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Step-parenting

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Original poster

Resent SC staying

104 replies

Room1 · 02/05/2023 07:28

Because their room is a fucking pigsty and I hate it, but I also don't want to be the one to deal with it and it just makes me despise them coming.

They are 14&12 and their room stinks, is constantly dark because they never open the blinds, plates left in there, rubbish from whatever junk they've eaten, beds unmade ect. I can't stand it.

I've long stopped trying to tidy it myself, I don't even change the bed sheets anymore because honestly why should I.

I've tried just keeping the rest of the house clean and tidy and leaving them to their hovel but it just winds me up that there is a room in my house getting ruined/dirty and even now a bit mouldy around the ceiling because the window is never opened.

That's the only reason I go in now, to open the window.

And to top it off the 14 year old seems to be wanting to come more than usual at the moment (50:50 already) so it feels never ending.

You can smell the room as soon as the door is opened its fucking gross.

DH is next to useless at getting them to tidy. He might tell them to bring plates and glasses down but that's about it. He's never expected them to actually clean/hoover/do a proper job of it. I used to in between their visits but I've stopped now because it's just taken for granted.

OP posts:
Atticus999 · 02/05/2023 11:55

You don’t love them.

You can’t get rid of them and nor should you try - their dad’s house is their home.

Your husband isn’t doing anything to help and probably won’t.

Just separate, take your half and buy yourself a lovely little house / flat to keep clean and tidy.

Cooknook · 02/05/2023 12:05

I actually think it's okay for a step parent to not love the step children as long as they treat them well- you can't force love. There doesn't seem to be anything to suggest that OP doesn't treat them well, it's not unreasonable to get annoyed by the gross mess and laziness.

HurdyGurdy19 · 02/05/2023 12:14

I saw a photo on social media, where the mother was sick of her kids leaving their room like a pigsty, so she scattered grains of wild rice around, and showed them, saying they'd attracted vermin/rats into their room.

Might be worth a try?

HousingAdviceNeeded · 02/05/2023 12:15

I would have lost such respect for my husband that I wouldn't want to live with him. Their rooms are disgusting and he thinks they won't stay if he raises an objection? It's the epitome of being a disney dad.

MoreThanFriends · 02/05/2023 12:16

HurdyGurdy19 · 02/05/2023 12:14

I saw a photo on social media, where the mother was sick of her kids leaving their room like a pigsty, so she scattered grains of wild rice around, and showed them, saying they'd attracted vermin/rats into their room.

Might be worth a try?

This is pathetic.

Their dad just needs to parent them.

HurdyGurdy19 · 02/05/2023 12:18

Sorry - posted before reading that WrongBabyHat said the same.

Floofydawg · 02/05/2023 13:07

I'm sorry to say, my teen SS's room stinks even though he isn't allowed food in there and he's made to keep it clean. As soon as he opens the door it seeps into the rest of the house 🤮

MeridianB · 02/05/2023 13:20

Floofydawg · 02/05/2023 13:07

I'm sorry to say, my teen SS's room stinks even though he isn't allowed food in there and he's made to keep it clean. As soon as he opens the door it seeps into the rest of the house 🤮

I guess we may never know the answer to this question but here goes..

I know most/all teens smell at some stage but do you think that we are more sensitive to the smell of unrelated people? That our brains unconsciously ping them as 'strangers' and so nasty smells around/from them are much more noticeable?

BananaBlue · 02/05/2023 13:30

MeridianB · 02/05/2023 13:20

I guess we may never know the answer to this question but here goes..

I know most/all teens smell at some stage but do you think that we are more sensitive to the smell of unrelated people? That our brains unconsciously ping them as 'strangers' and so nasty smells around/from them are much more noticeable?

Show quote history

If that was the case wouldn’t it be common to dislike your partners smell?

MeridianB · 02/05/2023 13:46

That's true. Maybe sharing a bed with them changes that over time.

Olive19741205 · 02/05/2023 14:46

SallyWD · 02/05/2023 07:43

It's perfectly normal at that age. My DD (12) went from being incredibly tidy, clean and organised to living in complete mess and chaos! The curtains are aways drawn, there's rotting food in her room. Loads of plates and glasses. There's stuff all over the floor and surfaces. She throws all her clothes and rubbish on the floor. It's awful! But I remember being the same.
Try not to let it affect your view of them as people. I think you need yo be a little more forgiving and accept that most teenagers are the same. They grow out of it eventually!

So did my DD12 but I insist it gets cleaned regularly. If she can't be bothered cleaning it, she doesn't get her gadgets. Works a treat.

Olive19741205 · 02/05/2023 15:04

Holly60 · 02/05/2023 11:21

That's just teenagers. Did you not consider this when you got together with your DP? Surely you realised they wouldn't remain little children forever?

When you have kids you commit to a lifetime of being pissed off with them Grin. It's a bit late to be reconsidering taking on step children. Well I suppose it's not - you could leave your partner ...

Show quote history

I have DSC. They're not my children and never will be. Luckily DH and their mother teach them all the things they need to know. Why on earth do you think it's the OPs responsibility? My DSC have been in my life for over 10 years now and we get on fantastic but I don't have a parental role with them, why would I?

hourbyhour101 · 02/05/2023 15:33

You know op I would be tempted to say to DH (in ear shot of DSC) your sure you heard scratching in the room and saw what you thought was a long tail as something scampered and hid under the bed.

Then look puzzled and say so I shut the door and ignored it ....

ThenAgain · 02/05/2023 15:48

MeridianB · 02/05/2023 13:20

I guess we may never know the answer to this question but here goes..

I know most/all teens smell at some stage but do you think that we are more sensitive to the smell of unrelated people? That our brains unconsciously ping them as 'strangers' and so nasty smells around/from them are much more noticeable?

Show quote history

Think it’s hormones with some teenage boys. It’s like a bottom of a hamster cage smell. It’s there even with showering etc.

MeridianB · 02/05/2023 15:59

It’s like a bottom of a hamster cage smell. 🤢

mysonsmother82 · 02/05/2023 16:21

There not going to listen to you, it needs to come from there dad. Apart from the bedroom situation do you have a good relationship with them, do they like you?
If you're giving of a vibe that you can't be arsed with them then they probably have no interest in keeping you happy.
And also by there dad ignoring there behaviour he's teaching them that he has no respect for you so why should they, this would piss me off no end.
In the short term I'd put a complete ban on food in the bedroom, there's no need for it and it's gross to have mouldy food rotting away.

CornishGem1975 · 02/05/2023 16:27

Teenagers can be feral pigs, mine are, and I was. My DH gets annoyed (they're his stepchildren) but his kids haven't got to this age yet so he just doesn't realise. I pick my battles. It's their mess, they can live in it. I don't have to spend anytime in their rooms and eventually they pick stuff up when they get fed up of it themselves. Sounds like perfectly normal teenage behaviour to me.

nofusspot · 02/05/2023 16:28

That is gross. Has your DH always had low standards? Can he not smell? Can they not smell? Do they want girlfriends/boyfriends/or just friends over at all?

nofusspot · 02/05/2023 16:28

nofusspot · 02/05/2023 16:28

That is gross. Has your DH always had low standards? Can he not smell? Can they not smell? Do they want girlfriends/boyfriends/or just friends over at all?

Actually on that note my DSC soon tidied up pronto when we said they could have a sleepover

CornishGem1975 · 02/05/2023 16:34

Actually on that note my DSC soon tidied up pronto when we said they could have a sleepover

Nothing makes my DD clean up quicker than her boyfriend coming round

Therealjudgejudy · 02/05/2023 16:40

Your partner is a shit parent.

Totally disrespectful to you aswell

pfftt · 02/05/2023 17:10

CornishGem1975 · 02/05/2023 16:27

Teenagers can be feral pigs, mine are, and I was. My DH gets annoyed (they're his stepchildren) but his kids haven't got to this age yet so he just doesn't realise. I pick my battles. It's their mess, they can live in it. I don't have to spend anytime in their rooms and eventually they pick stuff up when they get fed up of it themselves. Sounds like perfectly normal teenage behaviour to me.

It's not normal when there is mould growing and it's not fair on a partner who can't stand it in their house. It's a shared house. Both own it. Your DH dc may not have reached that age they may also not be as feral when they do reach that age or he may parent in a way that prevents it getting that bad.
Hopefully in your home, your DO doesn't mind but the OP does and her wants are being dismissed and neglected.

thestepmumspacepodcast · 02/05/2023 17:52

I don't have teenagers but surely rotting food and mouldy stuff can only exist if the teens haven't been told the clean/bring food down.

My eldest is 13 so I accept I am at the beginning but he doesn't eat in his room (apart from snacks on sleepovers which have to be tidied away in the morning).

I bet my bottom dollar this is a case of Dad not wanting to instill any demands/boundaries on the children because he isn't with them all the time.

I see it over and over with the women I work with, Stepchildren held to different (lower) standards than other children.

OP, I understand why you're mad. I'd hate it if one of the rooms in my home were like this.

Can you and DP get on the same page and TEACH THEM how to clean up after themselves?

Floofydawg · 02/05/2023 18:41

@MeridianB it's a good point and I'd never thought of that.

SleepingStandingUp · 02/05/2023 18:47

Your partner sounds lazy and a shot, neglectful Dad. I couldn't be with someone who so clearly has so little regard for their own kids.