Is it necessary to meet the mum?

[MonkeyMinky]

My partner and me are discussing how to introduce me to his son who is eight

He has raised this with his ex who has asked to meet me. I said yes as felt it was the best way to make the process easier

When discussing with friends, more than one has asked why I am doing it and said for her to be informed is enough. They asked what it’s for apart from being nosey or trying to control the situation

I am a people pleaser and don’t like stress. Is this necessary? I think we need to keep her on side to make it easier but my friends have made me question this

I didn't let my dd stay with my ex's partners until I had met her.

It totally depends on the situation. If DP is on good terms with his ex then it's not a bad idea to meet but I'd suggest meeting briefly and organically rather than setting up a meeting. For instance, at the next drop off and pick up you could say hi and introduce yourself. I think that's plenty and as your relationship with DP continues you can build on that. DP should be present and should remain the point of contact for childcare arrangements unless there's an emergency.

It is concerning however that you say DP is at her beck and call. That needs to stop or you're going to end up really resenting her and him. Please don't fall into the trap that many others do of allowing your DP to cancel your plans because his ex requests a change to the parenting schedule. Don't fall into the trap of believing the kids should always come first and you just fit in around them. DP has chosen to get into a relationship so he needs to make sure you're a priority too. My DH always asks me if his ex requests a change before he replies to her. I'm always taken into consideration and I've never felt like 2nd best to the kids. We have them just over 50%. Reading a lot of the posts on MN though, many SMs are not given this consideration by their DP and dad guilt often means they will be at the exs beck and call and will jump at any chance to see their kids or help out the ex.

Just remember, she doesn't have to like you and she doesn't have to be happy about you being in her kids lives. Obviously it helps if people can be friendly and amicable but that's not always the case. So just don't feel disheartened if it doesn't all go amazingly well.

Why? What did it achieve briefly meeting them, meeting them doesn’t mean you know them

My DSCs have 2 different mums. I knew of one of the mums through a friend of friends sort of thing so had met her briefly previously before DH and I got together. She's very high conflict and DH does not have a good relationship with her. I did try to connect with her in the beginning but it was met with anger and abuse. DH told her about me before he told the kids as a courtesy. It didn't go down well and she said she didn't want me near her DD. I met the kids regardless as DH felt it was the right time
I've had to step in and do the odd pick up/drop off and she's generally been unpleasant and passive aggressive so I avoid speaking to her and make swap overs as brief as possible.

My DSS mum I've never met. He was 13 when I got with my DH so contact arrangements were generally made directly through DSS rather than with his mum. DH is on good terms with her and did tell her about me before he told the kids. She was indifferent and didn't request to meet me or anything. She's told DH that DSS had told her I was really nice and great at cooking. I'm sure I'll meet her one day.

It achieved control and implied sole ownership of child, insomuch as making the father beg for his rightful access to his child by jumping through hoops.

That’s seriously messed up. Poor kids

Definitely the right thing. I've been a SM for 10 years and their mother has never once even looked in my direction. She was trying to reconcile with DH when he met me but he's a big boy and made his own choices. She's a very bitter woman and it's put the DC in very awkward positions at times. It's so much better if everyone can be grown up about things.

Absolutely not necessary. My DH's ex kicked up a right fuss as I hadn't asked to meet her. Why would I be asking to meet her? She's no one to me. I said if she wanted to arrange a coffee and meet me then fine. She never did.

Thing is if you refuse it will only get her back up. It shouldn't be like that but for smooth relations I'd just say hi when you next see her or whatever. She doesn't get to vet you though and have a response ready for if she starts to ask personal questions you don't want to answer.

Precisely. How controlling. Screams 'im the MOTHER don't you know?! Far more important than Dad!'.

I don't think it's one or the other though.

I get on fine with my husband's ex. We never made specific plans for a meet up or anything. She's never vetted or questioned me. We just met organically at drop off/pick up, birthday parties and the like. It's fine, nothing is awkward.

You don't HAVE to agree to see your husband's ex for some scheduled meet up so she can 'see the woman he's with'. The likelihood is she will meet OP at some point. She doesn't need to make things awkward for the children or her ex just because she hasn't met OP for coffee before she deemed it acceptable for her child's father to introduce them.

How was that in your control?

Best thing I did was meet my exH’s new partner. My exH and I do get on well, but sometimes have very different ideas about the logistical side of parenting. His new partner, now that she knows me quite well, more often than not will agree with me when we are ironing out logistical kinks which in turn makes exH more likely to listen and see things from my and her perspective.
I’m not saying meet her and become best mates…but I do think it’s important if you’re going to be around the DCs regularly.

It’s rather simple you see.

If you have a child, are you okay with that child being looked after X times a week/month by someone who you have never met?

that’s your answer.

A child that never met their father? You assume his father's girlfriend is providing child care?

😮Is your dad that bad?

It's not that simple at all.

Firstly there's nothing to suggest OP will be providing any childcare (and nor should there be, especially at this stage) and secondly, she cannot demand to meet and agree any person her child's father asks to care for their child on his contact time. It is, simply, not really any of her business.

As evidenced in people's responses to the recent thread where a mother asked the dad to drop the children off with a childminder he'd never met before and the overwhelming response was mum could ask whoever she wanted on her time and it was nothing to do with the dad.

You do have to have some level of trust in your co parent surely? That they won't leave your children in a situation that could be harmful or inappropriate. That anyone they ask to provide care for your children during their time will be someone they know and trust. You don't, and can't reasonably demand to, meet every single one of them.

Did that poster hit a nerve? Doesn't sound jealous or insecure AT ALL to me. Sounds like someone who won't take any shit. More stepmothers should try it.

Tough shit if OP doesn't want to meet her she is under no obligation to do so

I've been told on this thread I'm jealous & insecure of my DP's ex wife because I said it's a form of control, and there's literally posts from ex wife's saying this.

I rest my case

Yeah I mean that's definitely someone with an over inflated sense of importance

The point is that it isn’t entirely up to you to refuse; your ex presumably picked well & wouldn’t introduce kids to just anyone plus who they see on his time is none of your business unless serious safeguarding issues obviously. You don’t get to approve her! It does seem controlling & jealous & just because other ex’s say the same doesn’t make it right!

And what is the end objective of this meeting anyway? They way posters have worded it makes it sound like a bloody interview. If the ex wife decides she doesn't like the new gf, does she think that he is going to turn around and dump her?

Of course he won't which makes the entire ordeal particularly pointless.

I know right. It's not an approval process. If it's just a genuine hi nice to talk to the person who is going to be a big part of my child's life just so it's not awkward at pick up/their wedding then fine.

I think it's just easier for the kids if everyone's comfortable with each other. There may be times when they confide in a step parent and they want them to let bio parent know.