP. They are pointing out that if dp does not leave anything to your dd he is not protecting her. It’s not that they think you are going to run off with Derek!

Halftermdaysathome · 01/06/2023 19:53

Whatevergetsyouthroughthenight · 01/06/2023 19:23

I’m more concerned about your 1yr old going off to sea in a couple of months!

😂 I thought this too

ArcticSkewer · 01/06/2023 19:55

He would be very stupid to leave his half to you. The fairest option that means his dd will not be disinherited is for it to go in trust for his children (both of them).

If he died soon and you remarried, potentially all that money, including yours, could go to your new partner.

Alternatively you may decide to leave it all to your children together and not his other dd.

Trusts can be set up so that the partner has the right to the house for life or until cohabitation for example

ArcticSkewer · 01/06/2023 19:57

Kittykatmeowzers · 01/06/2023 19:49

Those saying about giving any of DH estate to DD now, that would mean if he died tomorrow then OP would have to sell the house to potentially hand that over

No it doesn't. It's a very simple process to set it up properly, including the right to sell and buy another property.

Ywudu · 01/06/2023 19:57

What would happen if you had another child together?
SD gets his 50% and your children together get half each of your half (25%)
I agree with you op, he splits his 50% between any children he has and you split your half between any you have.

fuckmyuteruslining · 01/06/2023 19:57

@SilverPeacock that's right

OP I'm sure you are a lovely mum. But kids get disinherited all the time and nobody ever thinks it will happen. The same would be if you left everything to him expecting he will protect your daughter. Then he gets sucked in by Derekella (or derek) and she gets nothing. Put it in Trust, always assume the worst and spell out your wishes.

PrincessofWellies · 01/06/2023 19:59

Presumably the step daughter will be left assets from her own mother?

ArcticSkewer · 01/06/2023 20:00

PrincessofWellies · 01/06/2023 19:59

Presumably the step daughter will be left assets from her own mother?

Not if she also trusts her new partner, leaves it all to him to pass on to her daughter and then .....

Yousee · 01/06/2023 20:01

I agree with you OP. Both girls have two parents to inherit from (or not). What he wants is for his elder DD to have 3 helpings of pie and his youngest only 1. Not equal or fair at all.
My DH was of the same opinion originally but I called his bluff and asked him to write a letter to our son explaining why he would receive no inheritance from his Dad. Well, that was an awkward request.
He also could not justify why DSD should receive my money but DS should not get any of his ex's in a way that didn't boil down to taking from our DS to give to his DD rather than just leave it as each child has a mother and father to provide for them.
I'd look him square in the face and ask him why his eldest child deserves more than his youngest, and why his youngest doesn't deserve to be taken care of financially by her father. Why why why. Make him feel awkward.

Original poster
pippanda · 01/06/2023 20:11

fuckmyuteruslining · 01/06/2023 19:57

@SilverPeacock that's right

OP I'm sure you are a lovely mum. But kids get disinherited all the time and nobody ever thinks it will happen. The same would be if you left everything to him expecting he will protect your daughter. Then he gets sucked in by Derekella (or derek) and she gets nothing. Put it in Trust, always assume the worst and spell out your wishes.

Awww I'm with you now! So sorry I misunderstood! Yup that makes sense!

OP posts:
Unexpecteddrivinginstructor · 01/06/2023 20:19

Yousee · 01/06/2023 20:01

I agree with you OP. Both girls have two parents to inherit from (or not). What he wants is for his elder DD to have 3 helpings of pie and his youngest only 1. Not equal or fair at all.
My DH was of the same opinion originally but I called his bluff and asked him to write a letter to our son explaining why he would receive no inheritance from his Dad. Well, that was an awkward request.
He also could not justify why DSD should receive my money but DS should not get any of his ex's in a way that didn't boil down to taking from our DS to give to his DD rather than just leave it as each child has a mother and father to provide for them.
I'd look him square in the face and ask him why his eldest child deserves more than his youngest, and why his youngest doesn't deserve to be taken care of financially by her father. Why why why. Make him feel awkward.

In fact this is an important point if he doesn't want the will contested by your dd. So suggest that his will is going to be more likely to be successful if he writes a letter saying that he considered giving his dd2 (your shared child) a share but decided not to. Otherwise say if he died and all your share had already been spent on care homes leaving dd with nothing, she might contest the will, but this way it is clear that he always intended her to inherit nothing from him, so it will be harder for her to challenge his will. Don't accept an argument that he will rewrite it in that circumstance, you never know when you might lose capacity.

Remember though he can rewrite his will at any time and does not need to let you know.

Original poster
pippanda · 01/06/2023 20:20

caringcarer · 01/06/2023 19:44

I understand how upsetting this must be for you. It's like all his money and love must go to his first DD. Have you pointed out to him that's likely what your dd will think when she's older if he does not split his assets equally between his DD's. I know a family that this happened to, again the father left his half of the house to his elder son with wife having lifetime enjoyment of it. After the father died and the younger son found out he refused to speak to his older step brother anymore. He got depressed and had to have therapy to help him come to terms with it. He told his Mum he knows his Dad never loved him. Your solution is much fairer because his eldest DD could also inherit from her Mum and possibly maternal grandparents too. I'd be so upset if my dh said he would do this. I'd consider it a deal breaker if DH excluded our DC in favour of his older child. There is just no excuse for treating children unequally and will leave a life long scar on them. I'd divorce him rather than let that happen.

I'm very much on the same wave length as ! I told him I'd sell this house and move out before I see that happen and I will set me and my daughter up - obviously I hope it doesn't come to that and he comes to his senses but over my dead body! (For lack of a better term) 🤣

OP posts:
Kittykatmeowzers · 01/06/2023 20:25

@ArcticSkewer
If he leaves half of his estate to his DD, where would that money come from?

Also, hijacking the thread, would DD mum have access to it?

Would DD mum also be able to claim something by way of maintenance payments if dad were to cark it?

My main priority at the moment would be to make sure you’re financially secure should the worst happen.

ArcticSkewer · 01/06/2023 20:29

Kittykatmeowzers · 01/06/2023 20:25

@ArcticSkewer
If he leaves half of his estate to his DD, where would that money come from?

Also, hijacking the thread, would DD mum have access to it?

Would DD mum also be able to claim something by way of maintenance payments if dad were to cark it?

My main priority at the moment would be to make sure you’re financially secure should the worst happen.

It comes from wherever his money is

So his half of the house for example might stay in the trust, his insurance policy might pay off the remaining mortgage or be invested, it might be available to be spent on the children's upbringing or left til they are 25.

It's all written into the trust. It's extremely commonplace and a solicitor can talk them through the main pitfalls.

I definitely think he should be leaving his money to both children. Right now he is disinheriting both his children because he is leaving it to his partner not his kids.

Kittykatmeowzers · 01/06/2023 20:30

@ArcticSkewer
would that not mean that OP would eventually have to sell the house to give the kids their inheritance?

trulyunruly01 · 01/06/2023 20:32

Are you joint tenants or tenants in common.
I'd suggest you become tenants in common and leave your half of the house to your dd with a life interest for him.
It is morbid to think but if you died first, then he remarried then other dc might come into the equation diluting your DD's share further. And it will have been your life insurance that paid for the house.

ArcticSkewer · 01/06/2023 20:37

Kittykatmeowzers · 01/06/2023 20:30

@ArcticSkewer
would that not mean that OP would eventually have to sell the house to give the kids their inheritance?

Not necessarily. Again, you just write your trust how you want

  • life interest, so the partner lives there for life, his share goes to kids on her death
  • can partner sell? downsize? what happens ? money back in trust or not? all outlined in trust
  • if partner remarries, that could be a trigger to end the life interest in house. Or cohabits. Or after a year of cohabitation.

It's incredibly straightforward and commonplace so a solicitor just runs through a few questions and writes it up.

tiggergoesbounce · 01/06/2023 20:44

I just couldn't understand why my DH would want to exclude our DS from his inheritance.
You need to seek advice about different eventualities, but im not sure i could see him the same.

Lizzt2007 · 01/06/2023 20:48

FloweryName · 01/06/2023 19:36

I can understand where both you and your DH are coming from, but I think I have most sympathy with his side of things tbh. He wants both his children to be provided for equally and it’s irrelevant that your dsd only stays eow and the home you live in will be your dds childhood home. The children who belong to your family, which is both of them, should be treated the same imo.

The whole point is he isn't treating them the same. His younger child is inheriting nothing from him, he's giving it all to his eldest child. How is that treating them the same! If he wants to treat them equally he should be splitting his share in half and leaving each child a 50% share of his assets.

lunar1 · 01/06/2023 21:06

I'm married to my children's dad, their inheritance from me is protected. There is no possibility of DH being able to spend that money on randoms he may meet in the future.

All you can do is protect what is yours for your dd. Make sure that at the end of the day your legacy will be hers.

I love my husband, but so so the families where this all goes horribly wrong.

FloweryName · 01/06/2023 21:08

The whole point is he isn't treating them the same. His younger child is inheriting nothing from him, he's giving it all to his eldest child.

Maybe he sees it as them getting the same because ultimately they’d end up with half of the house each. It’s about what they each receive, not what each parent gives.

He might consider himself and both of his children as one family unit even though OP sadly doesn’t.

HVPRN · 01/06/2023 21:10

I totally disagree. The most important aspect is all children within the household are treated equally. You both pool your money, therefore each child gets 50%; solidarity and support to one another when their parents are gone. When you're no longer around, the siblings will only have one another. Why leave a potential rift.

SemperIdem · 01/06/2023 21:11

FloweryName · 01/06/2023 21:08

The whole point is he isn't treating them the same. His younger child is inheriting nothing from him, he's giving it all to his eldest child.

Maybe he sees it as them getting the same because ultimately they’d end up with half of the house each. It’s about what they each receive, not what each parent gives.

He might consider himself and both of his children as one family unit even though OP sadly doesn’t.

They are a family unit, a blended one. There is nothing sad about the op’s take on this.

He is missing the very important point that his older daughter has her own mother.

It is very much his younger child being treated unfairly here.