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Step-parenting

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Original poster

Resent SC staying

104 replies

Room1 · 02/05/2023 07:28

Because their room is a fucking pigsty and I hate it, but I also don't want to be the one to deal with it and it just makes me despise them coming.

They are 14&12 and their room stinks, is constantly dark because they never open the blinds, plates left in there, rubbish from whatever junk they've eaten, beds unmade ect. I can't stand it.

I've long stopped trying to tidy it myself, I don't even change the bed sheets anymore because honestly why should I.

I've tried just keeping the rest of the house clean and tidy and leaving them to their hovel but it just winds me up that there is a room in my house getting ruined/dirty and even now a bit mouldy around the ceiling because the window is never opened.

That's the only reason I go in now, to open the window.

And to top it off the 14 year old seems to be wanting to come more than usual at the moment (50:50 already) so it feels never ending.

You can smell the room as soon as the door is opened its fucking gross.

DH is next to useless at getting them to tidy. He might tell them to bring plates and glasses down but that's about it. He's never expected them to actually clean/hoover/do a proper job of it. I used to in between their visits but I've stopped now because it's just taken for granted.

OP posts:
lookluv · 02/05/2023 07:32

You have a DP problem, teenagers are feral, he needs to clean it himself.

One point though - they are not staying with 50:50 -this is their home. He needs to stop treating them as guests and like regular family members

Original poster
Room1 · 02/05/2023 07:33

lookluv · 02/05/2023 07:32

You have a DP problem, teenagers are feral, he needs to clean it himself.

One point though - they are not staying with 50:50 -this is their home. He needs to stop treating them as guests and like regular family members

I wish he would. They are treated like royalty and never made to lift a finger to do anything at all. I honestly hand on heart don't think they've ever done a chore.

OP posts:
Doidontimmm · 02/05/2023 07:36

This is the woe of all teenage parents the world over I’m afraid! My 22 year old is fine now but 19 year old daughter still needs a boot up her bum. As they are decent humans in every other way including cooking & cleaning the kitchen I just bite my tongue!

Original poster
Room1 · 02/05/2023 07:38

The thought of one of them moving in full time so this is a constant thing makes me feel sick.

I appreciate DH should be doing more but it doesn't make them any more endearing to have to live with. They are bone idle and so dirty/messy, I can't stand it. They'd literally walk away from a pile of rubbish in the living room and leave the room if I let them.

OP posts:
Beamur · 02/05/2023 07:40

Open the windows.
Close the door.
The rest is up to their Dad. He can go and collect their plates etc.
They are old enough to clean their own rooms.
Put an air freshener in there!

Original poster
Room1 · 02/05/2023 07:42

Beamur · 02/05/2023 07:40

Open the windows.
Close the door.
The rest is up to their Dad. He can go and collect their plates etc.
They are old enough to clean their own rooms.
Put an air freshener in there!

This is what I do but it still makes me stew knowing it's gross behind the door (and the smell when one of them comes out 🤮)

OP posts:
SallyWD · 02/05/2023 07:43

It's perfectly normal at that age. My DD (12) went from being incredibly tidy, clean and organised to living in complete mess and chaos! The curtains are aways drawn, there's rotting food in her room. Loads of plates and glasses. There's stuff all over the floor and surfaces. She throws all her clothes and rubbish on the floor. It's awful! But I remember being the same.
Try not to let it affect your view of them as people. I think you need yo be a little more forgiving and accept that most teenagers are the same. They grow out of it eventually!

TakingTheCake · 02/05/2023 07:44

Can't their dad pick a day which is room tidy day, every week, where nothing fun happens until a list of chores are complete in their room? E.g. clothes away, clothes in washing bin, rubbish in bin, floor clear, hoover, bed made?

Clementineorsatsuma · 02/05/2023 07:45

"I feel really happy for DH because his teenage children still want to come regularly. Like ALL teenagers, their room stinks, and every so often I have to shout "pot Amnesty!" So they know they can bring down everything without an earful lol! It does grate that there's a room in the house that resembles Fungus the Bogeyman's swamp, but I figure it's a small price to pay to support his relationship with his kids!"

Source- personal experience. They'll grow out of it.

TheCrystalPalace · 02/05/2023 07:45

So send your husband in there to clean it. You should have more leverage over him than them, by the sounds of it.
If he can't (or won't) get them to clean (and I mean an initial blitz followed by regular updates), then he will have to take it on himself.
Why should you do it? They're not your kids and I presume if they were you would have trained them better. E is partially responsible for their mucky ways so he deals with it.

Original poster
Room1 · 02/05/2023 07:49

If I'd have left mouldy food and plates in my room all the time as a teenager my mum would have dragged me to the sink with them and made me scrub them myself. I don't think they have ever washed a dish. Parents fault of course but still, like I say, doesn't make them great to live with for me.

I guess it's the old case of when they are yours you have the love to fall back on. I don't, so I just find it irritating and not much else.

OP posts:
Original poster
Room1 · 02/05/2023 07:50

TakingTheCake · 02/05/2023 07:44

Can't their dad pick a day which is room tidy day, every week, where nothing fun happens until a list of chores are complete in their room? E.g. clothes away, clothes in washing bin, rubbish in bin, floor clear, hoover, bed made?

I wish he would. He might do it once but it never lasts. Then he doesn't want to be the bad guy who's house they hate staying at because they are actually made to do something. Im pretty sure their mum still dotes on them (Inc keeping their room clean) at her house.

OP posts:
Beamur · 02/05/2023 07:53

I feel your pain.
I have 2 (now older) DSC and DSD was like this. Room was horrible. But I had a few simple rules that made it bearable.
I would go in and open curtains and windows. No food or drinks allowed in bedrooms. Laundry has to be put in a basket (in the bedroom) and I would wash it. If it was on the floor it didn't get washed. Once they were 15 they did their own ironing.
Fortnightly I would leave clean sheets out for them to change their beds. If they didn't change them, they slept in yukky beds. I'd leave it another week then strip the dirty ones but not remake the bed.
If I asked them to clean their rooms they complied. We didn't expect them to do many chores but when asked we expected them to do it. They were lazy but co operative when asked.
You & DH have to be on the same page.

gogohmm · 02/05/2023 07:56

Perfectly normal, nothing to do with them being step children. Talk to your dh and set boundaries for them that are realistic eg plates and cups must be brought down promptly otherwise only water will be allowed upstairs (I had a no food upstairs rule for this reason), sheets must be stripped on a certain day (or give 24 hours notice and placed in a basket on the landing/In bathroom, similarly clothes in the basket. Vacuum (their responsibility) once per week. But don't get worked up about curtains being left shut or beds otherwise not being made, choose your battles.

Original poster
Room1 · 02/05/2023 07:59

It just makes me go full stubborn mode tbh. Like I'll open the window but that's it. I'm not reminding them to change their bed sheets. Clean ones get chucked in there and if they don't do it honestly I don't care, I guess they can sleep in dirty beds. If anyone should be going in and stripping beds and telling them to do this or that it should be DH but he rarely does so I'm loathe to start being responsible for it myself. I don't even wash their clothes anymore, they just take them home to their mum's with them when they go because they never bring them down so I'm not searching the bedroom floor for dirty clothes. I've stopped reminding them about it because frankly I can't be arsed, I have enough shit to do.

OP posts:
Original poster
Room1 · 02/05/2023 08:01

I get annoyed about the curtains being shut all the time because it's starting to go mouldy around the ceiling / windows and I'm sure it's because the room is never firstly allowed to breathe with the window open and secondly there is never any light / warmth let in from the sun!

And thirdly and less importantly how can you just sit there in filth and the dark as well 🤮

OP posts:
Serena73 · 02/05/2023 08:04

This is completely normal behaviour! Extremely annoying but this is how they are, I'm afraid. They don't think of these things, but you can insist they take the plates down and remind them if they don't. You can surely open the window when they're not there? And one of you should definitely change the beds, or help them do it.

Serena73 · 02/05/2023 08:06

And thirdly and less importantly how can you just sit there in filth and the dark as well 🤮

They want it dark so they can see their screens - it's the only reason!

snitzelvoncrumb · 02/05/2023 08:12

Tell your DH if it isn’t sorted by a particular date you will get rid of everything in the room. Beds included.

Original poster
Room1 · 02/05/2023 08:12

And one of you should definitely change the beds, or help them do it

Why should I do it? I have enough to do between work and keeping the rest of the house tidy. They've been shown how to do it themselves before, they just can't be arsed to. If their dad is bothered he should do it.

OP posts:
Cooknook · 02/05/2023 08:16

The issue is that your DH is doing nothing to address it or to get them to clean up. I can see how it's irritating but really as they're his children you can't ban them coming over so the only option is to try and find another solution; which your DH should be doing. I'm not sure how you can get someone who isn't bothered though to do anything.

StopMindlesslyScrolling · 02/05/2023 08:17

Get your DH to clean it after every visit.

If he can't be a proper parent and get them to do it, then he needs to do it, EVERY time.

"DH, you need to go and give X&Y's room a clean, strip the beds, wash the mould off the ceiling, do their laundry, sort out all their clothes and wash up the plates etc they've got in there."

"I'll do it later."

"Your DC's room has mould on it; you are damaging their health leaving it like that. To deep clean that room is a multiple hour job, you'd better get into it now or you'll be up until midnight."

Basically, don't let him get away without doing it.

The first time will be gross for him and he won't want to do it again, but if he cleans it every week it won't be as bad, or he'll get bored of cleaning it and get his kids to do it.

He knows it's his responsibility, he knows he's being a shit parent and partner by not doing it, so get him to do it, even if it means him missing his favourite programme/football match/whatever.

You shouldn't have to get him to do it, but he sounds like he never will if you don't give him a push.

Also, get him to pick up every mug and plate etc they leave lying around. "DH, you need to clean the living room up, or get your DC to." Again, every time they leave it in a state, he feels the repercussions of that.

Oopsididitagain18 · 02/05/2023 08:18

Yep DH problem - he sorts his kids room here. He also sorts their breakfast / lunch as my kids get their own. Evening meal is whoever is cooking. Washing one wash but i prioritise baby, my kids school uniform / sports kit due to necessity

bluepen12 · 02/05/2023 08:22

What's the housing situation? Is it rented, jointly owned?

Hell would break loose if I allowed my home to get mouldy just to please DSC.

It can not be just dad's rules if you live together.

Original poster
Room1 · 02/05/2023 08:22

Jointly owned

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