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Step-parenting

Connect with other Mumsnetters here for step-parenting advice and support.

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Original poster

Is it necessary to meet the mum?

103 replies

MonkeyMinky · 26/04/2023 18:56

My partner and me are discussing how to introduce me to his son who is eight

He has raised this with his ex who has asked to meet me. I said yes as felt it was the best way to make the process easier

When discussing with friends, more than one has asked why I am doing it and said for her to be informed is enough. They asked what it’s for apart from being nosey or trying to control the situation

I am a people pleaser and don’t like stress. Is this necessary? I think we need to keep her on side to make it easier but my friends have made me question this

OP posts:

Are your children’s vaccines up to date?

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littleburn · 27/04/2023 06:55

I'm going to go against the grain here, but I think it really depends on a number of things. I'm divorced myself and have a partner, as does my ex husband, so coming at this from the perspective of having been in this situation from both ends!

First off I'm presuming that you've been with your DP for some time and so are at the point where meeting his DC is appropriate. In those circumstances I think making your ex aware that your child is going to meet your partner is polite. As there'll be more of a cross-over between your time with your partner and his time with his DC from here in in, you and the ex are naturally going to come into contact more, at pick ups and drop offs etc. So you get introduced and say hi. I think that's totally appropriate.

If she's requesting a formal, sit-down meeting with you (not completely clear from your post), then I think that's way over the top and her trying to still exert control. You mention that she's used to having your partner 'at her beck and call' and that he goes along with it for an easy life ... well this would be an example of her trying to keep exerting that control, by screening his new partner. The only reason I can think for reasonably requesting a formal meeting is if your partner is rushing things and looking to move you in after 3 months or something. In those circumstances I'd do the same!

As I say, this comes from personal experience. If everyone is sensible then these things happen naturally - your paths cross, you see that they're a normal person/don't have two heads and, in time, that person may end up being the step mum or dad. Or may not.

ejbaxa · 27/04/2023 07:05

I would go ahead and do it. There is no point in refusing just because you can - it could lead to bad feeling and bad relations. There is point in building a civil relationship with her as she’s coparenting with your dp. And as a mother I’m sure she just wants to feel confident that her child is going to be safe with you.

pillsthrillsandbellyache · 27/04/2023 07:26

The fact that your DP says he has being at her beck and call is not a good sign OP. Remember this, she doesn't get to dictate any aspect of your life. I'm concerned you say you are a people pleaser. You need to enforce rock solid boundaries before you meet his son. Have a read of some of the step parenting threads to see where this could go. If you want to meet her, I wouldn't, then it needs to be at a time convenient to you. First boundary. Dont be a pushover.

Reugny · 27/04/2023 07:32

Most of the posters here are not step-mums and don't/didn't have step-parents. They are giving you advice on what they think but not reality.

As someone who is one, has had two step-mothers, has friends who are step-mums plus friends and colleagues who have step-mums their advice is wrong.

It is bonkers for you to meet the child's mother now.

You are never going to be the child's parent. So put boundaries in from the beginning that you do not do parenting or are the main childcare when their child is with their father. The child is coming to spend time with their father not you. You are not a housemaid and nanny. You will not be thanked by anyone for doing these jobs.

Remember if tomorrow you split up with the father you would never see your step-child again.

Make sure all communication about the child goes directly between the parents without your involvement. You need to make that clear to both your DP and in turn his ex. This means the child's mother should not have your number and you should never be listed as an emergency contact at school etc. (This doesn't mean you don't help the father in an emergency but the school etc needs to contact him first to get you to help out. You should never help the mother as you are not in a relationship with her. You are no-ones slave.)

All the stepmums and mothers who have met each other I know met more organically. So at a handover or a child focused event e.g. sports event their own child(ren) was involved in.

There have been occasions when step-mums and mothers meet without the fathers involvement but this is to ensure half-siblings who are too young to do so can see each other. You aren't in this category.

In my case I haven't met my DP's ex for many reasons and now due to the age of SC I don't need to. My mother met my first step-mother and they helped each other out with childcare but she had no need to met my second step-mother because we were all old enough to sort out our own relations with adults by then.

Wallywobbles · 27/04/2023 07:41

I asked to meet partners/house sharers. In part to show them I wasn't the 2 headed devil ExH told them I was. They were the only thing between my kids and him until he lost parental responsibility.

He never asked to meet my now DH. And snubbed him every time they were in the same place at the same time.

hourbyhour101 · 27/04/2023 07:46

I don't know I'm a step mum and a mum.
If things are cordial and DH has a decent relationship I would meet her.

I agree though all communication should go through DH and you need to have strong boundaries to make sure all parties know you aren't childcare/maid ect

13Bastards · 27/04/2023 08:48

DP's exW insisted on meeting me before they told their kid that I existed, the idea was that she could assure them that I was nice and she liked me so there would be no feelings of guilt on their part. We got on well tbf and still do.

The same wasn't extended the other way though, her DP was introduced as a friend very early on!

IDontWantToBeAPie · 27/04/2023 09:25

I don't think so. My mum and step mum have never met and it's been about 16 years now. God help them if they had.

Hotfootgoose · 27/04/2023 09:26

It’s totally normal for someone to want to meet the woman who will be around their child - it would be odd for her not to ask really

Bunnywabbity · 27/04/2023 09:32

Completely agree with PP who have said you need to set your boundaries. It already sounds like a bitof a disaster in the making with your DP being at his ex's beck and call and you being a people pleaser. Please don't find yourself in a situation where you're trying to keep everyone happy, you're bottom of everyone's priorities and your needs are ignored. Don't set yourself up as a nanny and maid to suit DP.

Daisydu · 27/04/2023 09:34

No. She doesn’t get to decide if she likes you or vet you. It is a control thing most probably. I guess sometimes some mums might be genuine and just wanna say hello, but I doubt it. You shouldn’t feel like you have to meet her, if you don’t feel comfortable then say no.

CornishGem1975 · 27/04/2023 09:44

Guavafish1 · 27/04/2023 02:19

As a step parent... I personally won't get involved with the mother. I don't see a reason to meet.

Same. Neither does she want to meet me. Five years later and it's never felt necessary.

My own DC also have a stepmum and I don't feel the need to meet her either.

KILM · 27/04/2023 09:51

I think it is better for the kids, honestly - if you have met they aren't going to be anxious about discussing things that happen in both homes. Also, it gives you a chance right - yes, having a positive relationship isn't the norm but if you never meet you never get a chance to have that relationship!

Screwballs · 27/04/2023 10:50

I didnt meet her for 6 years had no interest whatsoever. I dont like being controlled and I certainly wasnt going to beg her permission to meet her offspring. We've since met and now communicate diaries between us, and all is fine. No need to force it at all, you dont owe the mother. If you are happy to then go for it, but if not, its completely your choice and you shouldnt feel forced.

Franxx68 · 27/04/2023 10:51

No, it's not necessary at all despite what all the ex wives have told you on this thread. It's just a way for them to have some kind of control still. You are in a relationship with your DP, not DP & his ex wife and it's entirely up to him whom he chooses to date and none of her business quite frankly.

I have been with my DP for 4 years and never met my DSD's mum. Cannot think of anything worse personally, and I'm sure she feels the same way. What would we possibly say to each other? I mean really!

This entire dynamic sounds weird and I'd be seriously reconsidering my relationship with this man if I were you...

Groggygymdodger · 27/04/2023 10:52

I also think it’s right, saying no is a passive aggressive negative act that will add nothing positive to the relationship . It also makes you look like you’ve an issue with her, jealous or insecure. If you want this to work, then meet her.

your friends sound weird and paranoid. Like they can only deem this woman a threat and can’t even start to think what is best for the child. There is nothing wrong and everything right with her wanting to meet someone who will be a part of her child’s life and potentially ultimately a step parent.

Bananarama77 · 27/04/2023 10:55

I think just a brief introduction is fine so she knows who you are (face to name) but you don’t need to spend hours with her & it wouldn’t be a good idea to get too friendly after all she hasn’t got to ‘approve’ you, your partner has already made the decision that he wants you to meet his DC so that’s good enough

SD1978 · 27/04/2023 11:12

It really depends. Would it be nice to meet the woman/ man your child will be spending time with- absolutely. Is it a necessity- no. If you're comfortable with it, I think it would probably be reassuring for his mum but you're not obligated to if you don't want to.

SimpleSimple · 27/04/2023 11:16

I don't think I'd want to be involved with someone who my husband describes having him at her beck and call. Why can't you just meet organically like when she collects them one day or something? Why a forced meeting?

The more I think about it, the more I kind of agree with your friends that it's not really for any other reason then nosiness about the woman your children are with when at their dads. I don't disagree that it's understandable but I absolutely think you should want to do it if you agree and not just agree because you feel you should. I don't think it's passive aggressive or anything else to say 'no thank you' and just meet her as and when it comes up if that is what you'd prefer.

You're a people pleaser as you say, it sounds like she walks all over your partner as it is, I'd be worried about falling into the same pattern. She isn't his or your boss.

Basically do it if you WANT to do it. Not because she's asked. If you don't want to, say no. You have as much right to say no as she does to ask.

MrsMontyD · 27/04/2023 11:30

I've met DPs exW once, it wasn't planned just bumped into her when she was collecting DSD.

We've never felt the need for anything more formal, DP has a reasonably good relationship with her and DSD is old enough to let her know if she has any concerns.

Groggygymdodger · 27/04/2023 11:40

Franxx68 · 27/04/2023 10:51

I have been with my DP for 4 years and never met my DSD's mum. Cannot think of anything worse personally, and I'm sure she feels the same way. What would we possibly say to each other? I mean really!

This entire dynamic sounds weird and I'd be seriously reconsidering my relationship with this man if I were you...

Tell me you’re jealous and insecure without telling me you’re jealous and insecure 😂

Franxx68 · 27/04/2023 11:45

Groggygymdodger · 27/04/2023 11:40

Tell me you’re jealous and insecure without telling me you’re jealous and insecure 😂

Show quote history

Hit a nerve did I 😆

This comment just proves my point lol...

thestepmumspacepodcast · 27/04/2023 11:48

Totally depends on the situation. Fine of her to ask and fine of you to say yes. Be wary of friends who try and create conflict between ex and you where there isn't any! It's a trap many people fall into.

Good luck x

ladycardamom · 27/04/2023 11:50

Yes, I think it's a good idea. Your friends are wrong.

Disneygirl37 · 27/04/2023 11:56

If he has a good relationship with her then I think it's a good thing to do.
A friend of mine who was the ex really appreciated her ex husband new partner doing this. She invited her around for a coffee so she could see where the children were staying etc. It completely put her mind at rest and if they need to communicate for whatever reason it's a lot easier.

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