Huge differences in households how do you manage it?

[Nevergoingtowin]

There is a massive difference in household income between DSS dad's house and his mum's.
This has never been an issue until recently when DSS's mum took a personal decision that didn't go favourably in terms of income. DSS is now struggling to visit us as he feels guilty of our 'life of luxury' versus his mum struggling and living hand to mouth. Giving more maintenance isn't an option. Any ideas on how to manage this?

I think the ability to pay rent is in danger, if I'm honest. But she has local family she can move into if needed, and DSS can live with us.

This must be an incredibly frustrating situation for you.

I don't understand why she doesn't get a better paying job instead of pursuing her hobby business.

I say this as someone who did shifts at Tesco and drove a taxi for a year to provide for my DC before getting re-trained to my current profession.

I also make wax melts and room fragrance sprays etc as a hobby - I'd love to sell them and make an income from them but that's just a pipe-dream!

She's massively in the wrong for making DSS feel guilt for her poor decisions. It leaves you in an impossible situation really - speaking rationally about this to DSS to try and alleviate his guilt will potentially make him defensive of her and you could risk alienating him. Poor lad.

Does she claim any benefits?

By the sounds of it the decrease in income was due to a personal choice.

I wouldn't want to see my own child go without but there's a fine line between supporting someone because of financial circumstances and topping up someone else's lifestyle choices.

@itsgettingweird yes I understand that, but ultimately I couldn't go on "nice holidays" and eat out in "nice restaurants" knowing that my dc was facing homelessness and/or going without essentials. Even if their other parent was a twat.

It’s irrelevant what you pay, you don’t need to justify that to anyone let alone a bunch of strangers on MN. DSS mum is a grown woman & her poor choices are on her, it’s not your fault she’s dumb. There’s nothing to manage, just carry on with your life as you usually do

If you both work 60+ hours a week then why do you want him to live with you as “much as possible”?

Who does school holidays, inset days, bank holidays, illness, emergencies, school daytime events, medical and dental apts? As it isn’t your DH if he is working 60+ hours a week

If you follow that logic to its natural conclusion though, she would have no incentive not to rely on them entirely. Yes it's tough knowing your kids are going without certain things but if you're not willing to tough that out so she has no choice but to ensure she has her own income, then you could end up entirely funding another household.

If you both work 60+ hours a week then why do you want him to live with you as “much as possible”?

Who does school holidays, inset days, bank holidays, illness, emergencies, school daytime events, medical and dental apts? As it isn’t your DH if he is working 60+ hours a week

He's 15, so daytime school events are presumably much less, and he won't need someone watching him all school holiday and every inset day. Plenty of children have two parents working full time at a much younger age.

It's such a difficult situation. Potentially losing his home will have an affect and the disparity in lifestyles is going to be stark for him, especially if his DM is pointing it out or badmouthing you both.

If he's 15 and they are evicted, they will be rehomed by the Council but this may be a hotel room temporarily.

He’s 15 🤣 do you think he’s spending his inservice days and holidays with Mummy FFS? Any excuse for the bio mum not to work/contribute on here sometimes!

@aSofaNearYou thats why some kids go into care, because a parent doesn't give enough of a sh*t to feed/house/clothe their dc. The OP is saying that she already isn't paying the rent, if losing your home isn't enough to kick you into jobseeking I'm not sure what will.

From reading your posts I knew this would be the case, as it was in mine with my EXDP, and with many second marriages.

I earned more than double what my EXDP did, and paid most of the household expenses plus holidays away, yet his EXDW would go round telling mutual friends that the reason he wasn't giving her enough money was because he was spending it all on me!

Exactly.

it also doesn’t set a great example for the kids to facilitate this sort of behaviour IMO.

I think you should respect the fact that DS's wants to live with his mum. Fair enough to not pay any more maintenance.

The mum will have to sort something out for herself, but being judgmental is not going to help your DSS.

I imagine it is difficult for DSS and his mum if he is at a private school if they don't have a private school lifestyle.

Are the school fees on top of the maintenance? If so she might need to money to pay for bedroom, heating, food etc rather than private school

She’s said it is several times. If mum needs more money there’s nothing stopping her earning it.

Hard work doesn't equate to higher pay. Lots of people work extremely hard and get paid fuck all for it.

@kirinm you'll see that I posted "hard work OFTEN equates to higher earnings", not that it always does

Again. School fees are on top of maintenance and paid directly to school.
Agree not everyone is paid fairly but f**k me I put a shift in, as does DH. This isn't someone who works in a poorly paid industry (early childhood or care for example), but someone who is expecting their lifestyle to be supplemented due to a personal preference to only work for themselves.

@Nevergoingtowin some people absolutely will avoid all common sense when it comes to mums actions on this board.

It's the reverse of sm who are by natural assumption of some posters = to the devil.

As you said she needs to actually pick up hours, not steal her ds education because she doesn't want to work full time

The problem you have OP is that Mumsnet is, unfortunately, notorious for not seeing the side of a step parent and ALWAYS siding with Mum, regardless of weather she is right or wrong.

It is clear you and DH are paying above and beyond for his son, through choice. The fact that you are willing to subsidise your husband / household to financially support a child that isn't yours, is commendable. That being said, if the boy wants to stay with his mother then there is, simply, nothing that can be done about this - especially when he is in his teens.

I think just keep doing what you are doing. Provide her with maintenance and your son with his education. If you are already paying uniform / clubs / pocket money etc and above CMS recommendations, then you have to question what the money is actually going towards? Mum should earn more money if she wants it and not demand her child's school fees to cover her spending (?!) - it really is that simple.

What @RayofSunshine18 said. Even if you threw money at BM I doubt it would be spent in a way that would solve the disparity, it sounds like you all have different values. I just don’t understand this MN thinking that Dads are bottomless pits of cash and should just throw cash at their ex because they once had a child together…! It’s up to BM if she wants to better her lifestyle, this isn’t a young child and it sounds like he’s being well provided for by his dad.

There’s only a few years left, if dss doesn’t want to stay at his current school for 6th form, then allow it to be his choice, but be clear to both him and then your DHs ex that if he picks a cheaper or free school for years 12&13, you won’t be giving him/her the difference. (Also worth having the conversation if he wants to move to a more expensive school what you can afford!)

To those laughing at a child of 15 'needing childcare'.
This actually depends completely on the 15 yr old.
Sure, a 15yo who does fuck all except from a local school and gaming needs no childcare.
But a 15yo heavily in to sport for example, may need a whole tonne of ferrying about. So, no, a single parent can't both work 60 hours a week and provide this.
Also, he hasn't always been 15.

That ferrying around is a want, not a need though.
When I was that age I was only allowed to do activities that I could get to on foot, by bike, or by public transportation. It was the same for most of my friends.