I never planned on kids, and now I've got one in my house.

[JTheStepMum]

I'm looking for any and all advice that anyone would like to provide. I'm in at the deep end, having never learnt to swim.

For background, my boyfriend and his 9 year old daughter moved in with me at spring half term. Everything is working great, with only minor issues we work through when they pop up. The birth mother is pretty much out of the picture (she has one supervised meeting with her daughter each week, and that isn't expected to change). I'm in my 40s, I don't have any kids, and won't be having any in the future - I never wanted kids of my own.

My boyfriend went from being fun-time weekend dad to full-time dad about 18 months ago. When I met him he was struggling to be all things to his daughter, especially relating to her school life where he feels completely out of his depth as he's not very academic and he's intimidated by the mum cliques in the playground.

I get on really well with his daughter, we have lots of fun together, and it turns out I'm pretty maternal despite still not wanting children of my own. Somehow I seem to have her respect and she responds well when I ask her to do things like go to bed and take a shower. She used to argue with her dad about these things, but she's doing well with these now we all live together.

My main concern though is that I never had any intention of looking after a child until recently, so I haven't prepared for it at all. I'd be glad of any guidance, especially relating to school and health - assume I know nothing and let rip with your advice! These are just a few of the questions that are in my mind right now:

• How do I make sure she's not the smelly/weird kid at school - I'm pretty sure she has been (I've already learnt to handle lice/nit detection and removal from both of our hair)?
• How do you handle homework and overseeing school activities - how much help do you give and/or homework diary checking do you do?
• How do play dates / friendships out of school work - she doesn't seem to have many friends, and the ones she has she doesn't see outside of school, other than a couple came to her birthday party last year?
• What do I encourage her to do in the evenings for fun - she tends to either want to watch YouTube, play on the Nintendo Switch, or be my shadow (which I'm glad it's that and not the alternative, but it's really exhausting)?
• She is over-weight (and I know she worries about it) as she's eaten badly in the past - she's had both extremes in the past: not enough food and too much with lots of treats - but what can I do to help with that without making a big deal of it or do I just make sure she's eating a healthy balance of foods? Is it something that she will grow into? I'm over-weight myself, but I hope I model being a larger person who loves their body and knows how to stay healthy in lots of ways while still keeping life fun.
• I've caught her lying, mainly about little things, and I think it's because she used to get in 'serious trouble' when she did something wrong, so she panics and tries to avoid trouble by any means possible. I can see her startle like a rabbit is head-lights when she thinks she's in trouble. I'm trying to be compassionate with her and let her know that things are different now, but any ideas how I can get the balance right between discipline and making her feel safe.

My boyfriend seems to trust me completely and he has said that he's very grateful for my help and that he's learned a lot from me. I'm just happy I can help. Like all children, she deserves to be given the best chance. I'm only doing what my mum did for me. I know I feel really lucky and appreciate what she did for me so much more now. <3

Thank You.

Rarely for MN, I think you're doing absolutely fucking everything right!

Just beware of your BF becoming passive/lazy and allowing you to become the default parent because you're a woman (and you're clearly good at it). An alarming number of men will let a woman take over all the shitwork with a child so that they can be the fun one - I don't know your BF, but just keep it at the back of your mind. She's his primary responsibility, not yours.

Your boyfriend has done well for himself, he's found someone to provide him a home and mother his child.

You make sure he isn't abdicating all responsibility to you. Support his parenting by all means, but don't loose yourself to this. Make sue you see friends and family etc. keep up your hobbies.

Protect your heart, he could walk away with her at any moment and you would have zero rights.

You sound lovely!

I think, Initially you need to let you BF take the lead on all those issues - she is his daughter.
You do sound you genuinely care and want to do the best you can - and all those points you've asked about you will get a feel for as you go along - but don't expect to know the "right" thing to do straight away. Again defer to the girls Dad as he'll likely be more in touch with how things have been in the past.

Moving in with Dad and his new partner will be a massive change for her - so dont try and change every aspect of her life all at once. If she likes Nintendo and You Tube for example - let her carry on with those things for now.

Agree with PP - ensure Dad keep up with his responsibility as the main parent.

How did you discuss the split of responsibilities before you agreed to move in together - what does your partner think about all those questions?

A lot of the situation you describe will be like a foster or adopted child with respect to previous experiences relating to current behaviour, so posting on those boards as and when may help. (My eldest was almost 8 when placed with us).

Reassurance, consistency, boundaries, calmness.

Board games are good for evening activities & bonding.

re Weight, make sure food is healthy, and portion control. Then help weekends to be active.

My first thought was along the same lines as pp, you are doing brilliantly, your bf has played a blinder finding someone who is a natural to bring up his dd.

make 100% sure he is pulling his weight, it is not your responsibility to clean up after her etc. and I suspect the reason she does as you ask is she’s also realising she’s onto a good thing and where her life has been so chaotic in the past she doesn't yet have the confidence that you won’t through them both out.

I’d also question MH issues, there is extremes of eating and it sounds like there has been some hygiene issues in the past so as she hits teen years and the hormones kick in I fear your life may become more stressful.

Also protect yourself financially, do you own your own home?

You’re doing amazing, well done. To answer your questions where I can:

• How do I make sure she's not the smelly/weird kid at school - I'm pretty sure she has been (I've already learnt to handle lice/nit detection and removal from both of our hair)?

Shopping trip to Superdrug or Boots, let her choose body sprays, deodorants etc that she likes. My daughter is 12 and I still need to ask in the morning ‘have you put deodorant on’ as she gets dressed. They forget, just ask her & make it non judgemental in tone (which I’m sure you will). Bath and shower routines etc so she develops a routine that she can live with.

• How do you handle homework and overseeing school activities - how much help do you give and/or homework diary checking do you do?

I check diary daily bar the odd miss. I chat over dinner, ask her if she has homework, if she needs help or is happy cracking on. Check with school - sometimes they have homework clubs where teachers can support with learning if it’s a subject you’re not comfortable with yourself.

• How do play dates / friendships out of school work - she doesn't seem to have many friends, and the ones she has she doesn't see outside of school, other than a couple came to her birthday party last year?

I tended to take the lead in encouraging play dates etc. I would ask if she wanted anyone over for dinner, if she wanted to do a specific activity on a weekend etc with friends. I’d ask if she could pass on my number to her friend & arrange directly with the other parent/s. You won’t have to do this forever, they just need a bit of support initially to socialise, they’ll find their own way in making plans etc eventually.

• What do I encourage her to do in the evenings for fun - she tends to either want to watch YouTube, play on the Nintendo Switch, or be my shadow (which I'm glad it's that and not the alternative, but it's really exhausting)?

Sounds pretty typical tbh. I encourage mine to do other things but that is their default interest too.
Clubs like karate, dance etc can give you a break & give her another social circle.
Try to get into a show that is suitable for you all - things that you’ll all enjoy watching together (we like Modern Family, Young sheldon, any comedy really)

Sorry I’ve gone for all the negative stuff.

positive, keep doing what your doing. Plan healthy diets and make it the norm rather than a big thing, try doing active things together like swimming or walking and maybe encourage her to join an out of school club like netball or brownies that might increase her friends groups. As for homework try and encourage her to keep on top of it, swap Nintendo for a book from 7pm and help if she asks.

You sound absolutely lovely! Your step-daughter is lucky to have you.

I'd suggest cooking/preparing the meals with her to encourage the 'good' food habits - you can discuss eg why it's important to have fresh fruit and veg etc as you do. You could also find a small patch of garden to turn into somewhere to grow some food to eat for example

I've got a lad the same-ish age so practicalities are:

Hygiene: keep clean, install good habits around teeth, hair, nails etc. I let him shower and bath on his own with privacy but I check he's done them.

Homework: get him to read a couple of times a week and make sure he has access to his own books. Don't pressure him but also model reading myself. I don't push homework but create a space for it.

Evenings: couple of clubs, PlayStation, you tube. We also watch tv series together and movies and discuss. Board games are liked too as it cooking. We do some play dates and the kids often initiate themselves.

Weight: mine is sporty but I've noticed his shape is changing as he's growing and he often gets a bit softer before taller! We talk about food as fuel and concentrate on nutrition. I'm really careful not to call him greedy or be negative about my body

Lying: so difficult! I always say "is that true?" And follow up with "I still like you either way" which helps get me closer to the truth. I think your SD probably just needs to feel safe before her behaviour changes.

I think you sound amazing and brilliant for this little girl. I agree with previous posters just watch your boyfriends behaviour so he doesn't palm all the shit-work on to you. I wouldn't worry about school politics - most people are nice and you soon work out who isn't.

I don't think child rearing is massively scientific. The more positive, safe adults around kids the better for them. Just treat them with respect and kindness and let the relationship grow. My stepdad doesn't have a dad relationship with me and I wouldn't want one but he is a very good grandad to my boy

You sound awesome!

• How do I make sure she's not the smelly/weird kid at school
Stating the obvious but a shower or bath every day, always clean school uniform, hair brushed, teeth cleaned.

• How do you handle homework and overseeing school activities
Create a calm space and environment for doing homework, with no distractions, TV off etc. There's a balance to hit between overseeing and interfering. Check what she needs to do, talk about it, make sure she understands it, allow her some space to think about it, help as needed.

• How do play dates / friendships out of school work
Encourage the few she has, invite them over to play, other parents may have been wary because of difficulties in the past perhaps. Could you get her into a class/activity outside of school so that she can meet other friends. Brownies? A hobby?

• What do I encourage her to do in the evenings for fun
Does she enjoy arts and craft things? It's a nice relaxing non-screen activity. Reading! Could you all as a family go for a walk in the evening sometimes? A nice way to spend time together, be outdoors now that the weather is getting better, and good exercise (also helps with next point). Board games together?

• She is over-weight (and I know she worries about it) but what can I do to help with that without making a big deal of it
Provide healthy meals, but don't label any food as bad or make anything off limits or forbidden. Encourage her to recognise hunger and thirst vs boredom and comfort eating. Teach her about nutrition, learn about what all the vitamins etc do, which foods they come from. Get her into cooking. Be active as a family, it doesn't need to be exercise sessions, but walks together, bike rides together, swimming, keep it all fun/healthy/active rather than focusing on weight and physical appearance.

• I've caught her lying, mainly about little things, and I think it's because she used to get in 'serious trouble' when she did something wrong
IME all kids go through a phase of lying in this way. In your case I think it just will take time and patience to change the learned behaviour. Talk it over afterwards to reinforce the positive. Something happens, she lies about it, the truth is realised, action taken or whatever, then explain, doesn't it work better when I know what really happened/doesn't it feel better when you've told me what happened next time you can just tell me the truth first and we can deal with it together easily.

Thank you so much for your lovely reply, and for the advice re: BF. It's useful for me to hear, as I do tend to just deal with things myself. I am keeping an eye on him though. I can tell he's getting more confident, as he can see now that she can behave.

Thank you for your advice. I'll keep that in mind. You're quite right - no one knows what the future will bring.

You sounds absolutely fabulous.

Your boyfriend, on the other hand, sets my fuckwit/cocklodger radar off massively. I'm thinking he's hit the lottery and he knows it. A roof over his head and a woman to raise his kid. I fear you are being taken advantage of, and it's only going to get worse.

Definitely be a bit careful that your BF isn't happily letting you step up and you find yourself the primary carer.

Having said that, you sound fab and it's lovely that she has you.

I'd say that she's clearly had a lot of upheaval and trauma in her life so don't expect to get everything settled at once. It's not practical. Is your BF in touch with the school and accessing any and all support they offer? Eg a lot of schools have ELSA support for children who are struggling or have had complex home lives - that would be a good first step. I'd also say that regular contact with teachers to ensure that as things change things at home and school are on the same page.

Still with school - is your bf on the class WhatsApp group? He should be able to get a sense of who is who and what's what from there eg re parties etc. if your SDD has a friend that she'd like to invite for a playdate - the WhatsApp group is a useful way to get that number. It may be that you have to do this as some people are weird about arranging play dates with men.

Re food/hygeine etc - I'd let that one continue as you are with modelling good things and ensuring there is sufficient of the right things in the house. 9 is not a weird age to be concerned about weight and looking different - and teasing can be happening at school - but the most important thing is whether she's broadly eating a balanced and nutritious diet and getting enough exercise. Work on that rather than on specific weight loss efforts. Are there activities/groups that she could join and that, ideally, your BF can take her to? martial arts, hockey, swimming, dance classes, gymnastics.... these are all good choices for both activity levels and making friends.

You sound like a nice person OP.
Other posters have given lots of good advice, my only one would be consistency. Kids feel safest when they have clear and consistent boundaries, especially after periods of upheaveal in their lives. Sounds like you are doing a great job.

Thank you. You are very kind.

Re the lying, think carefully about how you word questions. My ds is autistic and one of his triggers has always been being in trouble. So he would always answer with what he thought I wanted to hear regardless of it being the truth or not. I had to think of ways of asking that allowed him to respond with the truth. Not easy.

Very good points. My BF hasn't had such useful role models in his life as I have, which is why he was struggling. I never do anything without discussing it with him and making sure we are on the same page - the questions I've raised are ones that neither of us feel we have answers for, or would like some reassurance with. We discussed all responsibilities before moving in together, as well as our boundaries and needs. Talking this much is new to him, but he has said how much he likes that he never has to guess with me.

She has had lots of changes, so that's a really good point. I'll make sure we bear that in mind. Thank you

I find it hilarious that you think that because people have given birth to children, that they magically know the answers to all your questions. I don’t know either, I just love my kids, try to get by and wing it. So does everyone else I know. You being a step parent doesn’t make you a visitor in our land, you don’t get native guides. Just prioritise your kid and work it out for yourself like everyone else has to.

Thank you. That's a great idea. I can see how it is very similar.

My board game / card game shelf has definitely grown since she came into my life. Exploding kittens is one of our favorites, and we also play D&D together every other weekend - something I already did and she showed an interest in.

Now the weather's getting better I think some walks at the weekend may be called for.

I thought this too. How blooming refreshing!!
Good for you OP, I hope you have a lot of joy together.

You sound like you’re making a great job of it, well done.
Re weight/hobbies how about seeing if she’d enjoy a team sport like hockey or rugby- covers both bases that way.

You are doing amazing x