Is it necessary to meet the mum?

[MonkeyMinky]

My partner and me are discussing how to introduce me to his son who is eight

He has raised this with his ex who has asked to meet me. I said yes as felt it was the best way to make the process easier

When discussing with friends, more than one has asked why I am doing it and said for her to be informed is enough. They asked what it’s for apart from being nosey or trying to control the situation

I am a people pleaser and don’t like stress. Is this necessary? I think we need to keep her on side to make it easier but my friends have made me question this

I think it’s necessary. It’s always good if everyone can get along. I have been on both sides, I have been a step mum and now my dc have a ‘almost’ step mum. When I met dh’s dc I met their mother, there was some hard feelings to begin with but eventually we became good friends to the point she would rather speak to me than dh. I am now friends with ex dh’s new partner, my dc are teens so I don’t really need to have much to do with her but we do get on.

What kind of relationship does your DP have with his ex?

If things are calm and going well then meeting the mum could be a good idea but it could also end badly.

I would want to meet someone who is going to spend a significant amount of time with my child, which presumably you will if you are in a committed relationship with the child's father.

@Gingerkittykat it is quite a good relationship with 50% each. DP is very helpful and likes a quiet life but admits he has been at her beck and call for a long time.

Your friends sound strange.

Are your friends parents? If they aren't I'm not sure why you would take their advice. If they are I'm not sure why they don't understand why someone would want to meet. If me and my DH split and he got a new partner I'd want to meet her just so I know her face and am not a complete stranger. You are going to be helping to raise his child. If I was signing up to that I'd want to meet the mum myself.

I’d want to know who my child was spending overnights with and that so I don’t see the issue. Normally mumsnet swings the other way on this though!

I personally think it’s the right thing to do.

i met ex DP shortly after she me the kids. We are now 5 years down the line and we all have a very good relationship. We even pick each others kids up from school and she’s even watched my new baby

@NBLarsen yes this is what I thought. It can reassure (hopefully) and make it all
feel a bit better. I imagine it is an uncomfortable thought for her.

I agree. As a parent I think it’s fine to want to meet who your child is going to be spending a lot of time with. It would almost be odder if she didn’t want to meet you. It will make it so much easier if you all have some kind of relationship.

I think it's the right thing to do.

My DSS' Mum didn't want me to meet DSS without meeting her first and so I met them both at the same time. It went really well, she showed me photos of DSS and it helped to break the ice as DSS then wanted to point himself out to me. We have always got on really well.

I think it's fine for her to ask, but it's not necessary and it's not a requirement for you to say yes either. She shouldn't dictate and if you're not comfortable with it then that's up to you and I wouldn't judge you for saying no.

I understand wanting to meet who your child is spending time with when with their dad but really she doesn't have a right to meet you and you're perfectly entitled to say no. And whilst I do get the desire to meet, I'm with your friends in that I don't really see the purpose aside from just wanting to know / show your face. You are not going to learn anything about your exes partner by meeting them for 10 minutes or for a coffee. Nothing of importance anyway. You do have to trust your ex that he won't bring anyone into the children's lives that he isn't sure of and I think the only real way to tell is by giving it time to see how your children react, how they speak about the new partner, etc... Meeting for coffee first won't really give you anything. It's not like you can withdraw your permission for your ex to date someone if you don't like them.

I think it is a very good idea to meet your boyfriend's ex as they have a child.

She will also be nervous at first meeting, it's natural - so will your man!

I've known a couple of people who have met and grown to quite like the ex, vice versa. I really hope that will be the case for you. Good luck.

If DH and I ever split and he met someone else, I'd definitely want to meet them if they would be spending considerable time around our DC. Think about it from a parents perspective.

It depends on what she's like tbh amd what her motivation is.

I was pretty much blackmailed into meeting DH's ex as when we moved in together she threatened to stop overnight contact until she'd met me. I went along with it for a quiet life and it was like a fucking job interview, she asked a ton of questions about me, my background, our house, my experience with children, my job (so, youre in finance you say, where exactly do you work, can i ask who your employer is? Is your job secure in the current economic climate?). I'm pretty sure she was going to ask me about my salary until DH basically said right that's enough no more questions this is ridiculous . She paid a lot of attention to my jewellery and handbag etc. 100% sure she just wanted to be nosy.

I've never spoken to or seen her since other than giving her a wave from the car, and it's been almost 15 years! She made it clear she had no interest in any kind of cordial relationship with me, so no idea what the point of insisting on meeting me was.

If it's fairly amicable then I think it's the right thing to do however I have been in this position and met my partners ExW, oh my good god it was awful 🤣 she used it as an opportunity to list off a load of 'rules' that were completely self centred and had a whopper of a go. Thankfully shrugged off by me, and things have settled a bit now. I don't see her, apart from a random bump in and we quietly say hi but that's it. I'd be more than happy to get a long and show the children that the adults in their lives communicate well and are happy, but ermmmmm she's not on that wave length 🤔

"It can reassure (hopefully) and make it all
feel a bit better."

Yes, exactly, it's the right thing to do. Your friends sound a little unsupportive of your relationship.

I don't think it's completely necessary , but is the best way forward. It's certainly not unreasonable for her to want to meet the person her child will be spending a lot of time with, and potential step mum.

Well said! I agree.

SM1 - I knew as had been a family friend before she became the OW. I did not need to meet her or wish to as I knew her well. Her behaviour was so appalling towards my DCs - it was better not to speak or have anything to do with her.

When she and EX split - she wanted to share experiences as to how awful he was - I cut her dead, despite DCs still having to see her as their sibling was hers.

SM2 - she wanted to meet me. I was ambivalent after the expriences of SM1 and all her bad mouthing, drama etc. One DC has significant health issues and she asked about how to manage this, signs to look for etc. We met, still meet, have chat, plan things for DCs and can only say my DCS benefit from having her in their lives. Their relationship with their father is better than I could have imagined after the damage from SM1. She lets me know issues and vice versa - not having to rely on EX who forgets re meds, school issues, etc hs been simpler and better for all concerned.
Her relationship with SM1 is non existent and SM1 slags her off as she did me - makes her life much harder.

If the participants stay civil and act in the best interests of the children then communicating helps the whole process. Throw unhinged behaviour and bitterness into the mix someone gets hurt. Definitelly a case by case basis and lot of learning along the way

Yes, this is normal. Weird response from your friends.

I've been with my DP for 6 years, met his DD after about 8 months. She was almost 5 at the time. We are due to get married soon, have a DC of our own and lived together since early 2019. Ex has never once asked to meet me or shown any interest. Rarely picks up / drops off but when she does she just waits outside until DSD is sent out. I made a point of saying hello once but beyond that I've found the whole thing utterly bizarre and as a mother now myself, couldn't imagine not wanting to know who was going to be around my child and looking after them on a regular basis. It's healthy for the kids too. I think it's a positive, proactive and mature step and would fully embrace it if I were you. Good luck!

It isn’t necessary. But I think in an ideal world, it would be done.

My ex has met my partner, I have met my ex’s partner. Are we all besties? Not at all, but we can all talk civilly and there have been occasional group meets in the summer for dinner in the local beer garden, with the children.

My partner has met his ex’s partner. She doesn’t want to meet me, that’s fine too. But after we moved in together, there was a 9 month period where she didn’t actually know (from a visual point of view) where her children were spending half their lives because she also refused to do any pick ups/drop offs. I found that most odd, to be honest, but different people have different outlooks.

As a step parent... I personally won't get involved with the mother. I don't see a reason to meet.

I think your friends are being quite combative. In this situation you'd want to build a good relationship, not start out on a bad footing. Also respectful of the fact she's the child's mum, the child is probably the most precious thing she has and adores him, she'd want to know who has access to him in his home for sure