I never planned on kids, and now I've got one in my house.

[JTheStepMum]

I'm looking for any and all advice that anyone would like to provide. I'm in at the deep end, having never learnt to swim.

For background, my boyfriend and his 9 year old daughter moved in with me at spring half term. Everything is working great, with only minor issues we work through when they pop up. The birth mother is pretty much out of the picture (she has one supervised meeting with her daughter each week, and that isn't expected to change). I'm in my 40s, I don't have any kids, and won't be having any in the future - I never wanted kids of my own.

My boyfriend went from being fun-time weekend dad to full-time dad about 18 months ago. When I met him he was struggling to be all things to his daughter, especially relating to her school life where he feels completely out of his depth as he's not very academic and he's intimidated by the mum cliques in the playground.

I get on really well with his daughter, we have lots of fun together, and it turns out I'm pretty maternal despite still not wanting children of my own. Somehow I seem to have her respect and she responds well when I ask her to do things like go to bed and take a shower. She used to argue with her dad about these things, but she's doing well with these now we all live together.

My main concern though is that I never had any intention of looking after a child until recently, so I haven't prepared for it at all. I'd be glad of any guidance, especially relating to school and health - assume I know nothing and let rip with your advice! These are just a few of the questions that are in my mind right now:

• How do I make sure she's not the smelly/weird kid at school - I'm pretty sure she has been (I've already learnt to handle lice/nit detection and removal from both of our hair)?
• How do you handle homework and overseeing school activities - how much help do you give and/or homework diary checking do you do?
• How do play dates / friendships out of school work - she doesn't seem to have many friends, and the ones she has she doesn't see outside of school, other than a couple came to her birthday party last year?
• What do I encourage her to do in the evenings for fun - she tends to either want to watch YouTube, play on the Nintendo Switch, or be my shadow (which I'm glad it's that and not the alternative, but it's really exhausting)?
• She is over-weight (and I know she worries about it) as she's eaten badly in the past - she's had both extremes in the past: not enough food and too much with lots of treats - but what can I do to help with that without making a big deal of it or do I just make sure she's eating a healthy balance of foods? Is it something that she will grow into? I'm over-weight myself, but I hope I model being a larger person who loves their body and knows how to stay healthy in lots of ways while still keeping life fun.
• I've caught her lying, mainly about little things, and I think it's because she used to get in 'serious trouble' when she did something wrong, so she panics and tries to avoid trouble by any means possible. I can see her startle like a rabbit is head-lights when she thinks she's in trouble. I'm trying to be compassionate with her and let her know that things are different now, but any ideas how I can get the balance right between discipline and making her feel safe.

My boyfriend seems to trust me completely and he has said that he's very grateful for my help and that he's learned a lot from me. I'm just happy I can help. Like all children, she deserves to be given the best chance. I'm only doing what my mum did for me. I know I feel really lucky and appreciate what she did for me so much more now. <3

Thank You.

This is definitely something to think in op.

As I just commented with the hygiene I have some experience with a neglected SD. I genuinely believed it was the mum till I moved in with my ex and saw his laziness had allowed it to happen and was essentially negligent himself.

Be aware of what you are taking on with this child. If you want to do it you are a better person than me I couldn't get past it with my ex myself

@JTheStepMum - you sound absolutely lovely - your SD and certainly partner are both lucky to have you.

I’m glad you’ve had some supportive, constructive messages on this thread. Hopefully they’ll go some way towards helping you navigate this situation.

Be wary of dismissing the messages you didn’t like to hear as coming from a place of toxicity.

It is invariably women with functional men who can spot the dysfunctional ones a mile off.

If you think about it, someone who’s tethered to a hopeless man isn’t going to be berating you for the same thing.

I’m not necessarily saying your partner is hopeless. But for many of us reading this cold, and only going by the information you’ve presented, there are certainly some red flags.

Just be aware. It’s just as likely that this will be a learning journey for both of you. Make sure it is. Do not let this all fall to you. Her father has a critical role to play here, and he needs to step up to the plate.

A pp warned you about looking after your own heart, as in the event of a break-up, you’d have no rights when it comes to your SD.

Well, I can tell you now, it’s virtually inconceivable that your partner will break up with you? He has a roof over his head and a proxy mother for his child.

What is more likely is that the relationship becomes less and less tenable for you - as the mental and physical load becomes too much, and resentment sets in.

Have you heard of the mental load? It’s something many, many mothers are only too familiar with, and it’s why your set-up is very much ringing alarm bells for many: https://english.emmaclit.com/2017/05/20/you-shouldve-asked/

But you won’t feel able to end the relationship because there’s too much at stake.

Just a word of caution - don’t let it get to that place. Make sure your partner does his job and steps up.

OP, you really do sound like a great woman and she is a lucky girl that you are so interested in her well being.

You have had great encouragement to adapt good eating and exercise habits.

Not buying junk food and surgary stuff will help.

As girls grow up they do become quite body conscious and the rounding happens around 8/9 and will get worse if not nipped in the bud.

I've seen it in both my daughters classes and the difficulties it then brought on as they have gotten older.

Being chubby IS hard for girls.

Focusing on always eating "healthily", no mention of fat, or being over weight, only ever about eating good healthy fuel food.

We lay down our fat cells apparently when we are young so it will help her enormously for her future happiness and contentment to maintain a healthy weight.

Going out walking, joining sports clubs, combined with a good diet will help her weight, skin, and hair thrive as she enters her teens.

Checking out a good parenting book for tweens and even a parenting course would be very beneficial to your partner.

Good bed routines, showering, teeth.
Doing her homework well, taking care, reading every day will lay down good habits for secondary school, which will give her the best chance of future success.

Wishing you well.

Op you sound like a saint.

My advice to you is don't lose yourself. You can treat the girl with kindness and have a positive impact without taking on the entire mental load and becoming default childcare.

Hi. I found myself with a neglected 14 year old suddenly. Although I’d had children, it was really different. Normal ages for doing stuff don’t apply when a child has been neglected. If you leave her to get on with homework, she wont know what to do.
She won’t know how to wash, or when to change her clothes. Her periods will start soon, and she will need all of it spelling out. Make sure she knows that it’s ok if she gets blood on her clothes or sheets, that everyone does.
As food has been a problem she is likely to have a very disordered attitude, ours rations food, in case no more comes, others eat everything for the same reason. Her social skills may be very underdeveloped, which can be isolating. She may expect to be disliked. You are perceptive about the lying, it needs to be really ok to make mistakes.
Monitor social media usage, including games. She is really vulnerable to exploitation. Don’t worry about checking her media, and laying down boundaries in all areas she will like it, she will experience that as being loved and noticed, and you will definitell6 need to be able to say no as she gets older.
Music is very helpful for children with trauma, particularly percussion, and yoga is wonderful to relax the body. She will have trauma, she’s had loads of change, and neglect / emotional abuse at least. Read up on on Adverse Childhood Experiences. The very best you can do for this child is to be a consistent and loving presence in her life, and it’s clear that youve made an excellent start.

Great post @Zebracat

What thoughtful questions. I would ask around about parenting classes in your area. You seem to be good at this nurturing!

No need to respond OP, but you sound like a fabulous parent, kind and thoughtful. They are both lucky to have you and it sounds like they have also enriched your life too.

Um, shouldn't the father be asking about parenting classes? 🤔

Depressing to see how many posters are gushing over how good she's being with her fairly new boyfriends daughter.

If only the father was making as much effort.

You sound amazing!

On the weight front, please don't address it with her head on. Just get her used to good food and appropriate portions. Try to get her involved in a sport he enjoys (let her try things and see) and take it from there. Again, do t say you want her to do because of weight but just for fun.

If is possible to recognise that the op is doing a great job while also recognising that the dad should step up. The two positions aren't mutually exclusive.

Just wanted to reiterate what @Zebracat said about periods. It's not unusual for girls to start around 10 these days and this is more likely when a girl is overweight. She may not have been told much about it all so you could be starting from scratch talking about this and it really is worth spelling everything out- what's happening, hygiene, what to do if she gets blood on her clothes or bed (which she will), the fact it's all normal and not shameful, pain relief (including options if her pain is hard to manage).

Only read your original post and wanted to say you sound like an amazing woman going above and beyond.

Agree you sound lovely 😊

However your concern in the areas you mention strongly suggests to me that you don't feel secure in your partner taking control and bringing his Daughter up competently.
These are his responsibility and if he was doing a competent job you'd not need to be even thinking of these things.