Dreaded WILL conversation

[pippanda]

My DP and I have been meaning to sort out wills out since we bought the house 3 years ago. We now have a 1yr old and he is off to sea in a couple of months so really needs to get it sorted. DP had a daughter who's 10 from a previous so we decided we will do separate Wills instead of a joint as he had his other daughter to consider too. Obviously we have to come to an agreement with what we do with our joint asset of the house. Both of us have life insurance that will pay the house off in the event of our deaths and the house will go to the other one. The problem arose when we spoke about what happens after we both die. In my head three quarters will go to our DD with a quarter going to SD.

However... during this conversation DP thought this was unfair and said as my half would go to DD that his whole half should go to SD... I'm sorry what? In my opinion they are both his daughters so they should have half of his assets each, However I only have one DD in this and I want to protect her assets! And she will inherit of her own mum! This house will also be her childhood home. SD stays with us every other weekend but her home home is with her mum. Am I being unreasonable? Why should our DD receive less of her dad and her sister receive more just because she will be inheriting off me and SD won't? It makes no sense to me but don't know if I'm missing something?

Anyone else I know in a similar situation hasn't even approached the situation of wills yet as they know it will cause murders. Has anyone been in a similar situation? What was your solution?

Also I know this is very morbid apologies xx

I am in the same situation as you, except it’s me that has 2 children. Our wills leave everything to each other, and in the event of one death, it’s split between both children equally.
You could own the house as tenants in common and in your wills set up a trust so that the person left gets to stay in the house until they remarry / cohabit / go into a home / die then the house can be split however each of you want.

So you think it is fair the the op’s step daughter inherits half of her fathers share in the house, along with whatever her mother leaves her, whilst her younger sibling by her father inherits nothing from him?

That sounds really fair 🥴

This is exactly what we’ve done. We’ve left everything to each other firstly then 3/4 to our child and the other quarter to my DH‘s child, who has his own mother to leave him, money. It seemed very fair to us.

You should leave your half to him in trust for it to be given to your daughter when he dies. Otherwise if you do wills as you suggest and you die first, he can then change his will for it all to go to his daughter, leaving nothing for your joint daughter. Or if you die and he then remarried, his next wife and her children would get your daughters share. You need to protect your share so he can live in the house but when he dies your daughter gets your 100%.

@SemperIdem You're missing the point.
From THIS united household, it should be split evenly. For the sake of the siblings relationship after the parents have gone. Step or otherwise.

Who's to say the OP daughter isn't inheriting a large sum from her maternal grandparents? Who's to say the step daughter receives nothing from her mother. Maybe vice-versa with a sprinkling of new partners/added children.

So yes, OP has asked for opinions, not for people to validate her choice, so I have voiced a different perspective. For me, it is about both children, within a household, seen and treated as equal.

I agree with your DH.

When you both die his children will each get half of the house.

I can see both sides. In your husband’s shoes, I’d see the four of you as a ‘family unit’ and would want both children to receive 50% of the house.

What his older child may (or may not) inherit from her mum would be irrelevant because she’s not part of this ‘family unit’… just like I wouldn’t take possible inheritance from their in-laws into account if they were adults 🤷‍♀️

You’re already making sure one of his children gets half the house, he wants to make sure the other one gets the same.

From your point of view, you’re not a family with two children. You have one child and he has two. And you want to protect your child’s interests.

Whatever you decide to do, make sure the children know your rationale. Either option has the potential to see one of the children hurt, especially if they don’t understand why things have been split in a certain way.

It is very clear that her DH does not want to treat them equally. His elder DD will inherit from her Mum too as will the younger DD from her Mum. So money from Dad should be split 50/50. Why should eldest dd get 3/4 of the pie with his youngest DD only allowed 1/4. He may not realise he is pitting DD's against each other and how will his youngest feel about her older sister knowing he left her everything and herself nothing? The father should treat his 2 children equally. He is behaving disgracefully. Also what happens if they have another child?

We had the same argument. His gets split 4 ways, mine only splits 2 ways. They have a mother to inherit from, if she doesn't have life insurance/house, that is not my problem.

@SemperIdem why is it fair for both Mums to leave their own things to their DD's but the father to only leave his things to one DD? In that situation the youngest DD will likely not want much to do with her elder half sister as seeing her will remind the younger one her Dad did not love her as much. I have seen that exact same situation now both half siblings don't speak any more and the youngest had to have counselling to try to.understand why her Dad did not value her equally.

Will OP's DD get half of his ex wife's house then? Or is she allowed to leave everything to her own DD?

I own 75% of our home. My share will all go to my child, whilst his 25% will be split between his two children. We have no kids together so I guess that makes things slightly less complicated. On the face of it, his kids might think that's unfair. But my child isn't going to be inheriting from his ex wife is she.

I’m not missing your point. I disagree with it.

I don’t think that scenario is fair…read my post again.

Half each of the house is not equal treatment in this instance because that would leave this man’s younger child inherit nothing from him, her father. That would be enormously hurtful.

It’s worth pointing out that wills aren’t set it stone and can quite easily be altered as circumstances change.

As things stand, if OP were to die then her DC is left without a parent from a young age. Money can’t compensate but surely having the security of her financial assets is something is some comfort (mum still playing a role in life after death).

If DSC mum were to declare bankruptcy, for example, then OP can reconsider then.

Things are never, ever going to be 100% even as each child’s circumstances are different and you can’t discount a factor.

Look at it this way, if DSS’s mum buys him a house at 21, I’m not going to buy each of my DC a house and DSS another house to make things ‘even’, they wouldn’t be even because DSS would have 2 houses and my DC would have 1. You can’t discount mum because she’s not part of OP’s family.

Will your child inherit from their father?

Bear in mind that once one partner dies leaving everything to the other, the surviving partner can immediately change their will leaving everything to whoever they like.
If the surviving partner marries again, their will immediately becomes invalid. If they don't make a new will as soon as they marry and unexpectedly die, the new spouse gets everything. This happens so frequently it is something that estate planners emphasise more than anything else.
It is vital that trusts are used to ensure children get whatever you intend them to inherit.

Simianwalk I'm with you, children don't just inherit money, but love, history, family, relationships, a lot of which could easily be ruined by the decisions of posters here. I'm sure some would rather their step siblings got an equal half if it meant a life of feeling equally loved and getting on well, rather than one getting more because the other may inherit from a different parent and all the fall out that may cause .

@salmonlinguineplease
as you will have also read on here then, relationships have been ruined when DC do not receive any inheritance from their father.

Maybe we should sit all the kids down and ask them what they feel is fair, let them write up dad’s will?

Why should one child receive 150% and the other only receive 50%.

A lot of the mess and fall out caused by wills could be eradicated by parents clearly communicating their intentions and why, ahead of their deaths, rather than leaving it to be a magical mystery tour bereaved relatives go on after their passing.

The only assets over which your husband has any control are those in your household. Neither of you what the mother's plans or resources entail, and it is both unfair and unwise to make plans that are predicated on assumptions about other people's resources over which you have no access or involvement.

The home that your husband is providing for both of his children should be the childhood home to both.

You should determine what you plan to do with your interest in the house. He should do the same. All of that may be subject to change based upon so many factors as yet unknown i.e. who dies first, your martial status at the time of the passing, the number of children at the time of the passing, your total asset situation at the time of the passing, etc.

The arguments that you are having at this stage are largely academic and as your family grows and your financial positions change, you will want to revisit and likely update your wills several times.

As someone with half siblings and deceased parents and step-parents you are missing the point.

What other posters have posted about the joint parent is fair e.g. the joint parent splits their assets amongst all their children. The parent of the non-joint children assets only go to their own children.

Why did he expect her to? That's the issue here. Not that she didn't. She didn't have to. Same for the OP.

He will have inherited from his mother...if she was alive/there was anything to pass down.