I never planned on kids, and now I've got one in my house.

[JTheStepMum]

I'm looking for any and all advice that anyone would like to provide. I'm in at the deep end, having never learnt to swim.

For background, my boyfriend and his 9 year old daughter moved in with me at spring half term. Everything is working great, with only minor issues we work through when they pop up. The birth mother is pretty much out of the picture (she has one supervised meeting with her daughter each week, and that isn't expected to change). I'm in my 40s, I don't have any kids, and won't be having any in the future - I never wanted kids of my own.

My boyfriend went from being fun-time weekend dad to full-time dad about 18 months ago. When I met him he was struggling to be all things to his daughter, especially relating to her school life where he feels completely out of his depth as he's not very academic and he's intimidated by the mum cliques in the playground.

I get on really well with his daughter, we have lots of fun together, and it turns out I'm pretty maternal despite still not wanting children of my own. Somehow I seem to have her respect and she responds well when I ask her to do things like go to bed and take a shower. She used to argue with her dad about these things, but she's doing well with these now we all live together.

My main concern though is that I never had any intention of looking after a child until recently, so I haven't prepared for it at all. I'd be glad of any guidance, especially relating to school and health - assume I know nothing and let rip with your advice! These are just a few of the questions that are in my mind right now:

• How do I make sure she's not the smelly/weird kid at school - I'm pretty sure she has been (I've already learnt to handle lice/nit detection and removal from both of our hair)?
• How do you handle homework and overseeing school activities - how much help do you give and/or homework diary checking do you do?
• How do play dates / friendships out of school work - she doesn't seem to have many friends, and the ones she has she doesn't see outside of school, other than a couple came to her birthday party last year?
• What do I encourage her to do in the evenings for fun - she tends to either want to watch YouTube, play on the Nintendo Switch, or be my shadow (which I'm glad it's that and not the alternative, but it's really exhausting)?
• She is over-weight (and I know she worries about it) as she's eaten badly in the past - she's had both extremes in the past: not enough food and too much with lots of treats - but what can I do to help with that without making a big deal of it or do I just make sure she's eating a healthy balance of foods? Is it something that she will grow into? I'm over-weight myself, but I hope I model being a larger person who loves their body and knows how to stay healthy in lots of ways while still keeping life fun.
• I've caught her lying, mainly about little things, and I think it's because she used to get in 'serious trouble' when she did something wrong, so she panics and tries to avoid trouble by any means possible. I can see her startle like a rabbit is head-lights when she thinks she's in trouble. I'm trying to be compassionate with her and let her know that things are different now, but any ideas how I can get the balance right between discipline and making her feel safe.

My boyfriend seems to trust me completely and he has said that he's very grateful for my help and that he's learned a lot from me. I'm just happy I can help. Like all children, she deserves to be given the best chance. I'm only doing what my mum did for me. I know I feel really lucky and appreciate what she did for me so much more now. <3

Thank You.

Is there some mysterious reason why her dad can't remove the nits from her hair? The bare minimum for such a loving person.

You are doing brilliantly!

Your first question about hygiene is something we struggled with, the best approach is to be open, provide necessary care items to her and have a communal store eg I kept spare deodorant, sanitary products etc in the bathroom so no need to ask. We had a 3x a week shower policy for the reluctant one linked to allowance, we found having rules helped everyone know what was expected (some may insist on daily but I had enough issues with this). Allowing her to always come to speak to you without judgement about things really does pay dividends as they approach the teen years.

Homework is tricky, I didn't really supervise past year 4, I provided all that was needed and space, help if asked but I didn't micro manage them because I wanted them to manage themselves, think it paid off.

Provide a healthy balanced diet and plenty of exercise in the normal routine eg try going out for walks in the light evenings, if you don't have a dog perhaps an elderly neighbour needs help walking theirs? A fun active activity one evening perhaps? We also did orienteering as a family sometimes.

Friends are tricky, widening her experiences will help her make new ones

I'd like to thank everyone who has taken to time to send suggestions and kind words, and even the messages which have offered words of warning in a constructive and considerate way.

It's such a shame that there are people who choose to send toxic messages, with no recognition that they only have a small piece of the picture. I suspect that you or someone you care about has been hurt by someone that you have been reminded of by my words, and I'm truly sorry that you have had to go through that. Unfortunately, you are the reason that some people are unable to reach out for help. You are the cause of pain that is suffered due to lack of knowledge and understanding, because people are too scared to ask.

I won't be responding to any more messages, but I am truly grateful for the help that I did receive today. Thank you.

She is over-weight (and I know she worries about it) as she's eaten badly in the past - she's had both extremes in the past: not enough food and too much with lots of treats - but what can I do to help with that without making a big deal of it or do I just make sure she's eating a healthy balance of foods?

Seems like she enjoys your company and perhaps sees you as a mentor? Capitalise on that. Announce you feel like going on a health kick because you don't think your diet is the best. Ask shadow-child if she wants to help you cook, she'll probably agree. Fetch out a cookbook and teach her to cook healthy meals containing lots of vegetables. Improves her current health, provides the bonding time she seems to need, useful life lessons for the future and someone has to cook dinner each evening anyway.

Good luck.

I really hope you both prioritise developing his bond with her as it sounds like that is the part that needs the most work and is the most important for her continuing happiness and security. Every time you step in that is one occasion less for him to strengthen his relationship with her.

Wish my step parent had been as emotionally intelligent and as focused on my needs as you are. Just love and praise her. Make baths routine and fun. Get bath bombs and let her listen to a story on ipad in the bath. Don't mention weight. Just fill her with fresh delicious food and maybe consider getting her a small dog for walks, play and having a source of unconditional love.

I am sorry that you see them as toxic messages. What I see is a woman who never wanted children roped into doing the donkey work of raising a child, while a man hasn't figured out how to do the bare minimum in 9 years. Unless there is something you have not revealed. In which case posters can hardly be blamed for not having the full picture.

• How do I make sure she's not the smelly/weird kid at school - I'm pretty sure she has been (I've already learnt to handle lice/nit detection and removal from both of our hair)?

Agree with the PP who mentioned a trip to Superdrug. Get her to choose a nice shower gel and some shampoo and conditioner. If you've got a bath, maybe a nice bath foam or a bubble bar from Lush. Encourage a bath or shower every day and maybe do something like choosing some face packs and having a pamper night.

• How do you handle homework and overseeing school activities - how much help do you give and/or homework diary checking do you do?

I'd do this daily, one of you needs to help her unpack her bag and check the diary, then see what needs doing for the next day and if she needs help. Is your BF doing the things like listening to her read?

• How do play dates / friendships out of school work - she doesn't seem to have many friends, and the ones she has she doesn't see outside of school, other than a couple came to her birthday party last year?

Could you encourage her to invite a friend for tea one night?

• What do I encourage her to do in the evenings for fun - she tends to either want to watch YouTube, play on the Nintendo Switch, or be my shadow (which I'm glad it's that and not the alternative, but it's really exhausting)?

If she's shadowing you, would she do things like go on a walk, all of you together? Does she do anything like swimming lessons or Cubs? At that age both of mine were pretty into their activities, things like climbing, cubs and cricket.

• She is over-weight (and I know she worries about it) as she's eaten badly in the past - she's had both extremes in the past: not enough food and too much with lots of treats - but what can I do to help with that without making a big deal of it or do I just make sure she's eating a healthy balance of foods? Is it something that she will grow into? I'm over-weight myself, but I hope I model being a larger person who loves their body and knows how to stay healthy in lots of ways while still keeping life fun.

First thing to do is to check with your Bf that she's registered with a Dentisy and her checks are up to date.

She might be better sticking to what she knows for now with food but there's a good guide here on what she should be havingg*. It includes sample menus and portion sizes.

If she does more activity that might help, so do things like encourage your BF take her swimming.

• I've caught her lying, mainly about little things, and I think it's because she used to get in 'serious trouble' when she did something wrong, so she panics and tries to avoid trouble by any means possible. I can see her startle like a rabbit is head-lights when she thinks she's in trouble. I'm trying to be compassionate with her and let her know that things are different now, but any ideas how I can get the balance right between discipline and making her feel safe.

I'm not sure on this one but one thing that I did want to mention is that there is a very small possibility that she could have ASD. It's more likely that she's just acclimatising but lack of personal hygiene, only wanting brown foods, lack of friends and lying can all be signs of ASD.

So your BF went from (fairly hands off?)weekend dad to full-time dad of a 7.5 year old around the time he met you?

And instead of dedicating the last 18 months to learning how to care for his child he cultivated a serious enough relationship with you that you all now live together and you are starting from square-one with parenting this child?

Poor little girl.

If you have her friends over then plan to invite the parent in for a quick coffee at the end of the time, they may have to dash off, but being on speaking terms with parents of friends can help. Maybe even suggest the park as a first time because at 9 the parents would not usually come but they may feel a little uncertain if her mum was a bit chaotic. Then they have a chance to get to know you a bit more.

Being a step parent is not easy . I think you will learn as you go along . If you feel comfortable in your maternal role then maybe get to know other mums and plan a em few after school play dates ? Speak with her , tell her everyone makes mistakes but you should always own up to them and deal with it , that she will not be in trouble for telling the truth but she will be for lying .
As a step mum myself it’s not always easy to know the boundaries , but thankfully my stepsons have a lovely mum so my role is not the same .
mas a mum myself I would say you are going everything right . Be proud of yourself

What an awful comment , clearly he is learning . Do you really think he should not have relationships because he became a full time dad ?

Maybe he shouldn't tbh. He obviously has a little girl on his hands who has been through a lot of change. It might not be a bad idea to focus entirely on her for a while.

He’s landed on his feet

someone to parent his daughter and house them both

I would discuss how PR works with your bf. Currently you have a very good repor with a child of a man that you're dating.

Tomorrow, if something happened to your bf or if your relationship with your bf deteriorated, this child would then loose her mother figure, again.

At 9, this is an age that she's learning about her body developing and will need women around her to navigate this. Women that are going to be like family are great until they're removed from your life.

Then she gets to grieve a loss - mother figure again. Many turn to addictions or act out through bullying, chasing friendships that don't last etc to manage this grief.

My best suggestion would be to decide whether you want to be in this child's life through thick and thin. This would mean applying to adopt her.

Its a very permanent decision which you need to discuss with both your bf child and your bf. If this is not something you want, you need to make sure that your bf knows this.

Given it appears he did not spend the last year and a half getting to grips with parenting her, even as far as food and hygiene? And she had a chaotic time with her mum? I actually do think he shouldn't have been pursuing a relationship in that time. We all only have the time we have.

You are exactly what this little girl needs. 💐

Op you sound lovely. And I don’t want to seem like I am just digging at you. But I really urge you rethink this situation.

18 months ago, this child went from living with (I presume) her mother with your boyfriend being a weekend Dad. Then all that changed. And it sounds like neither parent is a fit parent.

She has had so much go on. And now she has been given another parental figure.

But you aren’t just taking her on. You are taking someone on who isn’t a fit parent. He isn’t. He has had sole care of her for 18 months and can not look after her. He doesn’t sound like a fully functional, independent adult. He doesn’t understand hygiene? He doesn’t understand health? Nits? He isn’t meeting her need and the only excuse for that would be that he has (quite severe) developmental issues, which means you are also taking caring for him as well. If he doesn’t understand hygiene, he can’t be making sure he is clean? Can he get himself to and from work? Honestly, 18 months and he is ‘starting to gain confidence’ in being a parent, isn’t ok. And, yes, he should have been concentrating on helping her through a difficult time. Not dating. I say that as someone who is a single parent.

Loads of parents don’t really like school gates. You are only there to drop off or pick up your child. Play dates aren’t a must. And with all the social issues, it’s possible this won’t be an issue for a while. And soon she will be at high school which means organising her own meet ups.

Again, I am not having a dig. I think you have taken far too much on. You have a child that is likely to have a lot of issues and man who isn’t a partner. And they moved into your house.

and if you have enough, in a year or 2, she will lose another parental figure. So she will end up further harmed. Or you will end up trapped in an unhappy relationship feeling your can’t tell them to leave. Which again, isn’t good for her. I don’t think he is putting her first and I fear he is taking advantage of you.

I really do urge to reconsider while it’s early enough she doesn’t have a deep bond with you.

Sounds like you are doing brilliantly and to even think and question the possible negative situations means you are truly on board. Best advice, just keep on doing what you are doing and cross every hurdle when you come to it, like any of us! One day, week a time as they change so much so sth you've thought and worried about means nothing to them! Being loved, fed, interacted with, boundaries, it will all just happen. X

Re food
Id encourage her to also wonder if she is hungry and just fancy the desert/extra helping etc..l.
Not in a judging way but to help her earn the difference between being hungry and fancying things/being bored/emotional eating.
Esp if she has lived through phases when she was hungry, knowing that she will be able to eat jf she is hungry will be important fir her.

First, don't say "birth mother". It's just mother, she doesn't have another one. You are not her mother.

Why isn't her dad doing all this?

Read the thread

Not read all the comments.

Just wanted to say re the smelly kid thing don't just buy her deodorant and soaps. You need to talk through how to wash herself. I had this with my step daughter- no one had taught her how to wash and when I got on and my partner to address the problem she was older and it was awkward and he just kept getting her products with no instructions she had to actually wash and how to do that. She really didn't like me so I couldn't help her with such a personal problem. Your SD is a lucky one

Excellent post from Effieswig. I hope you have a think about it OP.

You sound amazing . You step daughter and BF are very lucky to have you. I have had a few step parents throughout my life , and you sound absolutely fantastic.