Huge differences in households how do you manage it?

[Nevergoingtowin]

There is a massive difference in household income between DSS dad's house and his mum's.
This has never been an issue until recently when DSS's mum took a personal decision that didn't go favourably in terms of income. DSS is now struggling to visit us as he feels guilty of our 'life of luxury' versus his mum struggling and living hand to mouth. Giving more maintenance isn't an option. Any ideas on how to manage this?

So she wants his dad to stop paying school fees and pay the money to her instead?

Could you buy DC school clothing and load the dinner card with money each week. Then at least you'd know he was getting a hot meal every day. Could you pay for an activity he can do too. My nephew used to do this as well as pay the maintenance. He didn't trust his ex not to spend any extra cash on herself as she spent the 2 DC birthday money on herself grandparents had sent and he was furious. After that he said we were not to send his DC money again but he said to just choose a gift for them. He also saved money for them after finding out his ex had drawn out the children's money they had been given as babies. He replaced it all for them and they got it when 18.

I'd be telling her if she pulls SC out of independent school then there will be no SD school fees for you to pay. She won't be getting anymore money from him. She needs to get a job.

How old is DSS? I don't really understand why this is even on his radar unless it's something his mum discusses with him, which she shouldn't. I don't mean his mum not having much money, but the guilt that he shouldn't visit you because you do. He goes to private school, so is surrounded by people with money and it seems strange he is suddenly thinking like this unless he's got his mum in his ear about it all the time. It isn't his dad's job to make up the wage of someone who works part time. She needs to get a different job. When he DS is 18 and she's not receiving any maintenance and benefits would be considerably cut, what's she going to do then?

So to clarify.. your DH pays maintenance AND private school fees? Only asking as I know a few cases where the school fee paying parent thought that meant they didn't need to pay maintenance as well.

It isn't fair to ask a child to live predominantly at one parents house just because they have more money.

Well she needs to work like most of us...

You don’t need to hide it or be ashamed of working for a nice lifestyle. If his mum wants more money, she can get a job.

True.

But by that same token, if one of the households wants more money. They need to get a full time job, not take their child out of stable education and expect that money that's paid for school fees to subsidise their lifestyle.

It's wholly unreasonable to then complain to their child that they don't have enough money by comparison of the other household and make their child feel guilty.

If this was a dad doing this ? How many people would be jumping down his throat ? Rightfully so tbh

True, other options are

• Mum works full time so they can give the nice lifestyle to their DC
• Mum accepts that their choice to not work FT means their DC have a modest lifestyle when living with them

I think the issue is not that the DS has to go without at his mum's but that he observes his DF living a more luxurious life than his DM .

How old is he? I also think she has said something to him

Very cheeky of her if she expects to keep the school fees, then.

I would just carry on as you are tbh. Sounds like his dad is more than reasonable in terms of providing and you don't have to hide being well off. His mum and dad don't share a life, their finances will be different.

It doesn't sound like she has his interests at heart if she wants to sacrifice the stability of DSS's education rather than working more hours or cutting back elsewhere.

I think DSS's father needs to have a convo with her about how moving schools and handing over the maintenance money is just not going to happen. If you're worried DSS might going hungry, I'd maybe arrange for a few grocery shops to be delivered with essentials and with his favourites. And suggest the mum speaks to Citizens Advice/StepChange.

Do they actually live hand to mouth or is this just a way of expressing that he feels comparatively less well off than when he’s with you?

If he was going cold or hungry at his mums then I would help out more now but on the condition that his mum starts looking for a full time job. If he lives perfectly comfortably just with fewer luxuries then you shouldn’t worry IMO.

It's tough shit. The parents choose the live they choose.

Do NRPs with money not get how offensive it is to the RP who is struggling to say - our child can live with us and that will reduce your costs. Effectively sticking the boot in and saying your can not provide for your child ( circa bad parent) and we are better at it so we will reduce the time youe see them.

This particular mother is struggling because of her own poor decision making, the op has alluded to this but actually very much not stuck the boot in by sharing details of what it was.

I’d probably be less thoughtful to my ex, had he been such a colossal idiot, to be honest.

Just to be clear we pay
maintenance
Schools fees
Clothing
An extra sport + the responsibility cost of travelling to the sport
Pocket money (direct into his account that is connected to our bank, she doesn't have access)
Holidays, birthdays and Christmas's
He is 15

RP here - if mum says I can't work full time due to childcare costs etc actually having the child more does help because it enables you to work and earn your own money

However if want to work part time you have to cut your cloth accordingly. Neither the government or your ex is there to enable you to work part time. Maintenance is not a life time chain. When children hit 18 many people give directly to the child so it's worth noting it's not a forever thing and not to rely on it (death illness bad luck etc happen)

Ops been v kind to mum here actually by what she's put. I would have put "mum wants us to stop paying for DSc private school fees which we pay for, move him to public school and us send her the fees money (on top !! Of maintenance ) so that she can work part time. And now is filling DSc ears with posion trying to make him feel guilty for her lack of work ethic"

But then there are some RP on here like me I imagine who see people using their kids and pay per view and get really ticked off because we get lumped in with mums such as ops describing.

Just how badly are they struggling?

Your posts don't add up. At first you say that mum has made a massive change to her life which has led to them living hand to mouth, then you say that mum has always worked more of a hobby business.
What change has she made recently?

If she sells on etsy, her shop may have been put into reserve like thousands of others for no reason which means no income for up to 90 days at a time

What about ops posts don't add up ?

She's been pretty clear and people are bending over backwards to make op into some type of demon and mum into a saint.

Mums ok to start a business selling moon rock or whatever that's fine.

What isn't fine is that she expects op and her dh to take DSc out of a school that's privately paid for by dad. And that money get sent to mum on top of maintenance so that mum can sell said moon rock and work part time.

That is ridiculous.

She hasn't been pretty clear at all. She hasn't said what's changed recently to put them in a position of living hand to mouth.
Op says that mum works part time, presumably a sole trader and has never worked full time. So, what's this big change?

@Flopsythebunny I imagine that op is being kind to mum by not sharing her business on the internet.

Op has asked for advice on how to handle this with DSC and to make sure they aren't being unfair to dac. She not asking for people to judge mum on what she's doing.

What mum does for a living is frankly no one's business, she can do as she likes. That's her choice. But those choices have consequences and frankly op and her dh don't have to finance mums part time work/lifestyle at the detriment of DSCs education.

Even if mum job was feeding starving children in Africa. Mum is responsible for mums standards of living. They are jointly responsible for dsc (well dad is).
They are clearly pulling their weight in terms of dsc, mums made a choice that's effected her income (which is fine) but she could make some different choices that wouldn't up end HER OWN CHILDS EDUCATION.

Kids are not literal versions of pay per view. It's disappointing that some people not prioritise their children over themselves.

I say this as a mum

Whatever the change, the idea that the solution is to take a 15 year old out of their school (presumably mid-GCSEs) and give the mum the money instead is absurd.