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Step-parenting

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Original poster

I never planned on kids, and now I've got one in my house.

115 replies

JTheStepMum · 17/05/2023 14:15

I'm looking for any and all advice that anyone would like to provide. I'm in at the deep end, having never learnt to swim.

For background, my boyfriend and his 9 year old daughter moved in with me at spring half term. Everything is working great, with only minor issues we work through when they pop up. The birth mother is pretty much out of the picture (she has one supervised meeting with her daughter each week, and that isn't expected to change). I'm in my 40s, I don't have any kids, and won't be having any in the future - I never wanted kids of my own.

My boyfriend went from being fun-time weekend dad to full-time dad about 18 months ago. When I met him he was struggling to be all things to his daughter, especially relating to her school life where he feels completely out of his depth as he's not very academic and he's intimidated by the mum cliques in the playground.

I get on really well with his daughter, we have lots of fun together, and it turns out I'm pretty maternal despite still not wanting children of my own. Somehow I seem to have her respect and she responds well when I ask her to do things like go to bed and take a shower. She used to argue with her dad about these things, but she's doing well with these now we all live together.

My main concern though is that I never had any intention of looking after a child until recently, so I haven't prepared for it at all. I'd be glad of any guidance, especially relating to school and health - assume I know nothing and let rip with your advice! These are just a few of the questions that are in my mind right now:

  • How do I make sure she's not the smelly/weird kid at school - I'm pretty sure she has been (I've already learnt to handle lice/nit detection and removal from both of our hair)?
  • How do you handle homework and overseeing school activities - how much help do you give and/or homework diary checking do you do?
  • How do play dates / friendships out of school work - she doesn't seem to have many friends, and the ones she has she doesn't see outside of school, other than a couple came to her birthday party last year?
  • What do I encourage her to do in the evenings for fun - she tends to either want to watch YouTube, play on the Nintendo Switch, or be my shadow (which I'm glad it's that and not the alternative, but it's really exhausting)?
  • She is over-weight (and I know she worries about it) as she's eaten badly in the past - she's had both extremes in the past: not enough food and too much with lots of treats - but what can I do to help with that without making a big deal of it or do I just make sure she's eating a healthy balance of foods? Is it something that she will grow into? I'm over-weight myself, but I hope I model being a larger person who loves their body and knows how to stay healthy in lots of ways while still keeping life fun.
  • I've caught her lying, mainly about little things, and I think it's because she used to get in 'serious trouble' when she did something wrong, so she panics and tries to avoid trouble by any means possible. I can see her startle like a rabbit is head-lights when she thinks she's in trouble. I'm trying to be compassionate with her and let her know that things are different now, but any ideas how I can get the balance right between discipline and making her feel safe.
My boyfriend seems to trust me completely and he has said that he's very grateful for my help and that he's learned a lot from me. I'm just happy I can help. Like all children, she deserves to be given the best chance. I'm only doing what my mum did for me. I know I feel really lucky and appreciate what she did for me so much more now. <3

Thank You.

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mycatsanutter · 17/05/2023 15:36

I have a 9 year old son with regards to hygiene he has a bath every night , he enjoys that chilling out lazy part of the day . With regards to meals and her being over weight why don't you meal plan together and involve her in cooking . With the weather getting nicer and if you and your bf think she is having too much screen time how about a trip to a park after tea . Kids thrive on boundaries and positive attention makes them feel secure and loved. Sounds like you are doing a great job 😀

Original poster
JTheStepMum · 17/05/2023 15:36

Billybagpuss · 17/05/2023 14:37

Sorry I’ve gone for all the negative stuff.

positive, keep doing what your doing. Plan healthy diets and make it the norm rather than a big thing, try doing active things together like swimming or walking and maybe encourage her to join an out of school club like netball or brownies that might increase her friends groups. As for homework try and encourage her to keep on top of it, swap Nintendo for a book from 7pm and help if she asks.

Show quote history

Thank you for your replies. I can understand your first reactions, the same as several other people. I did my due diligence before we moved in and while I know he is lucky to have found me, I feel the same about him. I did have a situation in the past during the break up of my previous marriage when I lost my home, so I'm very careful about making sure that I'm not in that position again, and agree with your advice completely. It's easy to assume things will always be good when you're still in the early years of a relationship.

An out of school club sounds like a good idea. I'll have a chat with her and find out what she might be interested in. Thank you.

OP posts:
ClaraBourne · 17/05/2023 15:38

ItsCalledAConversation · 17/05/2023 15:25

I find it hilarious that you think that because people have given birth to children, that they magically know the answers to all your questions. I don’t know either, I just love my kids, try to get by and wing it. So does everyone else I know. You being a step parent doesn’t make you a visitor in our land, you don’t get native guides. Just prioritise your kid and work it out for yourself like everyone else has to.

Well to be fair to the OP it's a gradual process of learning, advice from family friends magazines because you have an interest, health visitors, GP when you see them, chatting to other parents and trusting instinct which takes practice too.

Well done OP from starting from the best place which is a place of love.

Original poster
JTheStepMum · 17/05/2023 15:41

Coffeeandanap · 17/05/2023 14:32

You’re doing amazing, well done. To answer your questions where I can:

  • How do I make sure she's not the smelly/weird kid at school - I'm pretty sure she has been (I've already learnt to handle lice/nit detection and removal from both of our hair)?

Shopping trip to Superdrug or Boots, let her choose body sprays, deodorants etc that she likes. My daughter is 12 and I still need to ask in the morning ‘have you put deodorant on’ as she gets dressed. They forget, just ask her & make it non judgemental in tone (which I’m sure you will). Bath and shower routines etc so she develops a routine that she can live with.

  • How do you handle homework and overseeing school activities - how much help do you give and/or homework diary checking do you do?

I check diary daily bar the odd miss. I chat over dinner, ask her if she has homework, if she needs help or is happy cracking on. Check with school - sometimes they have homework clubs where teachers can support with learning if it’s a subject you’re not comfortable with yourself.

  • How do play dates / friendships out of school work - she doesn't seem to have many friends, and the ones she has she doesn't see outside of school, other than a couple came to her birthday party last year?

I tended to take the lead in encouraging play dates etc. I would ask if she wanted anyone over for dinner, if she wanted to do a specific activity on a weekend etc with friends. I’d ask if she could pass on my number to her friend & arrange directly with the other parent/s. You won’t have to do this forever, they just need a bit of support initially to socialise, they’ll find their own way in making plans etc eventually.

  • What do I encourage her to do in the evenings for fun - she tends to either want to watch YouTube, play on the Nintendo Switch, or be my shadow (which I'm glad it's that and not the alternative, but it's really exhausting)?

Sounds pretty typical tbh. I encourage mine to do other things but that is their default interest too.
Clubs like karate, dance etc can give you a break & give her another social circle.
Try to get into a show that is suitable for you all - things that you’ll all enjoy watching together (we like Modern Family, Young sheldon, any comedy really)

So much amazing advice. Thank you so much for taking the time to write this. There is so much me and her dad will put into action.

Getting her to give her friends our phone numbers so we can arrange things directly with their parents is a great idea. So simple but I never even thought about it. Thank you!

OP posts:
Original poster
JTheStepMum · 17/05/2023 15:42

SoVerySophie · 17/05/2023 14:38

You sound absolutely lovely! Your step-daughter is lucky to have you.

Thank you. You are so kind. :)

OP posts:
Original poster
JTheStepMum · 17/05/2023 15:45

Ariela · 17/05/2023 14:41

I'd suggest cooking/preparing the meals with her to encourage the 'good' food habits - you can discuss eg why it's important to have fresh fruit and veg etc as you do. You could also find a small patch of garden to turn into somewhere to grow some food to eat for example

That's perfect. I have a small veg patch that is overgrown. We can check my seeds and see what she'd like to grow, and then get a bit of activity in the garden.

OP posts:
Original poster
JTheStepMum · 17/05/2023 15:49

nodogz · 17/05/2023 14:42

I've got a lad the same-ish age so practicalities are:

Hygiene: keep clean, install good habits around teeth, hair, nails etc. I let him shower and bath on his own with privacy but I check he's done them.

Homework: get him to read a couple of times a week and make sure he has access to his own books. Don't pressure him but also model reading myself. I don't push homework but create a space for it.

Evenings: couple of clubs, PlayStation, you tube. We also watch tv series together and movies and discuss. Board games are liked too as it cooking. We do some play dates and the kids often initiate themselves.

Weight: mine is sporty but I've noticed his shape is changing as he's growing and he often gets a bit softer before taller! We talk about food as fuel and concentrate on nutrition. I'm really careful not to call him greedy or be negative about my body

Lying: so difficult! I always say "is that true?" And follow up with "I still like you either way" which helps get me closer to the truth. I think your SD probably just needs to feel safe before her behaviour changes.

I think you sound amazing and brilliant for this little girl. I agree with previous posters just watch your boyfriends behaviour so he doesn't palm all the shit-work on to you. I wouldn't worry about school politics - most people are nice and you soon work out who isn't.

I don't think child rearing is massively scientific. The more positive, safe adults around kids the better for them. Just treat them with respect and kindness and let the relationship grow. My stepdad doesn't have a dad relationship with me and I wouldn't want one but he is a very good grandad to my boy

What fantastic advice. Thank you. I'm blown away by how helpful everyone is. Thank you for taking the time to write such a detailed message.

It's nice to know that other kids spend time on YouTube. Things have changed so much since my childhood, although I did used to spend quite a bit of time on my Commodore 64.

It sounds like we're heading in the right direction and I can probably stop over thinking. :)

OP posts:
Original poster
JTheStepMum · 17/05/2023 15:58

NBLarsen · 17/05/2023 15:00

You sound awesome!

• How do I make sure she's not the smelly/weird kid at school
Stating the obvious but a shower or bath every day, always clean school uniform, hair brushed, teeth cleaned.

• How do you handle homework and overseeing school activities
Create a calm space and environment for doing homework, with no distractions, TV off etc. There's a balance to hit between overseeing and interfering. Check what she needs to do, talk about it, make sure she understands it, allow her some space to think about it, help as needed.

• How do play dates / friendships out of school work
Encourage the few she has, invite them over to play, other parents may have been wary because of difficulties in the past perhaps. Could you get her into a class/activity outside of school so that she can meet other friends. Brownies? A hobby?

• What do I encourage her to do in the evenings for fun
Does she enjoy arts and craft things? It's a nice relaxing non-screen activity. Reading! Could you all as a family go for a walk in the evening sometimes? A nice way to spend time together, be outdoors now that the weather is getting better, and good exercise (also helps with next point). Board games together?

• She is over-weight (and I know she worries about it) but what can I do to help with that without making a big deal of it
Provide healthy meals, but don't label any food as bad or make anything off limits or forbidden. Encourage her to recognise hunger and thirst vs boredom and comfort eating. Teach her about nutrition, learn about what all the vitamins etc do, which foods they come from. Get her into cooking. Be active as a family, it doesn't need to be exercise sessions, but walks together, bike rides together, swimming, keep it all fun/healthy/active rather than focusing on weight and physical appearance.

• I've caught her lying, mainly about little things, and I think it's because she used to get in 'serious trouble' when she did something wrong
IME all kids go through a phase of lying in this way. In your case I think it just will take time and patience to change the learned behaviour. Talk it over afterwards to reinforce the positive. Something happens, she lies about it, the truth is realised, action taken or whatever, then explain, doesn't it work better when I know what really happened/doesn't it feel better when you've told me what happened next time you can just tell me the truth first and we can deal with it together easily.

Thank you so much for your detailed answers. They are so helpful. Lots of things for us to put into action here.

It's really good to know that some of this is perfectly normal and calmness and patience seems to be a good way to handle it.

The food one is really interesting. When she says she is hungry I suggest she drinks some water first in case it's thirst instead, and often it has been. Boredom and comfort eating would be a good next step to think about.

I think I'd benefit from some more activity too so some family fun outside would definitely be a good idea. I used to love playing badminton (just socially, nothing competitive), we could get out and have a go at that. There might even be room in the garden for a bit of a knock around.

OP posts:
Lwrenagain · 17/05/2023 16:03

So @JTheStepMum, it's fair to say you're a bloody natural at this and as a mum and ex stepmum I'd absolutely love you if you were my kids' bonus parent! You're fucking smashing it! (My eldest DC has a great SM, I might let her inherit my other kids if I kick the bucket 😂)

I just wanted to say that her behaviour may change on/off due to trauma but if that happens I'd recommend the adoption board, even just to scroll through, the posters are really kind and knowledgeable and not judgey at all.

Kids are proper awkward at this age and if you're getting through to her now then you're really doing well 💐💐💐

Original poster
JTheStepMum · 17/05/2023 16:04

Aquamarine1029 · 17/05/2023 15:12

You sounds absolutely fabulous.

Your boyfriend, on the other hand, sets my fuckwit/cocklodger radar off massively. I'm thinking he's hit the lottery and he knows it. A roof over his head and a woman to raise his kid. I fear you are being taken advantage of, and it's only going to get worse.

Thank you for the compliment. And I can understand the fuckwit comments completely. He absolutely is at times, but I believe it's lack of knowledge/experience/confidence. He's amazing in lots of other ways (I've known some unredeemable fuckwits in my time). I have never known such a supportive man, and he is so open to new ideas and learning. That said, I'm keeping my eye on him and if that changes there'll be consequences. Thank you for caring enough to call it out.

OP posts:
Laurdo · 17/05/2023 16:05

I was in the same boat as you. No kids and never wanted any, not because I didn't like kids or wasn't good with them, but because I enjoyed my independent too much. Make sure you don't lose that. Make sure you still make time for yourself, see friends etc.

We have 50/50 custody of my DHs kids so it's easy for me to retain some of my independence than it will be for you with having DSD full time. But as others have said, ultimately the kid is your DPs responsibility and while it's great that you want to help and be so involved just remember that it's not obligatory.

Look into enrolling her in some clubs and hobbies. That will help with both her weight and with making friends.

You say you're also overweight, I think it would be a good idea to lead by example. Go for walks with her, bike rides. Pick out some healthy recipes together and get her involved in cooking.

In terms of homework, I'd let her get on with the majority herself and tell her that if she gets stuck on any questions etc to ask for help. If you take over too much she's not going to learn the same way she would working things out for herself.

The lying thing will get easier in time as she starts to feel more secure. Especially as she has limited time with her mum. Just keep reassuring her that your home is a safe place. We have this issue with my oldest DSS who's 16. His mother is a compulsive liar, she's also very volatile and there's a lot of screaming and shouting that goes on in her house. My SS will lie if he's done something wrong or will lie about his intentions. He tells DH what he thinks he wants to hear. DH has spoken to him about his lying endless times and that he'd rather know the truth than be told what he thinks DH wants to hear (DH often is that bothered). This is something we've really struggled with and I think because he's still around his mum where he perhaps feels like he has to lie in order to avoid conflict, that the habit is hard to kill.

You're doing amazing! You seem to have her best interests at heart and that's what will make you a good parent. The practical bits will fall into place in time like they do for any parent.

GeriKellmansUpdo · 17/05/2023 16:05

I find it very odd that your BF is learning how to parent from you when it's his DD!

He's intimidated by mum cliques? Tough.

I think you are taking on too much.

Original poster
JTheStepMum · 17/05/2023 16:17

OhBling · 17/05/2023 15:12

Definitely be a bit careful that your BF isn't happily letting you step up and you find yourself the primary carer.

Having said that, you sound fab and it's lovely that she has you.

I'd say that she's clearly had a lot of upheaval and trauma in her life so don't expect to get everything settled at once. It's not practical. Is your BF in touch with the school and accessing any and all support they offer? Eg a lot of schools have ELSA support for children who are struggling or have had complex home lives - that would be a good first step. I'd also say that regular contact with teachers to ensure that as things change things at home and school are on the same page.

Still with school - is your bf on the class WhatsApp group? He should be able to get a sense of who is who and what's what from there eg re parties etc. if your SDD has a friend that she'd like to invite for a playdate - the WhatsApp group is a useful way to get that number. It may be that you have to do this as some people are weird about arranging play dates with men.

Re food/hygeine etc - I'd let that one continue as you are with modelling good things and ensuring there is sufficient of the right things in the house. 9 is not a weird age to be concerned about weight and looking different - and teasing can be happening at school - but the most important thing is whether she's broadly eating a balanced and nutritious diet and getting enough exercise. Work on that rather than on specific weight loss efforts. Are there activities/groups that she could join and that, ideally, your BF can take her to? martial arts, hockey, swimming, dance classes, gymnastics.... these are all good choices for both activity levels and making friends.

Thanks for such a detailed response. I totally understand the concerns people are having around my BF being the primary carer. It's great that people feel able to give such candid advice. I'm a big believer in saying what you mean and not skirting around the issues. I'm definitely keeping my eye on the split of work and making sure he is taking that role, while I support him where he has gaps (some are quite significant gaps, but he's learning). There has been a social worker involvement for a time, but that he's now ceased, and the school have been involved in that too.

I didn't know there were class WhatsApp groups. He isn't on one - I'll let him know to look into that.

Activities and groups are a good idea. She generally likes trying new things, so we can have a chat with her about what she might be interested in.

Thank You

OP posts:
Yesiamtiredactually · 17/05/2023 16:19

The fact that you’ve considered all of the things you’ve listed and are asking for advice so as to do your best speaks volumes! This girl is so lucky to have you and your boyfriend as her family.

Original poster
JTheStepMum · 17/05/2023 16:20

Sulusu · 17/05/2023 15:13

You sound like a nice person OP.
Other posters have given lots of good advice, my only one would be consistency. Kids feel safest when they have clear and consistent boundaries, especially after periods of upheaveal in their lives. Sounds like you are doing a great job.

Thank you. I feel lucky to have had that myself from my mum, so I hope I'm passing that on to her.

OP posts:
Fruitful82 · 17/05/2023 16:21

Your boyfriend sounds a thoroughly shit parent OP

i couldn’t respect let alone love someone like that

Original poster
JTheStepMum · 17/05/2023 16:22

AnxiousShep · 17/05/2023 15:14

Re the lying, think carefully about how you word questions. My ds is autistic and one of his triggers has always been being in trouble. So he would always answer with what he thought I wanted to hear regardless of it being the truth or not. I had to think of ways of asking that allowed him to respond with the truth. Not easy.

That's really interesting. I'll pay more attention to the words I use. I can see how that could have an effect. Thank you.

OP posts:
Fruitful82 · 17/05/2023 16:23

My boyfriend seems to trust me completely

well yes, I’m sure he does. Would be inconvenient for him if he didn’t

GeriKellmansUpdo · 17/05/2023 16:24

Fruitful82 · 17/05/2023 16:23

My boyfriend seems to trust me completely

well yes, I’m sure he does. Would be inconvenient for him if he didn’t

Indeed. It suits him to trust her. Because otherwise he would have to step up.

fluffiphlox · 17/05/2023 16:26

You sound very kind and they are lucky blighters to have you.

mumonthehill · 17/05/2023 16:27

You have had great responses, but I am going to add buying swing ball into the mix for the garden. During lockdown this was our sporty saviour as really fun, really easy to play. It is great for some exercise but also good to get rid of frustration! An easy way to get exercise as perhaps a trampoline might be if you have room.

Fruitful82 · 17/05/2023 16:27

GeriKellmansUpdo · 17/05/2023 16:24

Indeed. It suits him to trust her. Because otherwise he would have to step up.

Show quote history

For 18 months he has been solely looking after this child and here she is…. Overweight living on junk, spends her evenings on phones and gaming.

BadNomad · 17/05/2023 16:27

Is there a reason why her own father was unable to find out this stuff for himself? He's been a father for 9 years. Full-time for a year and a half of that. None of it is secret information that can only be unlocked by XX chromosomes.

Original poster
JTheStepMum · 17/05/2023 16:29

ItsCalledAConversation · 17/05/2023 15:25

I find it hilarious that you think that because people have given birth to children, that they magically know the answers to all your questions. I don’t know either, I just love my kids, try to get by and wing it. So does everyone else I know. You being a step parent doesn’t make you a visitor in our land, you don’t get native guides. Just prioritise your kid and work it out for yourself like everyone else has to.

I guess it is funny, but I'm glad I asked the question. I've had some amazing advice from people on here, that I didn't know before. As I say to new starters at work, the only stupid question is an unasked one. Even if no one else knows that answer, you feel less alone knowing it's not just you. It's so nice to meet such a sharing group of people who are making feel less alone. Thank you all.

OP posts:
Fruitful82 · 17/05/2023 16:29

He absolutely is at times, but I believe it's lack of knowledge/experience/confidenc

FFS he has been her only parent for 18 months