I just want to be able to leave my house for a SIMPLE journey FFS!

[SimpleSimple]

My husband has a habit of basically anywhere we go, wanting to invite DSC. I get it for bigger things (although we do have them 50:50 and make sure to do things when they are here too) but it's even tiny silly things and everything then has to turn into a big thing of collecting, dropping off, waiting for them to finish X hobby before we can go or whatever. They live about a 10 minute drive away and providing they aren't out themselves doing something their mum is basically always fine for us to go and get them and take them out and drop them back off.

Anyway, we had a big of an argument last night because we went to collect our child from pre school at about 6pm and both agreed we'd not had the day for going home and cooking so we said how about a spontaneous McDonald's trip. We were just pulling out from preschool when he starts with the 'can I just ring ex and ask if DSC want to come' and I lost it (not shouting or anything) and said 'can we just go on a simple McDonalds trip without having to mess around picking up, dropping off, waiting for them to finish XYZ before we can go'. It's McDonald's for goodness sake, not a five star holiday.

It's not that we never go to McDonald's either, we do so it's not some massive treat that DSC never ever get.

I can't stand it. The feeling like we can't ever just nip out somewhere that might be considered even remotely good or fun or a treat without first ringing around, waiting, picking up, dropping off etc etc.

I want to be sympathetic because I know it must be hard not to see you children as much as you'd like but for goodness sake it just gets stupid. I'm then accused of not wanting to see them blah blah.

And before anyone asks, if my child was elsewhere for the night yes I absolutely would take my other child to McDonald's without waiting for or going to collect the other!

He’s ridiculous. It’s not like it’s some special family meal ffs. It’s a quick dash to McDonald’s to save messing about shopping at that time and then cooking. It wasn’t his day to have dsc so he should just get on with his evening without the need to factor them in.

If I was the dsc’s mum in this situation I would be annoyed. 6pm and she probably already has tea in the oven or the child has already eaten. Dsc could have been in the middle of homework or in the bath or in the middle of something else. For her ex to come along and interrupt her school evening routine all for a McDonald’s would be bloody annoying.
Also what if she has other children and then she has to deal with the conflict of one of her children getting a McDonald’s that evening. Unnecessary stress when there’s lots of other more important things to be thinking of.

If anyone on this thread feels sorry for dsc (haven’t read the thread but can see it’s long so I bet one or two people have gone on) then you are also ridiculous. See my above points.

I mean precisely? People are very quick with the 'you knew he had kids'. Yeah. And so did he before he chose to have another.

He’s such a good Dad. I wish there were more like him. Making sure his child doesn’t feel like he’s left them and started a new family.

A lot of posters of MN put their own feelings before DH and SC and it’s very often that people demonise the man and refuse to consider his feelings or see his side in things. Often MN users will put their feelings as a Step parent before the child.

I just think it’s a really terrible place to follow advice because they’re a huge lack of consideration for other peoples feelings. Couples therapy might help you two understand each other better and get to the route of why you’re feeling this way and have DH understand it. It’s also really important you understand why DH is doing this and work out how to move forward.

@SugarSyrup

However I have an ex who behaves like yours, and I'm glad for it. It means our DC feel loved and wanted despite our relationship ending and us both moving on. I'm glad ex loves them so much and doesn't want them to miss out on something small as a maccies.

That’s great, but it would probably be better if the dad in this case sometimes gave time to the kids separately as well. Not just the youngest preschooler, but also the older children too. Focused quality time over overall quantity of time etc.

How many times does he need to say it, @Youheshetheysaid? Isn't once bad enough?

Why would they want to come to all the 'extra' sunday lunches and little mundane trips to places if they don't get on with OP?

Mum of 4.

Some of the responses here are astounding. OP YANBU. He's acting really unreasonably. It sounds like you cannot do ordinary things without him moving in to swoop his other child away from their contact time with the mother. Honestly, I would not be surprised if part of his motivation lies there.

Thinking he needs to grab his older children for something as simple as a quick meal at Macdonalds suggests he has other motivations going on. Like he feels in a parenting battle with the mother, a battle for affections.

Op

ok you and your step kids get on great

problem is though - you can’t stand your partner

So end the relationship. Have an easy life where you don’t need to factor in other kids for trips to macdonalds / Sunday lunch.

How does he and his ex get on?

@SimpleSimple I get it OP. My ex-husband has older children and when I got pregnant with my DS my MIL actually said that she did not want anymore granchildren. It was really hurtful. My DS is whole human being in his own right, not just "another grandchild".

So, for you, it must feel as though your child's needs, wants, etc don't count. Your child cannot do anything "fun" unless the other children are there as well. That dynamic is not good for your child, because as they get older it will become more and more obvious that dad can't be arsed to do anything nice with them unless the other two are there as well.

Does your DH ever do anything on his own with your child or is this privilege reserved for his older children? I am guessing the answer is "no" to this question.

I mean actually that's not a bad point to make to him. What would he be doing if you split up coz it sounds like your kid might be better off!

Sorry but did you say your DSC are aged 12 and 14?

Surely at that age they're emotionally mature enough not to take a huge and damaging ego blow if they don't get an impromtu MaccyDs or a roast dinner.

In fact at that age they can go and get their own MaccyD's with their pocket money if they fancy it. Or, with appropriate guidance, make a nice roast for you, their dad and your DC.

How do they feel about this overeager dad trying to assuage his guilt by roping them into MaccyD's trips when they'd doubtless rather be on Tik Tok or catching up on homework?

Yes, your dh is annoying if he can't go for a simple trip to McDonalds - possibly the most underwhelming "meal out" - without it turning into a 3x spectacle of waiting for and picking up his older two that are supposed to be spending time with their mother.

Of course it should be worth cooking a Sunday dinner for just the three of you... and also, he is, again, interrupting their weekend with their mother.

He does not seem to have any consideration for his children's time and relationship with their mother.

I never had this with my DH. but my SIL and MIL were both right up this alley.
When anything happened with me dh and out bio son such as dinner or a trip and 3 DSC weren't with us they would forever go on about 'oh they would of probably loved to do that' 'couldn't you wait till they were here to go there'

I lost my shit loads of times. We actually had planned an escape room with the older kids for the following weekend which they were looking forward too. And we had decided that the current weekend without them we would go to a leisure centre for a swim then to a farm.

On the Saturday morning my SIL rang and said I'm picking the kids up and we'll be over, she has texted the eldest asking what their plans were and they said nothing so she invited them and basically didn't tell us! Then of course they had to come back for dinner and ended up staying till 6pm Sunday

This happened 3 times before i no longer told her of any plans at all

It's awful for your shared DC and borderline emotional abuse if he's not careful.

It's also not good for the DSC - ooh we're doing something fun quick don't want you missing out. Just reinforces that there is something to miss out on.

I’m amazed the kids’ mum is so agreeable tbh, it’s taking away from her time with them and also makes it hard for her to plan meals etc. if dad constantly wants more (especially if he is offering treat stuff).

To all those saying what a fantastic Dad he is. I wouldn't say it's particularly responsible parenting. Mum 'time to do homework/clean your room/chill with me/you're' grounded 'But Dad's called, he's taking us out' The kids need routine, boundaries and experience of the mundane.

What a cow!

(Her not you)

You had DSC when you got together. You can’t just put them in a box to suit yourself

It's a trip to McDonalds ffs. No wonder some children grow up to think the world revolves around them when the adults around them are pandering to this ridiculous level.

Can't see that comment but if anything DH is acting like they are "in a box" nd getting them out when something vaguely fun is happening

He is also making sure he stays centre stage in his exes life with the constant ringing and turning up for collecting and dropping them back outside of his contact time.

Your SIL routinely contacted your dh's children, behind your dh's back? And then brought them along to stuff without asking you?
That's very strange behaviour.

I know exactly what you mean! My ex (father to my youngest two) was exactly like this, weekends without the prodigal firstborn were to be sat in silent misery in the house, not allowed to do anything 🙄 we were never allowed to go on day trips, McDonald’s, cinema/swimming, the park etc because it ‘wasn’t fair’ on his eldest. Anything I bought my children he would go straight out and get one for his eldest. I was just a single parent doing everything myself, and of course he would then go on and on at me if I took them by myself.

It was just baffling, I still don’t understand.

it was always ‘well there no point if it’s not all of us’ I used to find it beyond hurtful and frustrating. It’s one of the many many reasons I ended the relationship.

It’s not much better now to be honest, he will take them all to the park or swimming etc. But the big days out to nice places he’ll leave them with someone else, they don’t get taken on his holidays just his eldest as usual. It’s still very very hurtful and I worry about how it will affect our children’s self worth as they grow older.

No real advice but just to say I completely get it and how upsetting it is.