Active discussions

Meet the Other Phone. Protection built in.

Meet the Other Phone.
Protection built in.

Buy now

Please or to access all these features

Talk
Step-parenting

Connect with other Mumsnetters here for step-parenting advice and support.

Original poster

Do you go on holiday without step-kids?

70 replies

Amanda78xx · 25/05/2023 13:33

I wanted to get people's opinions on this please. My partner has a DSD 9, we've lived together for 4 years but I guess we are slightly different in that I don't have any kids, nor do we share any.

Recently, for the first time since living together, my partner & I went away on a city break for a few days. Nothing crazy, but I was celebrating a big birthday and we decided to book it. This was during a weekend where we don't have DSD, and didn't affect the contact time at all.

I'd also like to add that we have DSD half the holidays, and we take her away every August somewhere nice, i.e villa holiday, all-inclusive hotel kind of thing which is always lots of fun, just as we are this year also!

Anyways, after our break and a day or so before partner was due to collect DSD, he had an email from his ex saying that she wasn't happy we had gone away without her knowledge in case of emergencies (I guess this is fair enough but he's still contactable where we were, 2 hour flight back home etc) but also that it upset DSD greatly that we went away without her and he should have considered her feelings. I was a little thrown back by this, not only because I have no idea she even knew we were away! Anyways, DSD asked when collected why we went away but didn't seem overly fussed and seemed to have forgotten about it 10 mins into being at ours.

What are people's thoughts on this please? Happy to see views from both sides.
Thanks

OP posts:
NewNameNigel · 25/05/2023 15:59

We go away without the kids and so does dsds mum. The kids are also both going on trips with other families this summer without taking us.

This is only a big deal if you make it one.

Hattifattene · 25/05/2023 16:08

It's only a problem if he doesn't pay enough child support to her mum to keep her decently or he doesn't have enough money to look after her properly when she is with you because you've spent it on holidays.

Reugny · 25/05/2023 16:09

Hattifattene · 25/05/2023 16:08

It's only a problem if he doesn't pay enough child support to her mum to keep her decently or he doesn't have enough money to look after her properly when she is with you because you've spent it on holidays.

The OP could be paying for the holiday/break.

The OP doesn't have a duty to support her step-child regardless of whether the child is with her or not as the child has two parents, which aren't her.

lookluv · 25/05/2023 16:29

Of course you can go on holiday with step kid.

Going out of the country and not letting the ex know - I think she does have a point - not the fine details but the knowledge you are x far away helps manage issues. ( my DB was uncontactable and half way round the world when one of our parents decided to get v sick and die )

Parents generally tell their DCS when they are going away - not finer details but away for weekend - sort of tells child they are only their child when they see that parent and not when they are with other parent.

FedUpWithTheNHS · 25/05/2023 16:57

Another way to look at it

Is the mum ever going away in her own? Is that ok for her to do that?
Does she let your DH know she is going to be away too?

i suspect you have a case of two people, two sets of rules there too.

Davestwattymissus · 25/05/2023 17:07

I've never been on a holiday with mine and I've been a SM 10 years. Their mum doesn't get to know we are away unless it impacts contact time (and it never does as we always make sure it doesnt!).

Chocbuttonsandredwine · 25/05/2023 17:13

Dp and I have 4 between us, none “ours if that makes sense.

we have holidays alone, holidays with all the kids, and holidays with some of them to celebrate big birthdays etc.

their “other” parents do similar.

id think that even if we were a non blended family we’d still have holidays alone… if we could find some one to look after them all 😂

SeulementUneFois · 25/05/2023 17:16

Yes.
Also no other children (ours or mine).

purpleboy · 25/05/2023 17:30

Absolutely fine, but I do think at 8 you should be able to tell her your going away. She is old enough to understand why.

lookluv · 25/05/2023 17:31

sorry that should have read without

The telling the other person - is definitely clouded in my mind by some incidents with my DCS and what happened with my brother - so yes I would tell the other parent

pillsthrillsandbellyache · 25/05/2023 17:57

bluepen12 · 25/05/2023 15:41

Of course it's fine.

I'm in exactly the same situation Op. One DSD similar age and we have been together 4 years, no more children involved.
For all that time DP and I have been away twice on our own. It was a big secret ad I wasnt allowed to tell DSD we were away so she doesn't get upset. We had many more weekends away and holidays with DSD.

A few months ago I suggested we go away for a few days this summer, just the two of us but DP refused. He said that we won't be going away without DSD any more as he can't face not having her next to him when having a good time and he wouldn't want her to miss out. I'm gutted and sad.

It's always some power struggles when she is with us, so holidaying together can be really stresfull. I'm sad when think of holidays and weekends away we could have had.

This is no way to live.
OP, its good for couples to get away on their own. I wouldn't be keeping it a secret from DSD either. It doesn't harm children to know that adults are entitled to a bit of something for themselves.

NosyHamster · 25/05/2023 18:04

SemperIdem · 25/05/2023 14:04

Nothing wrong with this at all.

The ex is trying to create an issue out of nothing.

This!

openstop · 25/05/2023 19:28

Ahh...you've got one of those exes on your hands..

BiddyPop · 25/05/2023 19:33

I am still married to my only DC's father. We usually take her away on our trips, especially summer holidays and any child-focussed activities, and a few city breaks over the years too.

But as a married couple, we have occasionally taken a city break or weekend in a hotel which is just ourselves and when DC has been with other relatives or similar.

Just to give you a different perspective on the same problem.

Just because you have a DC, doesn't mean that you can't still enjoy life as adults on occasion once there are reasonable plans in place to care for that/those DC(s).

RedRosette2023 · 25/05/2023 19:34

We did (and do) both OP. The ex is more likely bitter you’ve had a nice romantic weekend away….

Augustlou30 · 25/05/2023 19:47

As others have said there's nothing wrong with going away with your partner for a few days of rest and adult time, it's important (if you're able to do it). I go away for weekends with my partner, his kids are in their 20s but mine are 9 and 12 yr old. My 9 yr old daughter can be a nightmare about it and totally gives me grief. (Used to be so much easier when they were younger). Even when I went away with friends for a long weekend and she had to stay with my mum I got grief (lots of apologies the next day usually). So it could well be a 9 yr old girl thing 😂

midnightblue12 · 25/05/2023 19:51

Of course it's ok for you both to go away alone, just like it's perfectly fine for parent couples to do the same.
I get her comment about the emergency contact etc, but I think this is just a bit cringey in her part. Perhaps the little girl was upset and if so she did the right thing telling you so you can address it but it's not up to her to dictate what you do!

Lkgcsr · 25/05/2023 19:54

Yes totally fine. Now we have DC we always take DSD too and wouldn’t just go with our DC but just the two of us I don’t see the issue. DH and I still do trips away just us two even though we have kids and I don’t think that’s any different.
we generally didn’t mention it and her mum wouldn’t find out.

Lkgcsr · 25/05/2023 19:57

How did the ex find out? I don’t really think she needs to know as long as you’ve got your phones with you then she can contact you. Whether she knows or not had no impact on if it takes 20 minutes or 20 hours to be there when there’s an emergency so I think that’s flawed logic.

RedRosette2023 · 25/05/2023 20:06

I don’t really see why the other parent needs to know in case of emergency. In reality whether they know or not will have no bearing on the outcome of an emergency. We have never told my DSS’ Mum because she is someone that would try and jeopardise it by having some random crisis or kick off that we have had time and she feels she’s entitled to x, y or z to make up for her perceived shortfall.

candlesflamesandbrooms · 25/05/2023 22:16

Op I personally think that mum was being ridiculous tbh.

I don't care if my ex goes away with Dd step mum and doesn't take Dd.

However if he did go away and didn't mention it I wouldn't be having a go at him but would look inward to see if my behaviour had contributed to them not feeling like they could say.
Not that anyone who acts this nutty towards their ex often looks at their own behaviour.

Op pls don't worry. Some people are nuts, I'm a mum and I think mums behaviour here is really odd. Why would you upset your own Dd and stir up trouble just because you want to get one over on your ex ?

People baffle me they really do

lookluv · 25/05/2023 22:44

To the other person knowing or not knowing - I suppose until you are in that position where it does matter then you dont understand -yes crises are rare but they do happen.
Example: Ex went away for a weekend with his new DP, they left her DCs with their DF. one of them got ill and seriously ill - think blue light transfer to major hospital. DF could not get hold of his EX - phone off etc etc no idea where she was. In desperation he phoned me - likewise I did not know. He was frantic - DC undergoing emergency surgery all vv stressful - one of mine pipes up - Daddy is in xxxxx . Whats app message to call me - not answered. Repeat x in hospital hour later screaming down the phone and tears. A very sick little child wanted their Mum or to at least hear her voice. Lot of recriminations after event - how I should not have been contacted etc etc -the man was desperate.

So yes I would tell the other parent - simple courtesy

Laurdo · 26/05/2023 06:52

lookluv · 25/05/2023 22:44

To the other person knowing or not knowing - I suppose until you are in that position where it does matter then you dont understand -yes crises are rare but they do happen.
Example: Ex went away for a weekend with his new DP, they left her DCs with their DF. one of them got ill and seriously ill - think blue light transfer to major hospital. DF could not get hold of his EX - phone off etc etc no idea where she was. In desperation he phoned me - likewise I did not know. He was frantic - DC undergoing emergency surgery all vv stressful - one of mine pipes up - Daddy is in xxxxx . Whats app message to call me - not answered. Repeat x in hospital hour later screaming down the phone and tears. A very sick little child wanted their Mum or to at least hear her voice. Lot of recriminations after event - how I should not have been contacted etc etc -the man was desperate.

So yes I would tell the other parent - simple courtesy

To be fair the issue here is not being contactable, not that they were on holiday. Even if they had said they were going holiday and she turned her phone off, the outcome would have been the same.

As long as the parent is contactable it doesn't make a difference if they tell the other parent. What if they're still in the UK but a few hours away. Should they tell their ex then as well?

From the way the mother reacted, there's probably good reason why they've not told her they were away and they've probably not told the kid because she'd tell her mum.

My DSCs mum wouldn't hesitate to make up an emergency to get us to come home early from a holiday just out of badness. She agreed to let us take DSC on holiday last summer then the week before said she phone the olive and report kidnap if we did and we needed up having to go without them.

bluepen12 · 26/05/2023 07:09

@Laurdo

I will go with my sister for a nice weekend away in Autumn. But it's just not the same as going away with your DP. I'm glad I'm not the only one thinging that!

aSofaNearYou · 26/05/2023 07:51

I think the emergency thing is really down to the individual. Some people like belt and braces when it comes to possible but unlikely emergencies, whereas some people don't think that way. It wouldn't occur to me tbh.

I'm always contactable but it wouldn't occur to me to tell my ex every time I was somewhere where it might take me a while to get there. My DP is frequently several hours away with work, he'd be informing his ex of his whereabouts all the time, and it's never once been an issue.

Swipe left for the next trending thread