Is it necessary to meet the mum?

[MonkeyMinky]

My partner and me are discussing how to introduce me to his son who is eight

He has raised this with his ex who has asked to meet me. I said yes as felt it was the best way to make the process easier

When discussing with friends, more than one has asked why I am doing it and said for her to be informed is enough. They asked what it’s for apart from being nosey or trying to control the situation

I am a people pleaser and don’t like stress. Is this necessary? I think we need to keep her on side to make it easier but my friends have made me question this

In my early naive days of dating a man with kids I thought it would have been a good idea to meet their mother. I know if I’d had kids I would want to know who was helping to look after them (or at least spending time with them) when they were with their dad.

What I didn’t know at that time was that she was a self absorbed prick who actually didn’t give a shit as long as she got rid of them. I learned that pretty quickly. What’s funnier is her holier than thou attitude about what a great mother she is.

Things changed with the reality of step parenting and mostly down to her awful influence on his daughter and my relationship with the kids never blossomed.

I would never date a man with kids again but I still think meeting the mum should be an important step.

Well no court in the land would say you’re reasonable.

While it’s not required it is the grown up thing to do, and says a lot of the kind of person you are. It also helps the mum to trust you and that means hopefully it will be a much more positive experience for the kids as they’ll know everyone is acting in their best interests. My DP met my ex and while they may not be heading off down the pub together any time soon, they’re happy enough to spend time having a chat in the kitchen. It’s good for the kids to see positive, supportive respectful relationships.

Dad trusts her..should be good enough. How can you trust someone after a brief meeting? I wouldn’t trust someone to look after my dog after a few mins introduction but if my ex did then no problem would trust his judgement

I think your DP should be able to decide for himself whether you are the right person to be introduced to his DC. What difference does meeting the mum make in the early stages? I knew my ex for years but that didn’t stop him from turning out to be a manipulative, narcissistic nut job. I was once dating a guy who was so condescending about me ‘being approved’ by his ex before I met his kid. I wasn’t arsed about meeting either and his tone/one sided standpoint was the nail in the coffin for me. Being a step parent is hard enough, if this tests your boundaries, or feels uncomfortable, you don’t even want to know what’s around the corner.

I’ve not read all the replies so sorry if this is repetitive.

No, I don’t think it’s necessary and I don’t think
you should ever be forced into a situation you’re not comfortable with to appease someone else, kids or no kids.

Dad is a parent here too and if he thinks the kids are ok in your company that should be sufficient for Mum. Ultimately if she doesn’t like you it won’t make a jot of difference anyway, so this really is a meeting on principle.

My DH’s ex had many men live with her and yet when DH met me she insisted on meeting me - I was pretty comfortable with it as am a pretty confident person (and it’s ok not to be - this isn’t meant to be a statement loaded with judgment). I killed her with kindness and she was a bit flummoxed because it was clear this had been a control thing for her - her meeting me was a condition of DH being “allowed” to do other things and when I went in and led confidently she didn’t really know where to put herself and even told me hadn’t prepared (I caught her off guard).

I don’t think there was much to be gained from that encounter.

Equally my DH asked to meet a future partner of his exes. He had previous dodgy history (all of which was revealed by Google) and he wasn’t a great presence around kids. DH raised his concerns but his ex just said he was mean. He did the dirty and went back to old tricks regardless and DH was proved right - but again, being vetted had no impact on the outcome really.

The point I’m badly making is that meeting has no real consequence for either party because ultimately it’s not up to them who their ex dates. Irrespective of kids being involved.

No - you don’t have to meet her.

What is she doing ‘interviewing’ you?

I’ve been in my DSC lives for over 9 years and have never met the mother.

I have seen her twice in those 9 years - the first time when she was walking down the street with the kids (they were about 4 & 8 at the time) calling their dad ‘a f@cking piece of shit’. The 2nd time (kids were 12 & 16 by then) - she wasn’t happy about something on dads time & drove over to our house and was screaming abuse on our front door step. She was so abusive the police had to be called and she was removed by them.

My case is extreme. The EW is highly toxic even over 12 years post divorce. By association with her EH I’m the enemy. There is no way I would ever put myself in front of her - she’s too volatile.

All the people saying “I’d want to meet the SM as a parent” are missing the point. It’s not all about you and what you want. There are two other adults involved and one of them has nothing to do with you. Having children isn’t a ticket to having control over your ex forever. That’s just a tough part of separating. You don’t get to tell another grown adult what they should do just to make you feel better.

It's not about control. It's about collaboration. If you can all get on, it's better for everyone, and especially the children.

If you're starting a relationship with somebody with children, you need to be prepared for that.

Collaborating means taking everyone’s feelings into account. Starting with “I want” without caveating with a consideration for the other party involved is not in the spirit of collaboration.

Also

If you're starting a relationship with somebody with children, you need to be prepared for that.

This is dictating, not collaborating.

That's not dictating. That's common sense.

Sorry “you need” that’s dictating.

Someone not feeling comfortable meeting the ex or not seeing the benefit is a perfectly valid alternative view.

I think you need to familiarise yourself with the OED.

Thank you for perfectly illustrating my point re control.

Quite.

And the mum is also then free to not let the child be in the care of someone she’s never met (for instance if the child visits dad and partner x times a week or if child might be left alone with said partner if dad goes out for x or y).

And then of course that complicates the situation for dad too (tough shit), and then the two exes might choose to pursue the discord through legal/other routes.

If the OP still feels “tough shit” I’m not meeting the mother of this child - then surely the OP is also able to figure out the various things that might then ensure from the tough shit, which the OP May or May not wish to avoid. 🤷‍♂️

Obviously you wouldn’t want it to go as far as court but insisting another, unrelated adult meets you when they don’t want to is a not justification enough for withholding contact.

Thats an absolutely pathetic argument and fits neatly with my argument above that this is often just a control mechanism.

And the Family Court would disagree with you especially if you show behaviour that @NorthernSpirit has described.

@RedTulipsSpring to be fair, you're right that it is often a control tactic - especially on some of the threads you read here.

I think I'd just like to think if my children were to have step parents, we'd all be able to act like adults and be respectful of each others worries/concerns etc.

Then she would be one shit mother and I would pity her children. Talk about controlling.

Yes. I agree re being respectful.

But don’t agree its necessary and if someone feels uncomfortable for whatever reason, maybe they’re anxious/shy/hate confrontation or insecure a whole myriad of reasons why they might not want to meet that’s ok too. It wouldn’t be respectful to insist or try and take someone’s autonomy away. Nor would it help relations overall.

There is absolutely no legal grounds on which you can withhold contact until you're met your exes new partner...none at all.

Most 'normal' situations you will end up meeting in passing at a drop off or school play and exchange a few pleasantries but I'm not sure how it needs to go beyond that. By saying you want to meet the new partner first is almost like thinking you have control over who your ex dates and you don't.

In my situ Mum was incredibly controlling and told DH she would only agree to a holiday if she met me. Notwithstanding the fact that DSS had already stayed with me (and DH) for over a fortnight when she had been away. But it was just a way to exert some control over his request.

I just answered the door the next time she dropped him off and she literally said she hadn’t prepared her questions for me as I’d caught her off guard. I believe she was intent on intimidating me and was enjoying the satisfaction of being able to dictate re our holiday.

Not everyone is respectful and not everyone approaches it for the right reasons.

That's bonkers. You can look after my child for a fortnight so I can enjoy myself but god forbid you want to look after him and enjoy yourself 🤯

@SittingNextToIt

And the mum is also then free to not let the child be in the care of someone she’s never met (for instance if the child visits dad and partner x times a week or if child might be left alone with said partner if dad goes out for x or y).

She's absolutely not free to do this though. Dad has as much right to decide who he leaves his child with as mum has.

It sounds like you are using various things as a threat. You might want to rethink that strategy, as it won't be viewed well by court, or indeed by your kids as they come to recognize it.

Yup - prime I’m not getting my own way so I’ll withhold the children from you.