Resent SC staying

[Room1]

Because their room is a fucking pigsty and I hate it, but I also don't want to be the one to deal with it and it just makes me despise them coming.

They are 14&12 and their room stinks, is constantly dark because they never open the blinds, plates left in there, rubbish from whatever junk they've eaten, beds unmade ect. I can't stand it.

I've long stopped trying to tidy it myself, I don't even change the bed sheets anymore because honestly why should I.

I've tried just keeping the rest of the house clean and tidy and leaving them to their hovel but it just winds me up that there is a room in my house getting ruined/dirty and even now a bit mouldy around the ceiling because the window is never opened.

That's the only reason I go in now, to open the window.

And to top it off the 14 year old seems to be wanting to come more than usual at the moment (50:50 already) so it feels never ending.

You can smell the room as soon as the door is opened its fucking gross.

DH is next to useless at getting them to tidy. He might tell them to bring plates and glasses down but that's about it. He's never expected them to actually clean/hoover/do a proper job of it. I used to in between their visits but I've stopped now because it's just taken for granted.

You have a DP problem (and he’s not doing his children any favours either).

Give him an ultimatum to sort his act out and parent his children, or at the very least to keep on top of their room himself. You can’t be expected to live like this but blaming teenagers is pointless. Kids learn what’s acceptable from their parents, DH is teaching them that it’s fine to live in a pigsty.

Not necessarily blaming them, just hate living with them because of it.

My son was the same.
The smell of his opened bedroom door was horrible.
He was away for a week and we went to his room to give it a 'tidy'.
There was a pile of rubbish at the end of his bed that had gone mouldy.
I never went in there again!

A couple of years later...
He's now with a lovely girlfriend, has a nice apartment and is so fussy over cleanliness, it's almost an obsession!
I have to say that he was late 20's when he moved out, so NOT a teenager.
😊

Wasn't there a parent who bought some black rice and put small piles of it in the room of children including the bed so it looked like there were mouse droppings? Google mouse droppings in an incognito tab so no one sees your devious plotting. You could do this very discretely (without your Dh's knowledge) and wait for the children to find them or you see them whilst the children are here. Sprinkle a small pile by the door perhaps. Might help them all, children and husband alike clean the room out if they thought there were mice in there.

And no it isn't normal to have mouldy plates and a festering room, stop making it out that it is. If the first time they leave the room messy you insist it gets tidied it starts a routine. Like teeth brushing or showering. I have teen boys and their rooms are very clean and tidy because I never allowed them to have messy rooms when they were little.

And no it isn't normal to have mouldy plates and a festering room, stop making it out that it is.

I've always thought this, surely it's only normal if you allow it to become normal? I wasn't the tidiest teen by any means but I'd never have been allowed to let my room get in the same state when I was growing up. I remember it was a thing in our house that I had to tidy my room every Friday after school when I was a kid on top of having to do the odd chore like washing up, dusting the living room, hoovering etc.. did I like doing it? No. But I never had piles of rubbish and mouldy plates in my room so there's that.

I mean.. they are teens.

But you have to draw up some simple rules and agree with DH - it's your home, he cannot refuse to do this, just talk with him about what the rules are. You will have to be the enforcer.

Plates and glasses brought down and put in the washing machine
Windows open every morning
Beds stripped and put in the laundry on X day - they get given clean sheets to remake
Clothes put in the laundry on X day
All rubbish in binbags and everything off the floor for once a week clean on X day (eventually they need to clean, but start with this).

Can you get a cleaning company in for a couple hours to get it up to scratch for the new regime?

Start with that, then gradually add chores around the house.

There are different types of mess. If it gets mouldy I think it is extreme and I wouldn't allow it. I could be the bad guy but I would get them to tidy it, with DPs help or without. After all its your home too.

My mum would have lost her shit if she'd found mouldy food and plates in my room or if I'd let my room get mouldy because the curtains were never opened.

I really don't get this, don't you feel revolted by your husband? These are his children and the sound of their rooms makes my sling crawl.

I don't think I could bare to have him anywhere near me given that this is the standard for his children.

My teenagers aren't like this, their rooms are clean and tidy, because they get sent back to sort it if they aren't. They wouldn't get their allowance if their room is a tip. They tidy naturally now and every morning before school make their plied, open the shutters and one window.

They are teenage boys and if I hadn't put rules in place I'm sure they would have been the same.

It would be your husband I'd be utterly disgusted with in this case. I know some teens are scruffy regardless, but he isn't even trying to parent them.

@WrongBabyHat

The fake mice droppings are a stroke of genius. Add those to the new regime kick off OP

They wouldn't get their allowance if their room is a tip

Honestly this is another thing. I've said before he shouldn't give them their allowance unless they keep their room tidy but he doesn't agree and gives it them anyway so really what is the incentive? Why would they keep their room tidy? They get what they want regardless.

I absolutely appreciate it's a DH problem but honestly I just prefer it so much when they aren't here and the thought of them living here permanently fills me with dread.

I think with DH he has a lot of guilt surrounding them and he worries about pushing too hard and them not wanting to come, their mum from what I can tell is pretty much the same at her house and does absolutely everything for them (she won't even let them walk to school and yes it's within walking distance). They are babied like crazy by her and I think H then feels like he has to compete with this or they won't come and it turns into this shit dynamic where no one wants to actually parent them in case they stay with the other instead.

Hence the whole red carpet being rolled out whenever they arrive and them getting whatever they want and never having to lift a finger.

DH is weak when it comes to them basically because he's scared they won't come if he's stricter.

Solidarity OP.

Sprinkle some black rice in the corner of the room - looks like mouse droppings apparently. Would that freak them / your partner out enough to get them to tidy it?

Sounds disgusting, I’m surprised your DH would want his kids to stay in such squalor?

Why isn’t he cleaning their room when he does his share of the general house cleaning?

How much housework does he do? Are they following his example?

I’m not sure if this is normal but I reckon an engaged parent would stop it from happening.

Well the one thing coming to my mind us poor kids. They are let down by both parents it seems.

Starting Uni and living in their own is going to be a shock…

Could try and bring that side of things to your DH? Would it help making him realise how shit a parent he is by behaving like that?

@Room1 black rice, honestly, make them think there is a mouse infestation. You could even pretend to hear some rustling in the corner. How good are your acting skills?

You have a dh problem. Most teenagers are like this. I remember a friend of mine saying her ds absolutely stank.
Id go in and open the window-wide, then take dh in the room and say what are you going to do about this?
Buy one of those air fresheners which go off automatically ( or maybe 2).
It’s up to your dh to help them clean up. Their behaviour is perfectly normal and they are not going to change anytime soon. Your dh however can clean up or get them to clean up. He isn’t doing them any favours. I also think it’s out of order him sending dirty washing to their mums for her to wash.

I also think it’s out of order him sending dirty washing to their mums for her to wash

Oh it is. But I do 90% of the washing and I refuse to go round collecting theirs off the floor so 🤷‍♀️

Very poor parenting from your husband and his ex. They’re doing these children no favours. The best solution would be a combined effort from them, to toughen up and thereby improve behaviour in both houses. They need to co-parent like adults.

It is perfectly normal for teens not to want to clean their room, I agree in some way with PPs, but it is not perfectly normal for them to be allowed at 12 and 14 to decide they won't.

It is your house, put your ruddy foot down. Especially with your husband. He sure wouldnt be getting any intimacy from me if he is showing that level of weakness and disrespect for our home allowing this.

No treats, taking them out, sex with your husband as he is the problem, whatever it takes, until it is sorted.

I thought this quote from you was pretty sad tbh. I appreciate they're not your DC but SDC, but there are plenty of great step-parents who have lots of love for their step-children - especially when they're with them 50/50. You really don't have any love for them at all?

Absolutely you shouldn't be scouting around for their clothing, or picking up after them. Your DH needs to step up and get their butts moving. I doubt very much that not having the curtains opened has caused the mould, especially as you say you've been going in there to open the window. Unless the room is very cold and has no heating switched on?

Teens are a bit of a pain in the arse - I have two myself - it's a transitional period between child and adult, and they can be fairly self-absorbed while going through this phase. One moment very childlike, the next oddly mature. They do need to pick up after themselves, even if it means DH has to remind them.

But I do find it very sad that you seem to have absolutely no love or care for them at all - as per several of your posts. I find it hard to believe that's solely because they're messy. You don't stop loving a child just because they're messy/dirty - even a child that isn't your own.

The mouse droppings are a genius idea though. Might just shock them into picking things up - if only for a while.

Firstly, ban the children from eating in their bedrooms. No plates or food.
I always ensure my children and step children make their beds in the morning and open the blinds/curtains. It's your home so don't feel afraid to ask them to make their beds and open their curtains.

You've yet to answer why your DH doesn't clean their room?

Because if he was pulling his weight this really wouldn't be a problem.

If he wants to treat his kids like royalty, so be it, but he gets to be the servant who cleans up after them.

I have 3 step kids. The eldest is now a young adult, so has started maturing and will at least do the basics when he stays like hanging up his towel and putting any dishes in the dishwasher. The middle kid is 16 and absolutely feral and lazy. There’s a glass that’s been in his room for 8 weeks. I’m not tidying it up anymore. I see it as ‘not my problem’

The youngest is 15 and a total princess so she can’t possibly lift a finger to tidy up after herself.

Like your situation, it’s a DP problem - I’ve learnt to disengage from the messiness. I used to stress and let it impact how I felt about them staying over, but now I know I can just shut the door on the chaos, because I’m not going to make it my problem to tidy up anymore. I’ve told my DP if he wants to wait hand and foot on teenagers who are old enough to the basics, that’s on him, but I’m not going to be doing that.

Yep, that does mean that rooms aren’t cleaned for weeks, nor are sheets washed and changed. Occasionally I’ll relent, when DP has had one of his sweaty mates staying over in SD 15’s room and he cba to change the sheets. I refuse to let my SD sleep in that, so I will sort it. But generally, it’s his problem.

If you can’t disengage, you’ll go crazy and stress yourself out with it. I know the thought of what is lurking behind that door is aggravating, but nothing will change in the short term. Trust me, if you leave it, it will get to a state where either your step kids or DP can’t take it anymore and will start cleaning. Just gotta wait it out.

My mum got sick of asking my brother to clean his room when we were teenagers. He was letting new life forms grow on the dishes in his bedroom. She got so mad, she put them all under his duvet, so when he got into bed, they were all sat there waiting for him. He never left any dishes in his room after that haha