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Step-parenting

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Original poster

I never planned on kids, and now I've got one in my house.

115 replies

JTheStepMum · 17/05/2023 14:15

I'm looking for any and all advice that anyone would like to provide. I'm in at the deep end, having never learnt to swim.

For background, my boyfriend and his 9 year old daughter moved in with me at spring half term. Everything is working great, with only minor issues we work through when they pop up. The birth mother is pretty much out of the picture (she has one supervised meeting with her daughter each week, and that isn't expected to change). I'm in my 40s, I don't have any kids, and won't be having any in the future - I never wanted kids of my own.

My boyfriend went from being fun-time weekend dad to full-time dad about 18 months ago. When I met him he was struggling to be all things to his daughter, especially relating to her school life where he feels completely out of his depth as he's not very academic and he's intimidated by the mum cliques in the playground.

I get on really well with his daughter, we have lots of fun together, and it turns out I'm pretty maternal despite still not wanting children of my own. Somehow I seem to have her respect and she responds well when I ask her to do things like go to bed and take a shower. She used to argue with her dad about these things, but she's doing well with these now we all live together.

My main concern though is that I never had any intention of looking after a child until recently, so I haven't prepared for it at all. I'd be glad of any guidance, especially relating to school and health - assume I know nothing and let rip with your advice! These are just a few of the questions that are in my mind right now:

  • How do I make sure she's not the smelly/weird kid at school - I'm pretty sure she has been (I've already learnt to handle lice/nit detection and removal from both of our hair)?
  • How do you handle homework and overseeing school activities - how much help do you give and/or homework diary checking do you do?
  • How do play dates / friendships out of school work - she doesn't seem to have many friends, and the ones she has she doesn't see outside of school, other than a couple came to her birthday party last year?
  • What do I encourage her to do in the evenings for fun - she tends to either want to watch YouTube, play on the Nintendo Switch, or be my shadow (which I'm glad it's that and not the alternative, but it's really exhausting)?
  • She is over-weight (and I know she worries about it) as she's eaten badly in the past - she's had both extremes in the past: not enough food and too much with lots of treats - but what can I do to help with that without making a big deal of it or do I just make sure she's eating a healthy balance of foods? Is it something that she will grow into? I'm over-weight myself, but I hope I model being a larger person who loves their body and knows how to stay healthy in lots of ways while still keeping life fun.
  • I've caught her lying, mainly about little things, and I think it's because she used to get in 'serious trouble' when she did something wrong, so she panics and tries to avoid trouble by any means possible. I can see her startle like a rabbit is head-lights when she thinks she's in trouble. I'm trying to be compassionate with her and let her know that things are different now, but any ideas how I can get the balance right between discipline and making her feel safe.
My boyfriend seems to trust me completely and he has said that he's very grateful for my help and that he's learned a lot from me. I'm just happy I can help. Like all children, she deserves to be given the best chance. I'm only doing what my mum did for me. I know I feel really lucky and appreciate what she did for me so much more now. <3

Thank You.

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pinkyredrose · 17/05/2023 16:30

All the questions you're asking are the ones your fella should be asking.

She isn't your step daughter, she's your boyfriend's daughter.

Why did you ask them to move in? Or was it his idea?

Original poster
JTheStepMum · 17/05/2023 16:31

purplepencilcase · 17/05/2023 15:29

I thought this too. How blooming refreshing!!
Good for you OP, I hope you have a lot of joy together.

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Thank you. I am finding a lot of joy in life where I had never thought to look before. It's interesting what life gives you when you least expect it.

OP posts:
Original poster
JTheStepMum · 17/05/2023 16:33

Siriusmuggle · 17/05/2023 15:30

You sound like you’re making a great job of it, well done.
Re weight/hobbies how about seeing if she’d enjoy a team sport like hockey or rugby- covers both bases that way.

I will definitely look into that. I know she enjoys rugby at school, and I always enjoyed netball. Thank you.

OP posts:
pinkyredrose · 17/05/2023 16:33

Yesiamtiredactually · 17/05/2023 16:19

The fact that you’ve considered all of the things you’ve listed and are asking for advice so as to do your best speaks volumes! This girl is so lucky to have you and your boyfriend as her family.

Shame her father didn't consider all those things. He doesn’t need to now, he's got a woman to outsource everything to.

Original poster
JTheStepMum · 17/05/2023 16:34

Redlarge · 17/05/2023 15:30

You are doing amazing x

Thank you. So very kind x

OP posts:
WhatInFreshHell · 17/05/2023 16:36

You sound lovely OP!!

Original poster
JTheStepMum · 17/05/2023 16:36

mycatsanutter · 17/05/2023 15:36

I have a 9 year old son with regards to hygiene he has a bath every night , he enjoys that chilling out lazy part of the day . With regards to meals and her being over weight why don't you meal plan together and involve her in cooking . With the weather getting nicer and if you and your bf think she is having too much screen time how about a trip to a park after tea . Kids thrive on boundaries and positive attention makes them feel secure and loved. Sounds like you are doing a great job 😀

Some great ideas. I think getting outside to the park would be good for all of us. Thank you.

BTW I've got 3 cats and they are all nutters too. :D

OP posts:
Original poster
JTheStepMum · 17/05/2023 16:38

ClaraBourne · 17/05/2023 15:38

Well to be fair to the OP it's a gradual process of learning, advice from family friends magazines because you have an interest, health visitors, GP when you see them, chatting to other parents and trusting instinct which takes practice too.

Well done OP from starting from the best place which is a place of love.

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Thank you. I'm glad I asked here too. It's a place full of lots of experiences I've missed and people who are interested in sharing those experiences with me. x

OP posts:
Fruitful82 · 17/05/2023 16:39

I hope this relationship doesn’t break up

otherwise this girl will be left with a shit parent

Original poster
JTheStepMum · 17/05/2023 16:43

Lwrenagain · 17/05/2023 16:03

So @JTheStepMum, it's fair to say you're a bloody natural at this and as a mum and ex stepmum I'd absolutely love you if you were my kids' bonus parent! You're fucking smashing it! (My eldest DC has a great SM, I might let her inherit my other kids if I kick the bucket 😂)

I just wanted to say that her behaviour may change on/off due to trauma but if that happens I'd recommend the adoption board, even just to scroll through, the posters are really kind and knowledgeable and not judgey at all.

Kids are proper awkward at this age and if you're getting through to her now then you're really doing well 💐💐💐

OMG, thank you. It is strange being thrust into this when a child is already talking and thinking so strongly for herself. I thought I had imposter syndrome at work, but this is another level. Your comments mean so much. Thank you.

I'll definitely take a look at the adoption board. I can see how there will be so much good advice there. x

OP posts:
Original poster
JTheStepMum · 17/05/2023 16:49

Laurdo · 17/05/2023 16:05

I was in the same boat as you. No kids and never wanted any, not because I didn't like kids or wasn't good with them, but because I enjoyed my independent too much. Make sure you don't lose that. Make sure you still make time for yourself, see friends etc.

We have 50/50 custody of my DHs kids so it's easy for me to retain some of my independence than it will be for you with having DSD full time. But as others have said, ultimately the kid is your DPs responsibility and while it's great that you want to help and be so involved just remember that it's not obligatory.

Look into enrolling her in some clubs and hobbies. That will help with both her weight and with making friends.

You say you're also overweight, I think it would be a good idea to lead by example. Go for walks with her, bike rides. Pick out some healthy recipes together and get her involved in cooking.

In terms of homework, I'd let her get on with the majority herself and tell her that if she gets stuck on any questions etc to ask for help. If you take over too much she's not going to learn the same way she would working things out for herself.

The lying thing will get easier in time as she starts to feel more secure. Especially as she has limited time with her mum. Just keep reassuring her that your home is a safe place. We have this issue with my oldest DSS who's 16. His mother is a compulsive liar, she's also very volatile and there's a lot of screaming and shouting that goes on in her house. My SS will lie if he's done something wrong or will lie about his intentions. He tells DH what he thinks he wants to hear. DH has spoken to him about his lying endless times and that he'd rather know the truth than be told what he thinks DH wants to hear (DH often is that bothered). This is something we've really struggled with and I think because he's still around his mum where he perhaps feels like he has to lie in order to avoid conflict, that the habit is hard to kill.

You're doing amazing! You seem to have her best interests at heart and that's what will make you a good parent. The practical bits will fall into place in time like they do for any parent.

Thank you so much for your kind words and great advice. Hearing about your experiences of lying sound really familiar. It helps to hear another persons view of this.

You're so right that I should lead by example. I think we definitely should all get out together and find ways to be healthier with the focus on fun. :)

OP posts:
ArcticSkewer · 17/05/2023 16:49

God, men are shit.

Seriously op, you sound lovely, none of this is your job, stop being a rescuer and put this back on him. He is her parent for life. You probably aren't. He needs to learn all this stuff so he bonds with her - and flattering you by telling you he is 'learning so much' from you is a big red flag for a user personality.

I'd advise stepping right back so he can strengthen his bond with her. That's really important and should be both your priority right now. You can support him to support her if he is really that useless

Original poster
JTheStepMum · 17/05/2023 16:52

GeriKellmansUpdo · 17/05/2023 16:05

I find it very odd that your BF is learning how to parent from you when it's his DD!

He's intimidated by mum cliques? Tough.

I think you are taking on too much.

It just makes me feel lucky that I had such a great role model and that I have the space in my life for two amazing, loving people. It is taking some work, but I'm not the only one putting it in and it definitely feels worth it.

OP posts:
Original poster
JTheStepMum · 17/05/2023 16:55

Yesiamtiredactually · 17/05/2023 16:19

The fact that you’ve considered all of the things you’ve listed and are asking for advice so as to do your best speaks volumes! This girl is so lucky to have you and your boyfriend as her family.

Thank you so much. I feel like we are all lucky to have each other. Who knew I had a family to look forward to? My younger self would never have believed it. 😝

OP posts:
ArcticSkewer · 17/05/2023 16:58

JTheStepMum · 17/05/2023 16:52

It just makes me feel lucky that I had such a great role model and that I have the space in my life for two amazing, loving people. It is taking some work, but I'm not the only one putting it in and it definitely feels worth it.

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That's not usually the case with rescuer dynamics tbh so I'm glad you yourself had a good role model growing up.

Usually there is a background of alcoholic parent, or parent with severe mental health problems or some other inability to cope with life and the child stepped in to help. It becomes a role they continue with in adult relationships.

Don't fall into that trap in adulthood, it's really not necessary and just leads to difficult codependency.

What is your boyfriend doing to learn about how to parent his own child?

Jifmicroliquid · 17/05/2023 17:00

What a lucky young lady she is to have you looking out for and keen to get things right to give her the best chance in life.

Original poster
JTheStepMum · 17/05/2023 17:01

Fruitful82 · 17/05/2023 16:21

Your boyfriend sounds a thoroughly shit parent OP

i couldn’t respect let alone love someone like that

My question has obviously misrepresented him, so the error is all mine. I both respect and love him, but obviously you are entitled to your opinion based on my badly written words and I respect that.

OP posts:
Original poster
JTheStepMum · 17/05/2023 17:04

fluffiphlox · 17/05/2023 16:26

You sound very kind and they are lucky blighters to have you.

Thank you. I'm also lucky to have them.

OP posts:
vicaragechristmas · 17/05/2023 17:06

Combination idea for the food and spare time: would she like to help you cook? That way you can model healthy eating, promote a healthy interest in food, and she gets to shadow you and keep off her games, and allows both of you more interaction. Your bf can always join in too and make it a family evening thing. Maybe once or twice a week at first?

Bless you for being the stepmother she needs. Sounds like she needs stability in her life and you and her dad are there to provide it.

PutinSmellsPassItOn · 17/05/2023 17:08

Sounds like you're doing fine to me.......fwiw I know someone who was extremely unmaternal, had no want or need to have her own dc. She still doesn't, but she's an amazing Foster carer to older dc and has been a youth worker for years.

Not being maternal doesn't mean you're unable to put a young person's best interests at heart.

Original poster
JTheStepMum · 17/05/2023 17:08

mumonthehill · 17/05/2023 16:27

You have had great responses, but I am going to add buying swing ball into the mix for the garden. During lockdown this was our sporty saviour as really fun, really easy to play. It is great for some exercise but also good to get rid of frustration! An easy way to get exercise as perhaps a trampoline might be if you have room.

What a fab idea. I loved swing ball as a child. We're definitely doing that. Thank you.

OP posts:
Original poster
JTheStepMum · 17/05/2023 17:11

BadNomad · 17/05/2023 16:27

Is there a reason why her own father was unable to find out this stuff for himself? He's been a father for 9 years. Full-time for a year and a half of that. None of it is secret information that can only be unlocked by XX chromosomes.

Yes, there is. Thank you for your question.

OP posts:
Original poster
JTheStepMum · 17/05/2023 17:13

WhatInFreshHell · 17/05/2023 16:36

You sound lovely OP!!

Thank you. x

OP posts:
Aila1880 · 17/05/2023 17:14

You are doing great!
Regards hygiene I'd just get into a routine and stick to it. Teeth and face clean morning and night, showers and hair wash at least several times a week. If she starts to develop bo you can get child friendly natural roll ons.
If she's overweight and struggling with friendships at school you could try clubs in your local area swimming, guides, dance, karate, horse riding? Keeps them off the tech as well. Sometimes kids do boredom eat.

Tiredalwaystired · 17/05/2023 17:23

Just wanted to say you sound amazing.