Resent SC staying

[Room1]

Because their room is a fucking pigsty and I hate it, but I also don't want to be the one to deal with it and it just makes me despise them coming.

They are 14&12 and their room stinks, is constantly dark because they never open the blinds, plates left in there, rubbish from whatever junk they've eaten, beds unmade ect. I can't stand it.

I've long stopped trying to tidy it myself, I don't even change the bed sheets anymore because honestly why should I.

I've tried just keeping the rest of the house clean and tidy and leaving them to their hovel but it just winds me up that there is a room in my house getting ruined/dirty and even now a bit mouldy around the ceiling because the window is never opened.

That's the only reason I go in now, to open the window.

And to top it off the 14 year old seems to be wanting to come more than usual at the moment (50:50 already) so it feels never ending.

You can smell the room as soon as the door is opened its fucking gross.

DH is next to useless at getting them to tidy. He might tell them to bring plates and glasses down but that's about it. He's never expected them to actually clean/hoover/do a proper job of it. I used to in between their visits but I've stopped now because it's just taken for granted.

Stop allowing them to take food upstairs. That'll solve the issue of dirty dishes and rotting food.
Change the WiFi password and don't tell them the password until they've cleaned their room.

You really don't have any love for them at all?

No I can't say I do really. I like them (when they aren't being slobs festering in their room! 😂) But I don't love them no. And I think that makes it harder to ignore because honestly them coming just feels like more work and a messier house with rarely any upsides.

And especially as they are getting older. They just come, throw their stuff down and then go to their room. We rarely even see them, it's all about friends at the minute understandably. But yeah, not sure what's to love about it, feels like they may as well not be here sometimes.

Is your DH seriously ok with the state of their rooms?

I really don’t understand why he hasn’t helped them clean, put sanctions in place OR cleaned it himself?

At their ages they should be doing it, if DP has no backbone he’ll have to do it, just tell him that’s the options available.

Stop them taking food to their rooms.

I’m sorry I don’t understand why you can’t tell them to bring their stuff down and sort their rooms. I don’t think it’s realistic to totally disengage. By all means tell their dad he should do it but it’s your house. You can say to them “bring your plates down, open your curtains and let some air into the room” you don’t need to tidy it yourself but it’s kind of weird you don’t ask them. I have no hesitation in telling anyone including DP’s daughter to abide by the rules of my house. I have a no food upstairs rule, I strongly advise implementing one in your own home

Sell up and get yourself a lovely little one bed house or flat 😁 your DH could get something for him and the kids and you can live in a lovely peaceful, clean home. He could stay with you when he doesn't have them. How can you respect him when he parents so ineffectively? My kids are expected to keep their rooms clean and tidy plus other chores. It's not a big deal at all. I would sit him down and TELL HIM he needs to keep on top of their room if he wont ask them to do it. It's your home too!

Am sure have seen on similar threads recommendation that you from now on have your own cup, plate, glass, cutlery etc keep them elsewhere and only wash these, therefore if the rest of the grubby lot want something to eat from they'll have to wash the ones they've left upstairs eventually!

Of course it isn't normal. My 2 were never filthy like this.

Stop feeding them, stop doing anything until DH sorts the spoilt brats out.

It is far from normal.

Why don't you insist that your husband cleans up after them?

Are there other children in the house?

It's a sad reflection that your DH thinks his children won't love him if he imposes house rules that are pretty minimal.
Children don't love their parents for these reasons!
As a parent you do your children no favours by coddling them.
This is a joint home - you should have a say.

This reminds me of the time I asked DSC (then 15 and 13) to please 'strip your beds and put the linen in the washing machine. 10 mins later I found one of them trying to jam two duvets (still in covers) and two pillows (with pillowcases on) into the washing machine. 😳

I realised that they'd never been asked to strip a bed so didn't understand what I meant. That's on both parents. I showed them and they did get the hang of it. DH was still really rubbish at keeping on top of the need for a linen change, so I used to just leave the clean stuff out to prompt some action.

Your situation sounds grim @Room1 Can you/DH ban all food and drink from rooms apart from a water bottle?

Your DH should be cleaning their room and doing their laundry, since he's too soft to teach them to do it themselves.

Ban food leaving the kitchen. There's no reason to eat in their bedroom.

Absolutely get cross at DH, he's allowed this to occur. They're just kids.

Sending laundry back to the mother is bad form. You're teaching them that women exist to serve them.

I can only imagine what the mother says about it all...

OP, you are leaving parts of your house dirty and moldy to make a point to an inattentive audience,? Why don't you open the blinds?

You are allowing an asset that you own to possibly loose value because you are making a point to whom? If you end up with a rodent infestation it won't be limited to just that room.

It seems as though, you are willing to cut of your nose to spite your face. Teens can be lazy and in this case nasty but you are the one who stands to lose. Why do you need to wait for their father to make them clean up the mess? Don't you have any authority in your house?

That's just teenagers. Did you not consider this when you got together with your DP? Surely you realised they wouldn't remain little children forever?

When you have kids you commit to a lifetime of being pissed off with them . It's a bit late to be reconsidering taking on step children. Well I suppose it's not - you could leave your partner ...

My kids are almost the same ages and their rooms are nothing like that! Messy, yes, often, but not mouldy, not stinky!

Your DH needs to step up & either clean or himself or make them do it.

Because that is what caretaking adults do for young people. You chose to become a step parent. You didn't have to. If you want them to act in a particular way, you have to teach them.

People choose to foster and they have to do the same. Just because they aren't biologically yours, you still chose to enter into their lives. If you hate it that much, I'd leave your partner.

This for sure.

I don't clean DS17 room anymore, but it reaches a certain stage and he can't stand it himself. I do strip his sheets though and open his window. I'd expect the DCs DF to do at least that.

I'd just keep nagging him until he either does it or gets them to do it.

Your ‘D’H is letting you AND his kids down.

This isn’t parenting; it’s ignoring his responsibilities. It’s not fair on you, and it’s not fair on his kids (or their future families) to not teach them the importance of looking after a house. My house is no showroom, but my DSes know that dirty washing goes in the basket, plates get cleared at the end of the meal, beds are made every morning and rooms are blitzed every few weeks. Their dad doesn’t make them do it at his house (easier to do it himself) but they don’t dislike coming here because of it.

As the saying goes, you have a DH problem.

I’d resent your partner in this situation before I resented the kids. He’s not parenting them. I couldn’t be with someone who didn’t look after their own children. He’s failing them.

To the extent that there is mould growing is NOT normal

If he wants to give them the red carpet treatment, he needs to be told that this MUST include cleaning their room for them! I'd ask him how he can let his children live in such squalor, and why HE doesn't do anything about it!

Bloody Disney dads.

Tell DP you want a Disney husband too.

There’s nothing more unattractive than a person who chooses to be a poor parent so that he’s more popular.