Huge differences in households how do you manage it?

[Nevergoingtowin]

There is a massive difference in household income between DSS dad's house and his mum's.
This has never been an issue until recently when DSS's mum took a personal decision that didn't go favourably in terms of income. DSS is now struggling to visit us as he feels guilty of our 'life of luxury' versus his mum struggling and living hand to mouth. Giving more maintenance isn't an option. Any ideas on how to manage this?

Without knowing what the change is or why it was made, how can we judge?
We're only getting op's version.

@Flopsythebunny because it's not about mum and what she does.

It's not like mums sick or had no agency in the change.

It's about DSC and what's best for them.

the idea of taking a 15yr old out of private school and handing the school fees to the mum instead is ludicrous.

OP’s partner is already covering all the bases and school fees - anything else would not be for the child, but for the mother who seems to believe her choices should be subsidised.

We have a similar situation - DP’s ex decided to work only reduced hours, despite the children now being 13 and 19. In case of emergency or sickness or anything at all, both DP (and I) wfh and live a 5min walk away, so there are never any issues with childcare or similar. DP pays CMS base plus 50%, all clubs, clothes, driving lessons, pocket money and any other incidentals.

When he left, ex and the children stayed in the mortgage free family home. Ex was not working, so he paid her an extra 1000 a month to cover her own expenses until she found a job - it took her two years. Even after she started her job, he let the extra payments stay for 3 months so that she could save it if she wanted.

So, she is living in mortgage free house, chooses to work reduced hours, he covers all child related expenses, even paid for her and the children to go on holiday the first two years post breakup, yet she tells people (including the children) he left her in penury and they live hand to mouth.

If they are cold and hungry then I’m guessing your DH would do something to help, but I’m not sure if this is the case?

Presumably his mother could work full time and chooses not to?

At 15 he should be able to understand differences in income and money management and the reasons behind this. Of course that doesn’t help him with feelings of guilt, but it is a reality he should be aware of. Is it possible that these feelings are more acute for him because he’s seeing how wealthy pupils live at his private school?

She could work, but she is refusing to work for anyone else but herself and her business isn't sustainable from we can understand. I get the impression that she makes him feel
guilty for enjoying his time with us, we take him out for dinner / lunch etc. so the easiest path is just not to come.
She's made comments in the past, that DH and I are to blame for her being unable to buy a home, work full time and that I 'stole' the lifestyle that should have been hers. I feel that guilt is now being pushed into DSS.

Did you? Steal the lifestyle she could have had? You both work but is lifestyle mainly due to your partner?
I appreciate you may not have stolen her man and they may have split due to other reasons .....

In any case she sounds entitled and bitchy and is not wanting the best for her son

It's impossible for anyone to steal the life she should have had. Even if they had an affair as people keep nosily trying to establish - that would be him deciding he doesn't want to be with her anymore. So it wasn't the life she would have had, he wasn't willing to provide it for her.

It's just misogynistic nonsense.

You and your DH need to stand firm against the guilt nonsense. He does enough, too much maybe, perhaps he has enabled her attitude? Anyhoo, that doesn't matter now. Maintain boundaries and she will soon realise she needs to stand on her own two feet.

@aSofaNearYou what is misogynistic nonsense? Women not having to climb the career ladder and living off their high earning spouse?

@chopc I think sofa was calling out on what you put, was assumption that you made which is op was living off her DH money.
Like women can't earn or out earn her dh.

You can't steal anyone's life... literally

This, plus the idea that if a man leaves his wife for another woman, she has "stolen her life" rather than him having ceased to be willing to provide said life for her.

@aSofaNearYou @candlesflamesandbrooms no I get what you are saying. But OP's DH's ex WAS living off her husband and enjoying the lifestyle his money provided that she doesn't have access to anymore

Of course women can outearn their husbands - however in this particular case, the ex wasn't and I was wondering if OP does or they are equal or he earns significantly more than her

Of course no one can literally steal anyone else's life. And I don't think the ex meant it literally. Just that the OP is living a life that she thought she would ........

Kids a generally accepting I would definitely think this is been driven by her

there isn’t much u can do tbh by the sounds of it you more than support DSS but think she expects you to bank roll her as well

she lost my vote when she makes no effort to help herself and projects it onto DSS

The boy is not a parcel to be returned or not.

So true. The bitter first wife brigade can never accept that a husband leaves because he wants to. Their narrative has to include a scheming woman who turned his head and stole him away.

Just at this stage I'd like to add, between DH and I - I'm the highest earner and on the path to continue to do so and his ex was never his wife they never married, it was a very short lived relationship she seems to believe she is entitled to our lifestyle, that it's mostly generated by DH. When in fact it's really my salary that's allows her to be supported to such an extent.

Well I’d be stopping that immediately, to be honest.

Over my cold dead body would I support my step children’s mother’s lifestyle.

Yeah agree with above poster, why on earth are you subsidising his ex partner? That isn't her that's allowing that, it's your husband. Why does your husband think that his ex is entitled to your money? You are financially supporting someone who is capable of working more and chooses not to. My OH would never ask of such a thing from me.

This is yet another tale of a man who expects another woman to support his first family. Seems its a tale as old as time. If you decided to do this off your own back, which I doubt, then you need to ask yourself why. Is it to please your DH?

I’d stop the maintenance, then she will have to get a job.

Beyond that I wouldn’t worry about it, there’s nothing you can do.

Er, can you not project and generalise please? This is a thread about a specific situation. Referring to ‘the bitter first wives club’ is as misogynistic as can be. Women who happen to have been some bloke’s first wife are individuals same as anyone else. Some of them will be bitter about their exs, some of them will have cause and others won’t.

How’s she going to support herself in 3 years? Are you and your earned income going to be continuing to pay towards her lifestyle? Why are you paying a penny towards her now? She’s your husband’s ex, she’s nothing to you.

I don't pay her directly, but the fact that we both earn well put us/him in a position to be able to support her to this extent already.
We split everything 50/50 (mortgage etc) then what ever we have left is ours. He uses his money to support DSS, leaving me with more disposable income. I save more, both family and personal savings, plus spend more on me and generally contribute more to big purchases. We have separate accounts.
We could live on one wage but we choose not to so we can send DSS to private school, holidays etc and have a nice lifestyle. Both our jobs are very stressful, but we made the decision to stay in them until DSS is 18, then reassess. Plan as it stands is to direct his maintenance to him to get him through uni then we are done.
We are currently both saving towards a car for him, what ever he is able to save from a job this year and birthday money. We will match.
DH Is certainly not taking advantage of me or living off me. When we met he earned more, he is older and I've just caught up quickly due to hard work and luck!

Fair enough OP, you are a better woman than I am 😊 back to DSS feeling guilty though, unfortunately that's just something you are going to have to front out. You and his father have nothing to feel guilty about so you need to respond as such. Hes old enough to be aware that his father provides above and beyond and that you subsidise this and also that hard work pays off. It sounds like you work bloody hard, own it and be proud. Hopefully your DSS follows this path and doesn't expect handouts for the rest of his life like his mother.

How much are they actually struggling op? Is he being fed properly at home? Is he living in a house with adequate access to power etc? Are they at risk of losing the house or bailiffs knocking on the door?

Obv expecting her GCSE aged child to move to a state school so the ex can send her thousands of pounds of spending money is ludicrous tho