I just want to be able to leave my house for a SIMPLE journey FFS!

[SimpleSimple]

My husband has a habit of basically anywhere we go, wanting to invite DSC. I get it for bigger things (although we do have them 50:50 and make sure to do things when they are here too) but it's even tiny silly things and everything then has to turn into a big thing of collecting, dropping off, waiting for them to finish X hobby before we can go or whatever. They live about a 10 minute drive away and providing they aren't out themselves doing something their mum is basically always fine for us to go and get them and take them out and drop them back off.

Anyway, we had a big of an argument last night because we went to collect our child from pre school at about 6pm and both agreed we'd not had the day for going home and cooking so we said how about a spontaneous McDonald's trip. We were just pulling out from preschool when he starts with the 'can I just ring ex and ask if DSC want to come' and I lost it (not shouting or anything) and said 'can we just go on a simple McDonalds trip without having to mess around picking up, dropping off, waiting for them to finish XYZ before we can go'. It's McDonald's for goodness sake, not a five star holiday.

It's not that we never go to McDonald's either, we do so it's not some massive treat that DSC never ever get.

I can't stand it. The feeling like we can't ever just nip out somewhere that might be considered even remotely good or fun or a treat without first ringing around, waiting, picking up, dropping off etc etc.

I want to be sympathetic because I know it must be hard not to see you children as much as you'd like but for goodness sake it just gets stupid. I'm then accused of not wanting to see them blah blah.

And before anyone asks, if my child was elsewhere for the night yes I absolutely would take my other child to McDonald's without waiting for or going to collect the other!

Sounds like he wants it to be one big happy family - “the kids” - rather than accept that he has children with different mothers and adapt accordingly. The fact that you already have his kids 50/50 - ie ample time to do fun stuff with them - should be plenty. What he’s doing is unfair to the child you share together. And given that you already have his kids 50/50 - a huge responsibility - him saying “you don’t want to see them” is pretty awful. Sounds like he has major issues.

I guess I just don't see it as some heartbreaking exclusion to go on a spontaneous McDonald's trip that they don't even know about on the way home from nursery. I think that's very dramatic personally.

I'm glad ex loves them so much and doesn't want them to miss out on something small as a maccies

Do you never go to maccies with your children? 🙄

I see if from both sides but when you said Sunday lunch I realised he's lost the plot! I cook it for the two of us sometimes when the kids (adults) have better offers. It's a balance, and assuming little treats like McDonald's, a coffee out, basic takeaway aren't a budget stretch that means no treats for ages the yanbu, he needs to see these things as living rather than special occasions. I do completely get wanting to involve the whole family, we wait for one of my DD's leave to do really special family things.

@SimpleSimple A PP suggested that your DH is an "amazing dad". I will give him some credit in that he sounds like an "amazing dad" in respect of his elder children. Not so much in respect of his youngest child, who he can't be arsed to do anything with, or for, unless the other two are there as well.

If I were you OP I would tell him, in no uncertain terms, that if you want to take your child to the park, swimming, out for something to eat or indeed to the bloody moon, that you are no longer hanging around waiting to see if the older children are available. Go on your own with your child and without him. He can see his eldest children whenever he likes but he doesn't get to make your child hang around like a spare part while he does it.

Surely this stuff was happening before you had DC, did you think this was going to change when they were born?

Tbh no I think it's much worse since we had our child to be honest.

Before things could be seen as couple time that we went and did together if that makes sense? But now anything involving our child in his mind, even if mundane and not that eventful, must also include DSC.

I’ll take a punt op

that you don’t get on with your step kids and they’re not overly fond of you either

He needs to see that his older kids have their mum time and time with him. I bet that their mum doesn't do to him what he does to her

The comment about the Sunday roast actually gets right to the heart of the matter imo

I agree.

And if we do split up maybe our child will then be worth cooking for

I wonder if your shared DC would be factored in at all, tbh.

@Youheshetheysaid I get the impression it's her husband she is pissed off with, not the children. And rightly so.

I guess he probably feels guilty about only seeing his older kids 50% of the time while he will see his preschooler the whole time. But if so then why become a dad again when that would obviously be the case.

As dramatic as a grown woman kicking off because she can’t have her own way at McDonald’s?

I dont get that impession for one second. If that were the case the dsc would not be giving up time with their mum to do things with their dad, sibling and OP!.

Give your head a wobble.

A PP suggested that your DH is an "amazing dad". I will give him some credit in that he sounds like an "amazing dad" in respect of his elder children. Not so much in respect of his youngest child, who he can't be arsed to do anything with, or for, unless the other two are there as well.

This is why I find it so laughable and keep mentioning the Sunday dinner comment (which he has said a few times).

He might look like an amazing dad in regards to DSC but it's hardly amazing for our shared child is it? And I find it laughable that posters are so obviously only considering DSC when they make such comments because it's not an amazing dad to say making an effort isn't worth it for just one of your children. That's not going to make our child feel amazing is it? Like PP said, it can feel like you have two people advocating for DSC and only me for ours.

I appreciate he may not actually mean it how it sounds but it doesn't make it less hurtful to hear.

You are married to an inconsiderate man-baby that needs to grow up and accept the fact that he is now married to you and you have a joint younger child to think of - he seems to care little for your child imho.

He should simply stick to his alloted time with his older kids. End of.

As long as the DSC’s mother is ok with impromptu visits then YABU.
Your DC clearly loves his DC. In an ideal world he may always hate the fact that he has had to have an arrangement where he only sees them for a part of the week. Sadly marriages do break up but the biggest heartbreak is not being with your DC all the time when they’re young.
You had DSC when you got together. You can’t just put them in a box to suit yourself. Anyone with children & a failed relationship should try extremely hard to nurture the relationship between their children & themselves.
Your DC sounds a kind, caring individual, be thankful.

That would drive me nuts, spontaneous random stuff like the CBA to cook takeaway/McDonalds, stopping at a park on the way past, random impulse soft play visits with friends isn't a treat, it's just life.

My older one loses out on 'treats' that happen during school time and younger DC would go to the 'coffee shop' (Gregg's) while we were waiting for her to do an activity.

Making quick and easy stuff complicated when everyone is tired is just wrong and inconsiderate to everyone, including the DSC's mum.

You are soooooo clearly another disney dad. 😂

Absolutely ridiculous OP.

Sure, include SDC in special trips etc but all the back and forth is insane. They should be left to have time with their mum not shuttled about on your DP's whim.

Yes that's the whole problem 🙄

What?

(Or as Oprah would have said "WHAAAAAAAAAAAT?")

You and your child aren't worth a delicious roast dinner?

I'm sorry OP, but I wouldn't have a bloke like yours for a Gold Pig.

Everybody saying "He's just being a good dad" - Is he? IS he? Really?

He's encroaching on their time with their mother; he's doing "fun" things with them all the time and their mum is left with the boring, tedious stuff (or OP is - how often does he eg do their washing while they are with you, OP?); he's telling them that they are important but his new family isn't; he's telling OP and their child the same; he's putting extra stress on OP - who is very happy to have his other children in his 50:50 time - but wants some family time with the child they have together; OP can't even make a roast dinner without having to ensure there's enough for his other kids etc . . .

IS he a good dad? Or is he a "good" dad? Is this a way of exerting control over his ex, and making himself seem the "better" parent? Perhaps she goes along with it, seemingly happy to do so, because it is easier than him kicking off and perhaps getting the children upset. There's a mid-way line between total neglect and having the kids all the time - when you are co-parenting you shouldn't cross it except for special circumstances.

I've never met this man, OP, but I don't like him, I'm afraid.

This is actually not true at all. It's not the children in any way that I'm resentful of. It's the silliness around his guilt and how OTT he takes it to the point I feel like we can never just do quick and easy/normal things when they aren't around. Everything ends up being a chore or a big job.

I actually get on with the kids really well. You can choose not to believe that if you like.

It's his guilt doing this - trying to pretend that he is still a 100% father. It's ridiculous. He needs to grow up and accept that he has two families that sometimes meet and sometimes don't.

Is this the SC version of the 'You don't seem to like your friend much, OP, & she probably doesn't like you - I don't know why you're even friends' which always appears at some point in an AIBU, despite all evidence to the contrary?