Huge differences in households how do you manage it?

[Nevergoingtowin]

There is a massive difference in household income between DSS dad's house and his mum's.
This has never been an issue until recently when DSS's mum took a personal decision that didn't go favourably in terms of income. DSS is now struggling to visit us as he feels guilty of our 'life of luxury' versus his mum struggling and living hand to mouth. Giving more maintenance isn't an option. Any ideas on how to manage this?

I'm assuming that an increase in maintenance not being an option is a matter of principle rather than not being able to afford it? I couldn't see my child living in a "hand to mouth" situation if I could afford not to. If you don't want to give money, then I'd make sure he was adequately fed, house warm, enough gas/electric. Also buy him the clothes, school stuff etc he needs. And stating the obvious, but don't rub his nose in it.

There was quite a big difference in earnings between us and DH's ex (although probably not as dramatic as the one described in the first post). However DSS was old enough to realise that hard work often equates to higher earnings and never really made much of it. He had nice stuff at our house, and I think he appreciated it.

Hum

I tried to hide the difference from my DD. Although it was never a case of not having food on the table so perhaps that made it easier

Or perhaps mum is manipulating the situation

Some of the hardest working people I know are on low wages. Not everyone has the academic ability to secure a good enough education for higher paying roles.

I said 'hard work OFTEN equates to higher earnings' as I realise this isn't always the case

This.

How often is he with you and what do you mean by “hand to mouth”?

Is it a case of living off beans on toast in the cold or more not being able to afford a holiday?

What was the decision she made? And what is the current maintenance situation?
Is the child suffering, are we talking about cold and hunger, or just less nice to have stuff like holidays etc?

How old is he?

If he is aware of the difference in finances between the houses, is he also aware that his mother’s own poor decision making caused it?

If his dad can afford to live a life of luxury while they're living hand to mouth then I think his dad should be paying/ contributing more, in the best interests of the child. If he doesn't want to give money why is he not paying for clothes, shoes, clubs etc to free up mum to spend on other essentials?

I couldn’t watch my child live hand to mouth at their other parent’s house whilst I lived in (comparative) luxury. It doesn’t matter if his mum made poor choices or was just unlucky, he’s suffering because of it.

It wouldn’t even matter if it was because the other parent was lazy and selfish with money. If I didn’t trust them to spend extra maintenance wisely, I’d pay for food/send supermarket vouchers and buy any clothes/toiletries my child needed for both homes. Whatever happens in a marriage/divorce, your child’s wellbeing is your responsibility.

If all things are equal then there is often a mismatch - my boyfriend's ex wife's new partner has moved in, who is wealthy. As a blended family with two sets of kids and two salaries, including his very large salary) they do get to go on nice holidays etc - the mix of sexes between her kids and his kids means that they can have a three bed rather than four villa for example. Ex wife also asked for the equity in the family house which was sold, rather than a share of boyfriend's pension, so she's also mortgage free, where he had to start again from scratch.

As a 50/50 dad my boyfriend has a lot less disposable income - we don't live together or share finances. I don't have kids but I cover more than my share on holidays - I pay for "our room" and my flights, he pays for the kids room and flights, and we split meals and fun stuff 50/50, but the kids are aware that there is a difference in household income between their mum's and dad's houses.

Ex and his ex-wife still pool resources for things like Christmas and birthday presents, and educate their kids on how comparison is the thief of joy (ex's new partner goes very overboard with his own kids). They also try to educate the kids on how they are lucky - they have two parents who co-parent amicably, have holidays with both, and try to stress that it's not material things which make a family - it's time, not money, or "things" that make for a happy life.

It's not a case of not paying enough maintenance. DH has helped her out multiple times but just isn't willing to do that anymore. She wants to pull him out of private school, move him to state and transfer the money to help her support herself.
DH pays well above CMS - holidays, clothes, school, sports and pocket money are funded by DH and I. We want him to live with us as much as possible, which in turn would ease the pressure but both refuse.
We both extremely hard, 60+ hours per week. We don't rub anyone's nose in it, but at the weekend we want to relax, eat out, get take out - how do we hide that?
I believe that the situation is being manipulated by her as a form of control.

Depends

If mum has cut down her hours because she wants a better work life balance ( assuming she's not done it for childcare as she had a higher earning job before)

I would explain to dsc that's a valid choice that she's made but it comes with drawbacks aka less money

Everything has a cost and it's good for children to know this.

I would highlight this was a active choice mum made and you have made different choices. Both are valid but both have different outcomes, mum could work more if she wished etc.

Obviously it goes without saying make sure dec has clothes, food essentials

Just want to add that the CMS amount is worked out at 12% of gross weekly salary for one child, 16% for 2. This is a tiny amount, raising a child costs far more than 12% of your income, as any resident parent knows. Any half decent parent should be wanting to pay well above CMS calculation, they really aren't being generous in doing that.

Er no - people forget that maintenance is to help with the child's living costs not mums. Mum needs to work more hours, not sacrifice her child's stable education.

Is she paying for private school? She can't be that hard up if she's able to do that.

Sounds like dad is paying for the school?

Can that be confirmed?

@aSofaNearYou I get the feeling that ops dh is paying for private school and mum wants to take those payments on top of maintenance?

I think but willing to be corrected if wrong

We pay the fees for private school.

So she wants the money for herself/ her household instead of school fees?

if so that’s a strong no CMS is for living expenses you and DH is paying for his DC’s education

Hard as the DC is staying with mum thinking they are supporting mum when not understanding all the facts. Does mum work?

Surely if she takes him out of private school then you stop paying the fees. That's not going to save her any money.

She’s nuts if she thinks she’ll get her paws on the school fees. Have you thought about just not returning him and telling her to take you to court? She wouldn't have the money or the time to get you there.

Does she work the same hours as your household? If not that isn't your responsibility to top up her income is it?

She works part time in a 'hobby' business, she has never worked FT since DSS was born and didn't work at all until DSS was 5.

Is the “life of luxury” in quote marks as it’s a quote from him?! That’s not a quote from him, that’s something she’s said to him, she’s been slagging you off to her child. Not ok.

be clear that if she removes him from private school you will not give her the fees money.