Do you go on holiday without step-kids?

[Amanda78xx]

I wanted to get people's opinions on this please. My partner has a DSD 9, we've lived together for 4 years but I guess we are slightly different in that I don't have any kids, nor do we share any.

Recently, for the first time since living together, my partner & I went away on a city break for a few days. Nothing crazy, but I was celebrating a big birthday and we decided to book it. This was during a weekend where we don't have DSD, and didn't affect the contact time at all.

I'd also like to add that we have DSD half the holidays, and we take her away every August somewhere nice, i.e villa holiday, all-inclusive hotel kind of thing which is always lots of fun, just as we are this year also!

Anyways, after our break and a day or so before partner was due to collect DSD, he had an email from his ex saying that she wasn't happy we had gone away without her knowledge in case of emergencies (I guess this is fair enough but he's still contactable where we were, 2 hour flight back home etc) but also that it upset DSD greatly that we went away without her and he should have considered her feelings. I was a little thrown back by this, not only because I have no idea she even knew we were away! Anyways, DSD asked when collected why we went away but didn't seem overly fussed and seemed to have forgotten about it 10 mins into being at ours.

What are people's thoughts on this please? Happy to see views from both sides.
Thanks

It's fine, me and DH go away occasionally without our children and they're both biologically ours. I can see if there were other children and you went to Disney land, or if you went on holidays all of the time and never with his DC, but that's not the case.

Absolutely nothing wrong with it, and he doesn’t need to tell her. It’s none of her business

Ex sounds jealous.

As long as the parent is contactable it doesn't make a difference if they tell the other parent. What if they're still in the UK but a few hours away. Should they tell their ex then as well?

Good point. And it’s worth noting that (for us) it’s a 9 hour drive to Cornwall but a 2 hour flight to Spain, so being in the UK, or not, is academic.

Exactly. The issue wasn’t not knowing where he was but he didn’t have his phone on.

My DP and I have have been away without his three kids. Granted, it’s only been 3 times in 5 years and the ex wife has kicked off about it every single time, saying DP is selfish and should take the kids. 2/3 of the kids have been teenagers since I’ve known them and haven’t wanted to go away anyway. The youngest sulked about it initially, but she used to have mini wife syndrome, so it wouldn’t have been an enjoyable experience.

DP has let his ex know he’s going to be abroad, but her family and his are literally around the corner from where she lives, so in the event of an emergency, there are people who could help.

There is zero issues with having a holiday as just the two of you. You’re a couple outside of being parents/step-parents and are allowed to have that time together.

Yes we go on holidays without my stepchildren just the two of us but family holidays including my DS no we don't.

My husband does stay in touch with them during the time we are away and video calls them most days which of course I don't mind.

If my husbands ex kicked off like that, my husband is very good at putting her in her place about things.

Sometimes ex's kick off for no reason and it's sad, and just not fair for anybody else especially the kids.

My husbands ex kicked off because we are going on a second holiday with my in laws in the summer...she said we had already had one this year and it's selfish to take them for another when we don't usually, it seemed like it was jealousy, no thought to her children coming on this holiday with us and how much of a great time we will have, just how she feels about it!

Yet when it comes to the ex doing stuff with the kids. She doesn't tell my husband she just plans it and does it and my husband has to just fit in. Quite bitter really!

LAurdo -the mother was the one who went away and was not contactable - she failed to tell the DF, she was going away - he thought she was at home, not having her phone on .
Her reaction was guilt at not being aorund for her DC when seriously ill - totally histrionic response from her. He EX was stressed, child crying for mum, him not wanted to speak toher on the phone, not having a clue where she was - tie frames etc.

So - yes I would tell the Ex

But even if she told her ex she was going away but still turned her phone off the result would be the same. If she told him and was contactable she would still be in another country. If she didn't tell him and was contactable, again she'd be in another country hours away. Her ex knowing she was going on holiday doesn't suddenly make it easier for her to get home in an emergency.

This. Nothing wrong with going away - he really doesn’t need to tell his ex anything at all, unless that’s an arrangement they already have. Don’t feel guilty!

No. But my kids go on holidays that they don't. So I'll go with my kids for longer and they'll join when they can. They still do 50/50 with their mum so less available than mine.

Nothing wrong at all. I'd hazard a guess also that without Mum discussing it with your SC she probably wouldn't have been bothered at all. She didn't really need to know at all given it wasn't in her usuall contact time. So it seems control and jealousy are playing a big part and the little girl is being used to pull at emotions. We had all this at times (12 years step mum)... interestingly with husbands ex went on holidays to Ibiza without their shared child that was never an issue. She would also rarely call her child (which is fine as that's the norm in each others contact time).... but if we were on holiday she would insist on phonecalls each day which were merely to try to get him to 'miss her' and get him upset. Just sharing this as a tip going forward. Settle on reasonable boundaries for family holidays and couple holidays and insist on them for all parties. We didn't and she always tried to sabotage and create issues for our holidays but enjoyed our reasonableness for her own 🤷🏻‍♀️ xx

Assuming your phones on and contactable on holiday I don't see why you need to discuss holiday plans with ex.

Unless your going to Outer Mongolia. The other parent (mum or dad) aren't your boss or your DP boss.

My ex would tell me if he was going on holiday, but that's because we both work hard to co parent in a healthy way and respect each other boundaries.

If one person hasn't held up their end of co parenting in a healthy way, they are not entitled to know iMO.

We go away all the time with just us. We never tell DSDs mum. It’s non of her business.

We also go away with just our kids and not DSD sometimes.

Fair doesn’t always mean equal.

Laurdo - we are not going to agree but when one parent is making life and death decisions - this case- and then lambasted for them when she did return then you see a different side of things. As it was from his first attempt to phone her - she could have been home in 7-8 hours, 2 days later she found out and 3 days later she got back.
None of what transpired was anyones fault - but her child wanted to hear mums voice/ facetime etc - this was not possible. Other child wanted Mum- the irony of the situation was not lost on those around. Dad ended up leaving other DC with me whilst he sat by a bed in ITU - expectation and time frames became crucial for managing everyones stress

I think the ex is still trying to control your partner, snd using the child to do so, tell her whst yous do on your free weekends is nout to do with her and she does not need to know your plans at all, an 8 year old does not need to know either what yous r up to x

It seems like blended families have a much higher expectations than "nuclear families". Parents go kn holiday all the time and leave kids with grandparents. Parent takes only one of their kid to an event all the time and then the other one later for something else. T
When it's "nuclear family" nobody bats an eye but if its blended family then it's unfair 🤷🏼‍♀️

I do think it is odd for a parent to just up and leave without telling their children. Most kids would be worried or bothered by that in some way.

I don't know any parents who don't keep their kids apprised of their vacations. And if his ex is taking daughter and leaving the country on vacation, I would also expect her to let your DH know she would be away.

Kids like security, they want to know where their parents are and that they are okay. Kids worry. Making his whereabouts a secret from her creates an unpredictability and lack of security that many kids would struggle with.

Going away with you is different from telling her he will be away.

Genuine question - why wouldn't your husband want all of his children there on holiday?

She does come on some holidays. Just not all of them. We have her EOW which had to be court ordered. Just because she didn’t want dsd around me years ago 🙄
We were never allowed to take her on holiday and it’s only in the last couple of years she’s been ok with us taking her away as she’s a teen now.
We are still very much used to having our holiday alone and want to continue doing that so we add extra breaks in for dsd.

I can safely say this has literally never come up for us. Unless told otherwise, and if he even thinks about it, I'm sure DSS assumes his dad is at home like normal. There has never once been an issue with him worrying and wanting to know where he is.

I think what you are describing here is a specific child, not children in general.