Active discussions

Meet the Other Phone. Flexible and made to last.

Meet the Other Phone.
Flexible and made to last.

Buy now

Please or to access all these features

Talk
Step-parenting

Connect with other Mumsnetters here for step-parenting advice and support.

Original poster

Why did I open my mouth?

75 replies

Daisymoo222 · 05/05/2023 11:36

We're going away with my family this weekend. Partner mentioned the other day wanting his adult daughter to come for the day.

Last week she went out , left her kids with her mum, didn't return for 24hours, her mum missed work as she had to look after children. She's not very responsible but my partner and his ex don't say anything. After that he said I don't want her to come this weekend, honestly I was relieved because she's never ready on time, we spend ages waiting around and for some reason my anxiety goes through the roof whenever we do something with her.

He's just said she's coming now and I said oh great, that's us waiting about . She goes missing on nights out so we've had to go searching for her before too.
Bit annoyed too because he said he'd pay for her drinking/ food/ travel and this money is coming from our household money. I said I'd rather she didn't come now feel guilty because he said he was excited for her to meet my family.

I just get this anxiety that I find hard to explain when we go somewhere with her. I do like her might seem like I don't .

I should apologise to him shouldn't I?

OP posts:
TheodoreMortlock · 05/05/2023 23:08

How old are you OP?

pillsthrillsandbellyache · 05/05/2023 23:09

I would cancel the weekend or go on my own. Put your foot down.

MeridianB · 06/05/2023 07:25

Agree you should go without him.

Original poster
Daisymoo222 · 06/05/2023 07:26

I'm early 40s. He said I'll look like a dick now if I say she can't come, I know I was out of order and should have asked you at the start , I just didn't think it was going to be a big issue.

I explained in detail how my palms get sweaty, chest hurts- physical symptoms of my anxiety around her. About how money wise I'm sick of him throwing money at her when it affects our household and effectively teaches her - you can be an arsehole with your behaviour but dad will still pander to you. He said he thinks there's more to it than this, well yes there is I think she's a shit parent etc but I didn't want to get into that.

Yes it does make me look at him and think I'm losing respect for you . He's so scared of upsetting her, rocking the boat.
I've said I'm leaving at 9 and I don't want her to come. He's still asleep.

OP posts:
SquidwardBound · 06/05/2023 08:02

go without him. Honestly. You’ll have a better time.

He said I'll look like a dick now if I say she can't come, I know I was out of order and should have asked you at the start , I just didn't think it was going to be a big issue.

Translation: I didn’t really care about you. I just wanted to play bountiful super dad to my daughter and thought you’d just give in and do what suits me. But now you have to do it because otherwise I might have to have a conversation with my daughter about how her behaviour affects others and why it’s not acceptable. I’m too lazy for that part of the parental role; I’d rather just pander to her and throw money at her.

None of this is a reason to just go along with any of it.

tribpot · 06/05/2023 08:07

Yep I would stay away from the issue of her being a shit parent because it doesn't impact on you directly (at least not until she starts dumping her kids on you whilst she goes out on a bender). However, his 'I think there's more to this' just belittles the very real objections you did set out to him. I think he wants to bait you into criticising her parenting precisely so he can tell you it's nothing to do with you and you're out of order.

Please do just go at 9 without the pair of them.

SquidwardBound · 06/05/2023 08:08

when someone knows that you don’t want something to happen and decides to manipulate things so that it happens anyway, it’s a sign they aren’t a very nice person.

He thought ‘but she’s my daughter’ was going to be impenetrable armour ensuring everyone will just give him what he wants - and even view him more positively for ‘putting his child first’.

But… she’s an adult and her behaviour doesn’t make him look like he’s ever been an effective parent.

She sounds very troubled and chaotic, frankly. Growing up with no-boundaries, guilt-based parenting won’t have helped with that.

Throwncrumbs · 06/05/2023 08:18

So she’s got money for drugs but can’t pay her way and you are basically funding her time away, sod that, tell him she’s not coming and neither is he, go and enjoy it without the feckers!

AnneLovesGilbert · 06/05/2023 08:21

Go by yourself. Focus on how nice it’ll be seeing your family, put the crap behind you and have a great time.

Laurdo · 06/05/2023 08:21

tribpot · 06/05/2023 08:07

Yep I would stay away from the issue of her being a shit parent because it doesn't impact on you directly (at least not until she starts dumping her kids on you whilst she goes out on a bender). However, his 'I think there's more to this' just belittles the very real objections you did set out to him. I think he wants to bait you into criticising her parenting precisely so he can tell you it's nothing to do with you and you're out of order.

Please do just go at 9 without the pair of them.

Or he's trying to imply she's in some way jealous of his relationship with his DD and is building up to the good old "well you knew I had a DD when you met me". 🙄

billy1966 · 06/05/2023 08:30

He has zero respect for you.

You have zero respect for yourself.

How could you even consider bringing a coke head to your parents house?

Dreadful.

He's a loser with a loser daughter and your feelings don't matter.

Head off to your parents and make plans to dump him and leave.

Hoppinggreen · 06/05/2023 08:30

Just tell him he’s not coming either

Original poster
Daisymoo222 · 06/05/2023 10:29

So fun morning. She turned up at ours in a see through dress. Could see her bra and knickers, it was fishnet dress. I was mortified!
I said no fucking way. In what planet is that appropriate to meet family and after I'd said no to her coming. She said its beachwear and she doesn't like being told what to wear.
He agreed with me . He did offer to take her home to change but at that point I was seething and she said no there's an atmosphere I won't come.
There are no words.

OP posts:
AnneLovesGilbert · 06/05/2023 10:31

So is he going with you?

WotATwot · 06/05/2023 11:14

She's 30??? This sounds like you're talking about an 18 year old.

Daleksatemyshed · 06/05/2023 11:18

Well that worked out better than expected Op, you didn't have to take her and your DP finally admitted she'd done something wrong. Be prepared for him to backpeddle later but enjoy your family trip for now.
This is not an issue that will go away so maybe it's time to have an honest talk setting out what you won't tolerate in the future

AluckyEllie · 06/05/2023 11:22

Dump the bloke, he sounds ridiculous. He’s always gonna put her first, spend your money on her. Leave and have a nice stress free life.

Original poster
Daisymoo222 · 06/05/2023 11:24

Yeah it has worked out better. She's apparently furious with me for telling her what to wear. I'm not bothered though.
Yeah agree he will probably back peddle and grovel to her but this is prime time to have talk about future things .
Thank you all for your advice really appreciate it.

OP posts:
Boomboom22 · 06/05/2023 11:27

I don't understand why your bf of 3yrs who must be quite a bit older thM you wants your family to meet his daughter who will make him look awful! Why?

Laurdo · 06/05/2023 11:30

Well basically she turned up and proved your point. I hope you have a great trip.

tribpot · 06/05/2023 11:40

I hope you didn't wait for her?

WotATwot · 06/05/2023 11:44

I don't even know why it's a big deal for her to meet your family anyway. She's 30 not 3. I'm a similar age and I think I've met my stepdads mum about twice in my life and I met him when I was still a kid!

lupinlass · 06/05/2023 11:49

Sounds like a win op! Enjoy your weekend Smile

MzHz · 06/05/2023 12:14

What do you actually get out of this relationship @Daisymoo222 ? She sounds like utter trash and he’s allowing that shit into your lives

youve been with him for 3 years and he’s still not manned up enough to call her out on her frankly piss poor parenting and neglect of his grandchildren

FishChipsMushyPeas · 06/05/2023 12:21

So the dress proves that at 30 years old she is just a complete attention seeker and in complaining that you are telling her what to wear she's trying to still make it all about her and get her dad to fawn around her.

She sounds like a teenager trapped in a woman's body.

Swipe left for the next trending thread