I just want to be able to leave my house for a SIMPLE journey FFS!

[SimpleSimple]

My husband has a habit of basically anywhere we go, wanting to invite DSC. I get it for bigger things (although we do have them 50:50 and make sure to do things when they are here too) but it's even tiny silly things and everything then has to turn into a big thing of collecting, dropping off, waiting for them to finish X hobby before we can go or whatever. They live about a 10 minute drive away and providing they aren't out themselves doing something their mum is basically always fine for us to go and get them and take them out and drop them back off.

Anyway, we had a big of an argument last night because we went to collect our child from pre school at about 6pm and both agreed we'd not had the day for going home and cooking so we said how about a spontaneous McDonald's trip. We were just pulling out from preschool when he starts with the 'can I just ring ex and ask if DSC want to come' and I lost it (not shouting or anything) and said 'can we just go on a simple McDonalds trip without having to mess around picking up, dropping off, waiting for them to finish XYZ before we can go'. It's McDonald's for goodness sake, not a five star holiday.

It's not that we never go to McDonald's either, we do so it's not some massive treat that DSC never ever get.

I can't stand it. The feeling like we can't ever just nip out somewhere that might be considered even remotely good or fun or a treat without first ringing around, waiting, picking up, dropping off etc etc.

I want to be sympathetic because I know it must be hard not to see you children as much as you'd like but for goodness sake it just gets stupid. I'm then accused of not wanting to see them blah blah.

And before anyone asks, if my child was elsewhere for the night yes I absolutely would take my other child to McDonald's without waiting for or going to collect the other!

As the child of divorced parents, I would have loved to still have felt so included in my fathers new life/world and think it’s wonderful what your husband tries to do. As a mother and wife in your position, I would find this incredibly frustrating and restrictive. I’m sorry I have no advice to offer, but I actually don’t think either of you are being unreasonable.

I think you’re right @SimpleSimple, how horrible to hear your parent say you aren’t worth making a roast dinner for but your siblings are. (Whether half siblings or not).

I think you need to be clear with hiM, you want to continue to include step children in anything but it would be better for everyone for all other activities to be pre planned. This is better for the kids anyway and definitely for their Mom.

Is there a reason he feels so guilty to be acting like this? Was there an affair, was he a shit partner (not that he'd tell you of course) or anything like that?

I think you need to sit him down OP, its not good for your child to feel that they aren't enough just them and it isn't good for his other children to have such disruption to their routine all the time during mums time.

Is it at all possible that the child will grow up thinking that in his house roast dinners were on the menu when everyone was present? How does that make him feel less than? It is more than likely be will grow up thinking that it is routine to do something when the entire family is present and other things are done ad hoc.

You'll get 95% of MN agreeing with you OP, they seem to always favour women in your position.

However I have an ex who behaves like yours, and I'm glad for it. It means our DC feel loved and wanted despite our relationship ending and us both moving on. I'm glad ex loves them so much and doesn't want them to miss out on something small as a maccies.

The comment about the Sunday roast was shit though.

He's really selfish.
He's taking his ex's time with the children, he's selfish towards you and your joint child- if the eldest didn't exist would you never have Sunday dinner coz there's only 3 of you?
And he's selfish to his kids because he's putting them in the position of having to chose when realistically they are on their mums time.
It's all about him and what he wants.

@SquidwardBound That is a very good point. He isn't trying to make sure his child is involved in all the drudgery and humdrum of every day life. Just the "fun" stuff.

The comment about the Sunday roast actually gets right to the heart of the matter imo

I am suprised the two older kids want to go out for a walk or to the park after being out all day and doing a hobby or whatnot.

If it is about being equal and fair, then he can take just the older ones to maccies when they are with him so that way everyone had the treat or fun thing that week.

If it is about enjoying more time with this kids and they want to be with him, then that is a harder one to deal with.

I am sure he plays with and does things with the younger child when the older ones aren't there.

But with multiple kids and older kids, there is some juggling around schedules. You can't always just nip out spontaneously. You do often have to wait until practice is over or they finish their homework or whatever.

scale it up. The child will know they can’t just go to the park. No that has to be organised to ensure the other children are there. They can’t have a roast dinner if special arrangements aren’t made to ensure the other children are there.

‘In this house we only do fun things when the other children are there’ is a horrible message to grow up with.

Similarly the older children are very clearly told that ‘in this house, you are the most important children and the reason to do
fun things’. That isn’t good for the children either.

If you ever split up I think you’d find this far preferable to having a co-parent who never takes his children anywhere that he doesn’t want to go himself and doesn’t care for them as much as you do

I think it would piss me off no end if I had a 50:50 arrangement and dcs dad kept phoning up for spontaneous collections several times a week including my Sundays. If I’ve cooked dinner then the last thing I want is someone phoning to say “I want to pick up the kids and take them to McDonald’s”.
“I want to take the kids to Alton Towers/ a mini break/ a wedding but it’s your weekend” fair enough. Endless nagging to take the kids mundane places in my precious time - no thanks. That it’s either this or no contact is ridiculous. It’s not. Loads of people manage 50:50 without this.

But with multiple kids and older kids, there is some juggling around schedules. You can't always just nip out spontaneously. You do often have to wait until practice is over or they finish their homework or whatever.

Isn't this a bit of a simplistic view though when we are talking about separated parents? If both parents live together then yes I understand there is a bit of juggling with multiple children and their schedules.

But when DSC are at their mum's we shouldn't need to juggle everything around their schedule still. Same as when they are with us, mum doesn't spend her time without them still living by schedule of whatever they are doing during their time with us. Why would she? They aren't there.

I think you're right they are seperated. Life goes on in both households. If they wanted a life were the DSC do everything then they shouldn't have split up.

But with multiple kids and older kids, there is some juggling around schedules. You can't always just nip out spontaneously. You do often have to wait until practice is over or they finish their homework or whatever.

There IS a contact schedule here. One that must be varied and reorganised to make sure the older kids are there. Waiting til homework is done at another house - where the schedule said the children should be - before you can decide to divert via McDonald’s after nursery.

If it were during dad’s contact time, the arrangements would be made around everyone. But this isn’t his contact time.

it’s dad deciding that everyone else should change their plans to make him feel better.

youngest is nursery age an oldest is 12 so max 2/3 years of any family group park trips really.

more than likely in 4 years youngest DC will be doing all these things only with their parents as both siblings will be off being teenagers.

Coparenting with a man who wants to Disney dad on your time (and have you constantly change your plans to suit him) sounds dire. Really, really awful.

It’s sheer male entitlement that the world should revolve around him.

There’s lots of sensible middle ground between man who fucks off and does nothing with his kids and man who thinks everyone’s lives centre around him.

Ah. The ‘they’re younger so it doesn’t matter’ argument.

I imagine soon to be followed by 'they won't remember it anyway'

It doesn’t sound like this is the relationship for you tbh. If you can’t fit in with him & his child that’s fair enough but you’ll have to find someone who’s parenting you can accept.

He’s sounds like an amazing Dad btw.

And if we do split up maybe our child will then be worth cooking for 🙂

At least you know when if you break up - he will want to remain involved in your child’s life

How am many times has he actually said that?

YANBU - this would drive me crackers!

It annoys the heck out of me having to wait while DD and DH faff about before doing anything (they are a right pair of fannies), so having to check availability, go and collect, wait at the other end, drop off again etc would be the last straw.

Plus, you have a mixed family and are happy to spend time with stepchildren, but that doesn't mean that wanting to spend time just taking your own child for a treat, and giving them a bit of a fuss, makes you a Wicked Stepmother.

I'll bet his other family go for treats with their mam and don't ring up and ask yours along - why shouldn't your little one have time alone with his/her parents?

Honestly you sound really childish in some of these response.

Maybe, idk, have an all cards out on the table conversation with your husband. My suggestion, limit the amount of times you go on about the bloody roast dinner 🙄

Do you feel like DSC is more important to him than your DC? I’m sure that’s not the case.

Surely this stuff was happening before you had DC, did you think this was going to change when they were born?

I think asking him to involve his child less will hurt him more then this hurts you if I’m honest. He just deeply loves his child, I can’t see this as a bad thing. It’s a minor inconvenience to you to go and get the child but expecting your DH to exclude him could be heartbreaking for him.