Why did I open my mouth?

[Daisymoo222]

We're going away with my family this weekend. Partner mentioned the other day wanting his adult daughter to come for the day.

Last week she went out , left her kids with her mum, didn't return for 24hours, her mum missed work as she had to look after children. She's not very responsible but my partner and his ex don't say anything. After that he said I don't want her to come this weekend, honestly I was relieved because she's never ready on time, we spend ages waiting around and for some reason my anxiety goes through the roof whenever we do something with her.

He's just said she's coming now and I said oh great, that's us waiting about . She goes missing on nights out so we've had to go searching for her before too.
Bit annoyed too because he said he'd pay for her drinking/ food/ travel and this money is coming from our household money. I said I'd rather she didn't come now feel guilty because he said he was excited for her to meet my family.

I just get this anxiety that I find hard to explain when we go somewhere with her. I do like her might seem like I don't .

I should apologise to him shouldn't I?

I'm 42 and my dad and his partner have been together about 10 years. I've never met her family aside from her daughter who was st theirs when I was there once.

Is anyone in this scenario concerned about her or her children?

everyone just seems pissed off but missing serious red flags to me

Not sure why I felt my age was relevant but there we are, you have the full picture! 😂

Take it you’re not in the UK??

She sounds horrendous

Yes I'm in the UK, North too so its not exactly warm.
He's just said he wishes he could be proud of her but she doesn't help herself.
Someone has reported her previously to SS but nothing happened. I do think her kids are neglected and she's not responsible. She quite often asks dad for money but will waste it. He enables her behaviour.
I wouldn't dare treat my parents how she does. No respect.
My 17 year old is more respectful etc.

I think it was “in her 30s” so somewhere between 2-10 years younger than OP. I wonder whether she is trying to assert her role as child when her dad’s girlfriend isn’t much older than her.

or she might just be a dick.

He's just said he wishes he could be proud of her but she doesn't help herself.

He's never helped her either. One generation of shit parent begetting another.

Ah North

explains it! 😂

It's a fair point @Whoknewiwouldlovethedog but unfortunately her DP's were the ones who should have brought their DD up better/ got her some therapy when it became clear she needed some help. The Op is in no position to anything now the DD an adult

Agree with PP - this won’t change. Why bother with a relationship where you are being told and shown that you’re such a low priority?

Would make me have very serious doubts about my partner and his passivity in the face of what looks like neglect

I'm just trying to get through this weekend now but it has brought what were niggles more to forefront of my mind.
I'm now the evil step mother and shes the victim.

I'm just trying to get through this weekend now but it has brought what were niggles more to forefront of my mind.
I'm now the evil step mother and shes the victim.

That was inevitable as soon as you stopped pandering to her (and him). I wouldn't worry about it - and definitely don't let it spoil your weekend.

It certainly was. Just enjoy the weekend and worry about the rest next week.

It’s telling that your OP ends with ‘I should apologise, shouldn’t I?’ but actually the problem is your partner. Don’t let him try to turn this back around so you imagine you are actually the evil SM. You’re not.

Not necessarily.

Just because someone behaves badly or is not a good person, it doesn't mean that it's their parents fault. We are all individuals.

I hate these sorts of threads with everyone denigrating a woman who's not here to defend herself just because the OP didn't want her around. SDCs - particularly adult ones - are always the baddies on MN.

OP, it's your DH's daughter. Yes you might not like her or her choices - that's your call - but she's still your family member and you should want to support your DH to be the best parent he can be. I don't think you need to apologise; you are entitled to your opinion but you should respect your DH's decisions when it comes to her and show him some loyalty.

I have 3 DCs and my DH is their stepfather. I would never forgive my DH if he slagged them off on the Internet.

Well to update she has blocked me off social media because I'm horrible, evil, knocked her body confidence. Her dad did say the same thing about the outfit but it's me who is to blame.

We have had a nice weekend but feel like what's to come, she's his daughter and will always come first , I'm not by any means saying shouldn't.

I can't imagine her social media was something you particularly wanted to see!

However, I think it probably is time for some hard conversations. If he wants to 'put her first' that's his choice, but this is a woman in her 30s we're talking about, not a child. And it's not his choice to impose her on you and your family whenever he wants to. He seems to have no respect for you or your boundaries.

I can see months of drama about all this if you don't take some fairly decisive action.

Buy she has children herself! I don't get it at all. Why is she so bothered anyway? Does she really want to meet your parents? You are not really a step mother if she's 30s as are you and you've been with her dad 3 years only.

Are you reconsidering this relationship? Sounds like something to run away from fast really.

Op none of this is your fault and its classic DARVO from your SD.

My SD had everything handed to her on a platter from both sets of parents, I too treated her amazingly well, paying for holidays for both Step kids, meals out, shopping trips, I spent a fortune on her 18th birthday. A year later I was the bad guy and the cause of all of her misery with her telling her dad "Dolly has always treated me like shit"

She's picked her lane, May she forever stick in it as far as I'm concerned.

The future of this dynamic isn't impossible to navigate, your DH just now has to separate his time with his daughter from his time with you. And she has to learn that actions have consequences I.e don't be a dick to people and expect them all to pretend it hasn't happened at family events

She sounds unbearable

She also sounds as though she thinks she's eighteen with no responsibilities

Who dumps their children for 24 hours?

Her blocking you is a blessing in disguise and long may it continue

Well after a few attempts to see his daughter face to face finally managed today. She apparently said she was upset and that's why she reacted and blamed me, said she's in the wrong and she will apologise.

Just got message from her saying she was in a bad place mentally, she has body confidence issues and me saying its not appropriate pushed her and if she knew was meeting my parents wouldn't have worn it.

I appreciate the apology but part of me cba and feel she's only doing this to keep in with the bank of dad.

She's just never gonna be my type of person, that's judgy I know. Yet again last week leaving her kids and not returning when she said with her mum.

It sounds as if you've cleared the air a bit, which is useful. And frees you to focus on the bigger issue, which is your DP's enabling of her poor behaviour - quite literally as your expense.